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A springboard to a new life with a new mindset?

Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”

Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:

I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.

Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.

After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.

After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.

I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.

There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)

Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.

Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.

Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.

I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.

In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.

Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.

Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.

Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.

To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.



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472 Comments on "A springboard to a new life with a new mindset?"

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“Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.”

How very true. When we practice and acknowledge our personal wisdom and power we start to see others who will try again and again to gain some type of control connection with us. Anchor themselves in our hearts and mind. After this they will start to define us. Telling us how we think feel what we like and don’t like. In short do all our thinking and feeling for us. Only when we understand and acknowledge what is happening will we awake from this spell and then become “spellbreakers”. Any type of power over (dominance) another person is in short abuse. And any type of abuse should make one feel sick inside and repulsed by that person’s behavior for in short that person is really abusing the other person and/or persons.

Wow…6 weeks and she figured him out- that’s great. Especially since he was so “good” at playing good.
I note the game playing of putting “his women” in such close proximity…that is a red flag. Of course, you only realize that behavior after-the-fact. But a key difference between say a cheater who may think they love someone other than their spouse and a sociopath who “loves” the game not the people.
The normal straying spouse does not want to play cat-and-mouse, doesn’t get-off on the ruse.

Dominance is “hot” because I think we misread it as strength, leadership. I know, I did. I am keeping at bay a very narcissistic person and like any malignant narcissist their colors do eventually show- didn’t take long and I am so glad I have no ties to cut.

I keep saying this over and over, but will do it again, “THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE ON LOVE FRAUD”

In a series of insightful articles I thinkk this is one of the GREATEST if not THE greatest article here. WOW!!! Is all I can say.

“Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.”

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR THIS ARTICLE.

Oh yes Dr. Leedom….

Thank you for addressing this part of my question that I posed a few posts back…..

You are correct about the bonds and how painful and difficult they are to break. The unconscious and chemical aspects seem to be almost beyond control to overcome. I might add that I seem to suffer from chronic grief over the sociopath because of the highly intense and emotional relationship with her and of course the same can said about the intense and emotional relationship with my late wife and with her slow and painful terminal illness a few years prior, and with both, there was no closure. I also have examined if Stockholm Syndrome has played a part in the ongoing feeling of “loss/hate/love” that I feel despite over two years of NC.

Like you, I have come to despise traits such as dominance/control.. but I still have difficulty with charisma/charm/need for excitement/great physical beauty…. My socio had that in spades and it made for a very addictive combination….

When asked why has it been so difficult to let it go, or move on, my response would be “there was something about her”….and that’s true, whether it was real or not, it was REAL for me…. I had never met anyone that made me feel that way, (positive) and sadly I don’t think I ever will again. The “Hyde” side of her, I GLADLY say no one will make me feel that way again…. I have placed priorities in healthy attributes in a partner because that’s what I really want and need.

I do acknowledge just how powerful the “spell” they cast into our psyche is, and that ridding yourself of them and everything they ever said or did in your mind is about as easy as the addict walking away from the needle…..

But, I love the “tag” line
“Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.”
Whether I realize it or not, I have been practicing this for a long time now…….Thanks Dr. Leedom.

Dr. Leedom has helped my understand what is going on in my life. I have a sociopath (my daughter’s husband) that wants to dominate, control me and I don’t want to be controlled. I remember telling my daughter that her husband is not my boss, my authority, my controller. My daughter does not get that. She likes his dominance (at the present time) and calls it “leadership”.

Dr. Leedom has also helped me see how in a phonecall this week, my “friend” was trying to control and dominate me. The opposite position would be to listen to me or have empathy and try to understand me. Dr. Leedom has made this very clear in her post. This is very valuable for me to understand as I deal with the situations in my life.

Is there anything else you can do once you identify these power/dominance/control situations? My “friend” on the phone told me, why would anyone want to have control over you? He was trying to make me look foolish that I would ever think anyone would ever do that?!?

Wow… what a profound article. Truth, precisely spelled out and to the point.

Well written Dr. Leedom.

I think future generations need to be taught and warned about the illusions of dominance and that it is not the powerful, take charge, in control illusion of how one should live their lives or be surrounded by those who possesses such charm and charisma … aka the true power is of those qualities of peacefulness, calmness, tranquility along with love and all that love includes is the correct way to conduct and live one’s life.

Peace.

I agree Ox-this article was JUST what I needed to hear today to justify that I am NOT crazy–although I certainly feel like it lately. I have actually caught myself asking myself that everyday lately. I have been a mess lately.
If any of you have followed my posts, I have gone back and forth with NC for a while since I have been posting. The longest was 27 days I think, and now it is 19 days again. I can’t sleep without waking up every hour, I dream about him every single night, he is the FIRST thing on my mind in the morning, and he DOES NOT leave my mind for more than a minute each day, literally. I feel like there is something wrong with me, and it feels like it is getting WORSE, NOT better with time. I am functioning, slightly enough to wake up and work each day, but then I either go out and party all night or diappear in my bedroom until the next day. I feel like I am living in a dream, a nightmare, and I can’t wake up. My entire life is being affected very badly. I just have so much bitterness and confusion. I know about the grieving process, and I know “it will get better in time,” but I am so overwhelmed with anxiety and bitterness and regret. I hate that I am completely obsessing over him, and I am probably long forgotten. I just want to foget he existed, but then I just can’t let go.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m completly lost and crushed.
Advice…please…and maybe a shoulder to cry on

I agree, this is a great article.

However, considering the fact that 96-98% of the population aren’t sociopaths, it is important not getting paranoid.

Don’t get me wrong, it is very healthy to have our guards up. But what I have done after my experience is to read, read and read. And the consequence of this is seeing a sociopath “behind every bush” so to speak.

However, I can relate to all the mentioned parts in the post. Especially that about brain chemistry. It is quite interesting, and I do believe that it’s closely related to a built-in survival mechanism and hence the Stockholm Syndrome.

Being a smart guy with lots of confidence, I was sure there was something wrong with the female sociopath and dumped her after 3 months. Even after 3 months it was very hard to do it. In a sense I was a winner by doing that. Unfortunately she reeled me in again using her crocodile tears and took away nearly all of my self-confidence, making me almost lose my job (hey – I have always been a high performer in the workplace!).

As Robert Hare writes, they leave a trail of broken lives behind them. But as I have seen in another post, issues that led to the sociopathic encounter surfaced and can now be dealt with. I am convinced that I will become a stronger person because of this.

Outlining these three parts is extremely useful. One way to look at your sociopathic relationship is as a confirmation of your very good character traits. I can identify to the point with Leedom’s statement “Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts.”

mrniceguy…

Any way you slice it, the facts remain the same… sociopaths are very clever and the damage they cause, mentally, emotionally, and physically, last a long time and it’s up to us to reclaim our lives…. to our benefit, we actually gained wisdom, knowledge, and discernment to add to the positive character traits we already had that the sociopath envied… I have rectified the issues of vulnerbility, gulliblity and a eager to please attitude on my part that lead to my socio encounter….But more strongly stated….the next time someone comes into my life from out of no where, who seems way too good to be true… saying and doing all the right things at all the right times with charm and flattery….. I will be watching very closely….. very closely indeed.

What a great and thought-provoking article. I too ended my relationship with the sociopath very early, after 2-1/2 months. However, quite a bit of damage had been done by that point. I’m thinking about the whole “dominance” theory and whether I have always been attracted to dominant men. I never even really considered the sociopath “dominant”. He seemed like such a gentle and humble person. But now that I think about it, he really did take charge of what he wanted with me. He pursued me very readily. Though at the beginning, I kidded around about him being my “stalker”, I did enjoy the way he pursued. It would be sad to think that all people like this are sociopaths.

This guy really did cast some sort of a spell on me, and even after I figured out he was a pathological liar, I still felt this bond with him. For months, I felt this battle between my head and what I knew was the truth, and my heart that said love will conquer everything, even his lies. I followed my head, and slowly my heart has been following. The whole thing seems like a very bad nightmare with a strong feeling component that lingers.

Though the bond has weakened considerably in the last month, I still think if I saw him or spoke with him again, the feelings would come back. I don’t really understand it, and I hope I can feel this powerful feeling again with a normal human being some day.

I also think we misinterpret Dominance, especially if we’ve been socialized to look for a dominant person to balance our gender role as women. I’m speaking for myself really but some people grew up in similar environments as mine. It wasn’t cool to be an ‘assertive woman’ back many years ago and i still struggle to be assertive without offending anyone. LOL

I noticed something else about Dominating versus Powerful men (not to discount men’s experience with pathological women). It’s the way they stand. The way they sit. The way they occupy space in a room without consideration for other people. Maybe y’all have spoken of this before, I’ve only recently been following your blog. But the more space a man takes, the more he dominates that space and probably without conscious awareness.

For example, the guy I’m writing about would always stretch up his arms and hold onto the framing around a door, kinda like a gorilla in a tree. When he sat, he spread his knees as wide as politess would allow, showing his well-you-knows to his audience.

Maybe this is crackpot observation but I’ve started watching people’s body language and it seems to hold true to their attempt to dominate a group. I dont’ think most people are even aware that they’re relinquishing their space to the person who feels entitled to stretch his legs as far as he wants.

CZBZ

CZBZ-
so true! As soon as you mentioned that, immediately I pictured my x sitting on a couch with one leg crossed over the other, but sprawling out as much as possible. He always had the dominate presence over a group, and unfortunately, I admit that is what attracts me to these jerks. I like a dominant man, but I don’t pick the stand-up kinds of guys. Instead I pick the cocky, overly egotistical, powerful, controlling man that I have dated over and over again.

Dr. Leedom-
I definitely see the pattern of picking the ‘wrong guys,’ but I still find myself attracted to them over the ‘good guys.’ What can I do further to ‘dislike’ and be ‘disgusted by,’ per se, by these types of individuals? I just don’t know how to change my way of thinking. Is it in my own values and morales? Maybe I am being the hypocrite that I am so attracted to someone so shallow..? I would always call my x- shallow, manipulative,scumbag, empty, materialistic, but then I would STILL go back to him! Especially with seeing how he treated others, and his view of the world, to be perfectly honest, he sucks, as simple as that! Now I feel like the shallow one. UGH! I am so confused! These S’s and P’s are crazymakers!

Letgoletgod: You are in definite need of a pick me up. First suggestion … write a line down a piece of paper (yes, you’ll need more than one page) all your good qualities and things you don’t like about yourself. I bet you my last dollar, that the positive side will weigh out the negative side. That’s number 1 pick me up. # 2 … go with some close friends that you love and pick up new paint for your room. Get creative … get the cobwebs off ya hon .. your life is not over … actually, it’s just beginning … now that you know “they” exist. This pit fall isn’t the end all … quite the opposite. # 3 PUT SOME MUSIC ON AND SHAKE YOUR BODY AROUND … I don’t care how you look or that you think it’s beneath you or any of that nonsense , get your body moving … get your mind focusing on those oldies you used to love … kick your heels up, laugh, joke with your girlfriends … have a pajama party … make all the junk food that you haven’t dared to eat in years cause it packed on the calories … who cares, you’re gonna dance it and laugh it off anyway.

I don’t know what kind of music you like (Rock, Jazz, R&B, Blues, Classical) … but anything back in the 60’s MOTOWN, the Supremes, the BoxTops … Smokey Robinson … something that shakes and bakes you … get that groove going for yourself and bust yourself out of the dole drums.

It works … I swear it does … it works. Hey, who knows, maybe playing music every time you walk into your space will change the mood, no matter what mood you’ve got going there. Change it up a bit … don’t just sit and reflect … they are not worth it. I know, I know … easier said then done … but then again, I’ve been dealing with major psycho damage in my life 10 years this past July … and it goes back further than that … but they only did emotional damage … not the full out crash and burn stuff.

What I am saying … it does get better … you just have to push yourself over that hump … and it’s all a breeze after that.

Peace to your heart and soul during this time. It’s an awful, awful time … but there is better times in the future for you … I promise.

Thanks Wini. You are so absolutely right about the pick me up. I feel so low, lonely, crazy and empty. Just plain awful. I went out last night, and I was in a terrible mood, and all I wanted to do was go home and be alone to cry. I started thinking that i hate everyone around me, that I don’t fit in, (especially in such a big city- I live in San Francsico) and it made me more lonely and confused about what I am doing with my life. I am questioning everything these days. I’m just worn out. I have terrible anxiety, but I want to hide in my bed. I am running in circles. I just don’t know what to do that will make tomorrow be different than today. Just his name is consuming my mind.
I am in a state of denial right now. I still look at my phone hoping he’ll call. But he won’t, and I know I shouldn’t want him to.
The point is, I really don’t have any friends out here. I moved out here from the east coast (Florida) to live with my best friend, (my sister), and they moved back to new york where my family is originally from. I met him the first week I got here, so I spent all of my time with my sister or him. Now i have nothing. I work in a small office, and i don’t meet anyone my age (I’m 25, everyone is at least 35 or older). So when I go out, I just don’t connect with the same old & tiring people my age, so materialistic and fake. They are all the same. Where have all the wholesome people gone? Should I leave here to be with my family? I just don’t know. I left the east coast to get away from my first abusive s, so I don’t want start a pattern and to keep running every time a relationship doesn’t work, but it seems I can’t find my place here. It’s not even just about him, my entire life seems uprooted right now. I know that God put me in this situation so that I can sort out my life, but I only have this blog, and my family thousands of miles away to lean on. I am strong innside, though i seem to have misplaced any self-esteem or confidence. I do give myself credit for leaving my first x, who was so abusive (it’s been 1 year of NC), then living alone in a big city, but I can’t stop beating myself up. I feel negative with every thought. I think I need to see a cognitive therapist. My whole thought process is just messed and i know I just need positive influence and advice. I know I have a good life. I am loved and blessed. But I still feel so poisoned with his pure negativity. His name keeps playing over and over and over in my head.

Sorry, kinda wanted to vent there…I am acting like my story is differenent. But I have read all the posts, and I know that is far from the truth. I just wish that I could have my positive attitude back again. I just want peace again.

Letgo: I lived in San Francisco for 6 years when I was your age. I found it to be my spiritual home. I missed it and dreamed about going back many years after I moved to CO. I used to walk down to El Toro’s Taqueria on Valencia Street (no longer exists) or hop a bus up to Tennessee Valley Road and ride my bike to the beach there. I remember once walking through Golden Gate Park and stumbled upon a free concert with Santana and John Lee Hooker. Those were the days. I know the city has changed a lot in the last 20 years. But it still can be a magical place. When you’re down and lonely, though, the city can swallow you up and make you feel invisible.

San Francisco is also the mecca for all types of spiritual and healing centers. If you decide to stay there, could you find a church or support group? I think it’s really helpful at this point to be surrounded by loving people!!!!

Stargazer-
I know, Northern Califonnia is one of the most beautiful parts of the country, and i have this opportunity that many others will never have the chance, so that is why I am hesitatnt to leave. And I am bitter that I am letting him ruin this time for me. I am LETTING him, as I said, and I know that. I do feel invisible, and pretty darn lonely, though. I know tennesse valley, i’ve hiked around there before to the secret beach. Small world,huh? Free concerts in Golden Gate are definietly so much fun :)There are so many places I want to experience, but I have no one to share it with. i have ‘aquaintences’, but then again, we can find them anywhere. I want someone I can call and say, “can we just hang tonight?” I miss my sister 🙁 I miss the comfort. I can’t tell you how many times he made (an empty) promise to take me to all these pretty places with me. And guess what? Of course he didn’t mean it. I am so numb that EVERYTHING was a lie, and it hit me like a figgin’ bomb. Now I’m just lonely, confused, and well, I just feel lost in a dream. Completely invisible. Lonely, but surrounded by millions.
I’m scared that this is leading to a really deep depression.
I know, or I at least hope, I’ll get out of this stump I’m in, I just need time I guess. But damn, this is so hard…
Thanks 🙂 You guys are my comfort.

I’m so glad I came across this blog. I just last week got out of a 2 year relationship with what I now know was a sociopath. I met him in graduate school, and he was smart and driven. He was living with his son and the mother of his son. He maintained that they were not together, and were only living together for their son, and he was moving out soon. Well, after school ended he would come to visit me in Philadelphia (he lived in Boston) about twice a month. He always brought gifts and did things around the house to keep me “safe”. I was 24 when I started dating him, and he seemed to really have it together. (He was 29 when we met). After almost a year, I made it clear that we could no longer see eachother if he was still living with his ex-girlfriend. I see this now as a huge glaring red flag, but he had me convinced that they were both seeing other people and it was on the up and up. He then moved to Philadelphia to be closer to me. I was thrilled at first that he was making this step. He even proposed to me right before he moved here, but I thought it was way too fast and told him so. Then the emotional abuse began. He made me feel guilty for seeing my friends, would follow me to catch me cheating which I never did. Also, he read some of my emails, one from a guy named Mike, and planted flowers on my doorstep when he was coming over with a note from “Mike” to try to catch me in a lie. There’s so much more, but that’s the gist. At this point I was so wrapped up in him that I honestly believed that I needed him. He took pride in “taking care of me”. All this while, he would travel once or twice a month to Michigan to visit his son. Both he and his ex-girlfriend had moved there when he moved out and to Philadelphia. Out of nowhere one day, a year after he’d been here, he told me he needed to be closer to his son and moved to Chicago. This happened in the span of four days. I was devestated, but he continued to call and visit and tell me he wanted to make things work. He was here last week and talked about moving back to Philly and even applied for jobs here. He’s a chef, so it’s easy for him to move around and find a job. He checked his email on my computer and I guess did not log out because the next time I opened it, his email popped up. Normally, I would never read someone’s personal email, but there were postings and responses for anonomyous sex from craigslsit. There was also a file of emails from his ex-girlfriend indicating they were anything but ex’s. I confronted him, he denied it. I was concerned for my health first, and have been tested for everything. I also emailed his ex-girlfriend and found out that that they have in fact been together for 16 years. He told her he moved here for the job. That ring he proposed to me with, he gave to her 5 months later and she accepted. So he was engaged for most of the time he lived here near me. I have not had any contact with him since, but I just feel helpless. I’m so angry and I don’t know how to deal with remembering all the things he told me and how they were all lies. Thanks for reading this/listening, I think talking about it helps.

Dear dear letgoletgod,

It sounds to me like you may be clinically depressed, and sometimes it takes some professional evaluation/treatment to help you get better.

I’m not a “pill pusher” by any means or think that they “cure all problems” but believe me sometimes medication is what we need to help us get back on track so we can concentrate and focus on our healing.

Please consider this because I know you have been suffering so much and having so many problems letting go. At least talk to a mental health professional. (((hugs)))) and always prayers.

Hi everyone,

It’s again been quite a while since I came for a visit but this time my visit is for much different reasons than before….and reading this article, your posts and in particularly letgoletgod’s pain solidify’s I need to be here again.

I am still somewhat shocked, hoping this is not premature but I stay cautiously optimistic. I came here to ‘pay it forward’ if you will today. For some reason the last two months of this 2.5 year hell seem like the actual tail end of that blacker than black powerful darkness. I think I am actually out of the chains and am actually me. I’ve been sitting here the past few hours just so utterly happy…I’ve been trying to analyze how this actually happened, how I suddenly see me, see colours, see people, have my own thoughts. There’s days that go by now that the freak isn’t even pass by! I still can’t beleive it fully but I am more confident now then ever before that I could never be tempted by him again. I see him, the facade, the evil for all it is. I intellectually saw much much earlier but not emotionally. I am now aligned…and not just with myself…with the rest of life. I can’t even describe the bewilderment and sheer amazement that I actually feel this…I truly thought I would be bleed forever, isolated, and jailed.
One of the BIGGEST FACTORS throughout this process has been this site. Through every horrific stage it gave me exactly what I needed at that time. I recall reading bloggers just like this thinking…whatever…happy for you but tell me how the hell you got there. I have a hard time even writing as I recall the depths of that evil and reading Letgoletgod’s pain…I so know what you feel.
I truly thought I was going to remain in that place forever…it just never went away. I felt like a misfit in society and looked at people with vacant eyes. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I ruminated about him…the dream of him…trying to rationalize over and over again why his behaviors could be accepted…hence why so many trials of NC. I wanted that dream so bad and he presented it so perfectly. I had never been so ‘high’ before. I recall from another blog a few months ago one rational which really struck home to me about why it is so hard to let go. These S’s are master mirrors and reflect you and all your dreams..which is why you fall so hard and why you don’t want to let go.
I just want to let people know that there really is actual light at the end…literally…I see differently.
I’m not saying I’m completely out of the woods because I haven’t really dabbled in dating other men but regardless of that…I almost don’t even care…I’m just so happy the S is not dominating my spirit anymore. I see him as a sick reptile who could never even come close the the light in me.
The only thing I can say with certainty is that as much as the pain grasps your soul…it really is part of the process to freedom. Getting you back. It will often feel 3 steps ahead, ten feet back…don’t let that discourage you…just feel it and accept that feeling for whatever it is trying to tell you. Even if you can’t hear it whispers will plant seeds…they will grow. It is a damn process and by far the hardest thing I’ve experienced so far. Let the pain in…examine what it’s about.
I am now almost grateful the pain was as strong as it was for now I truly know what pure happiness and freedom are.

Thank you Lovefraud and everyone. We are all connected and we will all survive. Please beleive there really is light.

Ox-
Thanks. Thats exactly what my mom tolde me this morning. My mom is wonderful, and i love her very much, but she has been seeing a therapist and taking depression pills for years, and i think i just have it in my head that i don’t want to end up like her. I keep thinking I can fix myself, but it seems I just keep getting into these terrible relatioships, and nothing changes.
My entire family has been pleading with me to see a therapist for the past 2 years, since I started dating the first S in Florida.
I think it’s time, I agree, to talk to someone. But will it really help? It seems nothing is helping. I felt the happiest i have ever been when i moved out here, and look how that turned out! i am not sure if it was because I was living with my sister, and i thought I met the guy I was supposed to be with. Talk about euphoria, all within weeks of getting out of an abusinve relationship. I was as high as the sky! But now they are both gone and I’m depressed again. Should i leave to be with my family, since i just can’t make it here, or stay and believe God is doing this for a reason, and i will get through this? I know I keep finding happiness on the outside, that is fleeting. There is definitely something that I need to fix in my life, and it certainly isn’t just my x-s.
Thanks guys. I really do need you all right now.

Lauren-
It does help to talk, mixed in with reading. When I read (yours and others) posts, it is all so obvious, but it’s always your own advice that is hard to take, ya know!

My advice, (that I am being a hypocrite for : P), is keep yourself busy with trying new things. And pampering yourself. I’m running in circles like a chicken without a head, and look where that is getting me! i know what i need to do…Try new things, and focus on making ME happy, and stop worrying so much about HIMHIMHIM!~

Thank you Wiserandhealing, you just made me cry, but with tears of hope 🙂

Dear Letgoletgod,

Depression is very much genetic and if your mom is depressed it is quite likely that some of your problem and pain is depression based.

Think of it like if your mom was DAIBETIC. She had to take insulin every day to keep her sugar under control. And you were to say “well I don’t want to be like her so I am not going to the doctor even though I have the same symptoms of HIGH BLOOD SUGAR SHE DOES. I don’t want to “end up like her.”

NOT TREATING THE PROBLEM ISN’T GOING TO KEEP YOU FROM ENDING UP “LIKE HER” BUT MORE LIKELY TO MAKE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.

Sugar, get your canoe out of DENIAL, it is NOT a river in Egypt. Depression is a chemical imbalance with genetic components just like diabetes is a herediatary chemical imbalance. Yes, eating right can help your sugar control, and exercise, but you know what, if you need it and you don’t take the medication, you will get worse not better. BOINK–that’s the sound of my skillet striking the top of your lovely head, but with all the love and concern I can hit you with!!! (((Hugs))))

wiserandhealing that is refreshing to hear. Yes, it does get better after the initial shock wears off. You have to allow yourself the time to heal and it will happen. You have to force yourself to go through the depths of despair … cause they do cause despair. And think about it … we’re not used to the depth of despair … it’s frightening, it’s lonely … we have to do it for ourselves … it’s not a trip you can make with anyone else but all by yourself.

Then that day comes … we don’t know how or why … but there it is … it’s light … no gloom, no despair … the birds are singing … the air smells so sweat … the sun feels so warm on our skin …

I am so happy that you made it back into the light.

Peace to you and your future better you … stronger, wiser and willing to heal.

dear wiser,
you’re right about seeing differently. I honestly feel that I can see for the first time in 2 years. At the bottom of the sadness and the hurt there’s relief that it’s over.

Just think Letgoletgod: Even though we all go through our own despair on our own … we still have this blogg to talk with each other … that helping hand reaching out to each and every one of us.

Peace sweetheart … you’ll get there … it’s just that it’s so mind boggling and overwhelming … wrapped up in why wasn’t my love good enough to heal it.

It was though … we just haven’t gotten to that step of the journey … just keep sending your love out there … let it expand into the universe … it’s not being wasted.

The love within you is healing you … be patient … be good to yourself … pamper yourself. You will get there … it just takes time.

letgoletgod,
I am experiencing a similar thing as you. Obsession about the S, worry about my preference in men, and bad dreams involving the S and his girlfriend. The few men who I am talking with all tell me about all the women they cheat on and their sordid dating pasts. It’s like I am a sociopath magnet. I am almost to the point where I wonder if there are any decent men out there. And if there are, why aren’t I meeting any? I think it’s because all those nice men have rings on their fingers and are good fathers and husbands. I have to admit that I really have no interest in the normal nice guy that will stand by me and bore me to death. I am still totally afraid to date because there really is no one that I like. I don’t like the bad guys anymore and I don’t like the nice guys. I am glad Wini reminded you to dance, because it reminded me that it is exactly what I am going to do right now:)

Hello Everyone,

Everytime I plan on “just peeking” at this site, my heart strings get pulled. I find myself shaking my head, crying, rocking, putting my hand over my mouth. My heart starts pounding; at first it was reality slapping me in my face. What I was feeling, wondering, trying o hide from was right in front of me. So then what, I could no longer hide from reality, I had to do something. So now when I read new stories, my heart starts pounding but not with fear. It pounds with new found hope, faith and belief. I know it’s not going to change over night. At first I felt guilty that I was even thinking that my ex could be a sociopath. I thought I deserved everything that happened and all that I lost because I thought he “might be ” a sociopath. How could a person who always prided herself on loving unconditionally, possibly even think poorly of someone.

Letgoletgod: You said some about feeling full of anxiety, yet wanting to hide in your bed. I feel that way all the time. I also think of him before I wake up, the minute I wake up, all through the day and before I go to bed.

Stargazer: You said

“This guy really did cast some sort of a spell on me, and even after I figured out he was a pathological liar, I still felt this bond with him. For months, I felt this battle between my head and what I knew was the truth, and my heart that said love will conquer everything, even his lies. I followed my head, and slowly my heart has been following. The whole thing seems like a very bad nightmare with a strong feeling component that lingers.””

That’s my stoy in a nut shell…how can someone “BOND” with someone who has caused them so much pain.

Wiserandhealing:”I thought I would bleed forever”

Thank you for giving me hope!!!!!!

“a misfit, vacant eye’s, rationalize over and over why his behavior could, should, be accepted, anxiety, bitterness, regret” I have felt every word on every page. I have cried for you and with you. You helped me cry for myself.
Everynight I laid in the same bed with him, I never ever cried. I was afraid that if I cried I would cause him stress and my job was to keep his life free of stress by anticipating his every need before he had to mention it. “YOU will be submissive and obeident”.
I remember the day I could no longer pretend. I did not do something that or the way he wanted me to and he got very ridgged, his eye’s seemed as if they turned black dark and cold, he glared at me and said “you just wait you’ll see, you’ll learn, you’ll learn”. I did not let him see me gulp.

Yet latter that day I pretended nothing ever happened.

I can relate to everything every one has said.

************I feel crazy, I feel guilty for believing what I read on this web site, what if I am wrong, how could I think this way about someone I said I would love and cherish, through sickness and health..how am I any better than him. I abandoned him**************

I keep all of you in my prayers everyday.
Thank you for being here.

Love Molly

Hey Bird … didn’t they name a dance after you and little bird? The “chicken dance” … I love that dance at holiday events … it allows everyone to go up and dance … single … all in a line … no partners … just yourself having the best time of your life.

Reminds me of the poster at Cape Cod that states”WHAT IF THE HOKEY POKEY IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT”.

Peace to you bird and the little bird.

Lauren,

“there are none so blind as he who WILL NOT SEE” and “None so deaf as he who will not hear”

How our minds “warp” our reality is funny, and I have found myself so deep in denial that I was literally BLIND to reality. They didn’t twist it, I TWISTED IT for myself, I “saw” what I wanted to see, “heard” what I wanted to hear, read what I wanted the pages to say.

It is only when we can SEE, HEAR and READ with UN-biased eyes, ears and reading skills. Our emotions many times bias our thinking to the point that we are blind, deaf and illiterate.

I have actually been so set on an opinion, that I actually “HALLUCINATED” words on a page to support my thinking because I was SO SURE I WAS RIGHT. When another person asked me to read them aloud, and I did, I saw that my own bias had made the words take a 180 degree twist to “prove” to me that I was right in my twisted biased opinion. That was a reality shock to me that made me “wake up” to how our emotions can “twist reality.” I can laugh at that “ah ha” moment now. I realize I can fool myself if I try hard enough, and twist my own reality. So I have to keep a good “eye” on myself to make sure I don’t fall for that again. That I don’t trip myself up with my own prejudices and biases.

Yeah Oxy … it’s called “loving them”. Love is blind …

And if you think about it … love is the greatest emotion to give out to the world.

Hey, we can’t help it if some don’t, will never, don’t want to, understand it! What counts is that we know what it is.

Peace.

Dear Molly,
Here’s a hug for you since you stopped in.

I’m sending hugs even though I’m feeling a bit numb today. I feel like some very strong emotion is lurking just below the surface but I can’t access it. I didn’t eat much of the day and tried to eat some tonight at the store. I felt nauseous and like I wanted to scream and cry. Last I heard, you can’t do that kind of stuff in the supermarket, even in Walmart (well MAYBE in Walmart…..). I feel like there is this tension in my head, and I have a huge headache. Also my stomach is upset. I don’t know what is going on with me. I am going to drink some cold water and settle down to watch a movie.

I thought about the ex today and how he hasn’t been on the reptile site for exactly a month yesterday. Though I’m relieved not to have to deal with him any more, I started wondering if it’s because he found his next victim. The thought upset me.

My self-esteem has not been good today. I was feeling jealous of all the beautiful women in the store, even though I’m fairly attractive myself. I didn’t have the motivation to shower or put on makeup before I went out. It was just buy the stuff and come home where I have been sitting in front of the computer today. I wonder if anyone else is going through periods of numbness where you don’t feel anything but just get headaches or muscle tensions?

I guess I’m just not having a good day. Something is trying to break free, and I don’t know what it is. It is something that’s been there for a long long time.

Thank you all for being my therapist today.

Hugs again
StarG

Yes, Wini, and it wasn’t in this instance about “love.” LOL I was discussing a fact, and my friend disagreed with me, gave me a book to read on the “facts” and I read it, still sure of my own rightness and sure enough THERE ON THE PAGE IN HER VERY OWN BOOK WAS PROOF THAT I WAS RIGHT AND SHE WAS WRONG.

I slammed that book shut, feeling very SMUG and righteous! LOL Yea, [email protected]

So later I took the book back to her and said “Your very own book proves I am RIGHT and you are WRONG.” She said “read it aloud” and I did, and as I read the words slowly and carefully aloud, I realized that it PROVED HER POINT not mine. But I had been so intent on being “right” that I had “hallucinated” the words on the page I wanted to see.

Thge old “don’t confuse me with facts, MY MIND IS MADE UP”LOL and I look back at that and I see how our emotions, our prejudices, or biases TWIST how we “see” things.

Just like with political statements “He is for the little man” or “he wants to help American people get jobs” and these are not FACTS (though they may be) but they are ABSTRACT statements of opinions. Yet people fight like crazy over these statements being “true or not.”

Same with religion. What is a FACT and what is an OPINION? Yet people twist words on paper to mean anyhting they want them to mean.

What is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong? Even what is up and what is down? Even 2+2 =s WHAT? LOL

It was just an “ah ha” moment for me, and actually took place years and years ago, but has always stuck in my mind that “reality” is relative. I may feel hot at a temperature in which you feel cold. So we both are in the same room but our “realities” are different.

Telepathic communication is a GIVEN NORMAL THING with certain tribes of the bushmen and the Bantu, yet our “reality” is that such a thing is impossible. We don’t “believe” in such things as mind to mind direct communication because we are “scientific” and “rational” and “such things are not possible” but I have SEEN EVIDENCE of it. I believe some people CAN and DO commucinate this way.

Some people believe they have been “abducted by space aliens” and that is THEIR REALITY. Were they actually abducted by space aliens and their bodies and blood tested? It isn’t MY reality, the aliens never took ME but does that mean that they never took them? ?????? who knows?

Am I crazy or is my reality twisted? I’m not totally sure, but as long as I am comfortable with it, then what I believe is REAL to ME.

If I feel sad, that is my reality. If I am happy that is my reality. I also believe I have control over whether or not I am happy or sad. If I believe I have no control, then I WILL HAVE NO CONTROL, but simply by believing I have control, it is there. A self-fulfilling prphecy.

“Don’t confuse me with facts, my mind is made up.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I didn’t want to believe I could control my emotions or my reactions, but my therapist insisted I could. I can choose to be angry at X event, or choose to “let it slide.” If I think that I have no choice in the matter then I am at the “mercy” of every “wind that blows” but if I believe I can and I do take control of my own destiny, then I can have control of my own destiny.

So I BELIEVE. I am believing more every day as I SEE evidence that I can do this. I want the JOY tht comes from not being a piece of flotsum in the sea of life. I can swim, I can paddle, I can put up a sail and control my directions. Sure there will be occasional storms but as long as I believe I can influence my destiny then I can and I will.

I am going to paddle and bail and stop CHOPPING HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF MY OWN BOAT. LOL

Oxy your love of people and of life overflows. That’s all it is … your love being stopped by others who won’t love, therefore, think they can’t love.

It is a mindset. I hope others understand. What we believe expands and becomes our reality.

That’s why life is easier if we focus on God’s virtues … how God wants us to live.

We focus on living our lives through HUMILITY to combat living a life through PRIDE.

We focus on living our lives through KINDNESS to combat living a life through ENVY.

We focus on living our lives through ABSTINENCE to combat living a life through GLUTTONY.

We focus on living our lives through CHASTITY to combat living a life through LUST.

We focus on living our lives through PATIENCE to combat living a life through ANGER.

We focus on living our lives through LIBERALITY to combat living a life through GREED.

We focus on living our lives through DILIGENCE to combat living a life through SLOTH.

The pain caused us by our EXs is simple to understand if we step back and examine it.

Our EXs never wanted to focus on living their lives by focusing on God’s virtues.

Instead, they allowed their EGOS to live their lives. They learned at very young ages that they could get what they want, when they wanted, if only they PRETENDED to be virtuous.

Pretending to be virtuous doesn’t allow a person to gain wisdom by focusing on the vices.

Instead, our EX s pretending to be virtuous learned the opposite of virtue, that of vice. They are in a perpetual spin of vice which is opposite of God’s virtues.

Therefore, because they did not focus, living and learning (wisdom) virtues in life they ended up doing and learning the opposite (not obtaining wisdom) ” that which is made of the vices of life.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Peace.

I read these post and realize I am not alone in this. I think we get to a point where intellectually we know what has happened. But emotionally it is different. Southernman your comment about love/hate/loss after she has been gone so long – makes me wonder if some of us will ever completley heal. And so many of us are suffering broken hearts and dreams and they have moved on and pay us not a thought. I still wonder what he is up to, where is he at? Does he regret what he did? Why doesnt he move a mountain to get us back on the right track. We had something special? No No No they are what they are and why do I miss him? Why? Too those of you just realizing what has happened. To those of you who are barely functional and the anxiety and depression has such a grip on you – I would like to say that pain will ease and you will get back to a more normal you. When will you stop hurting? I can’t answer that – I am still waiting for that myself. But 6 months ago I was a total wreck – and today I am somewhat human again. I know with out a doubt I was victimized and abused. I wish and hope and pray that we all find happiness and joy again. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is going to take more time – more time than I want to give this nitemare. If this is a lesson that will ultimately make me a more whole self then I am willing to continue. I often think about changing my screename here to something that is genderless. But regardless – like Wini has said’at least I had a heart that breaks’ and it still aches big time. But I am putting faith in me that I will one day be just a normal guy again – what ever normal is – I just want too send out some hugs and hope to all of you today that you are good people and you did nothing to deserve this – but it did happen and only you can mend your broken heart and we must live through this – because life is so short. I took back my life when I set him free – free to continue using other’s – but I can’t help that – I can only help myself be the good person that I know I am. I feel sorry for (HIM) really I do -but the irony in that is – he feel’s nothing -how sad. seven months no contact – seven months of healing from a three year relationship of pain. What I feel now is loss and I know my brain is confused because l lost nothing worth loving. And I am so glad he is gone and so sad at the same time. I am out of tear’s and past the worst part but still kind of numb. Thanks to all of you for sharing your story’s. And thanks to all of for your support and compassion…peace

Good Day everyone:

What’s so good about it some might ask?

We all woke up!!!! Yep, it’s that simple.

I remember when I left my EX, I had to stay at a shelter. That is when I realizes that despite my unwillingness to let him get the best of me, he did. I had no place else to go..no friends, no $, no GUT”S to say what I wanted so badly to say. Sometimes I think I remained silent because I had no idea how to put my feelings into words. I had spent so long denying them, now I had no way of describing them.

Anyway, when I went to the shelter I looked at all the plaques on the wall. First I thought they were people who contributed money for the new center. After closer observation and questioning one of the workers; I found that they were the names of people who had stayed at the shelter and went back to their abuser……..their names were on the plaques because they were dead. They were ither killed, or they killed their self because they resorted to unhealthy ways to relieve themselves of the pain and uncertainty, the unanwsered questions, the feelings of crazyness….I could go on and on… For some it was alcohol or drug abuse, some it was sucide .

So, if we are reading this….no matter how $hitty of a day we can convince ourself it is…because of what HAS happened….it is actually a GREAT day.

We can not say that we are alone, because even though we can not see each other, we have each other.
We can NOT try and convince ourselfs that NO one else could understand…because WE do.
And each time we have the strength to share our experiences, strenghts and hopes..we help save each others soul, but most important….we lighten our load..thus giving ourself more strenght to face another day.

STARGAZER: Someone once told me the best revenge we can have against our Ex’s….Is to be scucessfull.

I too have moments where I feel like I am going to throw up. My head pounds, my heart races, my mind fills up with woulda’s, coulda’s and shoulda’s. I beat myself up, but I did not have the courage to stand up for myself. I tell myself that I was wrong and that I was just a UNGREATFULL [email protected]
I mean he changed all the locks (4) on the front door and removed 280 box’s of his things 2 days after I went to the shelter…I must be a untrust worthy person. IF I WAS AS GREAT, LOVING, SUBMISSIVE AND OBEDIANT AS I THOUGHT I WAS, WHAY HAS HE REFUSSED MY CALLS, EMAILS ATTEMPTS TO TALK? Somewhere I read a quote and I wish I could remember exactly how it went..but the person was refering to a sociopath..they said something like this “and when he is through with you…and he will be through with you”…there was obviously more..but those words hit me like a brick…I feel selfish when I say “but I did everything but wipe his butt and chew his food..from 4 am till he fell asleep…I woke up before I woke up trying to make sure that I could anticipate his every need and insure that he not have to endure any stress. HOW COULD HE BE THROUgH WITH ME?

Last but not least…If I can not get a sociopath to love me…how will ANYONE be able to love me….I just must have to face the fact that I am unlovable and that I will be alone for the rest of my life….I want to be here on earth fully participating to make the best out of it….I do not want to be here..just because I would feel guilty if I left my adult son to have to deal with the thought that his mother had to be “crazy” cause she could not handle life on lif’s terms.

SOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I had to come here to this site, because I wanted to look up flights again. I wanted to fly back to were I escaped, sit in front of the house I used to live in and wait for him. I wanted/want him to tell me why. I want to know if he will repluse me or if I would go weak at the knees.

Just writing, reading and sharing helps to give me the kick in the butt I need to REMIND MYSELF THAT I AM GLAD I WOKE UP>>>>Going back or calling and expecting different results will only end up with me having my name on a plaque….and I don’t want to go there.

Hang in there everyone…we may not be much but were all we’ve got and that’s SOOOOO!! much better than what “THEY” have.

Love, hug’s and kiss’s to all….Molly

Henry, Henry, Henry … don’t change your screen name … I like singing the 3 H’s (LOL).

You are in pain because you believed your ex to be like you … living life through love and all the virtues. All of us believed our EXs to be like ourselves.

We are all in pain because of the same thing … we want our EXs to understand and appreciate LOVE and all the rest of the virtues.

Hey, I’d rather be in pain due to LOVING someone than for others reasons. And, there are many other reasons we could be blogging about … thank God we only had to deal with this big hurdle. And we all know what a doozey it is.

But, we’ll get through it … there’s just no quick fixes … we ALL just have to stay the course to come out to the other side. And there is another side … slowly but surely, we’ll work our way back to all the positives of God’s virtues.

We just got sidetracked … slammed without warning … taken off our bearings … that’s why we waffle back and forth … it’s us being off balance due to unraveling the horror of the reality of what they TRULY are. And our hearts break for them … all of them … because life doesn’t have to be like this … but we have free will, just as our EXs have free will.

We chose to live righteously by taking virtuous paths in life and hence, it became a way of life for us … just as our EXs chose not to live righteously … so that too became a way of life for them.

We are dealing with the opposite from people coming into our lives pretending to be, know, understand what virtuous living is … to find out in horror, they have no clue what virtue is, how it feels, what it includes, how we got it and became whole (full) … how they never obtained it and stayed empty (devoid).

Peace and hugs Henry.

This is a good article, because I have asked myself on many occasions what it is about a Sociopath that attracts people to them. I honestly think that there are just as many female S’s as there are men. The difference being that men rarely come out and talk about the emotional pain somebody has caused them. Some men are attracted to dominant women. Usually because it’s the exact opposite of them. What they don’t understand is that they were maneuvered into a subservient position through trickery. Sociopathic women give compliments that are actually disses in disguise.

Yesterday I tried to help my husband’s ex-wife’s husband to see that he can’t “fix” her. He was going to testify against her at the trial for us. Once she found out, she reeled him back in and he’s going to give it one more shot. He told me that she freaks out about everything–from something being out of place, to how he’s dressed, etc, etc. It’s maddening because that is how she is with all her men eventually. She did it to my husband. And to try to HELP somebody see that they don’t have to waste their lives loving somebody who can’t return that love is like trying to help the river run the other direction. I guess I said too much to him. But he STARTED the conversation! I really don’t know what’s wrong with the guy! I can guarantee she’s cheating on him right now, and he doesn’t see it. HE CAN’T FIX HER, CHANGE HER, OR MAKE HER BETTER. AND HE WON’T HELP HIMSELF. I guess it’s his problem then. He just goes back and forth so much. From being terrified of her in the dark and kicking her to the curb and talking about her using her daughter as a pawn to get him to stay with her (she plopped the 1 yr old in front of him and said, “how could you do this to her?”), to “she just needs to go to her therapist and let her help her make better choices.” I guess he’s just not ready yet. But he will be.

Molly, your post really lifted my spirits today. I still have a headache and feel out of sorts. Though I know you weren’t trying to be funny, I had to laugh at your statement, “If I can’t get a sociopath to love me, then how will anyone love me?” If you can EVER get a sociopath to love ANYONE, you will be qualified for sainthood! LOL

It’s still really hard believe that the sweet unassuming guy I dated actually set me up to exploit me. I’m still scratching my head at this one. He just doesn’t seem like the type. Oh well. I’m at a bit of a loss of how to proceed with my healing at this point. I seem to have reached a plateau and I feel stuck. I guess I will watch another movie and tile my kitchen wall tomorrow. Like OxD, I love doing stuff around my little condo and trying to make it prettier.

Hugs to everyone,
StarG

Dear Molly,

Your “pretending” that everything was okay and that None of it “happened” is how I lived mylife with mymother.

Even after all that she had done to me and lately she said to me when I tried to talk to her “I don’t want to talk about that, LET’S JUST PRETEND NONE OF THIS HAPPENED.”

NO, I DON’T WANT TO PRETEND THAT YOU DIDN’T ABUSE ME ANY MORE. I am tried of playling “let’s pretend that you love me” too.

Your attitude about being in a shelter is wonderful, Molly, and I think that the shelter’s plaques is wonderful too. To show women (and men) that you can END UP DEAD WITH THESE DUDES (AND DUDETTES) They WILL KILL YOU and think NOTHING OF IT.

Not leaving when we are in danger, or denying that danger to keep from “losing” our home, or our car or whatever, is I think what keeps some of these people, primarily women, from leaving and saving their lives–it ALMOST MADE ME LOSE MINE BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE MY HOME.

I finally saw tht it was stay and die, or leave and live. I bought a recreational trailer to live in and got a friend tolet me put it on his lake property in a neighborhood of cabins and RVs (hide in plain sight) and no one paid any attention to another Rv moving into the area. I took only my bare necessities and my dogs and important papers and SNEAKED out of my home. I left not knowing if I would ever be able to return home. But I decided that my life was worth more than a house, or land, or my community, or anything else.

I know how hard it is to make that decision to RUN and leave most or all of what you have (your home etc.) when you are not sure you are really in danger, when you want to deny that you are in danger but you just can’t “pretend” any longer, when reality smacks you “up’side the head.”

I admire your strength Molly, and your guts! I know how hard it is, but you did it and I’m so glad your name is not on that plaque wall! TOWANDA!

OxD, another way of saying what you said is “Energy follows thought.” That which you think becomes your reality. We can most certainly can choose to think happy thoughts if we want. Even when we are sad and in pain, we can find something to have gratitude for.

I am looking to apply your words of wisdom to this strange disconnected feeling I’m experiencing right now. I certainly don’t feel happy. It’s always a test to love and accept myself when I am out of sorts like this. If I learned anything from years of Buddhist meditation, is that everything arises and passes away.

Dear Stargazer,

I have some wonderful friends who are profoundly practicing Buddhists. We are always discussing philosophy and our beliefs. I have learned a great deal from them to apply to my own life.

Actions also follow thoughts. The thought is the father to the action. If we keep a positive attitude then we feel positive. If we ACT positive we can influence our own emotions and thoughts. But when we get into an “DOWNWARD” Spiral it is difficult to stop the fall “in mid air” sometimes. I know it was for me. I had to find what kept me down, and I finally found that my inability to forgive them kept me bitter, so I worked on that, but still even though it helped me to get the bitterness out of my heart for them, I still had something keeping me down and I realized I HAD NOT FORGIVEN MYSELF. So I worked on that and it was like the “weight of the world” was lifted off my shoulders. I’ve still got things to work on (I’m far from perfect! LOL) but I’m working on them from a feeling of freedom and joy, not from a position of pain any more.

I am experiencing more JOY in my life than I thought possible a year ago. Life is on the upswing now instead of the downward spiral into the abyss.

I saw him today. He came to see the baby. I played nice. I told him what he did was an assault to me. The other women is barely above 18 years old, and he was dressed like a 20 year old. Not that there is anything wrong with the style of a 20 year old, if you are 20! What I am getting at, is that I saw him, and I felt annoyance. I thought I would get weak in the knees at the sight of this man I loved once. But I found him too crazy and ridiculous looking. He is crazy. He aliented me, and now I feel nothing but a mild annoyance at his sight. I noted his lack of feeling towards me. And this time it didn’t hurt. Because that is how I feel about him! And that lack of feeling he emulates, is just another peg to his craziness! Along with his outfit omg

Ox-I love your story. Don’t confuse me with the facts, my mind is made up:) I told him he is a N. Nothing he could say or do can change that for me now. He tried. My mind is made up. It is a done deal.

Molly-I love your story too. What happened to me was an assault. I was assaulted and badly injured. But today….I saw him…..I felt nothing…..he is gone and I am relieved……and it IS a GREAT day.

The other women, on the other hand, was a basket case. She is slowly going crazy.

Hi Molly,

I’m so glad you never got on that plane. Nothing would have changed and you would have dug yourself into a deeper mess. I remember your posts and your ex S was as controlling and dominating as mine was. Since I would not find a job where I could work out of my home, he became horribly abusive because I wouldn’t obey. Yuck. We will be fine.

Hi Bird! I hope when I see my ex again I wont have pain and hurt written on my face. They seem to thrive on it. When I was communicating with my ex to get the car back and the deed to my home, I would write letters to dear mr so and so…like I was a friggin bill collector and he was nothing more than a debtor I was chasing. My phone messages were cold asking when I could expect him to go to my attorneys office, etc. But on the inside i was dying. After I hung the phone up, I would weep. But i refuse to let him see anymore hurt. I need to act like he’s nothing to me just like I was nothing to him.

Dear BIRD,

TOWANDA! You are THERE sweetheart! I am so happy for you. The opposite of love is NOT hate, it is INDIFFERENCE and your “mild annoyance” is just that, indifference.

He did NOT come to see the baby, I can guarentee you that. He is getting ready to make a come back bid, I bet the farm on that one sugar.

He is pretending to be interested in the baby but the Ps don’t care hoot for their own children or anyone else. My P-bio father saw me once at age 2, and then again at age 16, then screwed up my life from 17 to 19 and for years of pain afterwards. I know from personal experience that they are like “bad pennies” they keep turning up and up just long enough to hurt you.

I’m not sure what his legal rights to see Birdie are, but please, keep him as far away as possible, he will never bring anything in to Birdie’s life but PAIN AND ABUSE. I don’t need a crystal ball to be able to “foretell” that future if he stays in Birdie’s life even a little bit. They are so so very toxic.

Give Birdie a big squeeze from Aunty Oxy! and a big hug for [email protected]!

Bird-

For comic relief…pls. share his outfit. Mine I liken to Austin Powers….
Yeah, I am embarassed.

Bird: Yeah Baby! LOL!!

a newspaper print t-shit. An “emu” army jacket. Faded jeans with get this, embroidery on the back pockets lol He used to wear polos and levis!

Well, now the other women is saying she wants to “murder me and kick my ass” on her myspace page. I tell you. I could give her advice on what I did and tell her that if she looks at herself and realizes she has been injured, then her anger towards me will disappear and she will feel better. I think she needs to learn that on her own and it will never happen as long as she is with him. Besides, it doesn’t make logical sense that she is angry at me. He told me she is jealous that I had a baby with him. Are you kidding me? Apparently he told her if she gets pregnant she has to get an abortion. Which I found strange because he always told me he is prolife. Alright, it’s not strange if we call him a sociopath is it!

Ox-legally I am on pins and needles. I am doing my best.

Bird: Wow. How old is your ex? What the hell could he have in common with an 18 year old? She probably makes him feel young again..LOL!! He’s ridiculous.

Hey Bird! Congratulations! I wish I could get to indifference with mine. I thought I had it when he last called me – well I did but it was before I knew what he was and about this site. Right now it’s taking all of my willpower not to call him. My mind as of lately has been OVERWHELMED with thoughts of him and I talk about him to my one friend so much he said he needs a mathmatecian to keep track of how much of his life has been taken up talking about him. : (

BTW – mine is 32 and his just graduated from H.S. last year. He used to (probably still does) dress the same way. His favorite shirt which i ended up “accidently” spraying bleach on had a friggin embroidery of a phoenix with some outlandish saying on the back. ick! Thinking back on it some of the stuff he wore was downright creepy looking.

In response to previous posts about body language – here’s one for you – mine would stand a la Superman. I am sure I need not have to describe. But for some reason despite all he’s put me through – here I am on this beautiful Sunday depressed bc I miss him and want him to call me – even though he probably never will again.

Thanks for the shoulders.

Everyone, what a sociopath would see in a younger woman is that younger women are easily controlled and manipulated, aside from, of course, being a source of sex. Ugh. Be glad that you are older and no longer easy to fool. Imagine what a sociopath will do to a teenager’s self esteem and view of men, once she gets discarded!

OxD,
You are such an inspiration to me. To hear that you also respect Buddhist ways of thinking just makes me respect you even more. So often with followers of a religion, it’s their way or the highway. I have gone through these ups and downs my whole life, and feel like I still am trying to get to the core of the onion. It really really helps to have the support here, because when I get depressed, I isolate myself, and that makes it worse. It’s really hard to share the pain with anyone, even therapists, so I end up feeling so alone. I know every time I go through one of these cycles of pain, I feel stronger. I just wish I could be done with it already.

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