by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Aloha, thank you for this. I also had “lists”, although they came in the form of a journal. Several months ago I dug out my journal(s) and read all of them. It made me literally sick and also sad. I ripped them all up and burned them. The “lists” are forever engraved on my soul, I didn’t feel like I needed them anymore. I also had the fantasy that somehow J would miraculously wake up one day and realize the damage he had done and profusely apologize and we too would live happily ever after. Not gonna happen. I am thankful for that today.
Excellent list!
I too believe it’s more productive to make a list of Absolute Nots, rather than a pie in the sky list of hopes, which may be unrealistic… and may in fact lead me to people who seemingly have those pie in the sky attributes – and wind up with the really bads that come along with them!
I particularly like “hypocritical”… that’s on my list of Absolutely Nots. People who have a habit of contradicting themselves… always a bad sign.
Also, someone who acts like some kind of Coach. In my experience, if a romantic interest is acting as Council Advisor to you, it’s a sign they think they have AUTHORITY over you. Which means you’re subordinate. Which really doesn’t make sense in a PARTNERSHIP which should be of equality.
I think of this guy I know, who has such a belligerant controlling personality, people call him “Angry [Name]”. He’s a control freak. And he’s always getting in people’s faces. He has the hots for one of my friends. He tried to deny it… like right after he’d made a series of really disgusting sexual innuendo… and he follows her like a rabid puppy. She’s not interested, but she’s basically too nice for her own good maybe. He gets in her face and starts lecturing her in this authoritative tone & manner. He talks a lot, but he doesn’t even say much. But he seems to love to take that authoritative tone, not just telling her what to do- but telling her how she feels and how she should.
Unfortunately, I think sometimes if a guy like this catches a woman at a particular time in her life, or whatnot… it might actually seem attractive. That he’s taking a seemingly passionate interest. That he wants to take charge.
I’ve been reading “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell. And I just got to a part (fairly early in the book) last night about these studies done w/ couples, where they took video of them arguing – about some seemingly minor things apparently… and they could, by just a few minutes of interaction, predict with 90% accuracy, which couples would still be married in 15 years, and which ones would not.
The author said, on the surface, many may seem calm, reasonable, supportive people in a very rational sounding argument. But even so, there’s clues that show which marriages are actually happy, and which are, I guess, dysfunctional. And they’re quantifiable in just a few minutes of observation of the couple arguing.
The guy who was leading the study indicated that the top signal of a troubled marriage is CONTEMPT. Any signs of contempt, and that’s the big indicator the marriage won’t survive.
There were a couple other things, like things they called “stone-walling” & criticism, and “yes-buts” (which is when someone starts out sounding like they’re supportive & validating, but takes it back in the next breath)…
They said that women did more criticizing, and men did more stone-walling.
But the guy said that contempt was the real big indicator, and it was found equally between the genders. And it’s not hard to spot once you know what you’re looking for.
Which makes sense. It’s something I read about in “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans – contempt, and the relation to the Power Over attitude involved in abusive relationships.
Any time someone takes a superior stance, and belittles another person, there’s a problem that only leads to other problems.
Problem is, I think especially women, have been kind of trained by society & culture to think that take charge superiority attitude in a man/lover is attractive.
And that’s a problem I think.
The same guy that will sweep you off your feet, take charge, whisk you away, etc… is the same guy that’s going to look down on you as a subordinate, then disrespect you, belittle you, and eventually there’s contempt.
And contempt isn’t loving.
Contempt doesn’t turn to love.
Real life isn’t like the fairy tale “Beauty & the Beast”.
Interesting topic about your “list”. Also I agree we should all write some type of list or journal concerning what happen during and/or after the “bad” people start to show their true colors. As for me it was in a form of a journal. I started it to get some grasp of reality because of all the changes concerning my children’s and my life in such a short time. Not too mention all the changes that took place in my ex P. Some of them unbelievable and at the same time for me emotionally inappropriate. So in the beginning when I too thought or felt that we might be able to savage some of this mess I would read that journal which always brought me back into reality and allow me to come to my senses. So yes readers write it on paper so that one might be able to view it in black and white. If nothing else it will help you save your sanity.
What a great idea! When I was just beginning my recovery from years and years of mind-****ing, I made several handwritten copies of Martha Stout’s “13 Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths” from her book “The Sociopath Next Door.”
One I taped to my dresser mirror, one I kept in my wallet, and one I kept under my blotter at work. Can’t tell you how many times I referred to that list. It really helped in moments of weakness, when I was so tempted to start believing his lies again.
The things I have learned over the past four years have helped me tremendously as I very gingerly re-entered the dating world. I recognized red flags right away with one fellow, and got out cleanly (he talked only about himself, and even admitted to a bad temper that made him punch holes in walls). The second one took me a little longer to recognize and get disentangled from, but I did it. (He was very good at the pity play.)
A list is a great idea. “Arrogance” is at the top of mine. Any sign of it, and I’m gone.
Tood… ah yes.. Arrogance. Forgot that one. Good one.
Alohatraveler,
Great article! I find it interesting that with the mound of confusion I experienced in my life from the S, which sounds a lot like what James did, I started to journal as well. When I’d look back at what I wrote it was astounding at how many contradictions there were with things he said and did and how aptly I was describing an S. I found it sad that I needed to start writing things down in order to keep up with what was happening. But it was to my benefit in the end in many ways.
It’s a wonderful idea to make a list of attributes that remind us of what we were dealing with to help us stay grounded in reality when denial or confusion sets in. Thanks for sharing that!
WP, Thanks for the information regarding contempt. I had never thought about it in the way you worded it.
“The same guy that will sweep you off your feet, take charge, whisk you away, etc” is the same guy that’s going to look down on you as a subordinate, then disrespect you, belittle you, and eventually there’s contempt. And contempt isn’t loving.”
In my experience I was thrown off by my ex’s disregard for me. I didn’t recognize this as contempt. I tried to understand the motivation behind his behavior and as many of us do, I blamed myself. It must have been something I did to elicit that silent treatment or uncooperative behavior. Afterall, things were going so well until I opened my mouth with a concern.
My ex didn’t show anger that often. At least in a form that was most familiar to me. He never called me a name. But if I were to describe that look in his eyes, his demeanor, his beavior, you hit the nail on the head with the word contempt. Thank you. You really put it into perspective.
Looking at the word contempt I just found these quotes from Wikipedia. Which, btw, mentions the book you’re reading “Blink”.
“Contempt is brought about by a combination of anger and disgust.” “Contempt is also a particular way of regarding or attending to the object of contempt, and this form of regard has an unpleasant effective element. However, contempt may be experienced as a highly visceral emotion similar to disgust, or as cool disregard.”
Ah, that cool disregard. The fact that the S continued to compare himself to me fits the picture too. What was once thought of as relating to me suddenly turned into a feeling of one-upmanship which was part of his emotional manipulation. I recall him even saying at one point that I was walking away the “better person” because of something he did that I refused to do. Apparently it left him looking badly in his eyes. It was enough for him to cry at his frustration over it. I didn’t get it. For me it was about loving and respecting another person. To him it was about looking the best. Something I later realized was the drive behind his lying and gaslighting. He could never accept being wrong or looking bad.
In setting himself above others in his drive to be seen as Mr. Wonderful, contempt certainly does fit that picture. It’s interesting how we learn so much from each other here at LF and how, looking back, things start to make more and more sense. I used to ask my ex where I was on his totem pole of people in his life. To have even instinctually felt that he saw people in a manner to liken it to a totem pole is interesting. It’s also interesting how I began my journal at that time with the title, “The Exorcism of _______.” Now isn’t that telling. Talk about disregarding intuition. But now I’m learning why I did that and I’m so much better in the long run for the journey.
Thanks again WP! I shall add contempt to the top of my list!
The above list sounds just like my first husband. I wonder though, how can there be so many kinds of bad people in the world? My ex-cheater bf has hardly any of the traits on that list, but he still hurt me so bad.. even worse than the arrogant one.
What a brilliant article Aloha!
Writing things down and making this kind of list is such an enlightening and practical way of helping people see reality. Very often our heads are in such a spin from the manipulation and mind games that we go round and round in mental cirlces which leads on to those awful obsessive thoughts. Looking at a list in the cold light of day can bring us back down to earth and even if it is painful, it’s a constructive kind of pain that makes NC so much easier.
The list I made early on was of the bizarre things he had said to me. He had never been physically abusive and his threats were always sugar coated stories with a sting in the message. Very cleverly those stories were always about someone else, so he camouflaged his own manipulation. At the time I didn’t have any knowledge of manipulation but reading it all now it is SO obvious what he was doing to me.
The other method I found helpful when it came to the ‘withdrawal’ symptoms was to draw little doodles of how to free myself. I did one of his face with horns and a tail so that I took a away that romantic image and one of me with my family as very large circles with him as a tiny little dot attached by a thin chain. As I gradually felt better I cut the chain in my drawing, I visually freed myself and it really did help!
Swallow
Dear Aloha, Great article!
WP—good additions, that superiority thing with the looking down on you. Good point.
All: Great comments!