I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
Matt, yes it was empowering to send the letters and to actually get a response. I think a good reward for me would be a trip to the Greek Islands……hint hint LOL! I have only been there once but swore som day I’d return. How sad that your S wrecked a trip to one of the more romantic places on earth!
It was also a little anxiety-producing that my letter got results. Every time I hear from (or about) something connected to the S, I get an anxious feeling in my gut. It’s a mixed bag. Want justice…want to move on…..Hopefully, some day, I can have both.
Speaking of justice and fighting for rights, I just went and saw the film Milk tonight. I loved this movie and especially felt inspired about what one person can do to make a difference. I moved to San Francisco just a few years after he was killed, so the movie brought back a flood of memories. I went to the same clubs they went to in the film and hung out at the Castro frequently. Though I’m not gay myself, I had many dreams during that time that I was up on a soapbox fighting for gay rights. Little did I know that just a few years prior, someone had actually done that and given his life for it. I was very moved by this film. And what a great job Sean Penn did! Could not have been an easy role. Anybody else seen it?
Last night I went to see The Reader, another fabulous (and sad) independent film. I guess it was independent film weekend at my house. It feels good to get out doing the things I love again, instead of sitting at home like a recluse.
KH: I’m glad you said you are worth more than that. Cause if you hadn’t said it, I was gonna say it. In fact, I think it’s worth saying again. YOU ARE WORTH WAY MORE THAN THAT! You deserve way better. I don’t know how to “speed up” No Contact. I had to slow it down and take it one day at a time.
Savannah,
If you want to learn what makes sociopaths tick, there is a lot of good recommended reading on this site. I think asking the sociopath himself or herself is probably not on the top 10 best ways to learn about them. You said it–you’re playing with fire. But more importantly, you’re slowing down your recovery. I don’t know how old you are but I am now 48. When I look back at all the YEARS wasted hanging onto men who were bad for me, I really regret wasting my own life away like that. You just can’t make up time lost. The sooner you break the habit and get on with your life the better. I realize that no matter how old you are you always have a fresh chance at life once you are free from the destructive influences. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have gotten out a hell of a lot sooner, walked away, and never looked back.
BTW, we are not allowed to say ROFLMAO on my reptile site. We have to say ROFLMBO. Sorry but “butt” just does not have the same ring as “ass”, especially if you’re calling somebody a “dumb butt.” ROFLMAO!
Dear Savannah,
If you have not read Dr. Robert Hare’s book “Without Conscience” you should. He explains that the Ps can parrot the words to emotions, like “love” etc. but they don’t get the real concept. He says that “you can teach them the lyrics but they can’t learn the MUSIC.” It is such a good analogy to how they think.
They truly do NOT get the concepts of the emotions and words and how the feelings that go with those words effect our behavior. Hare mentioned a female P who when asked if she loved her kids said, “Of course I love my kids.” But she did not realize that someone who LOVED their children would FEED them, which she neglected to do.
Generally, to a P, “Love=ownership” of a thing or a person, not emotion.
NC is a powerful tool, because it puts US back in charge and keeps them from reinjuring us. Glad you are here, keep on reading, the more you know the stronger you will become!
Dear Oxy and Stargazer,
Thank you for your concern. I not only have to get these books, I need to get to therapy. I’m going to do the EMDR therapy. I have read everything free on-line that I can get my hands on, but I haven’t yet made any purchases of books. I will get the book that you talk about Oxy and Sandra Browns books as well. I have PTSD, and many of the personality traits that make me a target to these types. It’s so sad to think that the things that make wonderful ME, have also been my downfall, in the sense that N’s target people that are kind, loving, strong, etc.
Yes, Stargazer, the ROTFLMBO is not quite the same. Also, I am 45 years old. Yes, I have wasted many years. Not understanding what a waste it was until three years ago.
I mention im my previous posts a few weeks ago at the top of this page, I think I’ve been in 8 relationships that have been with disordered men of varying degrees. I had no idea about PTSD from emotional trama years ago. I remember I was shopping in a store and a familar song came on that me and #2 guy used to love. The smell of him and the memory was so strong that I thought I still loved him. This was 8 years after leaving him. I was having a “flashback” of sorts. WOW.
I really need to get free of this trash. I’ve learned a lot in the past three years but it only becomes wisdom when it’s knowledge applied!
Thanks.
In the article above, I have been stuck and in the spin cycle of steps 1-5 for a long time. I feel very ready to move onto steps 6-9. Although, we rotate through all of these in varing degrees as we heal.
Me too, Savannah. I’ve dated some wonderful men (that I was not ready or willing to commit to) but also some disordered ones. I don’t know if I will ever meet anyone again worth dating, but I hope if I do, he will be healthy, available, and the real thing! If not, there is always the monastery (half serious here). It’s great that you are doing trauma work. I wish I had the resources to get that type of help myself. I’ll be curious to hear how it goes.
OxD’s words were right on the money about what you will get when you try to communicate with a sociopath. I’d rather be strung by my toenails and pummeled with a wet carp than try to actually “talk” to my S again. Funny thing is, he would tell me all the things I’d want to hear. And it would be 100% lies. One of the things that shortened the length of my involvement with him is something someone once said to me about a man’s behaviors: Don’t pay attention to what they say; pay attention to what they DO. Watch the behaviors and not the words. A sociopath’s behaviors will contradict his words every time.
matt, readding your post about your trip made me think of how impossible it is to have fun with the s. They make a point of ruining anything fun because they can’t stand to see us happy. I ‘ve always been known for being a very fun girl(over the top at times when in drinking days) and very spontaneous, easy to get along with etc. ADHD and risk taking, thrill seeking but with him it was impossible. His ocd was extremely high on the scale and everything had to be by his itinerary and that consisted of cleaning whatever. How mundane and how i tried, i’d dance around his garage to music but he didnt’ like to dance of course , the exact opposit e to my nature. Always drove the speed limit , on one hand he was reckless (with women , sex when he could perform etc.) and on the other hand he was the biggest chicken shit (haven’t used that one in decades) i’ve ever known. They love to take the air out of our balloons. I’d have something exciting to tell him or show him and wham he’s find something negative in it and ruin the experience. Biggest party poopers on earth. And yet if you asked him he would say we had fun . In the early days i went with him to this leather place 3 hrs drive away. I’ m a huge shopper and always have been and i had to sit and watch him throw pants leather in every col on the counter and buy a sheepskin coat (one vandeisel wore in move) etc. showing off how much he had etc. and i tried on one pair of leather pants and they were disco according to him, not appropriate. I rem i bought myself a nice vest an it wasn’t that i expected him to buy me anything, it was the sheer selfishness of the whole experience that knocked the wind out of me. I was starving and on the way home he finally stopped at mcdonalds, making a comment “i’d better get you fed” like i was a dog. I remember gettting ouot of his truck and thinking , i’ve never had such a horrible experience shopping in my life and knew i should end it there. But didn’t , hit me please with pan. Then years later he said ” we had a good time didn’t we” sor t of thing and i’m thinking that was one of the worst days i ever spent with him. I remember how cute i dressed that day for the idiot, short skirt(had to be short with preferably a slit) like they even make those these days but i tried so hard and it was all about what he wanted and i was just along for the ride. That is the way the whole relationship is with these sorts, you are only along for the ride . You try an d share the ride but they can’t share anything. Little bits of food here and there he could share but stingy as hell. I changed my mind guys, he needs to be hit with the skillet for being such a selfish bastard. Thanks for letting me vent.
Savannah, i was reading your earlier post and felt nauseous myself. I’ve done the physicological warfare game with mine too many times to count. I often pride myself in knowing exactly waht he is when all the others just hinted at things but the truth is , it hasn’t done me one bit of good. Sure, they are curious as they are too afraid to research themselves for any introspection but the reality is they just don’t give a dam and nothing can change them so it’s all so pointless. I remember mine once, i made a commment about the fact that he has no conception of how love feels and his response was ” And how do you think that makes me feel”. Well it doesn’t make him feel, nothing does so he knows he’s missing something but you can’t miss something you never had so he goes on his merry ole way. He has tried to tell me he feel s different once with me but i don’t buy it as it’s just another con. I asked him recently why he married his second wife (for less than 6 months an dkicked her out saying “i don’t like her anymore) and he said ” i must have loved her” like he doesn’t even know. How sad when you really think of it. He’s also commmented numerous times how he didn’t cry when his dad died, wantedt o but couldn’t . I;ll stop here or i’ll start to pity him again and can’t afford to as that has taken me back way to many times. Now i have to pity me and get up and brush myself off for going back to bargain and move on. love to all kindheart
kindheart48:
It wasn’t just the trip to Greece. It was every single blasted trip we took during the past year. I worked so hard to plan and pay for those trips. I agree, consciously or unconsciously he set out to ruin every single one.
My greatest regret was when I took him to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and he insisted on going to church. Why? Because his ex (make that two exes ago) was the priest on the altar. Yes, he blindsideded a priest during mass.
I shouldn’t have even let him back in the car. I should have told him to find his own way home. What the hell. He could have afforded the train ticket. After all, I had paid for everything else on the trip.
As for being hit with the skillet — last night I watched the movie “Madea’s Family Reunion.” There is a scene where the woman who is supposed to get married decides to break it off with her abusive fiancee. She beats the crap out of him with a cast iron skillet.
Oh, to have he chance to do that to my ex-S.
“She beats the crap out of him with a cast iron skillet.
Oh, to have he chance to do that to my ex-S.”
Matt…if one beats the crap “out” of an S with an iron skillet, what’s left?