by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Hi OxDrover –
Thanks so much! Getting a new job isnt possible for me right now. I really have a good one and I love what I do. The fact that he is so much older than me sort of works in my favor as he will be close to retiring soon.
I have been reading Kathleen Hawks articles. I can only read them at work so I’m doing my best to stay on it. Theres just so much information out there. And alot of it makes my jaw drop at how perfectly it describes the situation and him for that matter.
I just keep saying to myself – how the hell did it take me this long to see this – to get so caught up in him – to see what he was really like – in fact i did tell him that hes a sociopath and that he should get on the internet and read what i have been reading cause it nails him to a tee – he didnt appreciate that comment either but i dont give a crap 🙂
Tartan;
I fully understand your desire to inflict some pain upon your x-spath. However, I don’t see how you can do so without violating NC.
An alternate approach to consider is the one I took. Before I was slapped to my senses and understood the full depths of the evil in that wolf in sheep’s clothing, I still maintained a level of protectiveness over him. Not surprising, because sociopaths often abuses the normal protector instincts male targets. Even after the fact I was still protecting that little poofer. For example, I was very careful here not to write anything that could be traced back to him. I even kept details vague enough that eve if he found what I wrote here, he could not be certain it was about him.
That changed when I came to my senses. I really did want to do something very public and even if he did not see it, others who might have interacted with him or who are still interacting with him might see. Thus, I considered posting a warning in one of the sites he frequently visited. In particular, one has a message board with discussions regarding HIV disclosure, online frauds and other vanilla dating topics. Nothing too specific, but something like this, maybe in the “fraud” topic:
“I met a trolley dolly based in the South East. Looked very young in the pictures, almost too young for his age (mid-30s), but I decided to meet him anyway. Sure enough, he very much looked his age in person, but there still was an attractiveness too him. I would describe him a bit rough around the edges, but he was nice to me at first, very charming, very flattering. He did have these little bursts of anger that left me wondering WTF, nevertheless intrigued.
We went on several dates. We had fun, but there was something odd about him and I began to feel he was hiding something. Needless to say our relationship did not last long, as one minute he seemed hot after me, the next minute he just wanted to be friends. I was a bit hurt, but later thankful when I saw a profile of his on another site. Did not recognize him at first, because he used another picture in which he looked very young, and the details were a bit different.
Something made me think to Google his two profile names and I was floored. Seems this lad is not as “reserved” as he was telling me. In fact, he is into some very hardcore stuff. I was shocked. After that, it was pretty easy to find profiles of him virtually everywhere. Sometimes 5’8″ and sometimes 5’9″. Sometimes smooth, other times hairy chest. Changes when he was born and his location. Clearly, he is a player trying to hide is tracks.
This guy’s still laddish exterior, quietness and desire for “a real relationship” fooled me. My gut instinct that he was hiding something did not. Thank god that I only sleep with him once, and that was totally, totally safe.”
Anyone who ever met him would recognize him from that post. However, I am not going to post it anywhere somebody knowing him, or even him, would see it. That would open me to looking for replies and would just drag out closure.
However, writing that here is very therapeutic. In fact one of the many advices to getting over somebody is to write a letter but do not send it. Posting such here has the added advantage of being public, yet anonymous.
Put it all out here. Good luck.
Also concentrate on you. The best revenge is a good life.
Blue eyes –
I should have clarified that the last time i spoke to him was last tuesday and the next day i blocked his number so those things i had said to him were during our last conversation
and your last line in your post – the best revenge is a good life – is very appropriate for me today – i used to be afraid to put pictures of my husband and my friends on my desk for fear that it would piss him off or id get the third degree – he always wanted to know every detail about my nights and weekends and who talked to me and who i saw and what they said to me – and when i would ask him the same questions (after all he knows every detail why shouldnt i right?) i never got the full story and his details were always very vaque but today – since i am still relishing in the fact that i had such a good weekend i put pictures all over my desk from it – so i want him to see that i am having a good life – i know i am nowhere near being healed from the damage he has done and i know i have a long way to go – but it gives me great pleasure to shove the fact that i am moving on up his ass and that im going to be ok
One thing to keep in mind that because we were “consumed” by a sociopathic predator, we naturally assume that they are happy.
While this may be true of some, it is not true of my x-spath. He was depressed when I met him and I can’t believe he is any happier today because they are fundamentally unfulfilled. That mine seeks and enjoys the most vile pornography legally imaginable, while saying he wants a loving, caring long-term relationship, reflects the emptiness of his soul.
Since our relationship ended somewhat up in the air and while he still wanted something from me, I think I must cross his mind, given that his Facebook profile picture was taken in my neighborhood and that at least monthly he comes to my city.
He does not know the extent of my troubles since meeting him, some related to him, others not. Therefore, being the jealous type, if he ever wonders about me, I think it might be from that perspective. He was jealous of my lifestyle and large Manhattan apartment. He knew I was going thru some troubles but then I was also optimistic. He knew me to be a fighter and he knew that my legal battle has a very large amount of money at stake.
He was also jealous of my “mojo.” He should see me now and part of me wishes I would run into him somewhere. But I will wait for that. I’d rather run into him in a year when his drinking, smoking and sexing lifestyle furthers his already obvious decline.
As for me, I am 100% recovered mentally and physically. I am going out again and each time I have met some new and interesting people. The one thing I have not done is fall for the trap of a quick hookup. I am turning down attractive guys he would hop into bed with…One thing to keep in mind that because we were “consumed” by a sociopathic predator, we naturally assume that they are happy.
While this may be true of some, it is not true of my x-spath. He was depressed when I met him and I can’t believe he is any happier today because they are fundamentally unfulfilled. That mine seeks and enjoys the most vile pornography legally imaginable, while saying he wants a loving, caring long-term relationship, reflects the emptiness of his soul.
Since our relationship ended somewhat up in the air and while he still wanted something from me, I think I must cross his mind, given that his Facebook profile picture was taken in my neighborhood and that at least monthly he comes to my city.
He does not know the extent of my troubles since meeting him, some related to him, others not. Therefore, being the jealous type, if he ever wonders about me, I think it might be from that perspective. He was jealous of my lifestyle and large Manhattan apartment. He knew I was going thru some troubles but then I was also optimistic. He knew me to be a fighter and he knew that my legal battle has a very large amount of money at stake.
He was also jealous of my “mojo.” He should see me now and part of me wishes I would run into him somewhere. But I will wait for that. I’d rather run into him in a year when his drinking, smoking and sexing lifestyle furthers his already obvious decline.
As for me, I am 100% recovered mentally and physically. I am going out again and each time I have met some new and interesting people. The one thing I have not done is fall for the trap of a quick hookup. I am turning down attractive guys he would hop into bed with…
Edit: This is your brain on PTSD. I meant to say Behind Blue Eyes: Instead I said OneStep… I’m leaving the mistake in there. I was getting ready to take the dog for a walk, and it just HIT ME!!! Is this normal???
Ooops, OneStep (Behind Blue Eyes), Your post cloned itself…
I love this: OneStep (Behind Blue Eyes): “He was also jealous of my “mojo.” He should see me now and part of me wishes I would run into him somewhere. But I will wait for that. I’d rather run into him in a year when his drinking, smoking and sexing lifestyle furthers his already obvious decline.”
I feel the same way. I want to become successful and since this is such a small town, it will inevitably appear in the little local once-a-week paper. That we are being FULFILLED by our efforts is satisfying, because I don’t think they can be fulfilled.
Luckily for me, even though I’m 51, most people think I am 35, and I am not abusing my body and brain the way he is… I’m predicting he’ll be on oxygen in the next 10 years or so, and that can’t be very fulfilling to think that this is what you did with your life.
So, yes it’s a tough row to hoe, but starting tomorrow morning, my pity-party is officially OVER, and I am getting to work on MY LIFE.
BTW OneStep (Behind Blue Eyes)- you certainly sound better today. That is very inspiring to me!
Tartan, I don’t see your original story but keep up the strong-willed thinking I am feeling here. It has to be tough to face your spath on a daily basis. I am lucky in that I only have to see mine once a week. And one of these days, he’s going to get run over by a freaking shopping cart.
SageeGirl –
I guess i never posted my entire story – just parts of it – i just found this website last week when i realized that the man i was involved with is a sociopath
i met him when i started a new job – he instantly began conversations with me – were both married and discussed our spouses and children and lives – it wasnt long before he started hitting on me and i liked it – he was very charming and smooth and said things that i hadnt heard before – i was already having trouble in my marriage because in my previous job i worked with all women – now my job was bigger and there were also men – men that paid attention to me and my husband knew it and hassled me all the time because he is a very jealous person
as my relationship with this man became closer we started texting and calling outside of work when we were able and then before i knew it we were meeting each other in dark places – he said he loved me first – i knew i had deep feelings for him but i was afraid to say i love you because i also knew what i was doing was completely wrong – eventually i said it but we didnt actually have sex until 9 months after our relationship started – but once we did everything intensified – he couldnt get enough of me and i couldnt get enough of him and our meetings then moved from the dark places in the car to an actual hotel
i didnt catch him lying to me until way into the relationship – but now i realize that he lied to me from the beginning – i was just too caught up in him to see it – i believed everything he said – but once i caught him in his first lie the red flags went up then he would explain it away and i believed him and the flags went down – he wanted to know every detail about my day – even though we work together he is in the classroom – im in the office – so he wanted to know what men talked to me and what they said and did i swear at them – and did they hit on me or did i hit on them – he started to become very possessive and i would call him on it then hed back off for a little – i just figured because he is 14 years older than me he was jealous of the younger guys
we would get into some pretty heated arguments because of how he treated me about these other guys – i was not interested in any of them – but then hed tell a dirty joke to a woman in front of me and im like wtf – i thought that was my payback for the other guys talking to me – even though i would never start the conversation with them it was always “my fault” they talked to me – but as passionately as we fought – it was just as passionate when we made up – he said all the right things and i bought every one of them
i had heard rumors about him and previous female employees but he denied them of course and i believed that too – didnt matter that different people were telling me the same thing – i believed him and his explanation of those women were after him but he wasnt interested – yeah right
more lies started creeping up – he would always explain it away or his explanations were vaque and then as far as he was concerned everything was ok in his mind and he would just change the subject and talk about something else – he would always do that – wed be in the middle of a discussion and he would just act like the conversation never happened -but it wasnt ok for me- i kept having questions that werent getting answered and id tell him that – i would ask him why he just cant be straight with me – why he was ignoring how i felt – that i would rather he just tell me the truth than figure things out on my own or find out from someone else – i was alwyas straight with him – no matter if i knew it would piss him off or not – i always told him everything – he always promised that he would do better and tell me from now on – but that never happened – i kept catching him in lie after lie and hed break promise after promise to my face – promises he made when i was standing in front of him bawling my eyes out – i tried to end it god i dont even know how many times but he would always try to turn things on me and lay guilt trips on me by saying things like im glad youre good without me – or hes no good – things that would make me feel bad and i would go running back – he professed his undying love for me and that we would be married once our kids were out of the house and i truly believed that would happen
he was very persistant in pursuing me especially in the last few months – but i was catching him in lies pretty much on a daily basis – he even said to me that i “made” him lie to me – i thought that was a good one – because he was afraid to tell me the truth it was my fault he had to lie – pathetic
so now he is pursuing a new girl in the building connected to ours – when i saw him here walking the other day i knew exactly what he was doing because he did the exact same thing with me – hes so predictable – when we would get in our arguments he would contact the other woman he was rumored to have an affair with – i knew that because she would tell me – he even contacted her when i went home sick one day – nice huh
but as hard as all of this is – and as hard as it was seeing him the other day and knowing what he is saying to her and how he is pursuing her – im so ready to be done with this – im starting to accept that yes i made mistakes – huge mistakes – but im also starting to accept that i became his victim and that i was nothing more than his conquest – and once i stopped giving him what he was using me for – he very quickly went on to the next one – i know i had a bad day the other day and i know there will be more to come – but im continuing to read all the information i can so that when that day comes that i will have to see him on a daily basis that i will be much stronger than i am today
Tartan, Yes, you certainly did get targeted. And used. And abused. I’m sorry this happened to you. But welcome here with the rest of us who have been there and done that.
You have been hurt and will go through lots of ups and downs. Your guy sounds a lot like mine. He pursued me for over 3.5 years. Started with a look. Then a nod. Then a smile. Then, “Hello.” Then, “How are you?” Then, “Hello Beautiful.” Then he’d walk by while saying that and brush against my arm. Then my shoulder. Then he’d put his hand on my shoulder. Then my back. Then my waist. It was all so “friendly” and “subtle.” And I was so lonely and vulnerable. The perfect target! Just like you.
From what his co-worker told me there is a whole list of girls that he has been pursuing. It makes me sick. At least I don’t have to see it. You do, but you know the game he is playing- and you still have your life with your husband, so try to focus on making that right. Is that what you want- to make your marriage work? I really feel for you and your situation.
Yes, read all you can and please keep us posted. Stay strong.
SageeGirl –
I do have my life with my husband and i am focusing on that -granted my marriage wasnt perfect before i met that man and i still have issues with my husband that i am working on – but being with this guy convinced me that my marriage was worse than it actually was – i have such a great family and friends and i could have very easily lost it all in the blink of an eye – and for what – a egotistical self centered sociopath – and i am NOT having that – today is a good day!! 🙂
Tartan, I’m so glad that this is a good day for you! Keep working on yourself! I wish that I had not divorced my husband. He was (as I am finding out from all my reading here) a Narcissist, and I felt that my life was nothing. I had lost me. It was devastating, to say the least, and now 6 years later, I wish that I could have just worked out the problems that we had, instead of thinking that I would be better off alone.
I am sooo lonely, not in a healthy relationship, and keep thinking that I would rather be in an unhappy marriage than totally alone. I am not desperate like I was for companionship, but I do miss the life we had together. It was good, but I just never knew that if I just tried to work things out, instead of tossing out, we could have done it. We are still friends, and I actually spend Christmas with him. It’s very comforting. Sad too, but at least we care about each other.
Oh well. Life goes on and we have no choice but to go on with it. Keep up the good thoughts!
SageeGirl –
Im so sorry you feel lonely. And I’m sorry you are regretting your decision of divorce. Sounds like you are beating yourself up with all the what ifs – what leads you to think that if you had stayed you could have worked out your problems? Its easy to think that you may have been able to because youre not in the day to day life with him anymore. And what do you miss about your life if you felt like it was nothing?
I just saw the guy i was involved with again – im minding my own business working and he came in here to make copies – something he could have very easily done elsewhere – but i am so proud of myself – i never made eye contact – i was totally shaking and nervous – but never even acknowledged that he was in the room – in fact i walked out to another part of the area i have been working in to do just that – continue working – but i could see him nebbing around my desk – i hope he enjoyed looking at all my pictures from my great weekend – what a piece of crap!
Hang in there!