by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Hi Ox –
Sorry i havent replied for awhile – i have been so busy at work – and just trying to read articles when i find the time – but i have been working on my marriage – i have a whole new outlook on it and have been enjoying time with my husband – i mean we have issues and its not going to be perfect but i think i am in a better frame of mind when it comes to him
and i thought i was doing really good with not seeing or talking to my ex – last time i had contact with him was last wednesday when he emailed me and remember i took that last shot – well since then i hadnt heard from him – that is until just this morning – he freaking called me at work where i have no choice but to answer the phone – and hes like well i just wanted to see how youre doing since you blocked me – and i still love you and always will and i still care for you – blah blah blah – i barely said anything exept telling him i dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth then i hung up on him – i was totally caught off guard by his call – and not sure i handled it right
i know im not feeling as angry – i can feel that subsiding – last week i was totally furious after that email but now after the phone call im not feeling that level of anger – i think im shocked he actually called – but i also i think im understanding everything that happened better and maybe im starting to accept it
Dear Tartan,
Him calling you “after you blocked me” shows that he KNOWS you set a boundary and the call showed you he will NOT RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. He made sure you understood that YOU could not control how or when he contacted you!
That’s the thing, CONTROL! C*O*N*T*R*O*L–he is going to exercise that if you allow him. Of course he will lure you back into his web if you let him, or he will punish you if you don’t.
The UNEXPECTED showing up (calling, texting, etc) is I think the MOST shattering to our peace. My X-BF-P showed up at a weekly auction I frequent near my home (He lives 4 hours away) unexpectedly one evening, just marching and smiling and saying “Hello, lady” as if nothing had happened. One of the other bloggers here, her husband will come to a ball game of their daughter’s and force her to sit by him, though now she is refusing to allow him to “force” her in public. So she would sit in her car in the parking lot then he started to follow her there. Pushing the boundaries.
Your X is doing the same thing….pushing….the boundaries.
Now that you are aware of his intentions, though it may still be somewhat of a “shock” if he calls you at work where you must answer the phone, I would suggest that you not say a word & when you realize it is him, just hang up. ANYthing you say is attention to him, and that is what he wants. (Positive or negative, doesn’t matter)
He is in effect STALKING you….so keep a record of times and numbers he calls from if you can get that from a caller ID at work. Just hang on and one foot before the other….you are making progress@.......! (((Hugs)))
Dear Ox –
He never did respect my boundaries – everytime i would tell him to leave me alone or not contact me he always did – it hasnt gone past a week without him contacting me in some way so maybe i should not have been shocked – but he would always do the same thing yours did – act like nothing has happened and id be like are you kidding me????
we dont have caller id at work but i know hes calling from his cell – thats what he always did or the only way he could was to call from that
but i do feel like im making progress – i really do – i also think it helps that i have been so busy lately and that will not slow down in the coming weeks either – but i also know that working with him daily is approaching too – this site has helped me so much and im so grateful for all of your advice 🙂
Dear Tartan,
You are right, they don’t ever respect our boundaries, but especially after we discard them, or set some solid “leave me alone” boundaries.
Working with him is I am sure going to be difficult. He will use that as a way to cross your boundaries, and frankly, not to “look for trouble” but I also see “emotional black mail” coming as well, so be prepared for him to get NASTY if you enforce boundaries and I think sooner or later you will have to.
I know you are in a very difficult situation at work, but I also know that you have incredible amounts of strength that you yourself are not even aware of. It is amazing what we can do when they try to back us into a corner.
Whatever happens though, “don’t ever let him see you bleed” so keep your exterior COOL no matter how you feel inside! You can DO IT!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!
Hi Oxy. Thank you for your reassurances yesterday, and the warm greeting.
I meant to get back to you, but got sidetracked with my GC, and stayed busy most of the day.
I’m doing okay, but no matter where I go, there I am. LOL.
I have made progress, though. About a month ago, a mutual friend of the spath and I had a stroke, and decided to move in with a friend of his, because he didn’t feel comfortable being alone anymore. Well, he abandoned his adorable little black kitty-kitty, and my daughter and I went and got it and brought it home, although we were determined to find it another home as we already have three cats.
So this adorable kitty who is sooo sweet and affectionate to people, wanted to eat our other cats alive.
X spaths brother lives on the same block as my friend with the cat, and he is a pet lover, and I thought maybe he would be willing to put food out for kitty, and let him stay in his familiar surroundings….well, long story short, he abruptly says, ” Spath’s here and wants to talk to you, and before I could stammer, “ah No”, I here spaths glibb voice in my ear, jabbering on about howdey stranger, blah blah blah…
He asked where I lived, gave him the name of the town and changed the subject…told him I was good, and staying out of trouble, then he asked me, if he gave me his phone number would I call him?” I answered, “that is a REALLY bad idea, and immediately his voice went cold as Ice. We said our good-byes.
Now, while I didn’t seek out contact with him, and would never recommend it to others, this exchange was very cathartic. It will be three years next month since I’ve had anything to do with him.
It was so good to say No with no emotion…no anger, no wistful yearning, no sadness…just NO.
So so good.
I’m reading some Jungian literature that deals with the concept of the “shadow”, are you familiar? It’s really enlightening…so I’m in the process of getting to know mine.
Sorry to here about your cold snap, there in Ark. I hate the humidity here in Fla, but in a few months I’ll be complaining about the cold.
Thanks, again Oxy.
hiya Tartan
Don’t want to be a prophet of doom, but I agree with Oxy once your ex Spath realises your serious about no contact and that he’s lost control of you, he could seriously try to get revenge. Sounds to me like he just thinks your a bit ‘cross’ and he’s going to be able to win you round, hence still playing Mr Nice Guy (ish).
At worst he could perhaps tell your husband about the affair or tripping you up at work , making you deliberately look bad or setting you up to fail whatever project you’re about to be involved in.
So I would start to calmly marshall your inner resources and think ‘if the worst came to the worst’ what would I do – how would I get out of it?
That way you might have a bit of a ‘headstart’ if he does ‘go for’ your relationship with your husband or your standing at work.
He may have ‘too much to lose’ himself by immediately causing you trouble – but never underestimate the depths of narcissistic rage that can come over these disordered persons!
I would keep NC, conduct myself with as much dignity as I could muster and not let myself be in a position at work where my anger and feelings would show in front of other who you need to have good working relationships.
I would bone up on some employment law and if I wasn’t in a union – join one if it exists in your workplace.
Start logs of any and all calls to you and especially document that you have asked him not to contact you anymore in case you ever need this in an employment tribunal or something.
I’d also start putting out feelings around finding another job now – jumping before possibly being pushed esstentially – anyways something better might be just around the corner! I like to know what my options are so that I don’t feel ‘trapped’ in a situation personally.
I’m thinking you work in an educational environment from your previous posts – and being considered ‘of good character’ is important in education as in social work I would assume – depending on the position you’re in.
Don’t ever use swear words or make threats to him in or out of work – where there are witnesses or where he could record you – that can count as ‘gross misconduct’ pretty darn quick in many workplaces.
Let my paranoia protect you luvly – but try not to worry too much!
Hope you’re doing okay.
Blessings
Delta 1
Dear Kimmie,
WOW! I bet that was a kick in the teeth.
Hope you can find a home for the kitty! I lost my working Border Collie less than a week ago and am devastated but have decided not to replace him though a friend of mine who is having pups soon that are closely related offered me pick of the litter. Just not fair to the dogs for them not to have a “job” and I don’t have enough small stock any more to give a dog a job, and also just don’t need another responsibility. My other 2 dogs and 1 cat inside and 2 outside (working barn cats) is more than enough for me.
Glad you were able to just say NO! That is a complete sentence, you know. LOL
Hang on and keep on the healing path. Glad you didn’t let this one knock you off. I am familiar with Jungian slant. I can buy some of it, but some of it is like Freud I think, out lived its time. Can’t buy it all whole. Too scientific-minded I think to accept Jung entirely, but I have a friend who is Jungian therapist.
Dear Delta & Tartan,
You mirrored my thoughts exactly Delta and I had typed the same thing, but before I posted it and went back and was “less paranoid” but really you are right, you can’t underestimate the depths to which they will sink in order to get REVENGE.
It is amazing what lengths they will go to get you back or your family or anyone that they can hurt you through hurting that person. Destroying relationships and increasing pain to the max is just down their alley, and if they can get your job at the same time, even better! Push your buttons until you crack.l
Tartan I don’t want to be a prophet of doom either, but FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED, and so Watch your back.
We also have a saying here about psychopaths and the SMEAR campaign that they will use to harm you. Believe me I have been the victim of that several times by several different Ps in not only family situations but jobs as well, and many times they do it BEFORE you are aware it is happening and then it is difficult to counter or fight it. So just keep your ear to the ground.
Hang tough Tartan and be vigilant but not HYPER vigilant. I.e. don’t live in TERROR but be cautious. (((Hugs)))
Oxy, so sorry to hear about your beloved dog. It’s always so hard to lose apet, they are like family, and you miss them so much. He’ll be with you in spirit though, I’m sure.
I haveto agree with your opinionof Freud, but I kind oflike Jung. I’m not getting into the real heavy reading, just the idea of the shadow personality.
Do you remember my post about my 5 year old GD, and how she knew how to push my buttons….well, she’s mylittle shadow, I think, and now we are getting along much better.
LOL.
Deaar Kim,
Thank you sweetie, I am doing better about the loss of Boss, but today I noticed his kennel mate who is a Black Mouthed Curr named Stella who is like a Mexican Jumping been on a trampoline, She can jump flat footed 4-5 feet straight up in the air and stay level (no lie!) and she is hyper-active to the max. I realized I hadn’t heard her bark except when the horses got into the yard and went over by her kennel. She is grieving for Boss and I lost it, but more for her than for myself.
She was a dumped dog from the side of the road and we took her in the summer of the chaos, and so she has been with boss since she was 8-10 weeks old, every day of her life, side by side (fence between them though).
Dogs and wolves attach to their “pack” between 12-16 weeks the strongest bonds, and my Great Pyrenees “Alex” when my husband died (and he never fed her, but did pet her when he came and went) and she knew we were grieved and she grieved as well, she moped for a month. They ALWAYS look SAD and mopey, but she really got sad sad and moved in slow motion.
Yea, critters are family, and we’ve all had more than our share of losses of all kinds so any loss effects us more I think, but I’m actually not doing as badly as I figured I would, so I guess I’m getting some reserve back finally.
I realize really that with all lthe various chaos since the plane crash 6 yrs ago, and not having ANY LASTING peace until a couple of years ago it started to get better, and except for my melt down in January over son C I have actually had pretty good peace and harmony here. Can’t complain at all.
I watched the news tonight though, and boy with the floods, earthquakes and fires all over the world, and famine and civil wars in other areas, I guess really we are in a small island of an area (compared to the rest of the world) of plenty and peace. So over all I think we should COUNT OUR BLESSINGS AND PRAISE GOD! ((((hUGS)))))