by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Akita….sombody asked u if there were other red flags. That’s the right question.
Also, I too suffered from anorexia. This is not a small thing. Its a outward sign that perhaps more is going on…abuse you didn’t even recognize. This may have made you more succeptible to this guy who abused u by leading u on and then disappearing.
Maybe he just fell over dead somewhere…. and was truly a great man….but I don’t think so…..
Can u find a personal therapist? I think there is a important story in here for you……
Superkid
Sk
Akita has not posted here in awhile.
This thread was from awhile back. I sure wish she WOULD post again! I miss her and wonder what happened to her after she met the last spath and she was struggling so much.
She had so much to offer.
I miss her.
LL
Superkid;
I did not understand mirroring at the time. I thought all these little things we had in common made for a “connection.”
Of course, it also kept me distracted from the fact that we really did not have many big things in common.
Even when I raised concerns regarding the three immediate red flags I saw, he downplayed them.
His smoking — he had quit, started up again and knows he needs to quit again.
Heavy drinking — had quit for a year and recently started again but its the holidays…
Employment as a flight attendant — does not intend to do it forever; just a couple more years then intends to go back to a desk job… Made a point to tell me he has a technical degree from a very good University…
Pathological liars?
And then when you get ‘on’ to them, they try to turn it all ON YOU. Right? Yes….’red flags’….oh yes; unfortunately nobody told me you can’t love away evil. I never believed that until now. It’s true. You can’t love away evil. It will suck your soul away from you, if you allow it to.
It’s absolutely stunning to think there are people like this among us. We all owe it to ourselves to educate as many people as we can about this. I would assume that with the increased amount of difficulties we have been experiencing in the world, it is probably manufacturing a lot more sp’s than we would care to realize. Truly.
I liken them to dead souls who wander the earth devouring other souls for the power and energy. I refuse to give mine for something so dark and ugly. I tried to ‘love away’ that devil…the devil almost won and laughed at me on his way out the door and probably still does to this moment.
I burn candles, every so often, and pray the Angels will keep me safe and soothe that monster I just saw. Nobody would or possibly could come close to understanding what the mind control was like for me from my sp. It was amazing that “I” of all people, as educated as I THOUGHT I was, could have fallen into such a horrendous web of lies and deceit by someone so sick and ill. I am sorry for them but I am more sorry for US. The ones who have had to endure and after being thrown aside, PUT OURSELVES back together.
I keep telling myself that this has been like the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in my entire lifetime and I have had to face some pretty horrible things. I keep telling myself that although that is true, I am in a battle for my soul, with the devil. I REFUSE TO LET THE DEVIL WIN. No matter what.
If you are in a relationship/friendship/acquaintance with someone you sense there is something ‘just not right’, there probably IS something ‘just not right’. We can’t ‘love’ away the disorder. They have become very skilled through their lifetime, as to getting people to do what they want, with their charm and their ‘blinky eyes’ and their sweet smiles…everything about them was a lie. Everything.
I believed a lie. That was my fault and my responsibility for trusting someone I shouldn’t have. We do have to assume responsibility for our faulty actions or else concrete change won’t come. We will only be ‘fooling the process’. We have to admit our part in all this. We need to make adjustments in ourselves so this never happens to us ever again in our lifetimes.
It is such a difficult thing trying to deal with the wrenching pain that comes from a broken heart. I know that pain so very well. Literally. But I am here to tell you that if “I” can do it, with a fatal heart condition, YOU can too. It’s part of what we are alive for! Grabbing a hold of life and making it go OUR WAY. 🙂
I know that is true because we are all HERE, searching for the answers. WE ARE THE ANSWER. “US”, each of us, all by ourselves. WE are the answer. xxoo
Happy and peaceful night to you all…
DUPED
Thanks LL. My mistake.
oh my
Hens
Oh my what?
Skylar
I was thinking about what you said – 25 years with your spath — until you finally saw the light and decided to take action. That is a long time.
I loved the letter to a sociopath that Steve (LCW) wrote earlier.
I would love to see a “letter” addressed to a long term victim (like yourself) — addressed to somebody who doesn’t quite see the light, yet after years and years of abuse.
A letter that might have been helpful to YOU – and maybe would be helpful to the others who were in a similar boat.
Superkid
Superkid,
good morning.
It’s hard to say if that would have helped. My spath kept me in the dark and compartmentalized so welll, that I didn’t know all the evil he was doing. The Red Flags are the only thing that MIGHT have helped. To know that when someone lies, constantly, without any need whatsoever, is a sign of pathology, would have been helpful. Yet I might have dismissed it too, since he was sooooo nice and he obviously seemed capable of love since he loved me so much. My spath hid his sabotage while I had money or credit. It wasn’t til the end that he became more Mr. Hyde than Dr. Jekyll.
What sealed the deal, for me, was that my parents finally told me, after 25 years, that my dad OVERHEARD him say, in his own words, that he was only with me for my money. That’s when I knew that the whole 25 years had been a con. That’s when I knew that his show of love was not real and that all the mean things were real. And I knew that if he could fake that, as well as he did, that everything was false and meant to manipulate. Then I knew that he was a frightening monster, but I still didn’t know what a sociopath was. I still didn’t know that he wasn’t unusual, but rather, a common PD’ed, easily diagnosed, sicko sociopath.
The more time passes the more the webs of mass deception are revealing themselves inside my own thoughts. Wow. That is a lot to process. Almost too much and becomes overwhelming at times but we are doing it, slowly and surely by being able to ‘lean’ on each other for our validation.
WE know ‘who’ we are and we also know ‘who’ THEY are.
The pain and anguish will continue if we keep allowing ourselves to ‘participate’ in their ‘roadshow’. If we just don’t participate, it becomes so much easier. True; we recall the ‘dream’ that was spun about us. WHY DO YOU THINK IT WAS SO PERFECT?
Because it was YOU keeping it that way. It was YOU making all the really hard and truly important sacrifices. It was THEM sucking us dry and leaving us laying there to die, while walking away laughing.
I believe that our ‘true selves’ will come shining through all of the hardships and the battles that we have come through this far in our lives just because we are compassionate and caring people. BUT: one thing is for certain, I shall be more careful for the rest of my life, now, ‘whom’ I allow that close to me, ever again. It’s very frightening and scarey to think you know someone, one moment, and then suddenly, they appear as a rabid dog and you have no idea why the sudden change.
Which person was that in that ‘dream’? I mean, truly.
It was the person that “IT” wanted you to see and no more or less. You were a commodity and served a purpose or you would not have been in their lives in the first place. I never used to think that people like this existed but I do now and it has left me in a state of shock that I am not sure I am ever going to come out of, for as long as I am left to live now, with my heart condition.
Sure: there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t whisper into the wind: “I miss you; I love you still…” somewhere, underneath all the screams of terror and pain of complete emotional devastation….I mean, that is ‘what’ ‘love’ is about; right?
NO. Real love is letting go and realizing the truths. All of them. Yes, even the not so nice ones. It is difficult to think bad about someone we have adored and loved so much…..but if it quacks like a duck and it looks and sounds like a duck….guess what?
IT MUST BE A DUCK. 🙂
Time to heal and move on.
I don’t hate him but I don’t love him and I want this over.
Turn the page and move on.
Life is too short for their control to continue reaching us this way.
Stay strong; go in peace and light,
DUPED
skylar:
How horrible to realize after all that time that it was all a con…all a lie. I am sure you feel like you wasted all those years. That makes me sad for you 🙁 But you sound like an awesome person and I know you are much better emotionally now. And of course you learned so many life lessons so in the end, it wasn’t all for nothing. You have children, yeah? Do you have a good relationship with them? Forgive me…I read so many stories on here it is hard to keep them all straight. Blessings and hugs to you.