by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Louise-I think that is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I’m really hurt and angry this morning for a whole different reason-my N father. I am so tired of these people doing what they do to make you feel like shit. They build you up and then pull the rug out from under you like it’s no big deal. I am so tired of the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing. One minute it’s emails telling me how he is so proud of me and it’s such an honor to be my father, and the next minute telling me what an utter failure I am and criticizing me for my weight and telling me that I brought all this on myself.
It reminds me of my N mother when the spath broke up with me and she told me that it was all my fault for getting involved and being the OW and disobeying God’s commandments. Never mind that her own flesh and blood daughter was hurting more than I have ever hurt before.
Lizzy:
I know…it hurts and I am so sorry you are going through that. They are just cruel people. Very cruel. Not sticking up for any of them, but sometimes I wonder if they even realize what they do; how much they hurt us. I am not naive enough to think that some or most do it on purpose of course, but I wonder if some are just so damaged themselves that they don’t even KNOW what they are doing? I don’t know.
How do we deal with it?? We all have to find our own coping mechanism and we all do that in different ways. I just posted that I am suffering from so many losses and didn’t even realize it. My dad, my job and this relationship with someone who I thought was the one for me.
Your mom was soooo cruel to say that. I had a friend basically tell me the same thing also that why did I even get involved if I knew he was married (separated), blah, blah, blah. I don’t know…hell, obviously I am just NOT as perfect as her who would NEVER do anything like that!!! I hate when people profess to be so perfect. Because of all I have learned, I made up my mind to no longer be friends with her. I just don’t need that in my life when I am already hurting. I barely ever see her anyway…she is not a close friend so it is easier to just ban her from my life and I will.
Louise-I am going to have to ban them all I guess. He sent me a check to help me keep my car for the interest due and even sent $30 more than I needed and then proceeded to make me feel like shit for it. It all just went downhill from there. I can’t wait to give him his money back and have NC with him once and for all. I’m going to do it quietly. I just want someone tangible and real to give a shit-not just ya’ll on here.
My friend next door does but I hate her to always see me like this because I don’t want our whole friendship to revolve around my troubles. I was able to be there for her the other day when she was having a bad day and she really appreciated that and it made me feel good.
I just don’t feel like a whole woman right now. Part of me wanted to date and I put myself on match.com-something I thought I would never do-ever. A lady emailed me and then I chickened out. She has a master’s degree and she’s an executive and I don’t know why anyone would want to meet someone who can barely support herself. I guess I’m really not ready then at all. I just want to feel whole again. I guess I shouldn’t even try that until I feel whole.
Lizzy, (quote)I guess I shouldn’t even try that until I feel whole.
I agree totally, dating when we are not “whole” sets us up to find another psychopath or have a dysfunctional relationship. We need to become HAPPY WITHIN OURSELVES then find another whole and happy person to share that happiness with. No one else can make us happy.
As for your sperm donor, he doesn’t “loan you” the money because he loves you, he “loans it” because he feels that gives him the right to criticize you. My egg donor tried to give me money (even though I had not asked for any and WOULD HAVE DIED BEFORE I ASKED HER FOR ANYTHING if I had needed it.) The last time I turned her down “thanks but I’m doing fine” she looked at me sort of mad and said snide “you wouldn’t take it if you did need it would you?” I said “Nope, I wouldn’t.”
She has never loaned me a dollar that I have not paid back with INTEREST at 10%. Several times she has said, “Oh, don’t worry about that” (meaning don’t pay it back is okay) but I always paid it back and with interest. If we take “gifts” or “loans” from people who are into control, they will always use it against us.
I am fiercely independent financially, and have been since I was a kid and started to earn my own money. I do not want to be “beholden” to anyone or to “owe” anyone.
When you get your unemployment settlement Lizzy you can pay him back, and figuring the interest isn’t hard either….add the interest and put a little note in with the check you mail him and indicate the extra is interest. It won’t be much I’m sure, but it might be enough to give YOU some satisfaction. LOL Cheap at twice the price. LOL
Oxy-you know what makes it worse though? I just checked my email and he sent me all these emails that he forwards from his buddies trying to be funny-political stuff, Muslim bashing and all that and does not EVEN address the email that I sent him back after hurting me yesterday. What an ASSHOLE-pardon my language.
I guess you are right about the being whole thing and dating. I think it would just make me feel worse about myself.
Lizzy:
I just typed a long post and lost it.
I was saying that you will have to ban them sorry to say. I know it hurts when it’s a parent, but you need to pay him back and then ignore him. He doesn’t deserve your attention if he is going to act like that. End of story.
I feel the same way about my friendships…I don’t want to be always down. I do try to be upbeat when I am around my friends. I am a listener so I like to listen to what is going on with them so I won’t be the one whining…haha.
I probably would have chickened out, too. What you said struck a chord with me. I have thought how stupid I was to think someone like my X spath would “want” me. What I mean by that is this…I know he is an alcoholic, unreliable, untrustworthy predator, BUT…I was looking at it as someone who is an executive, cultured, European, an appreciation for the finer things in life…someone who I always wanted, but didn’t even realize that’s what I wanted until I got it. Sounds crazy I know, but I am obviously looking at his “image” and not the real man who possesses all those horrible qualities. But sometimes those thoughts still come back to me about how did I ever think he could want someone like me. And why would I feel that way?? I am beautiful, smart, fit, nice, sweet and compassionate. I am everything he could ever want and could be so good for him, but he had/has way too much going on in his life to see that. It just wasn’t meant to be on all levels.
nolarn (Lizzy), what your father is doing is called the “golden noose”. It is a form of control. If I kissed up to my mother and allow the narcissism into my life, I’d probably get a small inheritance some day (or maybe not – who knows?). But after doing so many things for money that killed my soul, I feel I’m better off being poor and being my own person. I went through a phase of missing my mom last weekend a lot. Then I remembered why I went NC with her in the first place.
I had my first date with that guy I was supposed to go to the beach with. The beach date didn’t work out but we spent some time together on Friday night. He is very nice, and we have a lot in common. He really likes me. Even though he is my age, I found him attractive, which is unusual – I usually go for younger men. He is also very deep and soulful. Like me he is very educated but works with his hands for a living. The most uncanny thing is that we have exactly the same taste in music, which is pretty unusual for me. But he seems a little too attached to me now. He calls me a lot and tells me his misses me. He wants Friday nights to be “our time” because our schedules are so opposite. We only had one date, and I didn’t even kiss him! I finally had to have a talk with him to tell him I am very slow to get involved with someone and that I am not on the same page he is on. I hate these talks. It will probably scare him away. On my end, it’s hard to say if I’m just closing myself off to someone who could be really good for me, and pushing him away, as I do with most people. But I can’t lie and tell him I miss him when I don’t. I certainly like him.
The worst part is that I still have some PTSD over the neighbor. Every time I walk out my front door, I’m acutely aware if he’s home, if his light is on at night, and he is often sitting out on his patio in the morning when I’m taking out the trash or leaving the house. I really still have not taken my power back with him, and this makes me still somewhat unavailable. I don’t know what it will take. I really wish I could just move away and not have the constant trigger. But I just don’t have a really good plan to move out of here.
Meantime, I have been writing with another guy who seems to be on the same page with me about just making friends and not jumping into a relationship. It seems a lot more sane to me. He is supposed to call me today. I really don’t know what I’m doing with men. I’m probably not ready to date, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
Yesterday, I was planning to go to the pool for the day. A client called in pain and needed a massage. He usually gets a minimum of 2 hours, and it’s a trade. I owed him 3 massages because his partner does my hair every few months. I didn’t want to turn him down. So I did his massage at the pool and got the best of both worlds. It didn’t even feel like working! After the massage, he just took a nap on the table in a shady corner, while I swam and laid around in the sun. I think I just figured out a new way to work in the summer months!
But anyway, nolarn, with your dad, I guess you will decide if his money and inconsistent praise is worth the trauma he causes you. Have you ever just told him how you feel about the way he treats you? I get the feeling that he and your mom will never change. Many years ago, I had a heart to heart with my abusive stepfather and spoke my truth to him directly. I told him that the thing that hurt me the most was that he never allowed me to say no to him or to get angry. To my surprise, he listened to me. My memory of it is that he apologized, but it was so long ago…….. Anyway, after that talk, I never felt angry with him again. He seemed to change a little as he got older and became less abusive – of course he had no one to abuse any more, once he figured out I wouldn’t take his shit. But old age seemed to mellow him out. It was my mother who was the hardest to forgive and still is, for allowing all the abuse to happen and never standing up for me. Or even supporting me when I stood up for myself when I was 16.
Lizzy:
You will know when the right one comes along. You are young yet. You have a lot of time.
Lizzy,
And you are expecting him to have changed WHY? If you let his asshole ways control your moods, or ANYONE ELSE for that matter control your moods you will forever be going up and down like a YO YO.
Oh, daddy was nice today so I’ll have a good day. Oh, NO! Daddy was an asshole so I’ll have a bad day.
What other people say or think or do cannot ***CANNOT**** be allowed to control your every mood and you live any kind of normal life.
Sure some people pith us off, but it is because we choose to be pithed off.
When you find yourself getting “mad, sad etc” because of someone else’s behavior or words–say to yourself STOP!!!!!! I am NOT going to let X’s arshole behavior control my moods. I will not let him/them control how I feel. THEN DO IT!
Okay, you have a sperm donor who is a jerk, do you EXPECT him to change? I would venture to say NO. So what is there to be upset about? Are you going to choose to let him control your moods the rest of your life? I HOPE NOT.
Take satisfaction when you write him the check for the money you borrowed and the interest. If you don’t know how to calculate the interest let me know and I’ll tell you how, it is simple even for part year times. LOL
Star-none of the money that he could send for any reason is worth any of the pain. I just posted to Oxy about him now ignoring my pain this morning and sending me a whole bunch of forwarded BS emails from his buddies and his psycho druggie sister. I deleted all of them.
What you said about the beach guy sets off some major FREAKIN RED FLAGS with me. He is wanting to get WAY to close way to fast. My ex spath did that. I also told Oxy how I had felt like I was ready to date but I am so NOT ready to do it. A lady emailed me on match.com and I chickened out. My friend from next door came over the other night before bed to put some bengay on my twisted up shoulders. She tried to go up under my shirt and I wouldn’t let her do it-and this is the ONE I have been crushing on forever.
I guess for me I just can’t be with anyone other than myself right now because it is NOT healthy for me at all.