by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Oxy and Skylar, Has either of you seen the movie? They have it at my Library, and I thought about checking it out.
Kim, what movie do you mean? the millenium movies?
yes, I read the first 2 books and then watched the 2 movies. Redbox.com carries them. You can search online for the kiosk that has them in stock and then rent them for $1.00. Just return by 9PM the next day.
Great movies but the books are better, more details, and the point about men who hate women is better made.
On the other hand, I picked up more cues about government control of populations from the movies.
It’s all about spaths and how they operate all around us with impunity. It takes a superwoman like lisbeth salander to put them in there place!
hi kimmie – not as sick, not as crazy, and i keep having to hitch up my big girl panties and deal with difficult situations and people at work, so am growing, albeit painfully. my ptsd, however, is FULL ON some days…my stress-o-meter goes from 20 to 200 REAL FAST. The neurofeedback is helping, but i am still crazed somedays – usually in meetings when 6 people are asking me questions – i look like an incompetent loon on these occasions. usually takes me hours to calm down. job is big, and possible impossible. mondo stress. but, i am still fucking employed!
Dear One,
You know you keep saying “I look like an incompetent loon”—but has it occurred to you that MAYBE YOUR SELF ASSESSMENT IS Wrong? JUST WRONG? Maybe you THINK or FEEL like you look like an incompetent loon, but they obviously have not thought that or they would have fire you a long time ago.
SO, maybe YOU are not the best person to assess your own competence. Maybe you are doing better than you are giving yourself credit for.
I know that I did some outstanding jobs, but because it wasn’t “perfect” (in my opinion) I kept cutting it down in my own head. So LIGHTEN UP ON THE ONE STEPPER’S JOB, OKAY? I’m frankly tired of hearing you knock yourself on how you “look”–when they FIRE YOU, then you can knock yourself! Until then, lighten up! LOL ((((hugs)))
lisander isn’t a superwoman, she’s a fantasy character. i say this with some bitterness, as i thought that i would be such a warrior -and i have an alter ego that is very much like her – but i can’t exercise her in society. the spath would be dead now if i could.
i haven’t read the books – i can’t read/ watch spathy these days – i saw the 1st movie – all the rotten spathic violence made me jerk my head away and recoil – everyone else in the audience getting a vicarious thrill by being fake scared -’cause they had not effing idea what they were REALLY watching.
THE absolutely scariest movie (pre spath) i have ever seen was Blue Velvet – the confluence of middle class suburbia and a violent underworld reminded me very much of another harrowing experience in my life. i knew a very violent ‘enforcer’ when i was 18. I had to leave town to get hide when this guy came out of prison on pass. From inside prison he sent police officers to my door to tell me that perhaps i wanted to be move out. I didn’t know my roommate was dealing drugs – and keeping them in the apt. – BUT HE DID! Think about that for a moment. He was in a federal prison, he had enough contacts with the police to know that my apt was under surveillance. I tried very hard to disappear, but i had to leave town. He figured prominently is a infamous murder here in the 70’s. Book written with him in it, etc. After the spath, i thought I’d google him – over 30 years and he is still getting in trouble. he was kicked out of the country, and snuck back in. Seems he is into heists these days; he must be 70 ish now – guess he is a bit past his prime as an ‘enforcer’.
he thought i was a sweet piece of you know what, and had women scoping me out – that’s how i met him – feel in love with one of the women – if you are reading lostnconfused: we’ve all been there! (mind you this woman was only 15 years older than me.) anyhoo – dealing with him and his ‘groomers’ and ducking and weaving around his passes really felt like the reality in Blue Velvet. That movie traumatized me. isabella rosselini’s vulnerability twinned with dennis, freaking crazy hopper, was toooooo much for one step.
i like my violence cartoonish, and my heroes realistic.
oxy – YOU are not in those meetings when I lose it. i know EXACTLY when i look like a loon. And believe me they have had grave concerns at times.
I usually have a very good sense of myself as competent – but i am loony at times now oxy – sorry to rain on your boink parade.
there ARE times when I am not sure of how i come off, and tend to the negative in my thinking right now, as i often can’t figure this stuff out. BUT THERE ARE DEF LOOOOONY TIMES. it’s hard to take. but believe me, I KNOW.
Dear One,
Okay, I give up…you are crazy, you are loony! There, that make you feel better! LOL ROTFLMAO (((hugs))))
yes, thank you! 🙂
Oh, EB and One,
I got a letter from my prison pen pal today saying he had gotten my first two cards from OZ and was so glad to know I was enjoying myself and thought of him! LOL hee hee He is still PRAYING FOR ME and studying his Bible and so grateful that I am such a POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON HIM.
Dallas exonerated another one by DNA the other day, I think this is nearly 30 they’ve had to let go,, even off death row by DNA showing they were innocent. This latest guy was in for 30 years on a rape charge with “EYE WITNESS” identification that was WRONG. Like 75% of them that have been released as INNOCENT have been wrong eye witness testimony that has put them away. Eye witness testimony is so poor in so many cases.
My pen pal is being represented by the Innocence Project and his DNA has been tested 6 months ago but it takes a long time to wind its way through the courts even if the DNA does prove him innocent. The West Memphis Three are getting a hearing on their DNA evidence for their case—I think they are innocent.
My Pen pal may be innocent of the crime he is in for, but I am not going to think for one moment that he is not a “spy” for my P son—will be interesting to see if the egg donor finds out about my “travels,” won’t it? I’ll have to give it a few months for the information to filter back to her and for my cousin to visit her and her say something to him. He actually isn’t seeing very much of her, I think he’s pretty well tired of the whole situation so it may take a while for him to visit her, but I think the”trip to Oz” will be enough “news” that she will mention it to him if she gets the word from P son.
I am taking a trip to visit my GF in Texas this weekend, taking the train down which is a new travel experience for me as I haven’t ridden the train since an excursion when I was a kid. Flying is too much of a hassle and I’m not interested in being irradiated and not gonna get groped. I told my son D I would act like I was having an orgasm if I had to be grope-checked, he said “you would too, and they would laugh about it for two weeks” But I think the train will be fun, at least different and I don’t have to be groped or pay extra for my luggage or check it either. It leaves in the wee hours of the morning though, but at least not much traffic that time of day.
One step,
I know what you mean. Right after I left the spath, while my heart was still racing, I went to see the latest star trek movie and could barely stand the stress! listening to music seems to help me.
Last week you were talking about another road to acceptance that didn’t involve forgiveness. Today I came up with something, but didn’t write it down. I’ll try to remember it and post it later. It seemed really good at the time…
Oh wait, yeah, it had to do with humility. That’s right. With humility, you can accept that the world does not revolve around you (that’s why spaths can’t ever feel humility), and therefore what happened to you is no longer experienced as a narcissistic injury. It is no longer a matter of forgiving, but simply just accepting. Sort of like when someone dies and we make it all about how we feel so much grief and WE are suffering over the death. And we go into denial and anger but then we come to accept the death, because it is no longer something that happened to us, it is just something that happened. Death happens all the time and people grieve it all the time. Well…spaths happen all the time too. Obviously we know that because of how many people are here on LF. We don’t really know why spaths happen. We know it can be genetic, which can’t be controlled but we also know that it is slimed from one generation to the next and we know that bad choices are involved. But we still don’t understand it any better than we understand weather phenomena. We do know to hide when we see a twister coming – right? We do know some ways to protect ourselves from diseases, too.
When we finally stop taking it personally and just see it as part of a terrible disease that the human race has contracted, maybe that is acceptance without forgiveness.
what do you think?