by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Everyone is correct about what they write of their EX anti-social personalities that destroyed their lives.
Remember, we don’t have ulterior motives for meeting, liking, being with others … they do. HOW SAD.
We should pool our pennies left over after they took us for everything and buy an island … members are the LF bunch (LOL).
Peace and harmony everyone … we will get there, we earned the right to live it.
OxD, you’re on target. “Triangling,” poor boundaries, and sobriety don’t mix! Interesting about how you wrote that the hardest thing was to keep your mouth shut about your son’s P-GF/DIL. My mother has said the same about the S I was married to for 3 years. She didn’t think he seemed “right” when we began dating, and his statements rang alarm bells in her instinctive thought process. Then she sensed me withdrawing from family contact after our marriage; we saw each other less and our phone conversations were stilted and antiseptic. Still she kept her mouth shut so as not to alienate me… something told her I’d need her if the crap REALLY hit the fan. When I finally opened up about the dysfunction, split from the S, and she realized how severe things became, our communication and relationship improved. No prison or jail for my S, tho- he’s adept at avoiding legal consequences for his behavior.
Kager- 27 yrs? Whew! Glad to see you here. No matter how long it was, ANY time is the right time to arrive on LF.
Melissa
kat … it sure IS hard to let go of the memories of the incredible sex. it’s actually the one thing i still miss SO much. just knowing he was coming over used to get me going. my heart would pound with the anticipation … even after 20+ years.
HOWEVER, it wasn’t worth the pain of it all. lots of women were getting the thrill of him. and that makes me sick to my stomach. everytime i miss him sexually, i think of how he played me … with LOTS of women. and with one of them now pregnant, i’m thankful i don’t have a disease!
kat, at this point i’ll give up that excitement to have someone actually love me when they touch me.
it is most definitely a hard trade-off, but i never want to feel this again as long as i live.
TOWANDA!!!
Lost.. I totally agree. I hope I can get a Towanda moment soon, right now I am incredibly depressed. I am still recovering from my divorces which left me with kids to raise and no help. Between the financial stress and the emotional downs, it’s hard to even want to live sometimes.. or figure out how to live.
Dear Melissa,
I had finally given up on my son C ever “seeing the light” and she was getting him into financial problems and all kinds of things, but I didn’t even know the HALF OF IT, as he kept his own pain and “cards” close to his chest. I knew that “something” was making him depressed, cranky and alienated but not even half the extent of it. He was determined to “work it out” and had taken his marriage vows very seriously.
Even after he discovered her affair with the Trojan horse P he still said “let’s go to counseling” we will work it out. SHE pretended to want to work it out to let her have enough time to buy the guns, get the money out of my mother’s account, rent a storage unit and get her “personal” momentoes out of the house, etc. and get her “plan” in order. She even had sex with him the night before she tried to kill him in an effort to convince him that she was “sincere” in her efforts to “work it out.”
As the cops were hauling her out of my mother’s home in hand cuffs she turned to my mother and said as much, and then said “And it made my skin crawl to let him touch me.” (How P is that!?!)
In her bail hearing before the judge, I stood up and told him what she had done (her BF was also there that day for a bail hearing) about the “dirty S & M photographs of her taken in my mother’s home with her BF) about the stealing the money, the buying guns, etc. and then after my “speech” he asked her what ties to the community she had so that would assure her not running and she said “Well, I have MY HUSBAND’S FAMILY HERE!” LOL She didn’t even get it that after I had stood up and spoken against her that HAVING HER HUSBAND’S FAMILY (LIKE NAMELY ME) HERE would not be a “benefit” to her bail hearing! LOL They really do NOT get it. He gave her a bail of $150,000 instead of what the prosecutor said would probably be no more than $25,000. TOWANDA!!!! TOWANDA!!!!
She rushed to the phone at the jail to try to make bail with the money she had stolen from my mother ($24,000) but the sheriff kept her away from the phone long enough for my mom’s lawyer to get a “hold” put on the money so she could not make bail, and thus she stayed in until her sentenceing where she was given 5 yrs probation in addition to the 8 months she served in the county jail. As part of her plea agreement she had to give back all the money she still had which was fortunately most of it.
She pulled all the “usual” P-type behaviors trying to get sympathy and pity from the community, their minister, and the church people, but no one bought it at all. Funny (odd) thing was that when thye released her since she had no money and no place to go they put her in a DV shelter until she made arrangements to go somewhere else. She even showed up at the divorce hearing (which suprised me as there was no property to divide) and sat through it while she was keel-hauled from the witness stand for adultery and attempted murder. (Arkansas does not have a “no fault” divorce statute so you have to drag all the dirty linen out) but quite frankly, at the time we were all still so angry that we flapped ALL of it in the BREEZE with TRUMPETS. From the look on the face of the woman from the DV shelter that was with her, I don’t think what we testified to was exactly what she had told the people at the DV shelter. LOL Typical P.
It really kind of stunned me that SHE would be placed in a DV shelter, when beds there are so difficult to come by for REAL victims, not the ABUSERS themselves being placed in a shelter. I guess the county didn’t think they could turn her loose “homeless” on the streets of a rural town though.
I’m just SO glad that she is out of our lives.
(Backtracking a few posts) I have also had some poor experiences with people in 12-step groups, though I have never belonged to any. It was my petsitter (a recovering alcoholic and member of AA) who first told me my S was a sociopath. I had been very freshly hurt by him when I told her the story. She had been through it with an ex husband, and it was on her recommendation that I googled “sociopath” and found this site.
She helped me write him an angry email. But it was obvious that she was using the email to vent some of her own anger toward her ex. It also took me a few weeks to really understand what he had done and formulate my own response. In the process, I engineered a few situations where I could observe him lying to my friends. I needed to do this to come out of denial, and it took a few weeks. However, 2 days after the visit with my petsitter, I called her to tell her the latest developments and what I’d found out, thinking she would be a good support for me (as she’s offered to be). She immediately became very angry and judgmental and said she couldn’t be my friend because she was “enabling” me! This was just a few days after I found out about his lies, so I was still in shock and still needing validation. I felt very put down by this. I have not heard from her since, thankfully.
Another 12-stepper is my massage client who is an abusive narcissist. She talks all the lingo from the AA program, but doesn’t seem to be able to get past her own narcissism.
I know some people who have had their lives saved by AA. But my experience with these folks has not been very positive. They seem to pretend to know what is best for me and how to live my life, and if it doesn’t involve the program, then I’m wrong.
Hello,
My name is Gregory
My favorite color is orange. I didn’t know that until my wife forced me to wear something other than my law enforcement t shirts. I had never really given it any thought. I never felt one way or another about what color I prefered or whether or not I should prefer one over the other at all.
I like drawing. It’s a difficult hobby because I keep erasing over and over again when I don’t like what it looks like. I have to ask my Wife what she thinks so I can know when to leave it well enough alone. I always thought I was no good at it. I never realized that I couldn’t like what I was drawing no matter what it looked like. Mostly my hobbies include nature spotting, learning history, and snow boarding. I never realized that those types of hobbies relaxed me more because there was no subjectivity. It either was the right animal or it wasn’t. You either stayed upright on your board or continued on to the emergency room. No opinion was required of me to determine my sucess at the hoby. I think that was why law enforcement was always an easy job for me. I could see through anyones lies because I had no feeling clouding my opinion. No one could play off of my emotions.
I’ve never felt joy realy. I always buy things for others at the mall because I could never decide on anything for me. I though it was because I was picky. I didn’t know there was nothing in any mall that I would ever feel one way or the other about.
There are things I do feel though. I feel afraid sometimes. Not for my own safety though. I thought it was because I was brave. Wrong again. My safety just wasn’t one of those things I worry about. What I do feal fear from is whether or not everyone is looking at me. Whether or not they all know I’m not like them and just want me to go away. I feel fear that people can tell what thoughts go through my mind. they would surely outcast me If they did. I know not to ever act on them. I remind myself it’s just temptation and I resist. Sometimes it takes alot but I will never give up. I would sooner die than harm someone else.
I’m also afraid that my Wife may leave me. She is the only person I have ever felt anything for. I haven’t spoken to any of my Brothers, Father or Mother in years. I don’t feel like one of them. She is the only person to ever give me a chance. My loyalty is hers forever because of it. The fear is because I can never tell if I’m loving her enough or the right way. I can’t sleep sometimes because I’m afraid Her and my Daughter are unhappy with something I’ve done or didn’t do. Keeps me on my toes I guess.
I have an improvised personality just like most “outcasts”. Not to trick anyone. Only because without it I would never be able to show the correct reactions in response to events. I had to watch others to know when to laugh and when I should look angry. Harder than it sounds. I wasn’t very good at it in high school. No one realy invited me anywhere. Wasn’t funny enough or dressed well enough and never felt the drive to harass low income kids or the guy with the lisp. Without those qualities no “in” crowd will have you. I just wanted to go about my day and be left alone.
I go to church too. Guilt is another thing I feel. Guilt that I can’t feel Gods love because I’ve made him angry with me or I’m not good enough and shouldn’t even be there. That’s a tough one to shake. I’ve lived my life as best I can. I never knew this was what I was and it’s why I’m so different. I thought I was just different. I guess that’s still somewhat accurate. I hope I make my family more happy than I do sad. I worry about that alot.
I’ve read all of your comments and blogs. I was looking for a support group to join so that I can become better at making my family happy even though I know I will never feel much joy myself. At least I may be able to do them some good. Same reason I became law enforcement. Maybe it will make up for whatever it is I did to bring this upon myself.
What I found though was a group that has forgotten that others besides themselves can hurt, have favorite books, and want someone to love them. I wonder how many of these men in the many blogs have killed themselves or will eventually. That’s one statistic I didn’t see here. Maybe that statistic didn’t promote hate enough for inclusion. Kind of compromises the integrity of the message wouldn’t you say? How many here would wish suicide apon them? This is why I hide myself to others. I don’t want to be called a witch and cast out. You can’t have any idea what it is like no not feel anything for your own Father. To feel the same way around a brother as you do a stranger. I have been alone my whole life. Now I know that it was because of me. I was the one that pushed them all out. I am the cancer. Do you offer to carry my burden? I can barely carry it and It has already been pointed out on the LoveFraud Main page that I have no heart or soul. The weight of this emptiness bears down on me like the ocean apon it’s floor. And I’m not as human as you are. Good thing or surely I’d have collapsed under its weight by now.
I am not writing this because I wan’t you to know anything about me.
Only to offer this. Just because one man or woman hurt you does not mean all Sociopaths give up or are corrupted so easily. I will fight this plague until it takes my last breath which I will not give up easily. With that last breath I will let my Wife know that is was because of the small light she gave me that I never gave up. The only light I ever felt.
Secondly, If you hate something so much that you deny it’s humanity you may give up your own without noticing. This man or woman may have hurt you and taken everything from you. But the death of your compassion, empathy and humanity will be on your own hands. You will have struck your own final blow not because a sociopath failed you but because your character did.
Oh… If you would permit me to correct the one lie I noticed that I told during my post.
I said earlier that I would die before I harmed another person.
There is an exception to that.
I promise that the man that ever harms my Wife or Daughter will have each and every nightmare I have ever had to hold back from the world in my own mind visited apon him. It would be endless.
Find a non sociopath that could ever promise that kind of love to another.
When you find you can’t how much darker will the world seem to you?
Gregory – Reading your post made my heart beat very slow. You did say one thing that did make sense [ But the death of your compassion, empathy and humanity will be on your own hand’s. You will have struck your own final blow not because a sociopath failed you but because your character did.] That just strengthen’s my resolve to move on with life and leave the spath behind in his own hell……
Dear Gregory,
If you are trying to “label” yourself a sociopath and have us pity you because you “can’t feel”—I think you A) have not done a very good job of styling yourself a psychopath/sociopath, and B) if you were indeed a psychopath, you wouldn’t be here pretending to be one.
If the things you wrote are true, then I feel very much pity for a man who has always been lonely—I don’t feel anything for my son either, or my other, because they have abused me to the point that they have no claim on my love. That doesn’t mean I am a psychopath. I wasn’t in the “in” crowd at school either, I was the nerdy kid that wasn’t a big foot ball fan. Doesn’t mean I am a psychopath. I didn’t make fun of the kid with the lisp either. Doesn’t make me a saint either.
Threatening the person who would harm your wife or child isn’t “love” but I would certainally understand that feeling if someone hurt my loved ones. I think that feeling would be natural in any human being EXCEPT a psychopath. They might actually hurt you for messing with their “property” which is what they would consider their “loved ones” but it isn’t out of “love.”
I WOULD also under some circumstances hurt or even kill another person, to DEFEND myself or any other person from bodily harm from an attack if I could at all do so. I would not, however, seek revenge on another by going out and hunting them down and harming them. That’s what the LAW is for. Sometimes we get that justice, and sometimes we don’t.
Psychopaths don’t commit suicide very often, because they do not feel guilt or remorse for their crimes against other humans. They feel JOY or GLEE or good that they have done hateful things to others and the others hurt. They have no loyalty or bond to others, though sometimes they view other people as their “property” and there fore they will seek revenge against either the “property” that leaves them or anyone that “helped” the property to leave them.
The world isn’t darker to me because I am not “loved by a psychpath”—who would kill for me. I am in the light because I have the psychopaths that WOULD HAVE KILLED ME out of my life.
If the reason you don’t have anything to do with your family of origin is because you have abused them and they have tossed you out, then they did the right thing. If instead, you don’t have anything to do with them because they abused you, then you did the right thing. If you have been abused, then you may indeed have crushed your emotions to where you feel little, but that does not make you a psychopath.
This blog is for the healing support for victims who have encountered psychpaths that have abused them. If you are a victim of a psychopath then this is the appropriate place for you to open yourself to healing. If you, instead, are a psychpath, or think you are, then I suggest that you seek counseling and assessment. If it turns out that a professional who is skilled in assessments determines that you are most likely personality disordered, then there are treatments that may help curb your violence and abusive behavior toward others.
If what you say about wanting to make your wife and daughter happy is true, then that alone to me means that you are NOT a psychopath/sociopath. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a low self esteem or other problems or “issues” (we all have “issues” of one sort or another–none of us is perfect).
Most of us I would venture to say don’t “hate” the psychopaths that have harmed us, though there is a period in the healing process where this anger/hate is even appropriate response to the DELIBERATE INJURIES that they have done to us—lied to us, stolen money from us, cheated on us, disposed of us, tried to kill us, etc—anger and hate is an appropriate response to this injury—however, if you will read my thread on FORGIVENESS of the psychopaths, the getting the bitterness against them out of our hearts, you will see that we are not out to harm these people, but to bring them to legal justice if they have violated the laws, and to GET THEM OUT OF OUR LIVES so that they CANNOT HARM US AGAIN.
I will pray for you, as you are obviously unhappy, whatever your problems are or are not. No, I don’t “pity” the psychopath who has harmed me or others, because I believe that the psychopath just like the rest of us has FREE WILL in how they behave. They know right from wrong, and choose to do wrong, knowing it is wrong. The consequence of doing wrong is always there…just like you arrest people who break laws that they know are there, they choose to break those laws and you take them to jail. Should you let them go if they rob a liquor store because they had a “sad childhoood?” of course you don’t let them go, you take them in. The consequence for robbing a business is to go to jail if you get caught, no matter what your “excuses” or reasons are.
The consequences of abusing another are that the other may not continue to associate with you. Psychopaths don’t treat us well because they choose NOT to. If you choose to treat your wife well, then obviously you are not a psychopath. I am sorry that you are so unhappy though, and I advise you to seek help for that unhappiness.
I never attacked you and look at the responses.
I also agree that disorder or not, What these men and women did is inexcusable. They were pathetic. They deserve no remorse. In that you are correct.
I only offer that not all psychopaths act this way. That is why the word was replaced with anti-social, dissocial, sociopath, etc.. To kill this stereotype. you may also find, if you research, that many socio’s do what they do not knowing that they are the bad guy. Some of us can alter our behavior after intervention. After we face what we have done. And we can try to make it right. Google psychopaths in law enforcement, the military and politics. Maybe you will be supprised.
I’m good at stopping bad men because I recognize my traits in them.
I do not stand behind those who harmed you.
But it was because they were corrupt people that they did what they did. Having a disorder was only part of it.
inability to experience empathy
very low tolerance for frustration
marked proneness to blame others
pair that with the fact that many with this disorder are drawn to others with emotional disorders and you may find that you yourselves are fitting in nicely to the criteria yes?
lest by the same scales ye in turn shall be judged? Anyone?
I am not attacking you. I am trying to help you turn from a path that you don’t know you are on. A path I know well.
Good luck with your recovery all.
Just remember. Their damage to you is not finished if you keep obsessing in hatred.