by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Akita Meg,
unless you were getting to know him slowly in a legitimate social context, something is OFF.
What works is what is socially correct and anything ut of the ordinary is unusual.
The first clue that something is wrong is the reaction you are having to the whole thing.
If something/anything made me that anxious, then I would RUN not walk.
I would say “Wow” I;m contorted by what is happening. Wouldn’t I rather be in a place or a relationship that doesn’t feel like this? Why does there need to be a campaign to convince me about him? This doesn’t feel right”.
Once you get to that place, there is no turning back. It just didn’t work out.
Next!
thank you silvermoon.
“unusual”–
perfect work for someone being totally into you–
and then not calling or texting or emailing.
off to this thing today. dreading it.
Dear Akitameg,
First off I am sorry you are going through this stress, but what does THIS AMOUNT OF STRESS SAY ABOUT 1) THE SITUATION AND 2) YOUR READINESS FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP?
I think the fact that you have the “two step” from stress shows that you have some ISSUES ABOUT YOU that you need to resolve BEFORE you even entertain the idea of a new relationship. I “hear” in your posts all the “logical” things about what a great catch you are (and I believe you!!!) but I DO NOT HEAR that you **emotionally** believe those things.
I remember your story about your sperm donor (I won’t call him “father” because he doesn’t deserve that name) and that was horrible of him now that you have reminded me about it, and I can definitely see where you would have had abandonment issues to work through. The thing about those is, until you have those resolved somewhat HOW CAN YOU HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY HEALTHY MAN? You are going to be paranoid, or to depend on someone else to meet your NEEDS. We must depend on OURSELVES TO MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY. No one can guarentee that they will be our happiness forever. I loVed my husband and trusted him and he was a good man who loved me but he DIED SUDDENLY. With his death, I was bereft of my support, my happiness and opened myself up to the “love song” of a psychopathic cheating abuser who was looking for a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. I had to resolve my OWN ISSUES before I could be in a healthy relationship, I had to BE HAPPY with myself, to trust myself, to love myself, and enjoy my own company before I could have been safe to have a new relationship of a HEALTHY ME with a HEALTHY HIM….so far, I have NOT found a healthy him, and I sure don’t want someone who is NOT HEALTHY.
AkitaMeg, darling, I suggest that you get some counseling about your issues, I think there is more going on there than can be taken care of by lovefraud (though we will be here to support you) or any on-line support system. I think you DESERVE some closure to this thing with your sperm donor and your abandonment issues. Anorexia is a SERIOUS condition, not just about eating, but about control of self and our world, so since you have that issue going on too, I suggest that you do need to get some professional counseling and address these issues.
You know in your heart that you were not “defective” and that your adoptive parents took you in because they wanted you, so I am hoping that you had a good life with them, but it is also possible that there were issues there as well. Keep in mind too, that for your biological DNA donor to behave this way, he was NOT a nice person for sure, sounds a lot like my psychopathic sperm donor and so I can relate a bit.
As for this guy being “normal” or there being RED FLAGS, if you found signs of fraud on the Internet about this guy, and had decided he might not be one that you wanted to continue a relationship with, I would definitely HONOR THOSE, BUT….***BUT**** even if he were 100% nice, honest and so on, I do NOT think YOU ARE READY FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP YET. With him being “iffy” in the honesty department, I think you need to pass on this entire deal. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you.
((((((((((((( akita ))))))))))))))))))
I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain 🙁
I agree with Oxy though.
Just some thoughts, basically reiterated:
1. You’ve just been dating this guy for three weeks and believe he’s the love of your life? You were going to be with him forever? Can you say LOVE BOMB, can you say FANTASYLAND?
2. I think with the relatives, that was love bomb BY PROXY!!! He’s so slimy, has your number, that hey, it was no problem to use the fam to boost HIS motives. Another thought came to mind about this. If he knows that YOU believe he’s a con with regards to his business, SURELY he doesn’t want THAT to get around via word of mouth, whether internet or elsewhere. TOTALLY SELF INVESTED a little CYA doesn’t hurt,right? That’s what I believe he’s doing.
3. This guy is waving his red flags all over the place. He has already honed into your extreme fear of abandonment, so he’s now already started the mind games in this disappearing act with you. Trying to control you. DON”T LET HIM DO IT!
4. This is so concerning to me, I really want to share. Akita, you keep telling us how great you are. LIke you’re trying to CONVINCE us that you are. If you felt genuinely good about your great qualities (which you have) you wouldn’t HAVE to reiterate it over and over TO US…I don’t think there is one person on this site who doesn’t have some incredible qualities, something I think it’s safe to say that all our Spath’s keyed into. But if YOU don’t believe it, which is clear to me that you don’t, you’re going to EASILY look outside yourself for validation. Sweetheart, this man is preying on that desperate desire of your heart. That’s what they do. in reality, genuine real love takes a long time to build. Not in three weeks. This is also screaming to your abandonment issues. I think it has LITTLE to do with this man, but more a desperate appeal from that little girl inside who wants to be loved and recognized for all the wonderful she is but never was. That has to come from within YOU. If you keep looking for that validation outside, that thirst will NEVER be quenched. NO ONE can do that for you BUT YOU.
I think Oxy’s suggestion for therapy is essential if not critical right now, given your anorexia issues as well. NO SPATH is worth dying over. This is less about him than it is about YOU and the pain you’re in over your abandonments in your life. I understand how painful it is. We could tell you how wonderful you are till your blue in the face, but unless you believe it, whatever we say will go in one ear and out the other.
I think the desperation of looking outside yourself for validation puts you in a really dangerous situation with this man right now. I fear what will happen when he shows back up. I understand that feeling of desperation for HIM to give you the answers you seek of yourself, to validate you, but that’s not HIS motive AT ALL.
Please get some help as soon as you can. This is a really critical time for you and potential turning point into something positive if you can let him go and learn to love yourself.
HUGS!
Hi People,
I need to just jump in and talk about what is happening to me. I read the original article. It seems now Akitamet is questioning herself about anxiety in a new relationship. My issues may be related only from the leaving point of view.
Remember I broke up with spath on Christmas Eve, just two weeks ago. Maybe he broke up with me…….not sure. I looked at my cell phone calls and realized that there had been only one call from him that night and several from me as I kept calling to talk to him and he kept hanging up on me. My original breakup to him was on Valentine’s Day last year. We seem to break up right before Holidays. The reason I broke up with him then was because all of the red flags were there. After that I kept going back to him.
Last night I spent a lot of time, too much time, googling information about him to see if his story pans out. I then had two or more journaling sessions. I wanted so muich to contact him if for nothing else to ask him what the story REALLY was.
The truth was pathetic enough and I fell for it even though all of the red flags were waving. What he told me was that he was a recovering alcoholic who had not had a drink in three years. He was in my state because of being on probation in a neighboring state for two DUI’s. Because they were misdomener rather than felony he had a better chance of coming to our alcohol rehab facility than to be on more than a year of probation. He probably doubted his chance of being able abide by the laws of probation. He also told me that he believed “telling the truth up front was the best thing”. The problem is he only told part of the truth.
When I met him on a singles line he was living in a Catholic halfway house type place. That is why wanting to spend time with me on alternate weekends seemed like a darn good idea. He spent the alternate weekends with his friend. On the opposite weekend I would have my autistic daughter home. You could tell which weekend it was by what flavor of ice cream I would buy along with all of the other groceries of course. I already mentioned that he was “cheap”.
His story was like something out of “Sleepless in Seattle”. His wife had died in a car accident a few years before and he started drinking. He blamed himself because he had sent her out for a pizza. That reason for blaming himself was actually rather lame don’t you think? He wouldn’t just suddenly start drinking.
At one time I did an on line background check on him and the only thing I could find was a couple of judgments on debts owed, one may have been when he may have lost his home. (Double wide) trailor, he had purchased with wife after Vietnam. This was in the early 90’s. I did find the date of his wife’s death which was around 2003. The problem was/is is that the time he said he had been married didn’t pan out with his high school graduation and time in Vietnam. I had two marriages along with his one and we are both 60. His was supposed to have lasted 25 years to his high school sweetheart. I had a 25 year marriage, plus a 12 year marriage.
What I believe happened now is that everything he said was sorta true, but that his wife probably left him more than once and probably lived with her parents. He didn’t just start drinking when she died. He didn’t lose his house. He lost it early in the 1990’s and perhaps lived with his father or brother. He had admitted to stealing change out of his sister-in-laws change jar. That is what I believe he did to me, just stole chump change.
Ok so there was was no felonies, no prison time served. He even admitted to 6 months in jail which did not show up on the background check. After that there were a bunch of different addresses in which he seemed to be living on the same block a couple of doors down. What he seemed to do was ranch hand work. Yes, he had the personna of a Cowboy complete with hat. It would have been very easy for him to disappear. He also told me that he had lived with a woman before me who lived in a remote town, who switched on him as she was bipolar and he had to move out…….back to the halfway house. He does have a job in maintenance at a University. Interesting enough I talked to her as we seemed to have a mutual friend. She said he let the town think that they were married. She was a widow with a house and a truck. How convenient for him. However, he disappointed sexually. He seemed to be not attracted to her. Remember I told you he had erectile disfunction.
Last night I was beating myself up when I realized that I had filled in the blanks, explained things that were not there. In other words although he could tell a good tale from the beginning, I probably did more of the talking after that, just believing what I wanted to believe that he loved me, and we were good for each other at this time in life. After all I figured he was harmless.
When he moved out of the half way house and didn’t have to check in each night with the breatholizer test, he started drinking not too long after that. I saw the sociopathic red flags before he ever started drinking but once he did, he was verbally abusive and disappeared by not answering his phone. Of course during this time, I was comparing notes with his best friend who validated what I said, but had me convinced that he wasn’t that bad……not a sociopath. A simple alcoholic would have been bad enough. It seems I am still struggling with addiction to him. It would not matter if I knew the whole story or not. I cannot understand why I got involved with him. He had a charming side, a comforting voice. It seems like I know him. I miss him.
Why?
One other thing, when he came to my house and saw all of my Bibles in the book case he told me about his “born again” experience. I believed that God had sent him to me, and the red flags didn’t apply in our case. LOLOLOL in a sick kind of way.
I need some talking down from this, please.
True-to-self.
MORE:
In defending myself I want you to know that I am not stupid, but tend to be agoraphobic. I had three years of college, worked off an on as a Special Ed Paro Pro, but spent most of the time raising my autistic daughter who is my only child.
Because of the stress of divorce and finding out that my mother is at least on the spectrum for Narcissism. (My father died about 12 years ago. He was my protector) I found a ready made boy friend who I didn’t have to go out and find.
He would say I love you on Face book and send me songs from YouTube. Easy romance. I spent more time cancelling his weekends than I actually spent time with him.
When I first saw what I now know to be Dr. Hare’s checklist of Psycopathy I thought I was going to faint. That was right before the 4th of July last year. I made an excuse and cancelled the weekend with him after saying” OGM, now I know.” Since that time I have been away from him as long as 6 weeks. It was only recently when there was a death in the family that I sent him an email. At the time I had just broke up with another quick relationship. This guy wanted to rescue me from BF but also wanted the same thing, an instant relationship.
I realize that your advice to Akitamet is good advice. In order to have a love relationship we have to do the work. We don’t fall in love instantly. They don’t either.
I need to work myself out of the house again, meet people and just cultivate friendships. I have done this before. In the meantime I have been getting some dental work done and working on myself physically as I have neglected these things because of emergencies or DRAMA.
TTS
TTS,
((hugs))
Isolated prey attracts predators. All he had to do is mirror you and you fell for it.
He didn’t count on you researching predators and now that you know what he is, you can kick it to the curb! You are worth much, much more than that.
As you said, your problem is not lack of intelligence, but an overabundance of compassion. You “threw your pearls before swine”. Taking care of an autistic daughter probably has enhanced your compassion. You will need to do as spaths do, and compartmentalize. Compassion for your daughter and wariness for everyone else. Work on you, (as you are doing) make yourself happy and then you will only be satisfied with someone worthy of you.
Dear TTS,
Darling, you do NOT NEED AN EX CONVICT, ALCOHOLIC WITHOUT ANY ASSETS….. you are not going to “save” him from himself. He is going to sink his own ship and he doesn’t need you to go down with him, and you sure don’t want to be in the boat when it happens.
The thing is we let them crawl into our “boat” when we have built it ourselves, and then they start chopping holes in the bottom and we start bailing it out. Well, there “ain’t no free lunches” and to give someone a free ride in your boat and then let them chop holes in the bottom is The height of “stooooopidity!” KNOW HOW I KNOW? CAUSE I DID IT MYSELF! LOL
I’m not stupid either, and neither are you, but doesn’t mean we haven’t done some “stooopid” things, but we are going to learn from them and NOT REPEAT THE MISTAKES.
Sky is right, ISOLATED PREY is easy prey, so get out and take care of yourself, get a life that does NOT INCLUDE alcoholics, reformed or not, ex convicts, or people who live in half way houses.
If they have no transportation dump them, if they have no habitation, dump them, if they have no education, dump them, and if they have no STEADY JOB—DUMP THEM. You deserve better, not some creep with nothing. (((Hugs))) and my prayers!
Sky and Oxy,
Thank you so much. Actually I am laughing my head off. You got it exactly right. He is a looser. I liked his phone calls. What else was there? Nothing. He may have actually been dangerous. I had been posting when other people wanted to talk to their ex spaths again and thinking WHY? I know why, I think, it is an addiction because there is a space left in our life and time.
My daughter is home now. She is actually a sweet heart but living with Autism is like living in a time warp. It has not been that long since the divorce. My ex H had me somewhat isolated. What I found myself doing after the divorce instead of cultivating friendships was “dating”. The guys I went with before were a lot better, but none of them lasted longer than two to 4 months. With spath it has been off and on for 1 year and a half. I think it is because he finds any opportunity to jump in when I show any weakness. Really I do believe I am done dating. I want to work on my house, my self and then go out with a guy who has a job, a car, maybe not a house, he probably lost it to his exwife, LOL, but at least a condo. I want to go out and face the world. I am tired of letting my fear isolate me. Going to conquer that pesky agoraphobia.
I just took three bags of garbage out including Christmas food from cleaning out refrigerator …….and his picture. LOL I have a box ready to go to the thrift store which is taped shut with gifts he gave me. Yes there were a few. I think I am going to make it this time. So glad I found this site.
TTS.
DEar TTS,
One of our regular posters here in t he past (he still comes here once in a while) is Matt,, a gay attorney who is a SHARP COOKIE, he got involved with an ex convict drug addict who took him to the cleaners financially and emotionally, so even very sharp educated folks do stooooopid things with these folks and Matt’s list is the 4 “tions” I stole them from him, and I can never remember the 4th one but it means JOB.
He has been in a relationship now for 18 months or so with a nice guy and is doing well. NO MORE LOSERS for Matt, and sure none for me. There are also some ones who appear to be “successful” who are also disordered as well, my BF after my husband died was A “success” but he was EVIL, so the “loser” bit isn’t all about money or financial stability but that is at least a START!
I also advise meet people in real life not on the internet as well, people can pretend to be anything they want to on the net, so be careful there and get to know the entire person, their friends and their families, their job connectons and so on, and if they don’t have any friends, family or job connections, dump them too!