by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Blondie.. good message. I needed that.
I am dating someone that is many things I wanted but just someone I never thought I would be dating… a man I dated long long ago has reappeared in a most unexpected way. Stay tuned.
Oxy,
What did I miss? Why is everyone saying “Towanda”?
Great blog! Listing a socio’s characteristics and/or words makes it hard to gloss over the harsh reality of their behavior. In the last few months I was married, I kept a journal, which helped me keep track. When I went to write about my experience, I looked at that journal. All I could say was, “wow.”
its actually sad that he thinks im going to believe that im to blame for the end of our relationship. he truly believes that i walked out on him and left. my comment to that is, hell yes i left. anyone who is fake, lies, cheats on me doest deserve me and of course im going to walk out on someone who is a pathological cheater!…..he/they will always live there lives this way. blame, blame blame anyone but themselves. but guess what it doest bother me anymore bc i know the truth.
YAY Blondie!!!
I left too and it was all my fault of course. I actually thought at the end he would finally say, “I get it. I abused you. I am sorry.” I thought getting on a plane and leaving the island would show I meant business and maybe, just maybe, he would get the help he needed.
Instead, I got the message, “How can you do this to me? If you are trying to punish me, this is the worst thing you could ever do. I will never trust YOU again.”
Therein lies the pathology.
:o)
Aloha Traveler:
You wrote: “Bad Man always made me wrong for striking back. His attacks were so vicious. But if I dared to strike back, or even just stand up for myself at all, it was BAM BAM BAM! A more vicious attack on my character than before.
They all do this, don’t they?”
Wow, apparently yes, they do.
Just last night my friend with the sociopath ex told me he did just that once again to her. Apparently he does that all the time.
I don’t even think she realized that he was the one who was always attacking.
Because he attacks her, is nasty to her, is inconsiderate to her, does something totally inappropriate, totally wrong. And then when she tells him to not do it, or stop it… He says she’s being mean or she’s being rude or tells her “You can’t talk to me in that tone”.
And he has her so gaslighted, and worried that she’s not nice.
I said, oh, so it’s okay for HIM to talk to YOU like that. But if you tell him to stop, then you’re talking to him “in a tone” if you’re angry at what he’s saying & doing (for very legitimate reasons).
She said he always does this to her.
The thing is, I see NON-sociopaths do this sometimes, when I see heated interactions between familiar people – people who aren’t sociopaths.
One person gets snippy, then when the other person cops an attitude in return, the snippy person scolds them for it.
It’s easy to see the hypocrisy when you’re the uninvolved 3rd party.
I’ve learned to escape this for the most part by just taking care of my side of it, no matter what.
Like no matter how snippy or angry or rude someone is, I don’t react. At all, if possible.
When I get my dander up, before I react, I either walk away or make a conscious effort to remain absolutely calm – at least on the outside.
That way, if my side of the street’s clean – no matter what they say, they can’t turn it around, because I KNOW I’m not the one acting irrational.
Now of course with normal people this works very well. If you don’t react when someone’s in an angry shut-down state, it sometimes wakes them up to how they’re being.
With a sociopath, or some other disorder, they see any type of boundaries as an attack. If you don’t react, you’ll be told walking away is a mean action..
So in the case of people with issues (like sociopaths, narcissists, & borderlines), I’ve just had to learn to be 100% confident in my right to protect myself & my boundaries. I’m now confident that walking away and not responding are NOT fighting actions. They’re not something someone can realistically & rationally call “mean”.
No matter what someone tries to say, walking away from someone shouting at you or being rude is NOT an attack. Not reacting is NOT morally wrong.
My friend, if she simply says “no” to her ex’s demands, he seems to react as if it’s the same as if she yelled profanities at him for 15 minutes straight.
So what it takes is confidence that saying “no”, taking care of yourself, having boundaries, and not listening to nonsense or abuse, are perfectly normal, healthy, & moral.
And if walking away & staying outwardly calm are the only ways I react, then there’s absolutely no basis for me to beat myself up for being (acting like) someone I don’t want to be.
But if you stay hip deep in the trenches of a war, then you’re going to have no choice but to be someone you don’t want to be. So this strategy isn’t going to work with someone you live with, who’s constantly attacking you.
In that case, I have to say that even the Dalai Lama, Ghandi, and Mother Teresa would probably have a hard time remaining calm if they were personally attacked by someone sharing their home 10 times a day. It’s pretty much impossible to be at the frontline of a war and survive without taking a shot.
That’s why people committed to peace don’t position themselves in the frontline of a war unless they’re completely expecting and willing to die.
wp,
You put it beautifully. I think this is what I was trying to say.
“what it takes is confidence that saying “no”, taking care of yourself, having boundaries, and not listening to nonsense or abuse, are perfectly normal, healthy, & moral.”
YES!
It’s true that even normal people don’t fight fair at times. Voices get raised and bad things fly out of our mouths. But with Bad Man, to be honest, I didn’t really fight back. Instead it was more like being showered with bullets and just trying to hit the ground to save myself.
I was very measured with my words after getting my hair up only once or twice. The punishment was worse for trying to fight back. Plus, in those early days, I thought he would see his own hypocrisy if I pointed it out. He seemed to be an intelligent man.. but he did not see. And pointing out any flaws in his arguements was big time TABOO. Besides, his mind worked so fast in bending and twisting things right back at me.
I think this is because I have a conscience. If he points out that I was raising my voice and that is wrong, well, that would give me a tingle inside as ringing true… even if he was yelling it at me. Funny to think about that now.
I did watch my tone and my word choices very carefully but the land mines were everywhere and he was way too good at making up obstacles out of thin air.
Is your friend a reader of LF? I am sure you have invited her to read here. Tell her that other readers are inviting her to read here as well. Come join us and just read. She might not be ready to see what is happening but the black hole she has fallen into is very very very deep.
No matter how far down she goes, we have enough rope here. She just has to grasp it.
Thinking of “friend.”
Aloha
Aloha, what a great idea. I keep a little list up in my head. Whenever I start longing for the S, I replay the things he said and did. I am also very lucky that he is not trying to contact me. He has totally moved on, which hurts in its own way, but it is the saving grace.
Do you ever find yourself having imaginary conversations with the S, trying to figure out what one really effective thing you can say to him? I always conclude that there is nothing that can be said. Nothing. In my imagination, when he does try to contact me again, I just hang up the phone, shut the door, delete the email, etc. I don’t even respond. Really, what can you say or do? There is just nothing. In the end, you wasted X amount of time with someone who–for all practical purposes–is not human, and why waste one more minute?
I am not a Christian, and have never really believed in the concept of evil before. I do now. I always though evil was just “fear”. But sociopaths don’t have any fear, so it’s something else. That something else is not something I want anything to do with.
Stargazer,
Yes. I know exactly what you mean about the imaginary conversations. I never won these arguements either.
The imaginary arguements are what Dr. Steve would call ruminating. It’s part of PTSD. We keep replaying what happened over and over. Or we try to imagine things going a different way. This of course is not a clinical definition of PTSD but it is how it played out for me.
I am thrilled that you have already come to the conclusion that there really is nothing you can say that will change anything. That is a hard truth.
I haven’t had any of these distressing night time “conversations” in at least two year os somewhere around there. I was still sleepless and “arguing” in my head at night when I found LF. I was ready to turn the corner and LF helped me do it.
I love how you imagine yourself slamming the door if he ever shows up. It’s good to rehearse sometimes so you will be prepared for the moment if it should come. Best yet, don’t even oepn the door.
I found in the past that one little crack was enough for him to get in a verbally smack me around somemore.
My last word to him is… *silence.*
My last word for me is… *peace.*
XO Aloha
BTW… I meant that my definition for PTSD might not be spot on. This is how I interpret it for me.
Thanks, Aloha,
I never really thought about this ruminating as PTSD, but I guess it is. It seems to happen less and less as the steam just runs out. I was only with him for 2-1/2 months and feel so damaged. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be with someone like this for years and years.
I started missing my reptile website and my friends there whom I have come to love over the nearly 2 years I have been there. But I’m not ready to go back cause every time I see his name on there, I have a panic attack. I logged in and started posting the other night. Then I saw one of his threads with 36 replies and got upset. That night I had a nightmare about him. I have to remind myself that my only REAL friends on that site are the ones who have taken up for me in my cause to remove him from the site. There are about 4 of them.
I am just hanging out and waiting for the army to take action against him, and I believe they will, thanks to my help. After that, my friends and I can ruin his reputation on the site, and hopefully run him off of it.
When I logged in recently, there was a new guy who lives in Denver who had sent me a private message. He is very friendly and wants to meet all the snake lovers in Denver. Whereas I used to consider everyone on that site as a family member and welcome them to my home with open arms, I feel very guarded about meeting him. But at least he says in his profile that he is married (which my S did not). So I know he’s not a player. Anyway, this is how I am changed. Much less trusting. It sucks.