By | February 21, 2014 82 Comments

A sociopath asks, ‘Why should we change?’

Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received this email in response to a previous article written by a self-proclaimed sociopath.

I’ve read the article titled A sociopath claims, ”˜We are the uniquely gifted,’ and most of replies to it.

First of all I’d like to make clear that the author of that letter is narcisisstic and quite delusional as he thinks himself some kind of superhuman. But apart from that, most of the things he said are true.

Wouldn’t you use the so called ‘gift’ of manipulation if it ensured you got what  you wanted if the goal was otherwise unattainable? After all, it is you who let us manipulate you.

From replies you can clearly see that people are afraid and that’s the first sign of weakness a sociopath would spot. And I must say I’m disgusted by comments such as this: “I say put ’em all together on a tiny little island and they can lie as intelligently as they please and prove how gifted they are to EACH OTHER!!!”  Is this what I’m supposed to show pity to?In reply to the comment I say that most sociopaths are clever enough not to try it on each other. Even if we do, it’s more of a game than anything else.

Second of all, saying that we can’t feel love is a shameless lie. We are capable of loving, only it’s in our nature to be suspicious, so it takes time to form a real relationship. Only because you haven’t proven to be worthy of it, doesn’t mean someone else won’t. Claiming that we’re uncapable of being in a relationship or being parents is offensive.

And making a group that demonises us doesn’t exactly give us a reason to ignore our abilities so you could lead happier lives.

Other than that I believe that the idea of us being ruthless, merciless and such, unfortunately comes from our own circles, as some individuals, such as the man who wrote the article, can’t help but brag about his ‘gifts.’ Highly functioning sociopaths won’t let you know what they are, nor will you be able to recognize them in a crowd.

I don’t understand why you put criminals, killers and lunatics as an example of a sociopath and psychopath as most of us are intelligent enough not to ruin our own lives by 1st exposing ourselves and 2nd engaging in a criminal activity. Most of those criminals have far worse diagnosis than sociopathy and psychopathy to go along with these.

And lastly, why should we change? I always looked down on people my age, and as a result I used to read 5 books a week from when I was 10. I still read a lot and am working on improving myself as well as my ‘abilities’ as I admit I have no respect for today’s society in which you’re judged as a freak as soon as anyone realizes you’re too intelligent to watch ‘Big brother’ like the rest of the ‘normal’ crowd.


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I’ve wondered few times, as I read articles and comments about sociopathy and psychopathy, whether the old Fairy Tales that we still recognize (even though they get severely watered down or “bowdlerized” by Disney and other re-tellers) perhaps served a larger function than mere entertainment for children? I think that the old Fairy Tales, particularly in their original forms, were primers for teaching children some valuable life-lessons, including how to see beyond the surface, and discern true goodness or real badness (genuinely evil intentions) in others.

Or, in other words, how to spot psychopaths.

So many Fairy Tales have the Ancient Crone or the Old Man whom the hero/heroine encounters and treats kindly, and the dusty, wrinkled, ragged old party turns out to be a Good Fairy in disguise who gives the hero/ine valuable advice, a secret word or a magic talisman that is crucial to achieving their quest.

And in a lot of Fairy Tales, the evil villain will wear a disguise too; Snow White’s stepmother, the Evil but beautiful Queen, disguises herself as an old woman in order to kill SW. The hungry Wolf disguises himself as Red Riding Hood’s grandmother, in order to get RR to come close to him so he could seize her and eat her.

Fairy tales and folk tales do not shy away from depicting parents who are hateful, selfish, lazy, greedy, and actively malicious towards one of their own children, or siblings who are jealous of and violent toward their own brother or sister, who turns out to be the hero or heroine.

I came across a scholarly article on folk and fairy tales, that mentioned that in a lot of the original versions of classic Fairy Tales, its the bio-mother, not the “step-mother” who is evil and trying to destroy her own child. But story-tellers like Anderson and the Brothers Grimm and others understood that *that* concept might cut too close to the bone to be entertaining, and so tended to switch the original unmotherly bio-mom for an “evil step-mother”. (I think it was in the original version of Hansel and Gretel that it was their own bio-mother who told the children’s bio-father to take H&G out into the woods and kill them, but he couldn’t do it, so he just “lost” them instead.)

Nowdays, Fairy Tales are considered too violent and too politically incorrect to share with children, but I think the sheer endurance of fairy tales over the centuries (even over the millinnea; some European fairy tales are based on early Greek and middle-eastern mythologies) says something about the messages they carry: they must be valuable messages even if they are “politically incorrect.” And one of those messages is that evil people do exist, and you need to be able to tell who they are by their actions, not by their beautiful or handsome or appealing exterior. And sometimes, the evil person trying to harm you or use you is your own parent or sibling.


Babs94540 – hey, I’d never considered that! It could be true. I remember all the fairy tales with lots of ‘wolves in sheeps’ clothing’ and vice versa. Maybe we should concentrate on them more nowadays. We should read them to our children and, more importantly, discuss them afterwards relating them to the modern day equivalent.


Dave, work on yourself first so you won’t need another persobn to “comlete” you.


I do believe the most difficult part of living/loving a psychopath is accepting the evil in the souls of these individuals. Despite what this person says about resenting the fact that psychopaths are compared to the worst of the worst we lock up like Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. I have a news flash for him. “White collar” crime is rampant in our culture. They are just smart enough to fly under the radar under most law enforcement agencies. My former husband did just this. I found out over a year after he moved out what financial deeds he had been involved with and failed to share with me. Smarter just means they are unlikely to be caught. Robert Hare in his book “Without Conscience” noted that the ones he interview in prison were the “not so bright” psychopaths.


Hope, I agree with you. These “white collar” monsters stay just one step inside the law, or at least making sure they never have to pay any consequences for their actions. A short time after my ex discarded me, a friend alerted me to articles in the local press about some harassment and other issues that had been going on for some time (for at least several years of our relationship), up to and including him causing others to lose their jobs. He left that job as part of a “deal” to avoid consequences, but several women’s careers and financial lives were sidetracked as a direct result of his twisted (and illegal) behavior. They eventually did get compensated, at the taxpayer’s expense with no consequence to him. I now suspect that he might have done the same thing at previous jobs but it was kept quieter. I was able to contact and speak to these women, since I had worked at the same place previously (where I had met him) and learned a lot more about his “antics”. I am disgusted and sickened that the system continues to allow these monsters to escape without consequences because it is cheaper to settle than to prosecute. Those women received compensation for their harm, however, it has taken me another couple of years to disentangle myself with him financially and I have lost pretty much everything. But now I have my freedom.


Hope – I am so encouraged by your and HanaleiMoon’s healing and revelations. I feel like we are soul sisters as our marriages and situations sound so similar. Towards the end I didn’t even want ANYONE new that I met to know I was married to him. The last few years I despised him but hung in thinking he may make some money to put towards the financial craziness he put us in. Now at this point in my life – I have never had less materialistically but I am beyond abundant in my contentment and sense of self, now that he has been out of my life almost 2 years. This site has made sense of my questions and helped me bypass the self blame game. I have a loving and forgiving set of friends and family although many have no idea of what my life with the Lunatic involved – nor would I even bother to explain. They just knew they didn’t like him – and that is putting it mildly! Thank you for your insight, strength and sharing. It has fast tracked my healing and I am blessed to say in my new life that I am one incredibly happy gal.


The most important steps any of us can take is to become aware of the red flags and pay attention to the “actions” of this other person. Many times when I reflect back to my disastrous marriage of 17 years to a psychopath, I remember all of the behaviors I “overlooked.” I chose to over look these horrible deeds done by my ex husband. Of course, they are selling your the goods on this hard and fast. Bottom line these individuals lie to us ALL OF THE TIME. Ignore the make up sex and focus on the realty. Go by the Rule of threes: “one lie, one broken promise – a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. THREE lies you are dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Do NOT give your time, money or affection to a three timer.” The Sociopath Next Door – Martha Stout.


Hope, I too overlooked so much and looking back can pinpoint so many red flag moments where I should have walked. I now realize how effectively he used cognative dissonance to keep me hooked. At that time, I’d never even heard of the term. Much, much later I found journal entries I had made on my ipad and forgotten about, and the pain and confusion in my writing broke my heart – but what is chilling is that those entries were completely forgotten about because his next move was always something wonderful and sweet. My therapist saved my sanity when she told me “you didn’t know what he was doing because he didn’t want you to know, and he was that good”.


I would also suggest reading Sandra L Brown’s book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”….good for men to read also! This book sits next to my bible. It is my “bible” for understanding not only how I was “conned” for so many years, but it explains me to me. This is the recovery part of living with a disordered person. Answering the question “why” did I allow this to happen to me? Most of the time they are that GOOD and are the target from the very beginning. Slick con men. Our “role” is the “ying” to their “yang”. This creates the thunderous turmoil in your life that is overlooked because of your unique traits. I highly recommend this book to anyone that wants to become the “dragon slayer” of psychopaths and heal their soul. I am proud to proclaim I AM the dragon slayer!


Yes! This is the first book I found and my copy is well worn, highlighted and full of notes and post-it’s top, bottom, and side. The first year I carried it everywhere with me, and still now, it sits in the top drawer close at hand. There is no emphasizing how essential this book is to understanding and healing. I love the image of being a dragon slayer!


The problem with waiting for the proven lies to start coming out is, most are well into the relationship by the time this happens. The proven lie didn’t come out until the Big Fat One. Caught him with the girlfriend he kept telling me he didn’t want. My rule is..cancel on me once or change the times around without a good reason and my radar is up. Do it again with or without a good reason. Red Flag! Try it again…you’re done. Stand me up once…he better be in the hospital unconscious.


**** **** was confronted by **** for his Sociopath behavior. He refused to be rebuked for his 10 year affair. Rather than being confronted, he ran away. **** **** refused to be confronted and ran away. What I read about Sociopaths, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. **** **** does not want to change. Its good that he has been removed as **** Church in New York City. I hope he stays away.

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