by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
blondie
alhoa~ i got the same message. whatever i did that was againest what he wanted, he couldt trust me now! THERE ALL THE SAME!!!!
Ox Drover
Dear Stargazer,
It is dangerous to get to “close” sometimes to people we meet in the internet, as they can pretend to be “anyone” behind that screen. That is why the internet dating scene is so rife with psychopaths, and so many people get burned. I think I have heard 1000 burned stories for any one story of “happiness.” My son met his psychopath on the internet 8+ yrs ago, married her and had hell on earth since, until after she tried to kill him, and she went to jail, he divorced her emotionally as well as physically.
Another great friend of mine who had been married to two previous psychopaths, found him a’nuther’un on the internet and the marriage lasted 3 days. AFter she was divorced she still took out dozens of credit cards in his name. He’s still trying to get that one straightened out.
Personally, I wouldn’t invite ANY one off the internet to my home until I had checked them out thoroughly, and never a person for a “love interest”—I have sold stuff off Craig’s list but I always make sure that they come to my house when my son is also home, and that they don’t get too good of a look around, in case they are “casing the joint” for a future robbery. I am not PARANOID, but I AM CAUTIOUS.
I have lived here on my farm in the country, in a community I felt completely safe in. Until recently, I didn’t even know where the key to my front door was, I hadn’t seen it in years. Now I have an alarm system, and several good dead bolts, a locking gate on the drive off the road, motion sensors, and a loaded shot gun behind the front and back doors. I don’t open the door unless I know who it is, and if a stranger drives up I don’t get too close until I know who they are.
In the last 3 years our community has become filled with “oil-rig workers” as the natural gas drilling on the Fayetteville Shale deposit has gone into full swing. Most of these men are “transient” workers and a “pretty tough group:” so with that in mind, and many “strangers” instead of only an occasional one in the area, I am CAUTIOUS, and take reasonable precautions to keep myself safe. I an not living in terror, but I am living in reasonable safety, but it isn’t like the community once was, and I doubt it ever will be that way again.
I no longer stop to help anyone stranded on the highway, but I will stop long enough behind a locked car door to ask if they need the use of a cell phone to call someone, if they do, I make the call for them, but I don’t unlock my doors or open the window very far and my car is not in park, but in drive.
The world in general is not always a safe place, there are people who will hurt you, and also many very nice people. But I no longer give open trust to “just anyone” I meet, and especially not to people I have met off the internet.
Grace63
Thank you Aloha Traveler! I really liked the list…and, if I may use it as a springboard, I would appreciate it! I have not logged onto LF for a long time…but, I have received so much strength from it! I left the relationship with a sociopath approximately a year and a half ago. I was conned out of a great deal of money, and I have learned a great deal about myself and have healed tremendously, and you guys here on this site helped me a lot without really even knowing it!
I recently started a support group in my area for Women in Recovery from Abusive and Dangerous Relationships – RADAR we call it! We utilize the 12-Steps as well as any and all pertinent material, but, mostly Sandra L. Brown’s How to Spot A Dangerous Man books. And, I was recently asked to talk to a group of high school girls about dangerous relationships…
THUS…I really liked the LIST.
Thank you! This is such a wonderful site!
Stargazer
OxD, sadly you are right. I’m much more guarded than I used to be. But I still believe in the goodness of people. Just not all people. I figure if sociopaths comprise 1% of the population, I’ve done pretty well to avoid them for most of my adult life. I think I can still trust most of the people from my reptile site. But I will watch for the signs. With V, the signs were there, but I didn’t know how to interpret them.
Ox Drover
YOU GO GRACIE!!!!!
RADAR!!! How great! 100 GOLD STARS for you!!! Talking to high school girls about dangerous relationships (and guys too) is a great forum for change, for arming these young people in their most vulnerable ages! WOW!!!! I’m impressed. Tell us more about your group, maybe we can have a nation wide “chain of RADARS!”
Doyou have web site up? If not, how about putting one up so that maybe there are others on LF that can open “francises” in their local areas.
kat_o_nine_tales
I feel kind of bad reading Southernman’s post, because I’ve been way more abusive in a way to my most recent bf than he has. His crimes are all about lying, cheating and letting me down, I have been the angry one I’m afraid. Oh well… gotta keep working on that fruits of the spirit thang…
Southernman.. 6ft., sweet, southern and love the lord, your ex was insane to devalue you. If you ever wanna meet a girl who’ll appreciate someone like you.. drop me a line..
PS.. sorry but I did get a lolz out of your hometown brother.
Robin_Hoffman
Reading your post about the list of qualities we are looking for in the ONE reminds me of my experience when I first got involved with a romantic financial predator. He SEEMED to have the qualities on my ONE list, and that helped catapult me into a quick commitment that turned out to be a financial disaster.
I wrote a book about my experience called I TAKE THEE…How to Spot a Romantic Financial Predator and What to Do if You Are Already Involved. (ITakeThee.info)
I list 15 PREDATOR DETECTORS that help you identify a romantic con artist. One of them is the pressure to make a quick commitment.
So, perhaps no matter what is on our lists of what we DO or DO NOT WANT, we can always remember to take our time getting to know someone and ALL of their qualities before we give our heart (and in many cases our money) away.
spotlessmind
How long does it take to get over a sociopath? I found out 3 months ago I was ‘the other woman’ to this married man. I know 3 months is not long compared to most of you. But this has f–ked with my head. I am now questioning to myself everyone around me. Is my best friend a liar? My Boss? My Father? I had trust issues before and then I happened to get fooled by the tricker of all trickery.
Ox Drover
Dear Spotlessmind,
“Time” is relative to so many things there isn’t a way that any of us can say “three months” or “a day for each day you were with them” or “a year” or any other “number.”
It depends on how hurt you were, how many tools (support) you have in your tool belt, how many times you have been hurt before, how well you set boundaries and enforce them. So it is different for each of us. The best I can say is that it is an “up hill climb” and it “takes work” —and you can do it if you work at it and experience the pain, the grief, and heal yourself from being vulnerable to these “creatures” of the night.
You doubt ing yourself, your other intimate relationships, etc is a very normal reaction to being “conned.” If you had trust issues before as you said, this will make them worse for a while, but they can be dealt with.
First off I suggest that you read and learn here on this site. There is SO much good information here, go back through the articles in the archive and read just the articles to start with, then go back and re-read them with the comments from the bloggers. You will gain much insight into the psychopath and also insight in what made you fall for his con-job. We can’t fix them, they can’t be fixed.
We can only heal and understand ourselves in light of what they are, and in light of the wounds that we suffered from them. Welcome here, Spotlessmind, there is great support in this forum. Feel free to ask questions, tell us your story, it is a safe place for us all.
alohatraveler
Spotlessmind,
Start with the list I suggested and put “LIAR” “CHEAT” and “CON” at the top of the page.
I understand your sudden questioning of all relationships. Like OXY said, NORMAL. Totally normal reaction.
When we are seduced by one of these great seducers, it is so painful when the curtain drops and we see the sham who is behind it. But look at your friends and family and think about the history you have with them. Is there any indication that have or would lie to you?
Also, look very very carefully at the con. Was there any clues that you explained away or gave the benefit of the doubt because you wanted it all to be true because the seduction was so intoxicating? Usually, there was something there that you swept away.
This is not to say you are at fault. Most of us want to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, especially when they are seducing us… because when you are being seduced, the seducer makes you feel like a million bucks. That’s a pretty intoxicating feeling.
The way we feel about someone is often directly related to how they make us feel about ourselves. Though many of these abusers have taken us to the lowest of lows, they have first taken us to the highest of highs… like a drug where you can never get that feeling of the first high back again.. NEVER.
BTW… I do not do drugs but I have been told this.
It will take a bit of time to process this event that has happened to you.
Be good to yourself and know that you are among friends here.