Editor’s note: A reader who identified himself as a sociopath recently posted this comment on the Lovefraud Blog, and sent it to me in an email. I am posting this piece because it provides a good description of how sociopaths view themselves, and explains why they are quite comfortable taking advantage of the rest of us. Be sure to read the question I asked him, and his response, at the end.
We are uniquely gifted
“Sociopath” is a misleading word: it implies a disorder, something wrong and unnatural with the person, and this couldn’t be further from the truth. We, the people you refer to as sociopaths, have nothing wrong with us. We are instead, the uniquely gifted. Our gifts have been mischaracterized and maligned and it’s time someone set the record straight.
What the experts call superficial charm, I call having a natural ability to win friends and influence people. What experts call manipulative and conning, I call an affinity for persuasion based upon an innate ability to pinpoint others personality strengths and weaknesses. What the experts decry as a lack of compassion, I call pragmatism and clarity. What experts call a “problem with authority”, I call embracing personal power and celebrating the independent spirit. What experts call “delusions of grandeur”, I call self confidence and optimism. What experts call “shallow emotional affect,” I call freedom from the tyranny of irrational emotions. And finally, while the experts say that guiltlessness is a disorder (because it is the lack of guilt that separates the sociopath, psychopath and Machiavellian from the general population), I say it is the enhanced ability to do the things that build civilizations and keep societies going, the very things that the guilt afflicted shy away from. It is no coincidence that our lack of guilt so often comes with abnormally high intelligence and charisma.
We are born to lead and many of our traits support this conclusion. We are born knowing this and the rest of you know it when you see us. It is these very traits that make us necessary for the survival and success of the human species, especially since the dawn of civilization. It’s why you elect us, follow us, and often give your very lives by our command. Though we are found disproportionally in prisons we are found with even greater frequency in your governments, your corporations, your military. Who else but someone devoid of conscience could order thousands of soldiers to die, regardless of how noble the cause? Who can fire hundreds of workers to save a company from bankruptcy and then sleep peacefully that night? Who can so elegantly tell the lies that must be told, to protect the very people to whom the lies are told? It takes one of us to make those calls, the calls that the rest of humanity cannot make.
And yet a distressing number of us become the very thing you fear us all to be; criminals and abusers. This creates a cycle of ignorance, as all the “sociopaths” identified by the news are killers or wife-beaters, and so we identify this collection of gifts as evil, as pathological, and thus those of us in our proper roles feel the need to disguise ourselves for fear of being labeled evil. A similar cycle of ignorance has kept homosexuals oppressed for decades; homosexuality has been associated with child molesters and perverts, drug use and disease, and it was called “evil” for this.
We are not evil; you simply do not recognize the “good” ones as the same phenomena. Google “sociopath” and all you find are ways to recover from contact with a sociopath, information advising you to run from relationships with sociopaths, and misinformation that will claim that “sociopaths cannot feel love” or that we “cannot think of others as human beings” or that we are “parasitic”.
It is very distressing to discover, for a child who has always known that he was different, that he is a monster… that he is doomed to live a loveless life and become a criminal, that he will never be able to hold a job or raise a family. Indeed, one must wonder how often do one of us accepts the mischaracterization of our abilities and instincts as things to be repressed and rejected due to ignorance? How often do the young among our frequently demonized minority discover what he is, buys into the paranoid misinformation and simply does what he is expected to do, withholding from society the very qualities it needs and secretly wants to maintain itself and imprisoning himself in a state of confusion and needless pain as a result?
What is the so called sociopath? A sociopath is one of your potential leaders, labeled by the fearful and unreasoning masses as something sick and evil. “Sociopath” is a negative label which only serves to further alienate people who simply need to be allowed to embrace their gifts. Getting rid of this misleading term should be the first step towards fully understanding who we are and the role we play in this world. We are not the embodiment of a pathology. On the contrary; we are instead the uniquely gifted.
Editor’s note: I sent the author this question: “How do you justify lying and deception?” His reply:
Justify? Did you forget the “no guilt, no remorse” part already? We have no need to justify the lying, as we don’t see anything inherently wrong with it. Deception is merely a means to an end. Nor is it necessarily malevolent. We simply act in our own self-interest. We know what we want and the easiest way to get it. It’s a gift.
Clair and All,
I think one of the primary reasons for a spaths manipulations is image management. This takes many forms: having a wife and family, ‘seeming’- at times- to admit a fault (though NEVER changing a behavior), crying on cue…..nearly everything they do is in some manner a manipulation of other’s ‘perception’ of them. They don’t want anyone seeing what they really are. Image management is a HUGE piece of their con.
It’s what frustrates lots of LF folks, especially when they first break out of their relationships and are stuck with the ‘fact’ that many people cannot see through the spaths image management, to the disturbed people they are. It can drive one crazy, trying to figure out how to ‘out’ them.
This guy, who thinks he’s so brilliant, outs himself- to us. Because we can SEE the falseness of what he says about himself, about psychopaths- it’s obvious how screwed up his thinking and attitudes are.
In a spathy culture like we live in he may just sound really smart to people who don’t know a thing about personality disorders.
sigh…
Another thing I noticed about this character is how acute his or her arrogance is. That second paragraph contradicting everything “the experts” have to say about sociopathy is revealing. This person claims to know better than “the experts.” Such a smarty pants!
Yes, we are part of their image manipulation and they do see us as possessions. And yet, there is something more: they despise us. They project all of their own inadequacies on us.
This is why they scapegoat us. It’s a sad thing that they need us TO LOVE THEM, TO ADMIRE THEM, TO CARE ABOUT THEM, so badly and they know it, deep down inside. That’s why they call our love “a weakness”, it’s how they justify despising us. And yes, THEY DO JUSTIFY what they do. The liar in the post, just used different words to say, “because I can.”
His words were,
In other words, he can, because it’s easy.
Funny thing, I remember an incident where the spath wouldn’t tell me the course of action he was going to take. But I knew and got there ahead of him. He asked me, “how did you know which one I would choose?”
I looked at him, with a disdainful smile and said, “because it’s the easiest choice and you always pick whatever is easiest.”
He just stared at me. He hated being predictable but that’s all he will ever be. When you have a PD, it makes you PREDICTABLE. That’s why they call it a PD.
Thanks Mr. Uniquely Gifted, for proving once again how predictable and mundane the spaths are. Not so unique though.
😆
LP Marie:
Agree. It was brave & brilliant of Donna to post this.
IMO, “SP” is synonymous with parasite, leech and vampire.
“This guy, who thinks he’s so brilliant, outs himself- to us. Because we can SEE the falseness of what he says about himself”
Definitely, Slimone!
The SP posted to brag about how great his SPathology is, however, due to his SPathic Blindspot, he has hoisted himself by his own petard. We have unmasked him & we can SEE the empty void that lies within him. Due to that SPathic Blindspot, SPs think they can con everyone. But in reality, many people do see the truth & do see the mask.
SPs con themselves into believing that no one knows the truth about them. Oh, we know the truth, but often we won’t tell the SP the truth because we know they can’t change & we’d prefer to skip experiencing their Narcissistic rage. Those who have confronted SPs or Ns know well about the resulting rage.
LPMarie13,
Parasite, indeed! Because the spath is incapable of actually “living” with feelings, true emotions, and so forth, they are parasites – they must mirror what they believe to be appropriate responses and it almost always tells itself if we’re observant enough. The glib remarks that issue from the mouths of spaths are enough of a tell, but the rest of the patterns of their behaviors are almost 100% predictable. If we don’t respond to Plan A (pity), then it’s on to Plan B (lovebombing), and if that doesn’t work, it’s on to Plan C (divide & conquer), etc., and so forth.
The original poster’s arrogance has grown so large that he/she/it will certainly trip over it in the darkness of their own existence, soon enough – if the original poster is what they claim to be.
Woe betides the creature without remorse or empathy – empty, empty, empty existence full of parroting and mirroring, but never actually experiencing the actual joys and sorrows of LIVING.
“Another thing I noticed about this character is how acute his or her arrogance is.”
Yes! The Ns and the SPs are arrogant. For me, arrogance is a ’tell’ that someone may be an N or SP. And, they think we don’t see the arrogance and entitlement! Ns/Sps don’t see their arrogance and entitlement and therefore, are unaware as to how they reveal themselves.
“And yet, there is something more: they despise us. They project all of their own inadequacies on us”.This is why they scapegoat us”And yes, THEY DO JUSTIFY what they do.”
Truth and self reflection are anathema to the N/SP. They cannot handle the truth because they can’t admit to themselves what they really are.
“for proving once again how predictable and mundane the spaths are.”
Oh yeah! It’s not hard to anticipate how an N/SP will react and that’s why I used to walk on egg shells. But, now that I know what I’m dealing with, no more egg shell walking for me. They, like their evil, are banal. Perhaps the most extraordinary thing about Ns/SPs is their complete lack of self awareness.
“The glib remarks that issue from the mouths of spaths are enough of a tell, but the rest of the patterns of their behaviors are almost 100% predictable. If we don’t respond to Plan A (pity), then it’s on to Plan B (lovebombing), and if that doesn’t work, it’s on to Plan C (divide & conquer), etc., and so forth.”
love that, Truthspeak! And they think we don’t know, can’t see or can’t anticipate it! lol!
WOW! Truthspeak,
I quote you
Woe betides the creature without remorse or empathy ”“ empty, empty, empty existence full of parroting and mirroring, but never actually experiencing the actual joys and sorrows of LIVING.
Again, WOW! I am absolutely in awe of the above statement, so TRUE and in such poetic words.
That’s what I understood, Ox Drover. The love bombing only came into focus AFTER I knew all those other things. It was only true in retrospect. (Of course, if it had been really obvious love bombing, something ridiculously huge, it would have been a red flag right away.) Love bombing a few days before the realization was quite reasonably called generosity.
Similarly, decisiveness and toughmindedness, even the charm to make the sale, are pluses for leadership, but that doesn’t excuse using them for sociopathic ends.
We can all forgive ourselves for falling for the act at first, because the alternative is to be suspicious of all generosity, charm, and success in a person — all admirable traits. Sociopaths play all that in a different key, and I know very well that the difference is real and dangerous. (Apparently this guy doesn’t!) The difference may just be our gut feeling that this person isn’t right, despite all that charm and charisma . . . or waiting until the “red flags” really do kick in.
Generosity can be taken both ways. But gaslighting, in my opinion, is unmistakably insulting. What else could it be but a ploy? I can’t imagine it being on that list of powerful traits of leaders or lovers at all. Discovering the gaslighting changed my hindsight considerably. Suddenly — very suddenly — his generosity became love bombing, his quality as a good listener became a ploy, and all his reasonable-sounding stories became lies.
That’s the most painful part, if a person has invested a lot. All of a sudden, the blue sky was red all along.
So true, Clair. They don’t see that we see. It’s why I always observe that I seem to get the trainees, not the pros. Maybe there are no true pros, or they are rare.