by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
K,
Thank you for posting from the “other side of the mirror” in such a calm and rational way.
Would you please share with us why you sought treatment, and what that treattment was? How did that treatment effect how you relate to others in a positive way? How are you different now than previously? Are your relationships with your friends/family improved? Do you feel that your life is improved?
Thanks again for your point of view.
Do you have other problems such as ADHD and/or bi-polar? Do you also have family members (sibs, parents, who are diagnosed with a personality disorder?)
Hhmn, a possible s or p posts on 9/4, then another one on 9/5. Am I the only one who finds this “odd”?
I just have to jump in here about meeting someone in person that you have met via the internet. This can be a very dangerous thing. Henry and I both took the most precautions we could to protect ourselves. We picked a very busy, public place, I do not know where he is staying and he does not know where I live. We both let the people who love us know exactly where we were going as an extra precaution. As noted, there are people out there who are not the most upstanding people and they can very easily lie. I think both Henry and I were very fortunate to have met but again, we did take proper precautions. He is every bit of the kind, caring, loving and Yes, handsome man that we have come to know and love and the man who snatches him up will be very lucky and blessed. Just please note that it is easier said than done to safely meet someone via the internet. There are too many P’s and S’s out there pretending to be your friend. (Henry is in no way, what so ever one of them)!
Dear jen,
NOPE, you are not the only one who finds it “odd.” I’m sure there have been others here who posed as victims as well. Then there are those that just want to poke a stick at us through the fence. They come and they go, but they are not dangerous to here through the screen.
I have in the past though seen REAL people (non Ps) who were so devestated that they became NUMB and could’t feel. They hurt so badly that some of their behavior was pretty aggressive, striking out in all directions in their intractable pain. But with healing, they began to feel their emotions again. My own son C was in such pain after his now-X wife tried to kill him that he actually said to me “Mom, I think I’m a Psychopath, just like my brother…I can’t feel anything. I can’t love.” I know for a fact, my son C is NOT a psychopath or even close to one, but at that painful time in his life, bless his heart, he was in such pain he questioned himself if he could feel love. So, because of that, I would hate to “blow off”as a P someone who might be in such a condition and post here, but at the same time, if they are a psychpath, some of their contradictory “insights” might be interesting for a little while, but they become boring before long in most cases. Just more of the “same old.” I’ll not give them any more attention.
Perky,
You are so very right!!!! There is no way you can ever know who is on the other end of the computer. That is why that internet dating is so dangerous and frought with problems and dangers.
Even meeting people in the “normal” way at work or at church, or in your community, they can still be Ps and you not know it. I had casually known my P XBF for 10 yrs in a living history group where he was well liked as “mr Nice guy” but it was all a mask of his true self. Getting to know someone in many different situations and over time is the ONLY way to be more or less sure of what kind of person they really are–and that takes TIME and observation.
Hello all, this is my first posting because I too try to make a list when my resolve flickers, which still happens. Top of my list is the rule not to engage with P’s, under any cicumstances, and however curious or fascinated I may be. That is what got me into the situation in the first place. So whether Gregory tries to blame us (don’t we know that tactic?) or k says she has changed, I refuse to be intrigued any more by people who want to make themselves the subject of conversation! For once, it is not about them, it is about us.
Ok I am feeling a little defensive. First off I am a gay man – perky is a straight woman. We both were involved with physcopathic toxic men that we loved, involved with them for year’s! Lovefraud is not a dating site. If I want a date with a man I sure as hell am not going to look for him online on any website. And if I have learned anything about toxic spath people, it is that they are everywhere. And let them blog on, all they want, if they are truly physcopath’s and offering us some insight into their’s tactic’s and thought’s, well yes it is a bit unnerving, but why not listen? We are here to learn? And I am not going to crawl into a hole and hide from them. I want to learn all I can to recognize them – so i can stare them down and think to myself, I know what you are – so don’t f–k with me. And I am not going to become jaded and unkind to humanity – I am a nice guy – and their is nothing wrong with that.
Henry,
The BEST way to handle the P-posts is to IGNORE THEM, not answer them. They (the real Ps) are just seeking attention and notice and not to either learn from us or to teach us.
Most of the time when you’ve seen one P, you’ve seen them all. There’s not a great deal of difference between any of them except some are more violent than others. The ones who get on this kind of site and “poke sticks” at us are the most pathetic kind, really, just attention seeking and find that it’s fun to poke sticks at us if we respond. I made the ERROR of responding, but I won’t do it again. It just encourages them. I tis like NC, everytime we break it, we give them NS and that is what these people are here for is NS. I know that and I don’t even know why I did it, just in a confrontational mood I guess. LOL I’ve got my sleep cycle turned around backwards again, my “Darth Vadar” machine (sleep Apnea machine) was keeping me awake and I slept too late and now I am having to work my way back around the clock, so for the time being I am getting 5-6 hours of sleep and it is mostly in the day so am awake and working at night—tonight I will shampoo carpet and clean cabinets–oh, Joy! What fun! LOL
BTW–what are you feeling “defensive” about? That you and perky met in a public place for coffee and that she took reasonable precautions on meeting someone off the internet? I’d have done the same thing. When I sell stuff on Craig’s list that they have to come to the farm to pick up, I don’t let them in my house or hangar where the tools are because I don’t know these people. I also make a note of their vehicle license number, make and model and physical descriptions (remember I have CRS?) just in case they might want to come back for a better look. Paranoid? Nah, but cautious. Years ago a friend of mine who lived isolated in the country had a guy drive up and ask for a pair of jumper cables and he ended up holding her for 36 hours, raping and threatening her repeatedly and she felt lucky to get out alive. So just cautious.
I have no doubt, Henry, that you are who you say you are, but you know that I am a skillet weilding woman who also has a gun! Remeber that old bumper sticker “I have PMS and a GUN, so look out!” LOL ((((hugs))))
Oxy I guess we are lucky you don’t have pms anymore.
Henry, I’m glad you and Perky got together.. personally I’d like to meet every one of you and collect a hug.
As far as the Gregory posts.. that is the kind of stuff my first husband would sometimes do for entertainment or something.. a sympathy for the devil kind of thing.
But it’s funny to me that my ex-bf would always say things like that: I’ll kill anyone who messes with my daughter. Yet he himself has a very unhealthy relationship with her and is a terrible role model. I used to tell him sometimes: there is more than one way to hurt a kid. Of course then I was just an evil person for hinting that he might be a “bad father”
Dear Kat,
Yea, I am sooooo glad the PMS days are over!!! That was the only part of being preg that was good, 9 months of no PMS! But I”m not sure that feeling like a whale was worth it. I had to stay away from the beach so no one would harpoon me! I got this really cute black and white sweater and pants outfit when I was preg and my hubby said it made me look like Shamu! Fortunately he could run faster than I could and I couldn’t throw my skillet well enough to hit him, so he got away with that comment! LOL
There are so many really cool advantages to be a crone now! No PMS is a biggie! Not having to mess with my make up and hair for hours now, just wash my face and stick my hair up on my head! Yea for post menopausal old ladies! MAXINE ROCKS!!!!
ox: hey, i gave up listening to music too! well, actually, i only listened to music HE liked. yup, it was ALWAYS about him. i never got a break from it. he was so incredibly demanding … i’d always tell him he was an insolent BRAT! … and he was! although he’s almost 40 (i’m 50), he acted like a teenager, with all the demands of one. he was always ‘not feeling well’ and ‘tired’ and ‘i just want to rest.’ type my paper and rub my shoulders and make me french toast. give me a pedicure and iron my clothes and ‘lend me’ 40 bucks. buy me sneakers and i need new t-shirts and what a crybaby you are (when i would cry). yeah, i lost myself completely in his demands. stopped playing my music, stopped doing taiji, stopped seeing friends, stopped going for long walks with my beautiful walking stick (WHY would you use a stick … you look stupid with that thing!). then when i gained 20 pounds and looked as drained as i felt, he got a 25 yr old pregnant. that will make FOUR kids with THREE girls (can’t call them women … sorry).
i’m doing pretty well, though, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ON LF!!
no contact for almost a month now. he’s called me twice, asking me to send him his documents from my computer (all of which i typed for him … over my dead body) and telling me that as soon as he has his ‘stuff’ (all of which i bought him) we can both ‘move on.’ BITE ME!!!
i never called him back and asked his brother to stop calling me because i don’t ever want to discuss the creep or know anything about his life. however, i’m still in disbelief, still can’t wrap my brain around the whole thing, still can’t believe he did that to US, still can’t believe he never really loved me. it’s just completely incomprehensible. but i’m learning that it’s not something i can ever comprehend. and i think that is the hardest part. i’m very cerebral and not being able to understand it all makes it hard to heal. BUT … i know he’s a sick F#&K, it’s not my fault, he’ll do it to his new girlfriend (‘i’d never be mean to her … she’s pregnant with my child and we’re exactly alike and she’s so gorgeous and amazing … blah blah blah’) and i never want to see his gorgeous, BUT SICK, being again!
TOWANDA!!!!
:::putting on mozart’s requiem right now!:::