I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
I have so tried to not post anything but it happened again. My S husband did not care that my daughter was sick on his wednesday. I told him on Tuesday that she was sick and that I needed him to pick her up early on Wed. because I did not want her in daycare all day. Well, on Tuesday she had a fever so I did not send her to daycare on Wednesday. I did not bother to tell him until later because he did not ask about her health when I told him on Tue. He just told me that she would have to wait until he could get her and he couldn’t leave any earlier. What a great father!
So anyway, I took off from work on Wed. and I took her to the doctor. She had a bad ear infection. I sent him an email that read something to the effect that our daughter was not in daycare and since he only sees her on Wednesdays he will have to get her next week. He responded “What! I told you I was getting her and you are making this difficult for me”. So I responded that it has nothing to do with you and that she was sick and I took off from work, etc., etc. So he called and I did not answer.
Last night I took her to the ER because she couldn’t stop coughing and I thought she was having an asthma attack. I called him on my way ( I don’t know why but I did). It was about 11:30 p.m. He did not answer. He called me back at 8:00 this morning and I did not answer. I am done with him. He can’t answer the phone when he is around other women.
I don’t want him to see her again. I feel like seeking supervised visits. He does not care anything about her. It is getting out of control. He is so unfit as a parent. I am just so mad. He told me in Oct. 2007 that he felt indifferent about her after he left us in April 2007. He stopped all contact with us. It was pure hell back then. I am not sure what route I can take but I don’t feel that he needs to be around her anymore. I personally think he still feels indifferent about her. I don’t know how to make anyone in the justice system see that. They say that I can’t interfere at all if he is not a danger but I feel like he is. It is already bad enough that I don’t know where he lives if there was an emergency. I feel like calling DCFS on his home but I don’t know where it is and I don’t know what to report! I don’t think my child should be around his mistress and her kids and her S father. His mistress was busted in FL years ago for writing bad checks. She has poor character anyway having a married man’s child.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Dear Nic,
I hear you loud and clear, and you are right, he is a poor example of a parent…it is all about HIM and his control.
That said, he is using your daughter to GET CONTROL OVER YOU, I think, just my OPINION, that if you try to get visitation taken away from him, he will retaliate and the FIGHT IS ON and you, YOU and your daughter, will be the loser.
I KNOW IT IS DIFFICULT, but you must stop RE-ACTING to him and his bad parenting….PRETEND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN and don’t see him at all, don’t communicate with him. HE WILL GET BORED WITH THE BABY AND QUIT SEEING HER I will “bet my farm” on that one, but as LONG AS YOU REACT, AND CRITICIZE HIM, KEEP THE FIGHT GOING, he will use it. BE PATIENT, GIVE IT TIME. He has no REAL desire to see the baby, it is all about giving him access to pi$$ YOU off.
I would act on the car seat issue, and notify child services or the day care if you have to, but even that is a risk. BOREDOM with a BABY he cares nothing about WILL set in if it no longer gets a reaction from YOU.
Parent your baby as well as you can, and don’t notify him about anything except by voice mail etc. or e mail, or have someone else call him, but cut the communication with HIM directly.
Hang in there, sweetie, and I KNOW IT IS HORRIBLE but it is one of those things that he gets so much joy out of, making your life miserable and upsetting you. Gives him something to gloat over and talk about what a nut case bitch you are.
TURN THE TABLES ON HIM. Believe me, when they can’t get through to us, or know they have upset us, they WITHER. It is like taking blood from a vampire and locking them in their coffins. ((((hugs)))))
Kathy , thanks so much for your input and i like you with my first marriage, married a very responsible man who was always more of a father figure, i was totally codependent on him as he was a banker, very logical, responsible, balanced and i was anything but so for years as people have told me , complimented each other, i being the extrovert but we were complete opposites. And the whole time i was married to him i was so insecure as he always worked with women and was very handsome etc. but the man did absolutely nothing to bring about the insecure feelings i had and even today some of the women who work with me and have worked under him in the past kind of smile and say “you had nothing to worry about with Keith” and i think why was i so insecure. Now the s is another story, he brings out the insecurity and i end up being cutting and having to complete with other women and i don’t like to be that way as i know it’s not about them but they have such a way of bringout out our demons. I was watching this girl at the meeting last night and she is ver y newly sober and i could feel her pain as she was crying, and i rem how for at least the first two years all i did was cry i was so full of guilt and remorse. Also with my shrink yest we talked about boundaries and codependency as i was to meet a girl i’ve known off and on for 9 yrs who got into rel too early after treatment with guy on net and now fast forward less than 10 months, had her singn contract that if she drank, she’s out the door. So shrink and i talk about how these types of people even if i move will find me, hunt me down and break my door down unless i protect myself and how true. I went to this girls new home, for sale now , thinking i would take her for coffee and talk and the next thing she’s pleading with me that she’s detoxing on her own and would i just lend her enough for 6 pk and im in car with her and i ended up turning around and saying no but it was so dam hard as i could see the anxiety in her. Came home took a nap and then i got another call fr her thanking me and she felt so much better and cas had dropped her daughter off and they were having dinner with the guy who is kicking her out. anywy the truth is they are all so sick(house is full of all new plasma tvs as they intend i beleive to declare bankruptcy) so i don’t buy that everything is fine routine. I have to let these types go and a nice lady last night helped to relieve me of the guilt (38yrs in prog) saying Shelly it’s in step 12 and don’t think that you can’t stay sober if you aren’t helping. Than i needed to hear. Something i wanted to tellyou as well, the doc in charge of Trauma and addictions prog i just went through sai d that secondary addictions (in my case the s) get stronger and that has been my experience. I’ve come to realize i need outside help and my answers are not all in AA. Im just rereading your encouraging post and yes the pain and feelings are so deep and i thought i really had my emotions on my sleeve but in the traum a prog they would prod and prod to try and get to my real feelings and that’s when i realized how deeply rooted they are. and the diversion thing, yes a good male friend told me the s was a diversion years ago from my divorce, from myself as you have said. Thanks so much for all your support and for explaining to me so well what im going through and so eloquently. love kindheart
Kathleen Hawk, thank you for your last post. Reading it I felt like the world outside of me has quieted down and I was reading something so very important that I can relate to so much. I felt like my heart was pounding and I could hear it in my ears, it’s like reading something that moves me from deep within. I hope this does not sound too weird.
I feel that right now I am still at war with myself. It’s so true, the experience with the s was sort of what opened a door to myself, to examine myself in order to survive and go on with the remainder of my life. The experience with the s was sort of a very traumatic straw on the camels back, to push me to a point where I can no longer ignore the need to look within myself and deeply examine why I and all women in my family have a pattern of victimization and pain. All of us women in my family have given up part of ourselves toward people who do not deserve and treat us right, making decisions where we felt like we had no choices over. WHY? This is what I have been thinking about this week or so.
Nic,
Just a note to add to Oxy’s support.
You are feeling jerked around. This is a big piece of what’s going on, as well as your concerns for your daughter. And your reasonable fear that she is going to experience the same feelings of being jerked around. (Forgive the repetition, but I think it’s a pretty accurate terms for what’s going on.) But if you start with your feelings of being jerked around, it might be easier to work with.
Ending being jerked around requires you to be disciplined about not allowing it and not contributing to it. I agree with all the advice you’re getting about minimizing contact, but I would also add that you want to start communicating in ways that establish your responsible-ness, and not your contribution to the mess.
In learning to be a consultant, I had to learn how to communicate very well, so that everyone’s expectations were managed. And so that everyone stayed aligned with objectives. And so that everyone understood exactly what was going on. I learned all this from a book called “The Flawless Consultant” and so I think about it as flawless communication.
You have a court order related to custody and visitation. This creates an agreement between you and him regarding the terms of timing and responsibility. That is the only agreement you have, unless you have some other contract with him. Any ideas that he will provide more or that you can provide less than his agreed-upon priveleges are not valid, until you renegotiate any given event with him.
The fact that you are angry with him, think he’s a jerk, don’t like the way he treats you and your daughter, etc. don’t play into this situation. To the extent that you let your anger or your personal needs (that he has no responsibility to help with) color your actions, you are creating a chaotic field that can ultimately work against you in an another court room encounter or in any situation where he wants to challenge your credibility.
So here are my suggestions. If you call him to request a change, tell him why, ask for cooperation, give him a deadline for responding (that gives you enough time to figure out what else you can do if he doesn’t agree or doesn’t respond), and then move forward.
If you change things on him, tell him as far in advance as you can, acknowledge it’s a change, explain the circumstances that make it necessary for the child’s wellbeng, and apologize for any inconvenience this causes him. And then consider it finished. But keep your records and receipts from the medical stuff.
If he requests a change, consider it a negotiation and search for a mutually agreeable solution, not one that involves you surrendering on anything that inconveniences you or affects the child’s well being. You are not required to change things because he cannot do his part of the court agreement. So you have the option of saying no (although that increases the likelihood that he will not be willing to cooperate with your requests for change in the future). You may want to trade off if there is some trade that is mutually beneficial.
You have the benefit in all of this of having an externally imposed structure. It give you and him both rights. But you are the primary caregiver, so your decision about things like health issues that preclude his visitation time hold sway, unless you appear to be acting out of a need to punish him.
Establishing and documenting this pattern of clear reasonability and concern for your child’s welfare will serve you in good stead if you decide to seek a new custody order.
If you think this all sounds like I’m suggesting you act as though he is a reasonable person, that is exactly what I’m doing. The more consistent and well-documented you are about this, the more any irresponsibility or unreasonability on his part will become evident.
Which leaves the question of what do you do about your feelings? You work them out elsewhere, like venting here or getting a therapist. You don’t work them out by acting out with him. Because if you do, it will come around to bite you on the butt. The most self-damaging thing we do in recovery is look for the wrong people to validate our feelings. Stick with your personal support systems. Act proper and responsible with him, with the non-stop assumption he will do so in return. When he doesn’t, document it and add it to the file for the day, if and when you decide to remove his access or limit it.
I hope this makes sense. I know how you feel, and I’m sorry you have to go through this. But you can survive it and do the right thing, if you practice flawless communication. It is actually one of the most powerful self-defensive techniques in the world, and one of the most helpful things in getting what we want.
Kathy
Thanks oxdriver,
I am getting better at not reacting which is why I have not answered the phone today. I don’t want to blow up. It doesn’t matter anyway because whenever I blow up he is just as calm as ever. So I am putting myself at risk for a heart attack and wasting my energy on nothing. I will parent my child and hope he withers away. I will never understand him walking away from our child. I was shaking last night from fear with her being sick and for him not to care is unimaginable. I will survive. I raised my 16 yr.old alone and I can do it again!
That is good to pretend nothing has happened. He does that a lot. I will just try his tricks on him.
Kathy, I appreciate your advice. That agreement would work if he cared. He is supposed to see her every other weekend from 10-4. He sees her every Wed. from about 6:00-8:30. This is his schedule. I am fine with it because we don’t have to deal with his sociopathy more than once a week.
My thing is that he isn’t a parent and I have to come to terms with that like you said. A parent does more than one day a week. He doesn’t call her, check on her, etc. I am not going to do anything else about visitation because I sort of like the only one day a week. I have everything documented especially about him not asking about her illness. I will survive Kathy. I will practice that flawless communication.
nic:
Speaking as a lawyer, as I understand it, he has visitation every weekend from 10-4. That is in the written agreement, correct?
Is the Wednesday visition from 6-8:30 also in the agreement? You say “This is his schedule.”
I am confused. Does the agreement give him BOTH weekends from 10-4 and Wednesdays from 6-8:30 or his the Wednesday of his own doing?
If he has both — then you document when he doesn’t show up. If Wednesday isn’t in the agreement, you need to go and get the agreement modified. My concern is that if the Wednesday visitation isn’t in there and you are accomodating him and his whims, you are setting a bad legal precedent.
You need to make him stick to the literal terms of the agreement.
I also think you need to do a bit of what I’ll call “cost-benefit analysis”. The cost is pretty clear — he is an indifferent parent at best and he aggravates you. What benefit does he provide exactly? Child support? Does he provide it as ordered or are you chasing him for it?
I think part of what you’re experiencing is that you are not very clear about what you a need and expect from your S. I think that once you clarify that, you may better be able t practice flawless communication — which, from a legal standpoint will go long way to accomplishing what you want –him out of you and your daughters lives.
I think that once you get really clear about what you want, you may very well decide that the costs of continued engagement with him far outweigh any benefit. I suspect that once he sees that you won’t rise to the bait, he’ll get bored and move on.
Dear Nic,
I agree with Kathy and Matt too. HE NEEDS TO STICK TO THE LETTER OF THE VISITATION. The thing is that if it INCONVENIENCES HIM to have her on weekends, you are giving HIM WHAT HE WANTS, and he is JERKING YOU AROUND.
I agree with Matt, and that you should modify the agreement. If you don’t have the money to go to court, maybe (MATT CHECK THIS OUT as right or wrong) your attorney could just draw up another “letter of agreement” and change the visitation to wednesdays. HOWEVER, I WOULD WANT IT TO BE AT THE MOST INCONVENIENT TIME FOR HIM. He probably wants to do things on weekends so he wants a week night “visit” so if it is in the agreement for weekends, THEN GIVE HIM THE MOST INCONVENIENT TIME POSSIBLE AND STICK TO THE AGREEMENT, even if it is inconvenient for you too.
THE MORE INCONVENIENT IT IS FOR HIM, THE LESS HE WILL DO IT.
If for ANY reason you change the visit or disallow a visit, GET A DOCTOR’S VISIT DOCUMENTED even if that causes you problems to do.
COMMUNICATE WITH HIM IN A WAY THAT IT CAN BE DOCUMENTED—either by e mail or taped phone call if that is legal in your state. In MY state as long as ONE party to the phone call knows it is taped it is legal. Some states are NOT so don’t get into trouble on that. You can call your state attorney general’s office or ask your attorney if it is legal.
IF YOU HAVE TO SEE HIM AND TALK TO HIM FACE TO FACE, get a digital recorder and KEEP IT IN YOUR POCKET ON….that way every word he says or you say is RECORDED.
DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT AND DOCUMENT AGAIN. Also it is a good idea if you can to get someone else to hand off the child who will not be YOU or to take the child so he DOES NOT GET TO SEE YOU OR PULL YOUR CHAIN OR PUSH YOUR BUTTONS.
KEEP YOUR HEAD NO MATTER HOW HE PROVOKES YOU. DO NOT EVERY J.A.D.E.
JUSTIFY
ARGUE
DEFEND
EXPLAIN
Anything to him about your behavior.
You can NOTIFY him —again–preferably by e mail so you can keep a copy and get a receipt that he received it and opened it. PROOF.
Good luck, I know it must be horribly difficult to let your wonderful chld associate in any way with this monster, her sperm donor, I want say “father” cause that title must be earned and he will never earn it! (((((hugs))))))
hi guys, im hating that panicky feeling i have again because i broke the no contact rule . It’s so like the addiction to al cohol i can’t beleive it. Adreniline pumping and not a good feeling at all. Why do i do this over and over when i know i expect a miracle and nothing has changed it’s so pointless. I hate what i am doing when i expect him to be considerate and i know he won’t or can’t be. it’s just so frustrating to say the least.