by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Hi Tartan
Vent here as much as you need. LF people will be patient and will understand. Oxy’s advice is very good though re reading articles first and comments second.
First things first – b-r-e-a-t-h-e and take one step at a time. You need only to take care of you right now and get some support and help until the ‘world stops spinning’ and you can start to put one foot in front of the other.
If you’re in the UK – Samaritans are great too ‘just to talk to’ and are usually ther 24/7. I had to call them several times at the end of my relationship with an abusive man as I was so desperate and had no-one who understood or really cared that I felt so bad – it really helped a lot to have that human contact.
Good luck getting through this as best you can. You’re probably still in shock. It won’t be easy but you will get there one step at a time.
Re the other woman – you will deal with these feelings, but try to tell yourself that ‘getting in a good place matters most, and you’ll deal with all that when you’re ready’.
Everything passes away and ‘this too shall pass’.
Chin up luvly!
Delta 1
tartan – you may not be ‘innocent’ by virtue of marital infidelity, but work to separate that from having been involved with a sociopath. You are not responsible for that truth.
best,
one step
Dear Tartan,
We are responsible for the consequences of the choices we make in life, and you are getting those, HOWEVER… you are NOT to “blame” for the things that HE DID, the falsehood he was. HE IS.
Now, accept you made a bad choice in having an affair. But you know what, you are not the only person on this blog who did something that they later regretted—WE ALL DID or we wouldn’t be here. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Learn to TRUST yourself again, trust yourself to MAKE BETTER DECISIONS FROM NOW ON.
See, now wasn’t that easy? 🙂 Seriously though, we’ve all done things we felt bad about, shame, guilt, etc. Once we are hooked (and it is easy to jump at that “love bomb” bait they hold out, because it makes us feel so special) but we will learn and grow and forgive ourselves and learn to trust ourselves and be GOOD to ourselves again.
I’m glad you are here, really…because I know this place will be the support you need to heal, to come to peace again. Keep on reading!!!!
Re ‘affairs’ and the Spath in general – Bit of VENTING! LOL
Before coming to LF and doing a lot of processing I was very angry with the woman who had the affair with my exN. I call her Target 4. She did know he had a long-term g/f and set out to ‘take him from me’. which she told me herself His motivations – well we all know what his motivations are -a fresher sources of Narc Supply and running away as the ‘mask of sanity’ was just about to slip off, as I was very close to uncovering the ‘full truth’ of him.
I had always been of the school of ‘you knew you were doing wrong’ with this woman and was as angry with her as with him initially.
Well later I found out she’d been in a 5 year DV relationship before meeting my b/f, and that she had drinking issues. She was a v.pretty and quite wealthy young woman – perfect target! She was also quite sweet and naive in some ways from speaking with her – seeing the best in everyone.
Of course, he absolutely broke her heart, he cheated on her at least 3 times, he lied constantly to her, he stole money from her. She had the grace to tell me all this later. it was such a comfort to know that actually I’d had a lucky escape and confirmed that he really was a Narc (I waffled over where he was or wasn’t a Narc for ages but am sure now).
I was with him 2 years and he never got any cash out of me (not for want of trying). I kicked his ass to the kerb as soon as I knew ‘for sure’ he’d cheated, even though it was devastating to me to be left for another younger, essentially prettier women despite all the love, support and good times I thought we’d had and his protestations of love, respect and devotion.
When I say I ‘kicked his ass to the kerb’ – I mean I decided not to ever, ever, ever consider being his friend or trusting him or being in a relationship with him again. He’s technically ‘left me’ – but as usual ‘leaving an open door’ to come back if it didn’t work out with Target 4. Grrr a**clown!!
Well now I’m with Oxy on affairs – we all make ‘bad choices’ – and I feel I try now not to judge one type of ‘bad choice’ over another as long as the person is sincerely able to start to see the bad choices have bad consequences and be someone who learns from their bad choices and to make up for those hurts, and who is able to feel empathy for anyone they’ve hurt and try to make it up by being a better more honest person with other and with themselves after.
I found it very hard to post supportively to persons who had been in an affair with their Spath in the early stages of my healing- but am now pleased to be able to be a little more compassionate and understanding.
I do still say someone who is prepared to have an ongoing affair is a big red flag of ‘tears at bedtime’. Much rather be with someone who ends one relationship before starting another and doesn’t fell they have to tell lies to get what they want out of life. I think this approach ‘just doesn’t work’ in the long run for anybody. Lies destroy trust and love full stop.
Maybe the whole question is about why we the ‘target of the Spath’ – (if there were such signs) were prepared to ‘settle’. I settled for my exN because I was a bit vain and valued his looks & the physical attraction over his character for one thing. Not nice to admit to myself. I settled because he was a bit younger and had a big social life that I enjoyed being involved in. I settled cos I was late 30’s and desperate to get pregnant and thought we could have good looking kids -even if we didn’t stay together. (OMG LUCKY ESCAPE for phantom child here WHAT WAS I THINKING!!)
I learned that I was being a bit lazy ‘cos -a) I needed to be more proactive of making my own friends and b) I needed to be less ‘narcissistic and vain myself’. I needed to accept my own physical flaws and not to ‘judge by looks’ quite so much. I also realised maybe it was selfish to want to have a kid with someone I knew in my heart wouldn’t make a great father, just cos of the old biological clock ticking LOUDLY.
I’m a much happier, more tolerant & better person for learning to face up to my own ‘flaws’ here.
6 months after my split with ExN – he contacted me (after relationship with Target 4 ended). He really went for the pity play. He told me that it had really been hard to end the relationship with me ‘his best friend’ that he really regretted ‘the way things turned out’ (note accepting absolutely no responsibility).
He went on to tell me lots of things about Target 4, that if they were true were a massive betrayal of her trust (medical problems, alleged MH problems).
He was ‘oh poor me – she hit me loads of times I still have a scar from where she hit me’.
Then he went on to tell me a sob story about losing his job because of working with her and ‘it had all gone wrong’. He asked me to lend him money! Honesty I have NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH when he asked me this- he was absolutely FURIOUS with me for laughing at him tho’ and quickly got really nasty.
Mutual friends say ExN reports that I am ‘crazy and obsessed with him’. I can feel that he is afraid of me cause I’m the only person in the world apart from his Narc mother who absolutely has him pegged and can spot every brand of b/s he tries to pull.
I have never approached mutual friends to explain ‘what he is’ – because it’s a battle I couldn’t win and it would indeed make me look crazy and obsessive- but he knows that I ‘could’ and he’s terrified of the truth about himself.
Ex N is scared that he’s totally lost control of me and despite all his putdowns of me when we were together he knows I’m no fool.
Even better though – I had a binge drinking problem when I was with him, no friends around me and no money -which kept me down. None of that applies anymore and again it really does scare him that I totally pulled myself out of the ‘sh*t’.
I think exN worries that I’m the Spath – cos I did ‘bSpath him’ after the devalue and discard. Although he denies doing anything wrong – he knows I’ve good cause to despise him. I also think that the fact that he grew up with an Narc (poss Spath) mother has primed him to be drawn to finding strong mother-figure types and trying to ‘conquer and control them’. His relationship with his mother is horrific to behold B-T-W.
What he doesn’t get is that, unlike himself who has a SET PATTERN of behaviour and never learns from his mistakes – I don’t go around doing things to previous b/f’s or to folks in general to hurt them deliberately. I don’t lie in relationships to get what I want, I don’t cheat, steal, and betray trusts. This is what he took advantage of when we were together.
I have an amicable if not very close relationships with former partners who generally speak well of me and we are happy to speak from ‘time to time’. Out of respect to new partners my former b/fs and I are careful not to tread on new partner’s toes and cross any lines that would upset the new partner. We wish each other well in our new relationships, we wish each other happiness truely.
However I am – perfectly prepared to defend myself from attack from an N S or P!
I don’t like him ‘being scared’ I don’t enjoy being part of his paranoid and f**ked up universe and the ‘projection figure’ for his self-hatred and crazy obsessed relationship between him and his mother.
Normal healthy people aren’t scared of me at all cos they’ve got notherin to hide! I’m really a softy pussy cat who loves to play and be gentle – unless you’re an abusive a**clown, then you will feel my big ol’ Mountain Lion claws! MEOOW, GRRRR! ROAAAR!
LOL
Delta 1
every time i get on here and see all these supportive comments i just cry – thank you thank you thank you – i have been judging myself for so long and it is overwhelming to me that everyone has been so understanding – i know i made a HUGE mistake and it went against everything i believed in – and i am working on forgiving myself – the reality of what i could have lost has smacked me in the face big time – but i also know that i totally fell for every single word he said to me and got caught up in the thrill and excitement of it all
i did something lastnight that was a big step for me – not only have i not contacted him by text or email i called my cell phone carrier and had his number blocked – i had threatened to do that many times but he always said something that convinced me not to – so i did it – and i felt very empowered and relieved – i even slept pretty well lastnight – the feeling that im going to throw up every second is still there but subsiding
but thank you again everyone!! im off to read 🙂
Good move Tartan – get yourself a treat today and good for you to be going as NC as you can. It will be v..v.v hard at first – over the coming weeks it will get alot easier – I promise.
Keep reading, keep reading – but also get as much rest and sleeping and ‘grounding’ as you can – walking, exercise, baths, stroking pets – just treat yourself as though you’ve been run over by a truck!
Blessings
Delta 1
i couldnt wait to post this – im very proud of myself – i went out to grab food for lunch and when i came back saw the man i was involved with (hes off in the summer) he walks here at work for “exercise” but probably visiting the new girl – anyway – i drove by him – i had no choice when i came around the corner – there he was – and i could tell he was looking directly at me – but as i passed him i turned my head the opposite way – did not make eye contact whatsoever – yay for me!
i have been reading alot today too – and i understand that sociopaths have no consicous – no remorse – no guilt – he made promises to my face all the time and broke every one of them – what i am not finding is why are they like that – am i missing something in what im reading – when i would ask him why he cant keep a promise – his answer was always i dont know – maybe im just reading too many different things – but that list of 10 signs youre dating a sociopath totally hit the nail on the head – like my jaw dropped – what the hell was i thinking getting involved with him in the first place
Tartan,
If it helps, I was also involved with a married sociopath, and I’ve been married for 24 years. He contacted me through facebook, and hooked me because it was someone I had met briefly when I was 15. I am now 44. He fully disclosed that he was married right from the first, and bragged that he also has been married for 22 years. So it started very innocently in that we were just catching up on “old times”, just harmless conversation. Emails turned into IM’ing at night and in the early mornings before work. Things started to get flirty, and he buttered me up one side and down the other, poured on the sugar and threw cherries on the top.
I fell easily as I was not secure in my marriage, felt ignored by my husband, was abused by my parents, and only recently had a huge falling out with a church we were a major part of for 17 years, with a narcissistic pastor – lost many friends. I knew I was doing wrong but at the time didn’t care. We met twice in a parking lot over the course of our 3 month “relationship”. Thankfully, we never had sex.
Several red flags were popping up, however, and I was having physical anxiety symptoms that could not continue to be hid. I ended up confessing to my husband, who was hurt but also understood why and was willing to change.
It’s been over a year now. S-path contacted me twice via FB on Mother’s Day (last year) and my birthday – at which point I blocked his profile, and haven’t heard from him since. I think he has not pursued because he knows I told my husband about him. He lives in the same town, and knows most of my in-laws (my husband has 5 brothers and sisters). His con requires that he maintain the mask of happy married family man, dealing with me could easily undo all that. Think he is having more fun playing with the high school girls he employs at his job.
He fit all the sociopathetic criteria to a T. But I still sometimes have confused feelings. Hooks go deep into wounded flesh. I broke the personal no-contact rule last week when I caught an opportunity to see his profile on FB. Mask is still intact and tight. I shouldn’t have gone there, set me back for a few days.
I mostly lurk here just to read and reinforce my front line…have to keep the truth in front of me at all times.
cutandrun –
wow – my story is almost exactly the same as yours – hes been married for 30 years – me 20 – hes 14 years older than me and is very well known in the community we share – he also maintains the mask of a happily married family man – dedicated to his wife and daughters – yeah right – i was also having problems in my marriage that got worse when i started the job i met him at – fell just as easily – i also knew it was wrong but like you – didnt care – and unfortunately we did have sex – alot of sex – more sex than i have probably had with my husband in the 25 years i have been with my husband
i am doing my very best with the no contact at this point – but we do work together in a school and one part of my job this year will to be to work directly with him – im trying to figure out how i can accomplish that without being face to face – but the good thing is i know i will never have to be alone in a room with him – there are way too many people around here for that to happen
i just feel such a sense of relief to have found this site and take advantage of all the information out there – and to be able to talk about what i have had to keep secret for years – i know its going to take a long time to heal and it will probably get worse before it gets better – but right now – today – i feel like im going to be ok
Dear Tartan,
I’m glad that you are starting to “see the light” and to work on forgiving yourself.
There’s not a one of us here who has NOT ever gone against his/her own moral compass and done things that we know are WRONG, so there is no difference in your wrong and my wrong, they are both WRONG! We are both HUMAN and both IMPERFECT, so that is all we need to know or believe in order to not feel superior to anyone else for anything they have done “wrong.”
The only differences in us and the psychopaths is that we can and do FEEL GUILT and SHAME and REMORSE and we do make an effort to do better in the future. The psychopaths can feel none of the emotions and they do not even try to do better in the future! BUT OH WHAT A DIFFERENCE those things make between us and them!
Keep on learning and growing and you WILL BE OKAY! God bless. (((Hugs))))