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A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Laws and courts / A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

February 16, 2009 //  by Donna Andersen

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Legal Abuse SyndromeI clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.

I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.

It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.


Eight steps to recovery

The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.

Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.

Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.

2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.

Protocol works

I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.

Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.

When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.

Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.

Legal Abuse Syndrome in the Lovefraud Store.

Category: Laws and courts, Recovery from a sociopath

Previous Post: « After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 4-Bargaining
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Ox Drover
16 years ago

Dear Kind heart,

QUOTE: “Now the daughter is calling me and knows I can’t say no”

As long as you REFUSE to say NO it will go on. You CAN say NO and mean it. You said no to other things, and if you want this to stop you must say NO NOW.

I can’t come thorough the computer and say NO for you, and no one else can either. YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELF, and there is no QUICK AND EASY WAY TO DO IT, It is up to YOU to decide when YOU WANT TO STOP IT. YOU have ALL the CONTROL and all the POWER, but YOU must choose to exercise it.

There is no genie and a bottle and 3 wishes. There is just truth and reality.

pb
16 years ago

Stargazer,
Congratulations on getting some results – righteous!
I haven’t been around much – up to my armpits in trying to get into PI training. Thankfully, being busy has been a real help.
Hugs to all
xo

pb
16 years ago

PS, my Status on FB tonight is:

PB is eternally grateful for, and owes her life to, support and understanding from complete strangers…Sad and amazing at the same time!

Ox Drover
16 years ago

Dear pb,

Yea, isn’t it AMAZING!? How empowering it is to realize that you are not alone, that you are not crazy and not warped!

I’m glad you are doing well and hope that you are able to accomplish your goals for the future. Having goals to look toward is a wonderful thing, and gives us a reason to get up in the morning! Having an interest in goals agaiin is a really “good sign” that you are moving on with your life and healing….STAY ON THE ROAD TO HEALING! Don’t ever get off and let the Siren Song from the FOG lure you back into the FOG. The ROAD TO HELL is just a step off of the road to Healing, so keep in the grove!!!! TOWANDA!!!

kindheart48
16 years ago

Ox you are right and she has all the access to help for her drug prob if she wants it and im tired of wasting my energy. I have enough prob of my own at the moment. Can’t change yesterday but that old stupid thinking comes back , that stupid little filter he installed in my head needs to discarded again so i can see the truth. It certainly is baffling , just like a girl i talked to last night who keep s relapsing with booze. Her irratinal self tells her she can have just a few over and over even though her logical self tells her she can’t. All addiction based, mine a person , hers the booze. Powerlessness over people places and things. That’s the tricky part, you have to admit powerlessness like i did with the booze and yet reclaim your power but the real answer is don’t pick up and don’t contact. So easy but so dam hard at the same time. Thanks for honesty Ox ,

Matt
16 years ago

kindheart48:

“Now the daughter is calling me and knows i can’t say no and the whole thing is starting all over again.”

When I started to fall into that trap, a friend of mine said “Florence Nightingale is dead. Last I heard, she hadn’t asked for somebody else to fill her shoes.”

So, you can say no. Trust me. As hard as it is, you can say no. If you need no other reason to say no, it’s that you’ve got quite enough on your plate taking care of your problems, without having to take on his.

Your ex-S using his daughter to do his dirty work is SOP (standard operating procedure). Speaking from personal experience, sociopaths are notorious for getting somebody else to take a run at you when they can’t.

Best thing you can do? Don’t take phone calls. Don’t read emails. Hell, pull your shades so you don’t have to see his smoke signals.

It’s all about you, now.

kindheart48
16 years ago

Matt, thanks for the post. You are so right. I fielded at least 3 call s from her different numbers today and when i thinkof all the crap in my own life and the fact that my son’s pay for their own student loans etc. and arent’ on welfare like his daughter and doing drugs piss on it(sorry but ) let her get her dad or someone else. She has all the same resources plus a father with money (cheap bastard) to help with her drug prob. i have enough with my own children(both good kids really) and they come first. Done , finished , finito. No more bargaining with her or her dam father. He can keep his crumbs. thanks again back to anger hoorah lets get it on with the anger again and move on

Savannah
16 years ago

Hi All,
I haven’t read much here or posted since Feb. 20th and I can’t believe how this post has grown. 755 posts. Is this the longest blog on the site? Amazing!

To ShabbyChic2:

shabbychic2 says:
Hi Savannah: I have also learned a lot from this site. I seem to have the same patterns you do! Just lately I felt like I hit the wall with the last guy I’ve been seeing” why am I so worried about helping/fixing him? I like your writing! I never thought about “to charm” someone being a verb, very interesting! I would like to read more of your blogs! When I was 21 I married a man who became a Christian and then was studying to become a minister, but he became an a**hole instead! HaHa

Friday, 20 February 2009 @....... 1:34am

Thanks Shabbychic2, for making me laugh so hard at your last sentance. Thanks for liking my writing, I truly appreciate that. I don’t have any other posts though. I’m new at posting here.

Thank you Stargazer and Kathleen Hawk for your replys as well. KH: I know an S right now that acts like your projector description above. Needs to be the center of attention so much that he will stand his drunk self in the center of a room full of people and do his antics. The room was glad when I drug his stupid self out of there.

I now need to go back and read to get caught up on this blog.

Savannah
16 years ago

To Oxy and All:
A few weeks back I had to Google ROTFLMAO because I didn’t know what it meant. Needless to say, I’m ROTFLMAO!!!

Ox Drover
16 years ago

Dear Savannah! Glad you are back and glad you found out what ROTFLMAO means. LOL Several other people also asked, and about what TOWANDA! means—if you dont know on that one let me know and I will explain it. It is a movie line.

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