by AlohaTraveler
How many of us have a list, or know someone who does, of the ideal qualities we are looking for in THE ONE? I think these lists can sometimes cause us to miss out on someone quite wonderful because we get so attached to a check list. But that’s another topic. I have a different kind of list. It could be called the list of EXACTLY what I DO NOT want in a life partner! This list has helped me to heal and come to terms with the reality of the Bad Man.
While going through my things this morning, I found a piece of binder paper with a list I had written about the Bad Man in the early stages of my healing. It was written sometime within the first year after I had left him. The list represents a free flowing string of words and phrases that describe the Bad Man.
Before I found LoveFraud, I was aware that my thoughts of the Bad Man seemed to swing back and forth between never wanting to hear from him again to hoping somehow he would learn, apologize and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t totally understand why this was so and it was perplexing, given my descriptive list.
Bad Man was not the clever sociopath that many of the readers here talk about. Don’t get me wrong. He was very smart and charismatic. But I didn’t get blind sided or robbed behind my back like many readers. He was fairly abusive and inappropriate in the first few weeks though he used all of the customary word games and mind tricks. Still, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that I put up with way too much right from the get-go. Looking back, in what context would name calling ever be okay?
Reality Checks
Bad Man wasn’t all flowers and charming words. I got flowers. I got love notes. But for the most part, the list below describes him best. I wrote this list for myself to use as a means of staying in touch with reality when I felt my heart softening again for him. When I had those moments, I went to my list to remind myself of the destructive, abusive, nightmare that he truly was. Now, I find it amusing how well I was describing a narcissist or a borderline without the understanding I have now of personality disorders.
A second paper I found contained the transcription of his last four text messages to me before I called my cell phone carrier and asked the operator to cut the line. I will never forget the tears of relief as I watched the lights go out on my cell phone. At the top of the page of verbal venom, I wrote, “Words to remember you by.” These messages were hateful, vicious, twisted, and untrue. Every six months or so, I run across these two papers. They don’t really hurt me now. Each time I read them, I see more clearly the pathology driving the Bad Man. For some reason, I save these pages. I haven’t included the text messages in this article because they are very personal attacks on me and no one would benefit from reading them. I certainly didn’t. Still, I save them because reading those hateful messages makes it totally clear that I made the right choice in leaving him and eventually going No Contact.
To Stay on Track, Be Honest with Yourself
I have a gentle suggestion for anyone that is still struggling with that feeling of wanting the pathological abuser/exploiter back. Create your own list using words that describe what happened to you like this:
Bad Man/Woman = constant liar, cheater, infantile, fraudulent, etc.
Use the words that ring most true for you. Then tuck away your list in a place where you can access it whenever you feel yourself getting off track. Or, if you are really struggling, post it on the bathroom mirror or keep it in your purse for instant reality checks! Read it over and over, as often as you need. Use the list to replace those moments of longing.
My list helped me many times in the early days. Whenever I run across the list, I read it through. It reminds me to be thankful for my life for what it is, and what it isn’t, today.
Here is my list.
Introducing… the Bad Man
Controlling
Manipulative
Hypocritical
Attacks me
Judges me
Does not see himself
Isolates me
Name calling
Spin Doctor
Secret Abuser
Advises and “counsels” me on “anger issues” but does not control his own anger
Self Righteous
Inflated Super Ego
Cheap
Selfish
Petty
Twisted
Omits the truth
Manipulates people
Inappropriate
No boundaries
Uses People
E-mail bombs
Possessive
Scares Me
Emotional Abuse
Mind F***
Perverted
Gee, I wonder why I don’t miss him. NOT!
The Truth, a Lesson, and Peace
Imagine if the Bad Man’s personal dating profile was the list above. He doesn’t sound very appealing does he? This, of course, is not how he describes himself. That is why it is important to write down the truth. I wrote my list in one of those raw, painful moments, standing on the edge of “the Fog” as we say. My list is me, speaking to… me. It is the rope I clung to whenever I started to dangle over that black hole again.
The list is the TRUTH.
In the days when I still missed him, it was all about the fantasy of the Bad Man, the great seducer. Today, I am learning to pay more attention to what I see and not so much to what people say. This is fundamental to restoring faith in myself because I let myself down. I need to trust myself to assess a situation and trust what I see (ie.: intimidation, blame shifting, hypocrisy, etc.). I need to stand up for me when life calls for it. No one should be able to talk me out of my instincts to protect myself and my spirit. That was far too easy in the past. This was one of the lessons I needed to learn.
If you chose to do an exercises like my list, it may bring up a lot of pain but ultimately, it is meant to bring you clarity and eventually peace. When I look at this list today, I feel peaceful knowing that I left this man in the dust. There was no other choice.
Dear “Lucy”
If I didn’t know that I didn’t give up a baby for adoption 34 yrs ago, I would think you were my child! LOL
I have also had trouble since adulthood (and who knows, maybe in childhood) of having my facial expression misinterpreted. That is interesting that it seems to be the same in someone else as well.
My oldest son C has really really really ADHD, and was definitely a challenge to raise alive—he climbed trees to remarkable heights as a small child—yet he is a master machinist and does highly intricate work with great precision and loves it.
He’s a really good guy, but definitely not “mainstream” the way he sees things. He notices every little detail of anything. We always laughed at him that if he were describing a football field to someone who had never seen one, he would start out describing every INDIVIDUAL BLADE OF GRASS—-LOL
He learned to handle his hyperactivity well, though I did put him in private school from 4th grade on. He is reliable and a very hard working man, very responsible, and has a very caring and giving heart. He’s an awesome guy.
I only had him on Ritalin for about a week, bt then took hi off and put him on a very restricted Feingold diet, which helped a great deal. I never told him he was on the diet for behaivor, I told him his allergy doctor had put him on it, and it believe it or not CLEARED UP HIS ALLERGIES. He was always the kid with a chronic snotty nose and sinus infection (or family curse) and it cleared up completely with the diet. It is better now as he is adult but he still does have some problems with it since he is no longer on the diet. He stayed on it voluntarily until high school. It also included no cow milk and in those days you couldn’t get goat milk in the store so we bought goats and squeezed teats!
The diet is diffcult for most moms to keep their kids on but he was entirely cooperative and I worked very hard at it, making his ketchup—did you know it takes a bushel of tomatoes to make one quart of ketchup? I made his pickles, candy, and many other things. I did not put the family on the diet, just him, cause I figured he needed to get used to the diet and that not everyone else in the world would be on it, so he needed to learn to handle that.
When he went away to camp, I packed frozen goat milk in pints and he lived on fried eggs, bread and milk for the week he was at camp every year. He loved camp, so didn’t mind at all.
He had trouble at an early age with ANY audio distractions, so the private school I had him in was a very quiet one. I never seemed to have audio distractions as a kid, and as ADHD as I was I excelled in school, ordiinary classroom, was never a behavior problem, etc. Not antsy or squirmy like a lot of the ADHD kids. But I talked fast, moved fast, and was always on the go…I don’t know if there is such a thing as just HYPERACTIVE and not “Attention deficit,” but that seems to be what I was. He was definitely both.
Now I am definitely attention deficit, and the hyperactive, like you said, I have tried to slow down, and take things a bit slower rather than try to keep up the rat pace I used to do.
I still get impatient and want things done “yesterday” but that I think is just “internal” type A stuff. I really get “high” on accomplishing goals for things I want to do. Learning to just “relax” and “chill” has been difficult for me but I am working on it daily. I sometimes hear a “guilt” tape running in the back ground if I am just “goofing off” (i.e. not accomplishing something useful).
My son D is a really laid back young man and he has helped me learn to “chill”—that helps a lot. He came to me a while back and “ordered” me to paint a picture—so that was why I started remodeling the “stuido” space! Still haven’t painted the picture but I am now almost done with the remodeling job (tomorrow or another day ought to finish it up) LOL
There are so many similarities of the various emotions that we all go through as a result of the trauma from the Ps, and it is amazing that they are so similar, but at the same time, there are enough differences between people that they are never exactly the same. I think the CHRONIC stress I was under for nearly five years now, starting in Oct O3 when my step father was diagnosed with the cancer, and then in July 04 when my husband died, etc etc. Plus, I had changed jobs twice in the two years prior to my dad’s diagnosis (once when my beloved job at the college had been downgraded to part time, and the second time when I had gone to work for a P boss, that lasted 6 months, then another job a year before my husband died. So add up al the points of Holmes and Reye stress scale I scored something like 1500 in 3 yrs, and another 1500 the 2 yrs after that. I think that sort of puts me over the “top” a bit since 300 points in two years is a “max out”—oh, and I had 3 serious life-threatening infections, and 3 surgeries, two systemic drug reactions—and a partridge in a pear tree! LOL
So, I definitely can say “INSANITY R ME” but I’m a tough old boot and I am still flapping my tongue!
Now that the worst of the chaos is well behind me, I am starting to see the positive aspects of it all and living P-FREE for the first time in my life is a new and adventureous road for me. There ae still “ah ha” moments when I realize some great truth that has been right in front of my eyes and I was unable to see it before, but those are great times (mostly) and so I feel uplifted when I recognize these things, and how much God has blessed me with so many wonderful blessings.
blondie: go easy on yourself. i was with a s/p who was married (i was with him BEFORE he was married, but i left the city and he got her pregnant and stayed with her, then he begged me to come back, saying he never loved her and was only with him because of the kids,and after a year of his charm, i gave in) … so i knew about all the lies he told her every day. THEN after five years (or way less — who knows) he starts not only cheating on me AND his wife, but starts having another relationship. THREE! so his wife is played against me, i’m played against his new girlfriend, and god only knows what the hell he told her (and she’s pregnant now, too!).
talk about drama, eh!? and after six years together again, he never even apologized.
so… my point is … these s/p’s are capable of ANYTHING and it is NO REFLECTION ON US! they will say or do anything to get what they want.
mine finally told me about all his lies (“i swear on my mother (deceased less than a year) i’m not cheating”), but then lied some more.
they belong in one place — OUT OF OUR LIVES. let someone else deal with the constant head-games. my mind is twisted enough … and i’m struggling daily to untwist it.
i too want back every second i spent loving him, every minute i spent waiting for him, every penny i spent buying him stuff, every morsel of food i ever cooked just for him. ain’t gonna happen.
they are their own worst enemy. they are soulless, empty users without one bit of conscience or real emotion.
i feel better knowing that he’s spilling ginger ale all over HER carpet and not mine! just that alone makes me feel better.
if i wanted an insolent teenager, i’d have birthed one!TOWANDA!!!!
question to all:
haven’t read much about this, but my understanding is that once a s/p leaves you for another source they never look back. i got an email yesterday (after three weeks) from my ex, telling me i should have accepted what he did (yea, RIGHT!) and he would have stayed with me too. of course, i didn’t write back and deleted the email. but i was certainly surprised to get it. his new gf is pregnant and he made it very clear that ”she’s the one i’m meant to be with.”
so, do they have a tendency to return or is this unusual? i know it’s more manipulation, but to what end?
any ideas?
lostingrief thank you for understanding where im coming from.
blondie…
we’re all coming from the same place. one of the most amazing things to me on this blog is the commonality of experience we all have with these demons. you’re among friends … and supporters … here.
i’m relatively new (3 weeks now) and i would have lost my mind without all of you!
Dr. James Carver (I think that is his name) on counseling resources website has a good article on this and why they maintain contact from time to time. To sum it up, it is because they want to check in to assure themselves you are still available to use and abuse, to keep you on back burner in case they ever need you for anything else. You’re their back up plan. I think I saw the link someowhere on this site, but if not, someone here probably has it, or I’ll see if I can locate it.
thanks jen:
i’m his back up plan??? AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! LMAO.
he’s in for a sorry surprise if he thinks that.
i’ve never wanted to be further away from anyone in my life.
it’s a damn shame he got me to rent an apt. five blocks from his work and two blocks from his mom’s apt. right smack in the middle of his world. and i hear his new gf lives within a few blocks of here too. no matter. he’s dead to me. and good riddance.
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lostingrief,
When mine left, he never looked back. But I had told him I never wanted to see him again. I even tried to send him an angry email a few days later and it bounced back. That is the day after he sent me an email saying “I hope we can work this out.” (Crazy)
He did follow me around at a snake show a few weeks later and stood very close to me several times. This is when my friend jabbed him in the crotch with a snake hook (forgive me but I bust up laughing every time I tell this story). He left the show after that, and I have never heard from him again, though he posts regularly on our mutual reptile website. He pretends I don’t exist. I’m sure he has moved on. I don’t know if he has another gf yet outside of his marriage, but he seems to be filling the emptiness with an addiction to new snakes. He has spent thousands and has acquired 10 snakes in 3 months. It’s actually kind of creepy. I worry about the snakes if he ends up in prison or kicked out of the army.
I obsessed over him quite a bit after the reptile show, even though I had ignored him there. I fantasized that he was missing me and that he loved me after all. Fortunately, a very wise counselor (before I found this site) told me it was a power play and NOT a sign of love. I know how easy it is though to second guess their motives. You ask yourself, “how can he not miss me?”
I’m happy to report that as of today, there is absolutely nothing he could say or do that would make me want anything to do with him again. If he showed up at my doorstep with a bouquet of roses and his divorce papers in hand from his wife, I would shut the door in his face. There is no longer a shadow of a doubt, not a chance, not a hope….nothing! He is history in my life. I still have some PTSD to deal with after the fact. I am not ready to date, and I’m much less trusting of men, especially on the internet. But I don’t feel obsessed with him any more. Thank God. Not that I’m done with the healing by any means. But it’s more personal and not so much about him any more.
That link is:
http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html
It is a Part One and Part Two article. Part Two covers the dangerous version of the loser and why those with PD often try to keep in some form of contact.
hi star: i hear ya’. very similar experience here. i also have ptsd (my second bout with this malady) and will being seeing a counselor this week (i should send him the damn bill! he’s STILL costing me money!). he better never look back. i’m very angry but certainly not as weepy. the only thing that makes my healing difficult at this point is feeling incredibly inadequate because his new gf is half my age (and probably half my weight). can’t compete with that. makes me feel bad about myself. AND, he’s very much around my neighborhood all the time. i hope i NEVER see him.
i’m not ready to date either. the thought is horrible. i hope i can work through this anger. everytime i see a gorgeous, young latina girl (his wife AND his new gf) on the street, i get furious and start being rude to people. i don’t want to be that way. in this way, he still has some control. it’s not me. i want to be my loving, fun, open-hearted self, but i’m sure not there yet.
peace to all.