I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing.
I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it.
It’s been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. I’ve now identified what I was dealing with—a sociopath. I read books that explained the disorder, such as Without Conscience by Dr. Robert Hare. But books with practical advice on how to cope with the trauma? They’re hard to come by. One of the best I’ve found, surprisingly, is Legal Abuse Syndrome, by Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T., which is now available in the Lovefraud Store.
Eight steps to recovery
The book was written to help victims cope with the betrayals and inefficiencies of the “justice system” after a violent or deceptive assault. Huffer contends that continuous assault by the legal establishment creates post traumatic stress disorder in the victim.
Well, the egregious assault of a sociopath created post traumatic stress disorder in many of us, whether we got involved with the legal system or not. So in the course of laying out a plan for overcoming legal abuse, Huffer also lays out a plan for overcoming sociopathic abuse.
Huffer identifies eight steps to recovery:
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment.
2. Grieving. It is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community.We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. The dreadful experience has taught us that some of our prior beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we change our attitude from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life.
Protocol works
I spoke to the author, Karin Huffer, at the Battered Mothers Conference in January. It was the first time I’d seen her since finishing the book. I told her that, in my opinion, the eight steps she defined for recovering from legal abuse would also work in recovering from a sociopath.
Huffer agreed. In fact, she said that her program has now been out long enough to have proven itself. “The protocol works,” she said.
When we decided to add the Lovefraud Store to our website, one of the books that I really wanted to offer was Legal Abuse Syndrome. It explains why other people—even those who care about you—can’t listen to what you’re saying. It tells you how to place blame where it should be—on the predator. It tells you how to handle your obsessions. Oh, yes, and it tells you how to cope with legal shenanigans.
Legal Abuse Syndrome is now available, and I strongly recommend it—even if you aren’t in court with the predator who assaulted you.
I was wondering if anyone might know how Small Claims works when you sue from the home state where everything happened, but now the other party is in another state? (We lived in Calif and now the S is in Texas). I am contemplating suing him, but nobody including the Small Claims Advisers can give me a straight answer. That person told me I should file in Texas so I called Texas and they said that didn’t make any sense to them. They said to file in California…you see how this is going?
swehrli – Im not sure but I think it might have to be filed in the state where the allegations took place… but again I am not sure. My In-laws took him to small claims court after he “ran off” with several thousand dollars of theirs they gave him in a verbal agreement to hire him as their contractor to redo bathroom/kitchen. THEY WON! There was a judgement placed against him but unfortunately S was unphased and the legal process still continues as they are at the liberty of him “making good” on the debt. More legal action to follow. But its an example of how following through when there is no question that you were conned, will bring out justice in the end. GL.
Thanks learn; I have all kinds of proof. I’m just worried he’s appear and I’ll have to see him again. It would be much easier if he didn’t. If you have a judgment isn’t the employer obligated to assist in making sure money comes out of his paycheck?
Swehrli – At the time (a little over a year ago) he was unemployed!!! Since then he has had something like 6 or 7 different part time jobs etc.. but yes, I believe that is the next step in the legal process – locating his whereabouts and employer and attaching his wages to the judgement. I hear what you are saying about him appearing, most times they DO NOT APPEAR and various legal reprecussions follow, or the judge awards the plaintiff?? (again not exactly sure) . But if he did appear, everyone would support you and encourage you to take pride for taking back total control of your life and viewing him as the bad person he is. You might even be able to get away with never turning your head to see him, or even better hold your head high and realize whats much easier is taking control back – and getting back the money he stole – than being weakened by the sight of him. Again easier said than done..but one day doable!!!:)
swerlhi:
I can’t believe the clerk of court’s office can’t advise you on this. Google small claims court for your state and the word “jurisdiction” or “party jurisdiction” or “defendant jurisdiction.” That should give you your answer.
In most states, if you collect a judgment and the defendant doesn’t pay, you go back into court (I know) and get a court order for garnishment of his wages. In some states the sheriff’s office serve the garnishment order on the defendant’s employer. IN other states, you can mail the order to the employer. IN still others, if its out of state, you get the sherriff’s office in that jurisdiction to serve it. Again, the answer to this question should also be on the website.
Dear Oxy. You are so right with “reframing” and “what is the prize”. I did not think of looking that way. I am a very competitive aries for that matter, but I am learning a lot these days too. HE needed it and now peace may prevail! And might he be happy ever after.
I do not care as I am happy with my new improved self. I finally am able to like myself! Maybe that is the greatest gift he could have given to me, by treating me as nowbody did before: being able to set boundaries, to say STOP and act it out and not being afraid of the (mostly very nice) consequences! And finally to respect myself, listen to my feelings and being able to self validation and not being depending upon others and not being played by others anymore.
Just like my first grade teacher wrote in my poetry album:
“Do not look what others do they are so many, you just get into a game which never finishes. Just go straight and let God be your guide, so you go right and just, and even if you went all alone.” (very bad translation, it should be in rhymes)
It is a beautiful German Poem by Christian Morgenstern, who is well known for his humorous poems. I could never imagine why my teacher wanted me, an 8 year old little girl desperately seeking validation by others and being bullied all the time walk alone. Now at 46 I finally got it!
swehrli (are you Swiss by ancestry by chance?): I would look up “Stockholm syndrome”. It helped me a lot understanding my incomprehensible self destructing behaviour during all my life. I so discovered that my mother is a N and my father is a P, both classic and model cases, but having been around them for all my life it was NORMAL for me LIKING being treated very badly and I always tried to please my parents to get the occasional random attention and love.
I just found out during the aftermath of the X that they too were not able to love me and that I saw in the X most probably my father WHO LOVES ME. The X did not love me a bit of course too, and the revealing phrase was after a flight (he is a pilot) and he did some emergency procedures on a big lake (total engine failure; if you imagine the guy landing on Hudson river you get the idea) for which I thanked him and expressed my adoration of him when he said “I do not care who sits in the airplane behind me”. It was so devastating as the mask dropped.
I got NC with my parents too, i.e. I talk with them like to strangers, about groceries, clothes, the weather and the like but they do not belong anymore into my life and I do not share deep feelings or wishes with them, my “parents” are dead to me, and I feel so much better.
Star: I also have mixed feelings about snakes. A friend of mine who worked for “Medecins sans frontieres” once got bitten by a snake on a toilet at night when she had the runs while working in Darfour.
I admire though their beauty and maybe they got a very bad reputation by the role they play in the bible.
Learnthelesson: I consider getting a SPA-treatment this very weekend and I will be having a toast on both of us with a fine chai tea!
Have you all a very good evening!
Matt: Thanks, you are the first person to point me to a place where I can get information! The site is perfect.
Libelle: Yes, the name is Swiss; my deceased husband’s name. I just figured out that my deceased father had been a sociopath. He and my ex share many traits as I recently found out by making a list to compare. Wow! Eye opener. My father abandoned me when I was 4.
I think I am in the reframing step of healing. Gosh, I have learned so much here in 3 weeks now. I am glad, I mean profoundly grateful for finding this site. Thank you Donna and everyone behind the scenes, including the writers, and Oxy, Rune, Wini, and Kathleen. Thanks you guys, ladies and gentlemen.
For years, literally I looked for answers of what this was, I was trying to understand this S. He backed out of counseling after he had suggested we go for marriage counseling. A scam for me to go, he had no problem, why should he go?
All the while I was puzzled for years by his behavior, and when I came here, it all made sense. Reading the stories were him in every aspect. I couldn’t believe it.
After changing the locks 9 months ago it was the best thing I could have done, thank God he is gone and for giving me the strength to do this. He came home 5 minutes before the locksmith was to arrive. He left and came right back in, and as soon as he pulled away the locksmith pulled up. Talk about a close call. Whew.
The emotions that came at that same time were ever changing, sorting of the relationship, who was he, what was he, am I ever going to feel good again. Shear confusion, doubt, no self esteem left at all. I couldn’t have said this before. In this relationship I had always been independent, worked, owned my home, took care of the house, the yard, the bills, the family basically everything. All the while S just sat and watched. When he was asked for help, there was always an excuse of, I have to do this and go here or I need a nap. Don’t we all need a nap at some time? Well I took this stuff, why? To make a family work. Never again. I should have been able to be firm do it, or you are out.
The worst part of healing for me has been the feeling of not having any self esteem left at all. And feeling of an identity crisis, of who am I after all this stuff? I know who I am, also know I am capable of doing everything that I had been doing. Maybe it is not an identity crisis, just having been through the wringer with an S. I was drained and tired of the selfish issues he had and it had impacted me for the past nine months.
Today I am still me, after all these years, and today I can say I like myself and feel so much more empowered after going through this hell on earth. Literally. Who drives themselves to the hospital to give birth? While the S husband moved out because he asked me to choose between Him and my grown adult kids. I said you should know that answer, my kids came first and always will. I asked him not to ask me to choose, I love you. So he walked out, I was due in 2 months. Today, now he says I threw him out. Lies, Lies , Lies. I never saw someone who lied so much about every single thing and even what he says, will later say he did not say, and then say that I am the one who lied.
The freedom now is great. I am not tired and drained. The future is wide open with all it has to offer. And I have the strength again. I know some days you can go back a step and the next day you can be ahead a few. The future holds promise. It did not feel like this when going through it.
Healing does come, just as healing with grief, having been in grief for six years after my loss of my grown child, a miscarriage around the same time, a birth and loss of 3 other relatives. No wonder it has been hard. There were no more emotions or energy left to deal with S, least alone drain more energy on him. It took every ounce of me to fight back so to say, to change those locks and say it is done No More. Life is hard, I just wasn’t expecting everything all at once. I do not want to come across as selfish in my post. There are others with more burdens in life to carry. Just venting and blogging.
S tried his darndest to break me when I was down and grieving. But I am still standing and walking, and I can laugh again after the S, and more importantly I can still love, maybe harder than ever before. And a new awareness of what is out there, it lived in my house!
After an S I have learned to really take care of myself, emotionally and physically with sleeping and resting more. I do not know if I ever can give myself 100% to someone like this again. Do I want to? Not now, maybe never. Dinner maybe, no roomates or more. LOL
I have a dog and youngins. I think Wini told me to get a dog. LOL
Dear Is opn. Thank you for sharing! I think you can proudly say after having been through all this and not showing one hint of bitterness in your post: I have made it THERE, I’ll make it EVERYWHERE (like Franky sang!). Congratulations!!! In German there is a saying: what does not break me, that makes me stronger. How true! I wish you a peaceful evening.
libelle, thank you for your post. Bitterness, maybe some specs and pieces of it inside, but it will be detoxed out. I don’t want to come across as me first. But yes. You need to take care of yourself, before you can take care of anyone else. I did it wrong, the other way around, everyone first and then me, more importantly to say meeting everyone’s needs, (youngins always and will be first) , but the others should have come, after my needs were met.
Having a good support structure to back you up is very important, I found a grief support system, left it up to God when it was all falling apart, I have a few religious spiritual advisors, now friends, who I did not hesitate to lean on daily. Being open and honest with my friends and family of my weaknesses, and having others who have been through it to relate to. You cannot do this alone and you shouldn’t. There are many compassionate people still left in the world, angels, good people to help you through life’s crisis’. I am very grateful to them all.
And, there are the others to beware of.