I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. I’m not sure who said that but someone said Albert Einstein did. Anyway, it is true!
KH, all I can say is that when you are ready to stop “being insane” you will. Just like stopping drinking, you have to take the bull by the horns and say NO MORE. I WILL NOT DO IT. and then stick to that. YOU CAN make that choice. It may be difficult, but you CAN do it if you truly choose to.
People chose to do what they feel “rewarded” for, or to get what they want, even if they logically know it is “bad” for them. It is called impulse control or lack there of. TAKE CONTROL OF YOU! YOu can do it! ((((hugs))))
Matt:
The Wednesdays is his own schedule. We only have every other weekends on the agreement. I understand that I shouldn’t budge on our agreement but I do like him only getting her one day a week because of who he is.
Oxdriver: I like the J.A.D.E. acronym. That is actually our daughter’s middle name.
I have thought about buying a tape recorder and that is why I try to only contact him through email so I can document.
Thanks everyone. I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Thanks Ox, i just want it all to end . I know you know the feeling and i trick myself each time into thinking i can handle the feelings and i set myself up again and again. I just watched that movie with Diane Lane and richard Gere, Night in Rothedale i think it’s called for the second time and im such a hopeless romantic and i keep hoping that someone great will come along but when i keep going back i feel like im sabotaging it. i can’t beleive i have to start all over again in the n/c . I just wish there was something salvagable from it all but i know there isn’t , just wasting my precious time. He doesn’t care about me the way i want him to and i have to accept this and move on but it is so hard and i thought quiting drinking was hard and now this too. Going to call a gf and soak in the tub and try and remember that it isn’t that there is something wrong with me and that i can have what i really want just not with him. Need the support and am grateful for all of you. love kh
feeling that lonely sick feeling again but know i have to go through it. Gosh i wish i could get comfortable with myself more . I need something to look forward to and not sure what it is going to be.
Does anyone believe in soul ties or strong holds?
I need them to be broken.
WEnt to a show with biological mom tonite– all I can really think about and feel is him. The thought– and I know it is happening of the man I loved–having sx with another woman– at times– I just want to die from the weight of betrayal. It is unreal.
HOw can I still be in shock after four months?
akitameg i feel for you and i hope things get better. i went back for contact last week after close to 2 months of no contact and now i’m feeling hurt all over again. It is just like detoxing all over again. i have a gf tonight tell me to just forget it and accept that i can’t let go completely for now but i really want to it’s the familiarity and yet im hurting myself in the process. He has many women on the side, noneof whom mean anything including me it’s just that im addicted to him and yes they are called betrayal bonds and are very hard to break, but i can tell you one thing having contact isn’t helping me. I was in the anger phase and not used to feeling that much anger and went back again just to appease the anger and started the whole process all over again. Dumb dumb dumb, knock me out with the frying pan so i can possibly forget i know him, i’ll take a concousion even if it helps. just kidding, it’s just so dam frustrating
Dear Akitameg:
When we connect with someone, we establish connections in ways we can’t understand in this usual rational world. Think of it this way — part of your being exchanged with part of his being, and now you are “mixed up” together in ways that make it feel like you are “destined” to be together. However, that just comes from you two being around each other, and some of the “tricks” I’m sure he pulled to bond you to him, so he could manipulate and so on.
Here’s an exercise: get comfortable. You might lie down. I like to lay with my head to the north, just because I’m a “magnetic” sort of person. (LOL.) Imagine your energy field around you, and in your mind, take some sort of “weapon” — like scissors, or a sword, or even a “feather” — and use it all around you, cutting all ties to everything outside of your own energetic space. You might think of your present situation as if you had strings (like hot, stringy mozzarella cheese? or spider web?) between you and him. You want to cut those ties. Imagine all those ties disappearing, and then imagine fresh, clear energy flowing into you, renewing you, and washing away the old cloudy energy that he might have left behind.
Some of the new work in physics is starting to describe ways that we actually DO connect with other people on a sub-atomic level. I like that science is giving some credibility to exercises like what I describe above.
I have found that this exercise really does release the kinds of attachment that can linger long after my head has told me that contact with THAT person is A BAD IDEA!
Notice too, that the more you obsess about him and how you DON’T want to be around him, the more you are focused on him and your mind forgets the “DON’T” part and you are bonding yourself to him in your mind through your obsession.
I used to think these sorts of exercises were just “whatever.” I’ve come to realize that they are very powerful tools for getting rid of the kinds of sticky attachments that we can’t explain with our rational minds.
I understand how painful this is for you. I do know that some of this work helped me to get from the worst of times into better times.
nic: I’ve wondered about you and how you are doing.
You said “I have so tried to not post anything but it happened again. My S husband did not care. . . .”
“He responded “What! I told you I was getting her and you are making this difficult for me”. Notice how YOU are making things difficult for HIM — in his words? This is about manipulating you and making everything about HIM. He’s just enjoying an excuse to jack you around, when of course the baby was sick and you were doing the reasonable thing.
You said, “I don’t want him to see her again.” Stay focused on that, and then be casual. He enjoys setting up a fight, so if he knows something is important to YOU, he’ll use that to manipulate you by making sure you don’t get what you really want.
You said, “I feel like seeking supervised visits. He does not care anything about her. It is getting out of control. He is so unfit as a parent. I am just so mad.” If he knows he can make you mad, that may be reason for him to keep jacking you around with the schedule. If you try for supervised visits, he might decide to fight you for MORE control, which is absolutely NOT what you want.
You said, “I don’t feel that he needs to be around her anymore. I personally think he still feels indifferent about her. I don’t know how to make anyone in the justice system see that. They say that I can’t interfere at all if he is not a danger but I feel like he is. It is already bad enough that I don’t know where he lives if there was an emergency. I feel like calling DCFS on his home but I don’t know where it is and I don’t know what to report!” Honey, you can’t MAKE him be a decent person.
Unfortunately, making you feel angry and crazy and trying to get the system involved is all too likely to be “fun” for him. My ex, years ago, didn’t pay child support, but he was all about control. He spent tens of thousands of dollars (when he wouldn’t pay $50 a week in child support) just so he could fight me in court over every little thing. After several years when he had money and I had none, I had nothing left to even keep us alive. He “won” because he had come to see his child as his possession and he didn’t want to lose a possession, and he didn’t want me to “win” at anything.
You don’t want this man to start seeing your daughter as “his possession.” Believe me, things can get much, much worse.
Kind heart thank you for your honesty. keep going forward.
Rune- thank you so very much. Will be doing this exercise.
I still feel him with me. I can hear him, smell him, feel him.
I have not seen him in alomost 5 months. Pray for me guys. I cannot do this alone.
Hi gang,
Just giving you a quick update: Matt and OxD helped me write a letter to my congressman asking him to launch an investigation into the army’s fraud case against my S. My friends and I were key witnesses in the investigation. Seems they have let the case slide. So I wrote the letter to the congressman, expecting no results. Well guess what happened today? I received a PHONE CALL from the congressman’s office. A person with a name and a phone number called me and left a message. He said that he is sendng out a Privacy Statement in the mail and I need to sign and return it so they can investigate the case. Looks like they are taking my complaint seriously. TOWANDA!!! Thanks to everyone who helped and encouraged me to write the letter. A special thanks to Matt, who helped me craft the attention-getting letter. I will keep you updated. In a world so screwed up, it would be so satisfying if justice could prevail just this once. I think I need to have one victory in my life right now.
Kindheart, I dont’ know if I’ve ever experienced the same kinds of anxiety and addictions as you. But I have battled anxiety, depression, and various addictions for years. (My latest one is the internet addiction). I have broken various addictions over the years. What I have found is that there were some strong feelings fueling the anxiety. As long as I kept doing the addictive behaviors, I could avoid feeling those feelings. When I forced myself to just sit and feel them, at first I felt like I was gonna die. It got worse and worse. Eventually, the feelings got to come out. I sometimes don’t even know what I’m grieving about. It’s just the big, unspeakable hurt that I’ve had since forever. I sat with a bunch of it yesterday and let it out a little. I have to admit I’m less anxious and feel a little more grounded today. I don’t know what it is that you have to learn from what you are going through. But I believe in you, that you have the strength to face down your demons, whatever they are.
Akitameg, I missed my S today too, unbelievably. You’re not the only one. I guess this means I have more grieving work to do. I’ve done a bunch of grieving over miscellaneous things the last few days. I’m feeling a little more grounded. I may need to stay off the internet for a while, as it is a major addiction for me and a way to avoid my feelings. I am just amazed at the amount of pain one human being can store inside of herself. I have not been able to fully grieve my losses in years. It’s been so overwhelming, I just shut down. No wonder I lost all interest in doing anything. (interest in life starting to return today)
OXD, Soooo…….I was at a flea market today and saw several cast iron skillets for sale. I was gonna buy one but it was $30!!! Used!!! I figure since the inception of LF, they have now become collectibles!!!! I wasn’t thinking. I should have just hit myself over the head with it while I was there. LOL