Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
Henry, we all want to love and be loved, but dont you think that we need to find a reason to love life, even during the periods when we are not in a relationship? Is this not the challenge? It is true, that when we are in love, life sparkles, but life is subject to different cycles and growth – when we are in a learning, healing phase?
I just read a straightforward book called ‘Its all about me – loving a Narcissist’, explains the conditioning we all go through. You are right Henry, we were trying with all our might to love a person who had an unbreacheable wall/defence around them. We thought we were in a normal relationship and we were acting like we were, but we kept getting signals that we were dealing with something we didnt understand. Hope you are well Henry.
indigo how long were you together? Did you live together? How long has he been gone? Do you feel like you still love him? Do you miss him? I dont know the details of your story,
Henry, on a sensitive, soul level, they – those with PDs dont know understand what they are stirring up, what they are harming – that is a big bad side effect of what they do. They are acting to protect themselves from that bottomless pit that they dont want to visit. We have visited it though and that is what gives us the depth to our emotional language. As Wini puts it, they are surface dwellers. I said to my daughter, be careful who you put down roots with.
Henry 6 years
Hi Beverly I am doing very well thank you. I have finally reached a turning point after 7 months. Yes I love life, every moment I cherish, and he is still in my mind but it doesnt hurt. I no longer try to analyze him. I don’t feel guilt anymore. I know what they are. It is sad – but I can’t help him and I wont let him destroy me……. 7 months NC Beverly!!!! I feel free from this burden……..bev how are you? whats going on with you?
The problem is, that they present themselves as being normal and above average at the beginning. they capitalise on the bonding process. That is why we must be careful not to take people at face value – they must prove their worth over a long period of time. Needy people are hooked more readily and me having had a narcissistic father, is more prone to be hooked up to a narcissistic partner. Boy have I learnt alot in the past 2 years.
lived together 1 year at a house I lived in for 14 yrs It got me evicted and that house was destroyed to try to end our relationship
Hiya dear dear Henry. Love to you. I am ok thanks. Having a few battles and tests at work etc- but that is what life is about sometimes, but I am still here!!. I so know how hard it is for you, there is always going to be a piece of my heart that feels for him, but in self preservation, I wouldnt now touch him with a barge pole (a UK saying!!). So so good to hear from you Henry.
indigo You are at risk – you seem to have a grip on what you were involved with. But at the same time I suggest you do everything possible to maintain no contact. I changed phone numbers – email address – locks on doors. It has been 7 months no contact – 7 months of hell he will never know or care that I suffered and lost 20 pounds. And although I am fianlly at a turning point in my life and feeling alive again – if he showed up today it would be painful and I would have to not look in his eyes. In the 3 yuears we were together I kicked him to the curb 5 times and took him back 4.
I still think about him and my intuition tells me that he will always wrestle with whatever relationship he is in. He will always create turbulence. If he was mature, when there was a difference of opinion, he would digest it, think about it and discuss it. But he is not mature, so he feels threatened and creates chaos. I dont want a relationship like that – that has been my bottom line.