Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
That is what they are used to. That ‘hit’. Even if it is negative energy – like a naughty child, you are still focusing on them. Good or bad – it still shows you care!!
So is it good to play games with them? Because I’m at the point where I don’t want to play… I just want them to go on with their lives and I will go on with mine (peacefully,quietly), but I guess because I am not responding to the drama and nothing is happening, the s has to call my friends and tell them lies to get some more turbulence going?!?
If you didnt care, you would be indifferent. In an abused child’s world, negative attention still shows that you mean something to them!! That is the mirror.
the drama and chaos takes the focus off of them and put’s it on us. I dont think they are like this with everyone – just the ones they are trying to live with or deceive -whoever the current victim is – i think they get along very well with everyday people or strangers – it’s just the ones that can see that they are up too no good that suffer the most
Onajourney. I would say, that I am quite tough and I tried to play games, but I got burned. I would say that if you step out of the minefield that would be the better option. You dont want to go that path. Its not about giving in, its about letting go. You will find another way of balancing things out.
Yes, Henry, its like the clever robbers who create chaos down the street to divert the police away from another crime. they are very clever like that.
Onajourney. What you put energy into persists. If you want to live peacefully – dont fuel it.
This all makes sense about the negative attention. I just remembered the last time I saw the s. He was sitting on my couch and asked “Why don’t you call me anymore?” At the time, I didn’t know why he would say that? I guess now this is his way of getting attention?!?
He definately smoozed me for a year. I think he was sucking up to get my daughter(we were very close) to move with him to a different state.
hugs to everyone I am out of here
Nite nite Henry. Oh onajourney, they are very good at sucking attention, whether verbally or distancing themselves and playing it cool.