by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
akitameg
Why can’t I just think,
“Wow. Something must be wrong with that man. I have no baggage, kids, diseases, I take care of myself financially. I am pretty and talented and as my boss says– “the girl who makes everyone smile.”
I get paid to sing and to do Michael Jackson/Madonna/Shania Twain imitations? Can everyone do that?
WHY AM I BLAMING MYSELF for not being good enough???
and I can’t even talk to him for closure. NOthing worse than abandonment and no closure.
nothing.
akitameg
He even suggested we go to this bible church together here!!!!!
Who does that if they are not sincere?
I feel sick. Have diarrhea now and feel adrenaline racing thru my veins.
—
I will put on my Michael Jackson now and clean and sing.
Please folks– help me not go under. Or– am I supposed to just go under and never come back out?
How can I say that? I have 99 years olds at work who LOVE ME TO DEATH. And let me tell you– 99 yr olds tell it like it is. They do not care about kissing anyone’s butt and they are good judges of character.They tell it like it is. If they do not like you- they just tell you.
Maybe I should have brought some of my residents with me on dates?
CAmom
akitameg—in my experience one abandonment or perceived abandonment often triggers prior abandonments, which I think is a big part of what’s happening with you right now. If this guy were really so wonderful he wouldn’t behave this way, Akitameg, he just wouldn’t. No decent person would do this. If he did it to you, then yes, I think he would do this to anyone and no doubt has done this many, many times and will continue to do so. I don’t know the story with this guy, unless he’s the unscrupulous contracter? Whoever he is, he isn’t worth this. The real work, seems to me, is resolving abandonment issues, and you have many reasons to be triggered right now, your history with bio dad, etc.
I dated a guy who would pull a disappearing act every now and then, which triggered all of my abandonment issues. I thought it was just me, there was something wrong with me–turns out he had done this in all past relationships. But I didn’t know that, it played into all my insecurities. I finally had enough and broke it off.
This guy isn’t worth all of this angst. You are worth far more than this.
aussiegirl
Akitameg –
“I thought…that Brain was the one. I have never felt like that in my life and I don’t even care about guys or dating anymore. I have not laughed that hard …He was so sweet to me.and he vanished in a second….I had not done anything to push him away. ”
Was this not the guy you thought was too good to be true and you googled him and discovered he had defrauded people with his building contracts? You were planning to say to him, by way of “goodbye” when you saw him, something like, “Thank God for google. Not interested. Happy New year.” Or am I getting you confused with someone else here? Didn’t I look up a link that you posted here (on another thread) that screamed that he was BAD NEWS???? I think I am right about this Akitameg.
He left a couple of messages for you to call him but you did not, you came here and asked for advice; you got a whole heap of advice and before you could execute your exit, he left a message along the lines of, “Thanks for not returning my calls. I get it. Leaving for Mass.”????? And then we all told you how lucky it had turned out because now you would not have to face him and tell him no contact, because he had worked it out himself?
Tell me that this is what happened and that I remember this correctly?
akitameg
Oxy– where are you?
and those two other wonderful blog people that helped me last week–
?
akitameg
Masada– thank you!!! Means so much.
Aussie–
after I said goodbye to him–and you are right about the story–
well the next day he begged me to meet with his dad and bro– both of who are successful here- a doc and a lawyer.
I went and they showed me exactly what was up with the google/contractor stuff. It was no so much Brian- as his company and they showed me how many times the average contracting business gets sued each yr. Kind of like docs with malpractice.
they told me– B seemed to really care for me and he had asked them to show me the truth of things and I could take it from there.
So I went out with him twice more– and thought it was legit. He even offered to give me his ex girlfriend’s phone number and his sister’s.
why would he bother? and now to not call. he even left me his coat to wear and the key to his condo– which I would never use– but he said to hang there anytime if I needed alone time as I have a roommate.
wtf?
akitameg
it is supposed to say up there–
“It was not so much Brian himself, but his company which is under his name.”
soimnotthecrazee1
akita,
I’m dissappointed in you after all you discovered about this man and was going to get rid of him. WTF are you doing. thinking and feeling? Conman contractor!!! You posted it yourself. Get a grip woman!!
Soimnotthecrazee1!
soimnotthecrazee1
akita,
I smell a rat!!! His name has been dug through the dirt and he can’t be innocent!!
soimnotthecrazee1
akita,
with all that you have to offer… you need to keep moving on and find somebody that doesn’t need validation from “daddy” for you to feel secure!