I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Star, like you over the years after becoming sober i’ve experienced overwhelming periods of pain or grief and i’d think is it my exhus, is it the s, is it my good male friend im close too and i couldn’t put a finger on any one thing , just all in general. And you are right with the feelings, they would try very hard in the Trauma prog with all of us to get to how we really feel and i had always thought because im such an emotional person that my feelings were on the surface but when we were in process sessions i was getting frustrated as they would prod me to get deeper to how i REALLY feel and i at times just could not get there. They did talk alot about feelings in the program and how we just react instead of feeling them and i know last week the anger was overwhelming and it drove me back to the s. just like someone else mentioned the bargaining thing, right on as i was going to try an d prove once again what he cannot or i should say doesn ‘t care about. Now after having contact the anger has disipated again and the magical thinking is back but at least i know its all an illusion but still a step backwards. I think acceptance never comes easy when giving something up that we have depended on to cover or stuff the feelings, booze, the guy etc.
KH, let me just say that grieving sucks. It just doesn’t feel very good. But it feels a ton better than being addicted to people who are bad for us. At least we know who and what we are when we are grieving. I have a recurring dream (I had it again the other night) that I am thirsting to swim in a large body of water, like a lake or a large pool. But when I try to jump in, I just can’t get that deep. I can’t seem to get past the surface. I have been looking at this for the last few days–the barriers to feeling deeply. For me, I experience it as bands of tension in my body. I have been working with breathing and inwardly trying to relax the tension. I get a lot of it in my eyes (I was once told it was original birth trauma). So I’ve actually been stretching my eye muscles, moving my eyes back and forth. Every time the tension loosened just a tiny bit, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Obviously, I am holding a lot of pain there. When the tension gets bad enough, the person can become totally dissociated from reality. In my case, I just get depressed and feel shut off.
I feel there is so much information/healing available to us just for looking inside instead of going outside to fill what we think our needs are. I guess this is the monk in me who has spent months doing intensive meditation practice and breaking many addictions while sitting on the meditation cushion. There is a wealth of information inside of ourselves just for the looking. The natural tendency when we are suppressing a lot of pain is to distract ourselves (TV, internet, relationships) or medicate ourselves (drugs, alcohol, sugar, overeating). When we have the courage to give up doing the self-destructive things, we are given a little window into our own souls. We can see what fuels those addictions and heal those things. The self-destructive patterns are at least comfortable. It can be pretty uncomfortable to face the unknown–all those deep feelings. That’s why it takes courage and willingness. Often when we give up one addiction, another comes along. But if we engage in them, we never get to go deeper, to get below the surface in the swimming pool.
I think I have distracted myself my entire life! OMG! So I wouldn’t have to “feel”. How sad. I really learn a lot reading here. I just have to sit down with the feelings and feel them (and hope they will go away). I’m not too good at looking at myself, no wonder, I hardly ever do it.
ShabbyC, I think everyone is like this until we have something happen that forces us to look inside. That’s why a crisis like this can be a great opportunity too. You can’t just wish away the damage cause by a sociopath, but if you can really know yourself from it, I’d say it’s not a total loss.
KH, I wanted to add that there are a few different ways to “go deeper” into your feelings. For some people, it is enough to just give up the addictive behavior. For the more intellectual types (like me) there is a great breathing technique that works. Inhale through your nose for count of 5, being sure to breath into your heart. Exhale through your mouth slowly for a count of 5. Repeat this process. You may find that within minutes you are feeling more grounded in your body. This is also a good technique for releasing anger–for anger, when you are breathing into your heart, breathe in gratitude (even if you’re not feeling it). Continue the breathing cycle, and the anger usually dissipates.
Oops, I stepped away from the computer, only to keep myself busy watching Seinfeld.
Staar, funny you should mention the breathing as my physicatrist just gave me breathing exercise the other day. hers was breath in for 3 sec an d out 3 seconds for 5 minutes. You are so right about feeling the pain etc. as i would see people dissassociate right in front of me in trauma program and you are also right it is better to go through the grief than be addicted to a bad person. Hope i get to anger quicker this time .
guys, i was just thinking about the s and his one daughter who has not spoken to him in over 4 years and how much better her life must be. His other daughter is on the streets hooked on meth telling the cops she’s a good girl(his brainwashing) and doesn’t do drugs. Just reflecting on the daugher who has no contact and how smart she is for having chosen that route.
stargazer:
Thanks for the thanks for helping you with the letter.
I am glad you decided to pursue this. No matter how it turns out, I truly believe you would have kicked yourself later on if you hadn’t pursued it.
Also, don’t you feel empowered having pursued this? Today I went to the post office because I hadn’t gotten the return receipt from the post office regarding legal documents I had sent S. The post office got me a copy of the scanned receipt.
When I saw his signature I felt — satisfied. And empowered.
hi guys, just wondering if it there is anything that can speed up the process of no contact. Now that i went back and am back in the obsessing i just hate knowing how i set myself back. It’s literally like im living in two worlds, the one with no contact and reality and the one where i have forgotten everything i’ve learned for the last 5 years, frustrating as hell. Whoeverr said i was bargaining when i went back is so right on as i feel like that’s all i’ve been doing and i m sick of bargaining. I rea d somewhere that Queens never bargain and i don’t want to have to any more. For what , some little crumbs i get here and there. Now the daughter is calling me and knows i can’t say no and the whole thing is starting all over again. I can’t beleive that after two months in a trauma prog i’m back to the same crap.