Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
“Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.”
How very true. When we practice and acknowledge our personal wisdom and power we start to see others who will try again and again to gain some type of control connection with us. Anchor themselves in our hearts and mind. After this they will start to define us. Telling us how we think feel what we like and don’t like. In short do all our thinking and feeling for us. Only when we understand and acknowledge what is happening will we awake from this spell and then become “spellbreakers”. Any type of power over (dominance) another person is in short abuse. And any type of abuse should make one feel sick inside and repulsed by that person’s behavior for in short that person is really abusing the other person and/or persons.
Wow…6 weeks and she figured him out- that’s great. Especially since he was so “good” at playing good.
I note the game playing of putting “his women” in such close proximity…that is a red flag. Of course, you only realize that behavior after-the-fact. But a key difference between say a cheater who may think they love someone other than their spouse and a sociopath who “loves” the game not the people.
The normal straying spouse does not want to play cat-and-mouse, doesn’t get-off on the ruse.
Dominance is “hot” because I think we misread it as strength, leadership. I know, I did. I am keeping at bay a very narcissistic person and like any malignant narcissist their colors do eventually show- didn’t take long and I am so glad I have no ties to cut.
I keep saying this over and over, but will do it again, “THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE ON LOVE FRAUD”
In a series of insightful articles I thinkk this is one of the GREATEST if not THE greatest article here. WOW!!! Is all I can say.
“Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.”
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR THIS ARTICLE.
Oh yes Dr. Leedom….
Thank you for addressing this part of my question that I posed a few posts back…..
You are correct about the bonds and how painful and difficult they are to break. The unconscious and chemical aspects seem to be almost beyond control to overcome. I might add that I seem to suffer from chronic grief over the sociopath because of the highly intense and emotional relationship with her and of course the same can said about the intense and emotional relationship with my late wife and with her slow and painful terminal illness a few years prior, and with both, there was no closure. I also have examined if Stockholm Syndrome has played a part in the ongoing feeling of “loss/hate/love” that I feel despite over two years of NC.
Like you, I have come to despise traits such as dominance/control.. but I still have difficulty with charisma/charm/need for excitement/great physical beauty…. My socio had that in spades and it made for a very addictive combination….
When asked why has it been so difficult to let it go, or move on, my response would be “there was something about her”….and that’s true, whether it was real or not, it was REAL for me…. I had never met anyone that made me feel that way, (positive) and sadly I don’t think I ever will again. The “Hyde” side of her, I GLADLY say no one will make me feel that way again…. I have placed priorities in healthy attributes in a partner because that’s what I really want and need.
I do acknowledge just how powerful the “spell” they cast into our psyche is, and that ridding yourself of them and everything they ever said or did in your mind is about as easy as the addict walking away from the needle…..
But, I love the “tag” line
“Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.”
Whether I realize it or not, I have been practicing this for a long time now…….Thanks Dr. Leedom.
Dr. Leedom has helped my understand what is going on in my life. I have a sociopath (my daughter’s husband) that wants to dominate, control me and I don’t want to be controlled. I remember telling my daughter that her husband is not my boss, my authority, my controller. My daughter does not get that. She likes his dominance (at the present time) and calls it “leadership”.
Dr. Leedom has also helped me see how in a phonecall this week, my “friend” was trying to control and dominate me. The opposite position would be to listen to me or have empathy and try to understand me. Dr. Leedom has made this very clear in her post. This is very valuable for me to understand as I deal with the situations in my life.
Is there anything else you can do once you identify these power/dominance/control situations? My “friend” on the phone told me, why would anyone want to have control over you? He was trying to make me look foolish that I would ever think anyone would ever do that?!?
Wow… what a profound article. Truth, precisely spelled out and to the point.
Well written Dr. Leedom.
I think future generations need to be taught and warned about the illusions of dominance and that it is not the powerful, take charge, in control illusion of how one should live their lives or be surrounded by those who possesses such charm and charisma … aka the true power is of those qualities of peacefulness, calmness, tranquility along with love and all that love includes is the correct way to conduct and live one’s life.
Peace.
I agree Ox-this article was JUST what I needed to hear today to justify that I am NOT crazy–although I certainly feel like it lately. I have actually caught myself asking myself that everyday lately. I have been a mess lately.
If any of you have followed my posts, I have gone back and forth with NC for a while since I have been posting. The longest was 27 days I think, and now it is 19 days again. I can’t sleep without waking up every hour, I dream about him every single night, he is the FIRST thing on my mind in the morning, and he DOES NOT leave my mind for more than a minute each day, literally. I feel like there is something wrong with me, and it feels like it is getting WORSE, NOT better with time. I am functioning, slightly enough to wake up and work each day, but then I either go out and party all night or diappear in my bedroom until the next day. I feel like I am living in a dream, a nightmare, and I can’t wake up. My entire life is being affected very badly. I just have so much bitterness and confusion. I know about the grieving process, and I know “it will get better in time,” but I am so overwhelmed with anxiety and bitterness and regret. I hate that I am completely obsessing over him, and I am probably long forgotten. I just want to foget he existed, but then I just can’t let go.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m completly lost and crushed.
Advice…please…and maybe a shoulder to cry on
I agree, this is a great article.
However, considering the fact that 96-98% of the population aren’t sociopaths, it is important not getting paranoid.
Don’t get me wrong, it is very healthy to have our guards up. But what I have done after my experience is to read, read and read. And the consequence of this is seeing a sociopath “behind every bush” so to speak.
However, I can relate to all the mentioned parts in the post. Especially that about brain chemistry. It is quite interesting, and I do believe that it’s closely related to a built-in survival mechanism and hence the Stockholm Syndrome.
Being a smart guy with lots of confidence, I was sure there was something wrong with the female sociopath and dumped her after 3 months. Even after 3 months it was very hard to do it. In a sense I was a winner by doing that. Unfortunately she reeled me in again using her crocodile tears and took away nearly all of my self-confidence, making me almost lose my job (hey – I have always been a high performer in the workplace!).
As Robert Hare writes, they leave a trail of broken lives behind them. But as I have seen in another post, issues that led to the sociopathic encounter surfaced and can now be dealt with. I am convinced that I will become a stronger person because of this.
Outlining these three parts is extremely useful. One way to look at your sociopathic relationship is as a confirmation of your very good character traits. I can identify to the point with Leedom’s statement “Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts.”
mrniceguy…
Any way you slice it, the facts remain the same… sociopaths are very clever and the damage they cause, mentally, emotionally, and physically, last a long time and it’s up to us to reclaim our lives…. to our benefit, we actually gained wisdom, knowledge, and discernment to add to the positive character traits we already had that the sociopath envied… I have rectified the issues of vulnerbility, gulliblity and a eager to please attitude on my part that lead to my socio encounter….But more strongly stated….the next time someone comes into my life from out of no where, who seems way too good to be true… saying and doing all the right things at all the right times with charm and flattery….. I will be watching very closely….. very closely indeed.
What a great and thought-provoking article. I too ended my relationship with the sociopath very early, after 2-1/2 months. However, quite a bit of damage had been done by that point. I’m thinking about the whole “dominance” theory and whether I have always been attracted to dominant men. I never even really considered the sociopath “dominant”. He seemed like such a gentle and humble person. But now that I think about it, he really did take charge of what he wanted with me. He pursued me very readily. Though at the beginning, I kidded around about him being my “stalker”, I did enjoy the way he pursued. It would be sad to think that all people like this are sociopaths.
This guy really did cast some sort of a spell on me, and even after I figured out he was a pathological liar, I still felt this bond with him. For months, I felt this battle between my head and what I knew was the truth, and my heart that said love will conquer everything, even his lies. I followed my head, and slowly my heart has been following. The whole thing seems like a very bad nightmare with a strong feeling component that lingers.
Though the bond has weakened considerably in the last month, I still think if I saw him or spoke with him again, the feelings would come back. I don’t really understand it, and I hope I can feel this powerful feeling again with a normal human being some day.