by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Aloha…thank you.
Somehow perfect timing…as everything always is.
After 4 months of my’ Prince Charming gone alarming’…I wrote a list of ‘pro’s and ‘con’s’ to see why is it exactly I’m still in this ‘crazy’ relationship. Your list is almost identical to mine. I had 33 things under cons’s. 3 pro’s …. 1)never felt so ‘connected’ 2)makes me laugh uncontrollably 3) sexual bliss 3 things I’d never experienced simultaeously or so intensely.
Somehow, those 3 silly things kept me in for 2 more freaken years (intermittently mind you) and still to this day I miss those 3 although I know they were only felt by me.
So, after all the ‘craziness’ of the past 2 years…I’ve learned that nothing…NOTHING… is worth sacrificing yourself, safety, sanity…especially if it’s only for those 3 things. It has just been so damn hard because those three things were so strong, so unlike anything else…it has felt like it couldn’t ever happen again. Perhaps it never will again…but I’d rather be able to sleep, eat, have friends, family, a job, freedom, independence, respect, dignity…the list goes on.
I know you know.
So…I haven’t heard from the idiot for a while…but tonight…phone rang…saw satan’s digits…so left the tape rolling.
So…Satan apparently is so sorry for everything and all his hurtful words/actions…and most of all is sorry for all his past threats to exploit me plus end my career. He wimpers…”I just get angry and want you to hurt like me, u need to feel what you do to me”….. “I don’t mean anything hurtful…I just love you so much it scares me so much to not be near you…I want so much happiness for you…you’re the only one that knows me’…etc etc etc.
THIS WAS TONIGHT!!!! that’s why your post is soooo perfect timing Aloha.
Lists are important and crucial to see what the hell are we sacrificing if we choose the shorter one.
We can’t let lonliness take that brutal bait.
It took me a while to stop overlooking the long list but the long list is who I am. That’s essentially what I’d be sacrificing if I feel prey to the 2 minute apology.
A 2 minute apology on the phone or text should NEVER sway us back into pandamonium….which it has sickly all it took historically for me to reconsider. Perhaps a 2 full page add in the newspaper could “maybe”start getting attention of sincerity but really….whose cash would they be using then?
NC….only road to freedom and ourselves….
aloha great post!!!I won’t post my list, but I will say this. If they feel like the man/woman of your dream’s that equals illusion. Best to stay on the side of reality. Best too stay alert and remember what we have learned the hard way. Illusion and fantasy, is more intense, be it good or bad, than any reality. Wiserandhealing I don’t know your your (story) but from your above post I can tell you have been to hell and back…thanks for the humour in your pain and wisdom [satan’s digit’s] i love it!!!
I really wish LF had some kind of ‘sound’ attachemnt click to attach to our posts cause my God would we ever hear the ‘Socio’ as clear as day in our stories. He/she would sound like the same person despite the tone of voice….and MAN…I’m sure a comic releif to some!!!
I WISH…you could hear the message on my machine tonight…CLASSIC.
i will be composing my own list which includes almost all of the list posted…even though this rel. has finally ended, I still get overpowering feelings to want to call when s*** hits the fan- the upheaval in my life emotionally when this ended in April, caused alot of my so called friends to disappear-they were scared at the intensity of my feelings-the betrayal and deceit-even though I wanted to get out of it for years. Now, I want to go to the person who is most familiar, which is totally the wrong thing to do. I’m still under the illusion (sometimes) that he can help and support me emotionally like he did in the “old days” . It was a “hook”. I feel alone alot. Sometimes thinking he will run back and be the person that I fell in love with- an illusion.
Britney…
I so know that feeling. As soon as any sh** even starts spewing, nevermind hitting fans, it so feels just ‘natural’ to want to be near that guy/gal that made us feel so safe/secure and close. Especially even more so if they are always so ‘available’.
You know what…I took my socio back so many times because of what you say too…I thought he was ‘the only one who really knew me and therefore could really support me’…but each time…so so short lived. (I’m talkin days..maybe)
Any problem I was actually having..well… his satanic carpet enveloped and now I was dealing with MUCH BIGGER PROBLEMS!
They’ll ALWAYS have a hook and will always be the person you need at the beginning….they always see what you need…they only need you to beleive for that first bite.
You are right…it truly is an illusion. And their qualities are, unfortunately like me, and a billion others, skillful prey for us to bite.
The aloneness feeling is tough. It’s so easy to go back sometimes but that honestly is when you need to look inside and say…what am I worth?
That’s when you have to come here and not be tempted by Satan’s illusion. It’s only that. You already know that. Been there and done it. Don’t let Satin fool you into thinking he will comfort.
LF will comfort. Beleive me. Come here. I usually don’t write much but my God the Garlic is here.
When weak, come here. I do…it works. NO MORE ILLUSIONS!
Hug to you Brit!!!!!
As a devotee and supporter for NC, I really can’t say enough about it and the many changes it bring to one’s life!
What has No Contact done for my children and I once we initiated NC?
No more emotional roller coaster rides!!!
No more all day and night (sometimes until dawn) fighting
No more lies and attempts to manipulate and control us.
No more hassling phone calls and the nervousness state of emotional unrest, never knowing when that “next phone call will come”!
No more unexpected visit and emotional bombshells.
No more demands concerning what property she wants.
No more uncertainty as to what is going to happen day by day.
No more of her and her dysfunctional life style.
For me NC is a life saver! For it has given us peace and a much brighter future..
Henry that is such an important insight. Fantasy is way more exciting and intense than any reality. That’s what makes the hook so seductive; that lovely fantasy.
My list for the last one:
Player
Secretly hates and envies women
Intense mood swings
Yo-yo effect: into me one day, not into me the next
Never knowing what to expect from him
Half-truths only, never the whole story
Magical thinking: “If I put on a wedding ring my commitment problems will magically disappear”
Boundary issues, inability to say no to anyone
“Man-whore” will do anything for a good feeling or a favor
Inability to commit
Words mean nothing
Won’t give up his “network”
Never gives any relationship a real whole-hearted try
Always looking for the path of least resistance
Not a good communicator
And most of all: That stupid lying look in his eyes
Kat – your list!!! describes my X – P – BPD – to a T (That stupid lying look in his eyes. Not only would it be great if we could compare the sound of them, I bet we would all be stunned if we could share picture’s of them. That empty cold souless deceitful mean look he had. They might be master’s at lying and decieving us but that sociopath face they can’t hide that, it just take’s time to figure out they are evil….
Good post and great lists…..
There are still those moments for me that I will wonder if she really was a socio… maybe I’m still angry and feel jilted and I’ve made this up in my head about her being a socio….to explain it all… to make me feel better about what and why……then my heart softens…. but…… all I have to do is come here and every single time my feelings and the TRUTH are validated…it is still the unescapable TRUTH….sigh…..two years now of NC…..and yet, it still hurts in my heart….but so much good has grown in me…. such a looooooooog process…..
I saw this today on Myspace….the post wasn’t directed at sociopaths, but you’ll see their calling card written all over this….. thought I’d share with all….more validation….as if we didn’t need anymore…..smiles….
Have a great day everyone!
~R~
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429
Emotional Abuse
What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching”, or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all this person’s needs.
Aggressing
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.
Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be “addicted to drama” since it creates excitement.
Denying
Denying a person’s emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, refusing to be affectionate and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.
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When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Dominating
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the “cold shoulder,” or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say “You are too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.
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Minimizing
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Unpredictable Responses
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others.Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth
hey y’all…
are p/s’s known to be perfectionists? i haven’t really read that, but mine had to be the BEST at everything … even to the point of cheating to win. is this common?