by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
hey everyone,
I really feel like venting today about how ive been feeling over this weekend bc i feel like i have no one to explain my angry and frustration to. WHY THE HELL DID I DATE THIS FOOL?????????? WHY DID I EVER GET INVOLVED WITH THIS EVIL THING???…i hate him, well i dont really hate anyone. but im so mad at myself for not listing to anyone that told me before that i should watch out or that im going to get hurt. why did i go back after the first break up? he is just an evil person, he is not a good person, there is nothing good about him. i cant believe i spent two years with someone who is so evil. never buy or get things together if your not married. thats the biggest lesson i learn. im angry about that!!!
The fool thinks he is so cool and funny. everyone likes him. everyone who likes him doest know the real him. how could you stay being friends with someone like him. you see that he lies and play games and yet you continue to participate in it. The fool tells his friends that I WANT HIM BACK!! R U KIDDING ME WHAT A JOKE. i told his friend, im not apart of his drama anymore. he is a bad person and i dont want anyone in my life who is not a good person. i said you are continuing to think that its ok that he is a liar and makes up stuff.
i just want it to be 2 years down the road and there is a new break up in his life. i want it to be 2 years down the road so that i can be so far away from this break up that it was years ago! how does the new girl continue dating him when she knows he was with me for two years and that he was cheating on me with her and then she stays with him, How does she make that ok in her head? like me and him could still be together and she would have no clue. she saw and knows he lived a double life yet she still stays with him like nothing ever happen!
it makes me puke to think i spent two years with someone i had true love for. who talks behind your back, makes up stories, puts on apperances to your face. then just goes on with his life with the another girl like nothing. then they continue to try to contact you and play games with you or try to control you when they have a new girlfriend. its so messed up who this people are. sometimes i really feel like nobody sees this in him but me. im so happy that its over but the fact that i wasted my time and all the drama and pain he caused makes me so mad
Dear Blondie,
VENT AWAY my dear!!!! Yea, it sucks canal water!
And you know, it’s okay to hate him for now! You have been injured and anger and hatred is the normal response to being duped, being lied to , being cheated on, and all that stuff.
We have all been angry at times. I know I have layed awake at night thinking of ways to “dispose of the body”—LOL (not really, but you know what I mean). The time will come when he means so little to you that you don’t even feel angry at him any more, but right now, anger is okay. Anger is normal.
Most of all, he stole your dreams. That hurts!
(((((BIG HUGS))))
Dear Taking me back,
Thanks for telling me who started the Towanda thing! Yea, I got CRS pretty bad! LOL It was bothering the heck out of me, I mean SERIOUSLY bothering me, making me wonder if I was mentally “losing it” but my therapist did an IQ test and I scored a point higher than I ever have (I know that’s not statisticly significant) but it reassured me that though I have CRS it isn’t that I’m losing it completely.
Right after the plane crash I was so PTSD’d that I couldn’t keep a phone number series of numbers down in my short term memory long enough to write it down with a pencil in my hand, I had to write it and hear it ONE NUMBER AT A TIME. I couldn’t read, cause by the time I reached the end of a sentence I couldn’t remember the subect. One of my “parlor tricks” used to be having someone read me a list of 100 numbeers and I could recite the back to you, foreward backward or skip any number of them, NO PROBLEM. And here I was, couldn’t remember a phone number long enough to write it down, or dial it. That really freaked me out big time!!!
I’m getting better now but still am “scatter brained” about where I left my car keys and that sort of thing, and names and which book I read something out of, that sort of thing still is CRS-ing but I’m not freaked about it any more, just laugh it off as “old age” and go on. I make lists to try to keep things organized as much as possible and laugh about the rest!
If you can’t laugh at yourself, and make fun of yourself about that kind of junk, you’re, in my mind, taking things way too seriously.
Well, it’s about supper time here so I need to go eat a bite! You guys have a good evening and for you folks in the US enjoy the rest of the holiday.
Hey Blondie, it’s good to be angry because he used your own loving, forgiving nature against you! You were not a fool. You were fooled by someone so evil you couldn’t even imagine such evil existed.
I have heard stories of women getting played. I always thought it would never happen to me. I thought I was a good judge of character. When I found out I’d gotten played by a very clever P, I was in such shock! The fact is, it could happen to anyone!
Oxy,
I’m 34 and CRSing right along side you! I chaulk it up to PTSD/ADHD and don’t let it scare me either. It gives me more to laugh at!
Dear Takingmeback,
I’m hyperactive as heck, always have been, but I never had any trouble “concentrating” in fact, I could successfully multitask since I was a little kid–my mom used to get so upset with me because I could read a book, talk on the telephone, watch TV and do my home work all at the SAME TIME when I was in high school.
When I had a job as a waitress during college they use to call me “roller skate” cause I could wait twice as many tables as anyone else and never even messed up an order. I always tried to “work smarter” not harder and one time I took a job as church secretary and was paid by the hour. The previous secretary spent 16 hours a week getting the bulletin out, I got it down to two hours—then it dawned on me I was “cheating” myself out of 14 hours pay! ha ha Of course the “multitasking” came in really handy when I was nursing at bedside or taking 30+ patients a day in family practice clinic as an advance practice nurse.
Now, I can only “juggle” one ball at a time and if I try really had I can keep it off the floor MOST OF THE TIME. Sounds are very distracting to me now and I used to be able to “tune out” just about any outside noise and not let it bother me. Since my husband’s death I can’t concentrate if there is someone in the room talking to someone else, or a radio or TV playing.
I’m not sure why the noise factor still bothers me, but fortunately Ilive in the sticks where there isn’t a lot of distracting noise. Last summer when I was away from home, with car noises near by and other people living within “noise” range it was very distracting. I’m not sure if it is the PTSD or just what, but I am definitely different in the way I function now than I was then.
I stumble over words, not stuttering exactly, but “word finding difficulty”—simple words like “tree” I forget what they are. I can see the objecct but not find the word. I’ve had cranial MRIs etc and there is no stroke or other damaage apparent but I have noticed the problem, and if I am stressed it goes up. I used to be a dynamic and relaxed public speaker and now I’m not, plus, I have “lost my confidence” in most public forums in speaking.
I can still type almost 100 wpm and don’t have as much problem with the written words as I do with the spoken word as far as finding a word, although I seem to have more typos now than I used to and don’t always remember to use spell check before I post.
At least now though, I am able to say “Oh, that’s just how it is” and not to freak out about it any more. My therapist was I think surprised that my IQ test didn’t show I was lower on the totem pole than I was because vocabulary is probably the best indicator of intelligence and my vocabulary (at least the spoken one) is definitely not what it was before the plane crash. But now that I am retired it really doesn’t make a hill of beans, I’m not trying to make a living with my mouth any more and my critters don’t care if I stumble over my words as long as I get the feed bucket rattling and they can HEAR THAT no matter what I say! LOL
I really just want to tell you how good you are at seeing to the core of things and how well you express yourself. You are an amazing young woman and I am so glad tht you came here to LF. Your posts have been so uplifting and I have really enjoyed them. Thanks for sharing with us all.
Now what is CRS?
:o)
Can’t remember sh–. I think we need to start a dictionary on here for all these sayings LOL.
The definition of CRS is about the ONLY thing I CAN REMEMBER! LOL
Oxy,
Thanks so much. I can only hope my words are helpful to others as much as others’ have been helpful to me. Oxy you have been such an amazing part of my recovery. If you only knew. Your words and the loving way you speak/write to all of us has such a positive effect. It just causes those ripples and, as a result, I’m able to do what I can to give back as well. That wasn’t always the case.
What you described about yourself is like having someone describe me. I used to be the multi-tasker and now it’s one thing at a time. Once the overachiever running circles around others. Now my former supervisor says I’m becoming the zen master of the office. Little does she know I can’t do it all like I used to so I have slowed down considerably.
I can still get hyperactive but the meds calm most of that down. My word recall isn’t so quick. Sometimes the word just doesn’t come and other times it just takes longer but eventually comes. My writing is suffering and it takes me much, much longer to write and there will still be mistakes no matter how many times I review something with my own eyes. Noise continues to be problematic from time to time. At work I have always used a fan or white noise machine, even when doing paperwork as any distraction is difficult. I also let my vm pick up much more often now as I can’t pick up the phone in the middle of writing a note or doing something else and then be able to return where I left off. It’s much harder now. So in between tasks I end up answering phone calls. Otherwise, whatever was interrupted gets pushed aside and easily forgotten.
I am OK with these things for the most part. I did cry a little while ago though as sometimes it just hits home. I don’t know if these things will ever improve but I can live just fine if they don’t. I can manage. It’s just hard at 34 to see any decline in functioning. But I am blessed that I can do what I can do.
I have read more on ADHD and PTSD. I can trace a timeline to get close to when my symptoms started. It appears more likely that I’ve had PTSD from childhood abuse and ADHD developed as it went untreated. I read some information lately that described me to a “t” and described just how this happens. In fact, I had just been telling a co-worker how throughout my whole life I have been told at various times that my facial expressions and sometimes tone are interpreted completely different than what I’m actually thinking and feeling. For example, someone may think I’m upset when I’m not and it’s so frustrating sometimes to convince someone I’m truly OK. Apparently, mismatch between facial expression and thought or mood is a symptom common in childhood PTSD. I have had to work on that forever so people don’t take me the wrong way.
All in all, I know PTSD can affect our brain functioning. I did extraordinarly well over the years but with the last two traumas I’ve experienced, since first being diagnosed with PTSD, those traits listed above have set in. Some were there but quite minimally and nothing like they are today. Nothing that ever caused a change in my functioning or were so obvious to me as they are now. They were improving after the trauma in 2005, but have become even worse since this last trauma with the S. I pray that it heals. But like I said, I am able to work with it and it doesn’t change who I am. It gives me more to laugh at most of the time. I also don’t know how my overdose could have caused any further damage either. I am lucky that I am still here. Mixing anti-anxiolitics with alcohol along with anti-depressant and anti-epileptic meds. ..I am lucky. I thank God that I am doing as well as I am. So with that I will rejoice and think of it no further for tonight.
You are a treasure dear Oxy. I thank God for having the chance to get to know you. I am a better person for it.
Love,
“Lucy”
P.S. The lengths of my posts are another thing. I struggle with being concise LOL.