by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
no one has attacked you either – your observation’s and opinion’s are taken seiously on my part – if you are a physcopath – with a chill in my bone’s i thank you for your insight – you made me think from your point of view
Gregory,
I asked you to read the thread/article I wrote about FORGIVING them for what they did to us. That forgiveness is to let US not live in hate and anger for what they did to us.
Part of our recovery is to assess OUR part in allowing the abuse to continue after the first time. But we do NOT and don’t ever fit into their “criteria” as psychopaths.
Not all psychopaths are criminals, but psychopaths are incapable of haivng a relationship that is not abusive at least emotionally with their close intimate relationships–SOs, children, etc. though they are quite capable of keeping up a “mask” over these abusive behaviors in public or with people who are willing and able to challenge them.
All I am saying is that I think your self diagnosis of psychopathic personality disorder may be quite off the mark if what you say is true. If your behaviors are NOT abusive with your wife and daughter and with others then it is quite likely you have some other emotional or mental problem, such as bi-polar, or depression etc. rather than personality disorder. For your sake I hope that is so, as there is effective treatment for these problems.
There are also “degrees” of psychopathic and narcissistic personality disorder, just as there are “degrees” of depression or bi-polar etc. with some people having “more” and some “less” of the problem. But to be fully diagnosed and labeled as a psychopath check out the Psychopathic Check list-revised, by Dr. Robert Hare, and if you fit that description, and score over 30, then you “qualify”–but me thinks that if you so qualify then having you walk around loose with a gun and a badge is a dangerous thing.
PS for a psychopath to diagnosis themselves is as close to impossible as for pigs to fly. Even diagnosing yourself with depression is quite difficult. As a former medical and mental health professional, I can testify to that. It’s kind of like the old saying “a doctor/lawyer etc who has themselves for a client, has a foolish client.”
Everyone has “bad thoughts” or “temptations” to do things they know are not right, the difference between “us” and “them” is that they don’t even try to stop themselves from doing those things. Then, if there are consequences to their behaviors, they blame someone else for those consequences.
I’m sorry that you feel you are a psychopath, whether you are one or not. Thinking you are a psychopath must be a heavy burden to bear. I still advise you to seek help for your unhappiness and the burden that you seem to have of thinking you are a psychopath. I have no doubt that most psychopaths know that they are different from “us”–and most of them don’t know what it is that we have that they don’t (the ability to truly love) and they are continually searching for that, but never find it. That’s a terrible burden for any human to bear, but I can’t “fix” them, and will no longer try. I was raised in a family of psychopaths and dysfunctional enablers for them. I can’t help them, and I won’t tolerate the abuse they heap upon my head. They have chosen evil behavior and see no reason to change it. I don’t have to be like them to recognize their behavior is bad, toxic, and dangerous.
As far as “judging others” and being weighed by the “same scales.”….. Jesus said that “by its fruit you shall know the tree, whether it is good or evil.” Fruit, being the behavior. I don’t have to know what is in their “hearts” to determine if a person is psychopathic or narcissistic, I can OBSERVE how they behave to make that call. People who treat each other abusively fall in to that catagory of “evil”—people who lie, cheat, steal, rob, assault, emotionally abuse, etc….those are people I want to avoid. To completely avoid such people I would have to move to Mars or a desert island alone, but I don’t have to let them into my “circle of trust” and be intimatly involved with them on a personal level. That doesn’t mean I have to allow myself to be eaten alive with bitterness or hatred either, which I don’t allow that.
Actually I’m not interested in as you said “Kill this stereotype” but actually to educate people to the signs and symptoms, the behavioral pattern of the psychopath so that they can spot them before they are damaged severely by them, before they are stolen from, cheated on, used and abused. Just as I taught my children what kind of snakes to avoid so that they would not be bitten by a poisonous snake, but not be afraid of the harmless kind. I also taught them how to spot a potentially rabid skunk and to avoid bats which frequently are vectors for rabies. Since psychopaths don’t have a visible pattern of scales on their backs or other identifying marks, the way you tell when someone is a psychopath is by their behaviors and tell-tale “red flags.”
I hope you teach your daughter about psychopaths so that she will never be taken advantage of by one, otherwise you might have to go to prison for “hurting another human being” as you stated in your first post. I hope that you don’t encourage her to take pity on one because he is so lonely and needs someone to show confidence in him and help him, cause that is sure to get her hurt.
If you are interested in learning more about psychopaths (sociopath/anti-social personality disorder) there is lots of good information here most written by mental health professionals with excellent credentials and very helpful in education about the disorder.
Henry, that’s twice we have posted over each other. How are you darling!? We got 12 inches (measured) of rain here on the farm and everything in the entire state is soaked, power out, schools closed, and people flooded out of their homes, but the rain has quit here for a couple of days at least.
How was your trip to Co? did you have coffee with Perky?
I’m doing well and used the skillet to cook sausage and gravy and biscuits for supper tonight (my son’s favorite meal) and spent the day making a stained glass design I intend to start on as soon as I get the roof leaks in the studio fixed. Hadn’t had any visible problem with leaks since we reroofed it til this rain. Lots of people had trouble with that sort of thing though in their homes, so I guess this problem is minimal compared to others problems. I was seriously thinking of building an ark though, thank goodness I live on a hill!
It feels so good to be back doing things that I ENJOY without feeling guilty about it—even God rested one day a week! So I guess it is okay for me to take a couple of days off from work, right? Hope all is well with you and your doggies! xoxox
Hiya Oxy I am still in Co. It is a working/vacation. I will leave for home Sun. The weather has been beautiful here, i am really enjoying myself. i do miss my doggies tho, my son goes over daily to feed them. I have a pet door so they are pretty much on their own. i do call them (the doggies) and leave messages on the answering machine so they can here my voice. Now if that ain’t pathectic I don’t know what is lol. And yes! I did meet Perky!!!! We had a wonderful afternoon talking nonstop and checking out some of the local art gallery’s. She is just everything i knew she would be, sweet, pretty, intelligent. i think I have a life long friend. I have a very old seasoned cast iron skillit with a lid. I can make the best beef roast in it. Oxy I do enjoy your post and your humour and your friendship thanks……..Henry
so is it humour or humor ? i always wanted to do stained glass. Maybe when I retire I can do some of the thing’s I always wanted too. Perky and i (rita I hope you don’t mind me talkin about you) really connected. I think we are both moving forward with our live’s but both recognize the damage done to us at the hand’s of a spath. I think all of us that have been victim’s of toxic people will have a connection, an understanding – compassion for one another. If it is true that they target kind caring compassionate folks that have a light about them, have something good and special about them I can certainly see why Perky is a victim. So oxy moxy arkansas aint that far, when do I get to have coffee with you??
kat: i hear you loud and clear. it occured to me last nght, as i cried my eyes out after returning home from my first session with a therapist, that i have NO clue how to take care of myself. i was taking care of the s/p every second, always wondering about him, always obsessing about what he said, what he meant, what the truth was … all the time! i realize i have totally forgotten … ME!! i, too, have my moments of abject depression. i miss him a lot. BUT … i dont miss the moment by moment confusion and frustration he caused. i’d rather be depressed with the MEMORY than made crazy by the day to day not-knowing about where i stand with him.
our days of walking on egg shells are over.
our days of being made to feel like we’re mere tools for their gratification are over.
‘freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.’ i’m there, and i’m beginning to understand that this ‘freedom’ leaves a door opened to find ourselves again. i, for one, now realize that i had lost myself in his web, and i’m thankful he released me from it! now, however, the hard part is finding out where i DO belong, and more importantly, remembering who i truly am in relation to the world and NOT in relation to HIM!
it’s no fun … it’s hard as hell … but i’d rather be lost than entangled in his hellish snare!
:::hugs:::
A few months ago we were all talking about how we would ALL like to meet, have some sort of retreat or something along that line, a “convention” or whatever you want to call it. I talked to Donna about something like that and she said not right now, but maybe she has something planned in the future.
I offered to host it here at the farm as I have the aircraft hangar and the barn, house and the studio (almost done) for meeting rooms and such and plenty of room for camping, parking, and all that. I know that most of us are on “limited” incomes, some due to the Ps bankrupting them etc. and so a camping vacation/retreat would be an inexpensive way to do it. I also have a commercial kitchen to prepare food for an event like that as well as I am one of THE best cast iron dutch oven over-the-camp-fire cookers in the WORLD–and I am so humble aobut it! ha ha
Seriously I do wish we could have some sort of retreat type thing, with plenty of time to get to know each other, and around a camp fire is a great place to do that….and also some good talks by some folks, and plenty of time to do some therapy work in groups as well.
One of the gals on here a while back (CRS can’t remember the name) posted that she is starting a local support group called RADAR Recovery from Abuse and Dangerous Relationships—I LOVE THAT NAME!!! Sort of along a 12 step program sort of thing.
I know Donna and several others have a lot of irons in the fire with their own lives as well as the blog, writing books etc. but I would be very glad to have such an event here at the farm. Not fancy accomodations, but dry and we could plan it for a time of year that wouldn’t be either too hot or too cold, and if it rained, we still have plenty of room to keep dry.
I went to a really great retreat that was 3 days long at a kids’s camp not to far from here (it is used for other things than kids camping) after my divorce years ago, and I think it was one of the greatest things I have ever done for myself. It was through a program called New Beginnings and the Catholic church sponsored the group, and some of the retreats were held at a monestary in LIttle Rock, and it was for people who had lost a spouse either through divorce or death, and was great for helping through the grief. There were also monthly meetings as well. I participated for about a year I guess after my divorce. The only down side of it was there were always a few people there to try to “hook up” with others rather than work through a recovery program and it wasn’t intended as a “dating club” at all, but you know how that goes. LOL Anyway, I really wish there were a support group around here like the RADAR one. As far as I know the New Beginnings is a nationwide thing but I haven’t kept up with any information about it in a looooong time.
I do wish there was some face to face support group around here that focused on Psychpaths and the aftermath. I’m not at a point yet that I have the moxy to start one, but who knows maybe we will all get to where we will start Love Fraud “francises” in our home areas. Wouldn’t that be great.
Let me know if you are ever going to come this way and you can get my e mail from Donna.
Oh, to answer your question, I think it is humor in the US and humour in England.
And, yes it is PATHETIC that you call your DOGS so they can hear your voice! LOL But a NICE kind of pathetic! LOL That’s about like me going to the butcher with my steers so they aren’t afraid, I think we’re both a couple of softies! LOL
ox: where on earth do you live?
Dear LIG,
YOu said a mouthfull there girlfriend! Yes, when we first get “free” we don’t know what to do with ourselves because we have invested so much in them that we haven’t taken care of ourselves at all. We have “starved” ourselves, while feeding them “emotional steak!”
In a way I think it is kind of like the “empty nest syndrome” that parents go through when the last kid leaves home (I’ll worry about that if mine ever do! LOL) and they realize that they have invested everything in to raising their kids and now they don’t have a “life” of their own. Someitmes marriages bite the dust at this time because the parents haven’t kept a relationship going between themselves, its all been focused on the kids. Or when some folks retire they realize that WORK was their only life, that without their job they have “nothing”—we focus ourselves on pleasing them and even if we aren’t pleasing them we are trying to figure out where we stand, what we can do, how we can “fix” whatever is wrong with them, ya da ya da.
I realized that a while back about me. I had quit playing music, I had quit painting, I had quit doing a LOT OF THINGS that I used to do cause I was focused so much on OTHER PEOPLE’S wants and needs. Not just for a short while due to a family health crisis, or someting like that, but LONG TERM worrying about others, years of it, way too much.
Even if you have a special needs child that takes up a great deal of your time, you still need to focus on yourself, your own life in a healthy way, not TOTALLY on ANYONE else. But the P’s suck our very life out of us. We don’t have the energy to do anything for ourselves.
I’m fixing up a “studio” for myself to do my art work in, to have a place to scatter out my sewing and leave it for whatever period of time I want or need to. To drip paint on the floor and not worry about it, to set a glass down on a table top and not worry if it leaves a “wet ring” on the table. LOL A place to set up my music and pick up and instrument and play if I feel like it. I haven’t done any of these things in years because there was always someone pulling on my time or my emotions and I always “did for” them. I would never have said “No, I can’t do that for you today cause I have a book I want to read, or want to paint, or play music” because that was “selfish” of me (I thought) but it ISN’T SELFISH to want to do what we like to do at least some of the time. Heck, even God rested on one day of the week, and we ought to be able to “recreat” when we need to and not be in such a tizzy that we never get any recreation time for ourselves. Even if that recreation time is just reading a book, or taking a walk, or a long hot bath. WE DESERVE to have OUR NEEDS MET as well as others. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own, they didn’t “make” me put myself aside, but I did, even when I resented it, I did it. That’s wrong on MY part. I have since learned how to say NO–and not feel so guilty about it. Sometimes I even have to tell myself “No” and make myself take care of ME—and not feel guilty about it. LOL
hmmm….i am not quite sure how to react to the thread of entries. i was victim to a sociopath which understandably coincides with many scenarios mentioned above, but i have also learned that i too suffer the disorder. my current husband as well. there seems to be a misunderstanding amongst the general public concerning the concept of emotion amongst us with the disorder, and basic moral function. emotionally it feels void…the emptiness cumbersome. there are several types of psychopathy, but all thrive on the desire to feel (including those whom are quite extreme) rendering the manipulation, violence, etc. we do feel…though it is a very different sort of emotion. the notion that psychopaths are “aware” societal and moral obligations, but merely “decide” to deviate is a half truth. the delusion that society is unable to be salvaged, litigation tainted and common courtesies extinct drives one to abide by a newly devised code. most are not aware of the illusion they are confined to, unable to interact with reality. before i sought treatment i destroyed many lives, homes, bank accounts and maliciously attacked those whom i felt deserving. i realize what i have done, and can only hope that delusion does not once again cloud my vision. but to say all psychopaths will eventually harm you is naive. btw…nearly every comment here describes a generally “normal” asshole male…..