Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
I also think we misinterpret Dominance, especially if we’ve been socialized to look for a dominant person to balance our gender role as women. I’m speaking for myself really but some people grew up in similar environments as mine. It wasn’t cool to be an ‘assertive woman’ back many years ago and i still struggle to be assertive without offending anyone. LOL
I noticed something else about Dominating versus Powerful men (not to discount men’s experience with pathological women). It’s the way they stand. The way they sit. The way they occupy space in a room without consideration for other people. Maybe y’all have spoken of this before, I’ve only recently been following your blog. But the more space a man takes, the more he dominates that space and probably without conscious awareness.
For example, the guy I’m writing about would always stretch up his arms and hold onto the framing around a door, kinda like a gorilla in a tree. When he sat, he spread his knees as wide as politess would allow, showing his well-you-knows to his audience.
Maybe this is crackpot observation but I’ve started watching people’s body language and it seems to hold true to their attempt to dominate a group. I dont’ think most people are even aware that they’re relinquishing their space to the person who feels entitled to stretch his legs as far as he wants.
CZBZ
CZBZ-
so true! As soon as you mentioned that, immediately I pictured my x sitting on a couch with one leg crossed over the other, but sprawling out as much as possible. He always had the dominate presence over a group, and unfortunately, I admit that is what attracts me to these jerks. I like a dominant man, but I don’t pick the stand-up kinds of guys. Instead I pick the cocky, overly egotistical, powerful, controlling man that I have dated over and over again.
Dr. Leedom-
I definitely see the pattern of picking the ‘wrong guys,’ but I still find myself attracted to them over the ‘good guys.’ What can I do further to ‘dislike’ and be ‘disgusted by,’ per se, by these types of individuals? I just don’t know how to change my way of thinking. Is it in my own values and morales? Maybe I am being the hypocrite that I am so attracted to someone so shallow..? I would always call my x- shallow, manipulative,scumbag, empty, materialistic, but then I would STILL go back to him! Especially with seeing how he treated others, and his view of the world, to be perfectly honest, he sucks, as simple as that! Now I feel like the shallow one. UGH! I am so confused! These S’s and P’s are crazymakers!
Letgoletgod: You are in definite need of a pick me up. First suggestion … write a line down a piece of paper (yes, you’ll need more than one page) all your good qualities and things you don’t like about yourself. I bet you my last dollar, that the positive side will weigh out the negative side. That’s number 1 pick me up. # 2 … go with some close friends that you love and pick up new paint for your room. Get creative … get the cobwebs off ya hon .. your life is not over … actually, it’s just beginning … now that you know “they” exist. This pit fall isn’t the end all … quite the opposite. # 3 PUT SOME MUSIC ON AND SHAKE YOUR BODY AROUND … I don’t care how you look or that you think it’s beneath you or any of that nonsense , get your body moving … get your mind focusing on those oldies you used to love … kick your heels up, laugh, joke with your girlfriends … have a pajama party … make all the junk food that you haven’t dared to eat in years cause it packed on the calories … who cares, you’re gonna dance it and laugh it off anyway.
I don’t know what kind of music you like (Rock, Jazz, R&B, Blues, Classical) … but anything back in the 60’s MOTOWN, the Supremes, the BoxTops … Smokey Robinson … something that shakes and bakes you … get that groove going for yourself and bust yourself out of the dole drums.
It works … I swear it does … it works. Hey, who knows, maybe playing music every time you walk into your space will change the mood, no matter what mood you’ve got going there. Change it up a bit … don’t just sit and reflect … they are not worth it. I know, I know … easier said then done … but then again, I’ve been dealing with major psycho damage in my life 10 years this past July … and it goes back further than that … but they only did emotional damage … not the full out crash and burn stuff.
What I am saying … it does get better … you just have to push yourself over that hump … and it’s all a breeze after that.
Peace to your heart and soul during this time. It’s an awful, awful time … but there is better times in the future for you … I promise.
Thanks Wini. You are so absolutely right about the pick me up. I feel so low, lonely, crazy and empty. Just plain awful. I went out last night, and I was in a terrible mood, and all I wanted to do was go home and be alone to cry. I started thinking that i hate everyone around me, that I don’t fit in, (especially in such a big city- I live in San Francsico) and it made me more lonely and confused about what I am doing with my life. I am questioning everything these days. I’m just worn out. I have terrible anxiety, but I want to hide in my bed. I am running in circles. I just don’t know what to do that will make tomorrow be different than today. Just his name is consuming my mind.
I am in a state of denial right now. I still look at my phone hoping he’ll call. But he won’t, and I know I shouldn’t want him to.
The point is, I really don’t have any friends out here. I moved out here from the east coast (Florida) to live with my best friend, (my sister), and they moved back to new york where my family is originally from. I met him the first week I got here, so I spent all of my time with my sister or him. Now i have nothing. I work in a small office, and i don’t meet anyone my age (I’m 25, everyone is at least 35 or older). So when I go out, I just don’t connect with the same old & tiring people my age, so materialistic and fake. They are all the same. Where have all the wholesome people gone? Should I leave here to be with my family? I just don’t know. I left the east coast to get away from my first abusive s, so I don’t want start a pattern and to keep running every time a relationship doesn’t work, but it seems I can’t find my place here. It’s not even just about him, my entire life seems uprooted right now. I know that God put me in this situation so that I can sort out my life, but I only have this blog, and my family thousands of miles away to lean on. I am strong innside, though i seem to have misplaced any self-esteem or confidence. I do give myself credit for leaving my first x, who was so abusive (it’s been 1 year of NC), then living alone in a big city, but I can’t stop beating myself up. I feel negative with every thought. I think I need to see a cognitive therapist. My whole thought process is just messed and i know I just need positive influence and advice. I know I have a good life. I am loved and blessed. But I still feel so poisoned with his pure negativity. His name keeps playing over and over and over in my head.
Sorry, kinda wanted to vent there…I am acting like my story is differenent. But I have read all the posts, and I know that is far from the truth. I just wish that I could have my positive attitude back again. I just want peace again.
Letgo: I lived in San Francisco for 6 years when I was your age. I found it to be my spiritual home. I missed it and dreamed about going back many years after I moved to CO. I used to walk down to El Toro’s Taqueria on Valencia Street (no longer exists) or hop a bus up to Tennessee Valley Road and ride my bike to the beach there. I remember once walking through Golden Gate Park and stumbled upon a free concert with Santana and John Lee Hooker. Those were the days. I know the city has changed a lot in the last 20 years. But it still can be a magical place. When you’re down and lonely, though, the city can swallow you up and make you feel invisible.
San Francisco is also the mecca for all types of spiritual and healing centers. If you decide to stay there, could you find a church or support group? I think it’s really helpful at this point to be surrounded by loving people!!!!
Stargazer-
I know, Northern Califonnia is one of the most beautiful parts of the country, and i have this opportunity that many others will never have the chance, so that is why I am hesitatnt to leave. And I am bitter that I am letting him ruin this time for me. I am LETTING him, as I said, and I know that. I do feel invisible, and pretty darn lonely, though. I know tennesse valley, i’ve hiked around there before to the secret beach. Small world,huh? Free concerts in Golden Gate are definietly so much fun :)There are so many places I want to experience, but I have no one to share it with. i have ‘aquaintences’, but then again, we can find them anywhere. I want someone I can call and say, “can we just hang tonight?” I miss my sister 🙁 I miss the comfort. I can’t tell you how many times he made (an empty) promise to take me to all these pretty places with me. And guess what? Of course he didn’t mean it. I am so numb that EVERYTHING was a lie, and it hit me like a figgin’ bomb. Now I’m just lonely, confused, and well, I just feel lost in a dream. Completely invisible. Lonely, but surrounded by millions.
I’m scared that this is leading to a really deep depression.
I know, or I at least hope, I’ll get out of this stump I’m in, I just need time I guess. But damn, this is so hard…
Thanks 🙂 You guys are my comfort.
I’m so glad I came across this blog. I just last week got out of a 2 year relationship with what I now know was a sociopath. I met him in graduate school, and he was smart and driven. He was living with his son and the mother of his son. He maintained that they were not together, and were only living together for their son, and he was moving out soon. Well, after school ended he would come to visit me in Philadelphia (he lived in Boston) about twice a month. He always brought gifts and did things around the house to keep me “safe”. I was 24 when I started dating him, and he seemed to really have it together. (He was 29 when we met). After almost a year, I made it clear that we could no longer see eachother if he was still living with his ex-girlfriend. I see this now as a huge glaring red flag, but he had me convinced that they were both seeing other people and it was on the up and up. He then moved to Philadelphia to be closer to me. I was thrilled at first that he was making this step. He even proposed to me right before he moved here, but I thought it was way too fast and told him so. Then the emotional abuse began. He made me feel guilty for seeing my friends, would follow me to catch me cheating which I never did. Also, he read some of my emails, one from a guy named Mike, and planted flowers on my doorstep when he was coming over with a note from “Mike” to try to catch me in a lie. There’s so much more, but that’s the gist. At this point I was so wrapped up in him that I honestly believed that I needed him. He took pride in “taking care of me”. All this while, he would travel once or twice a month to Michigan to visit his son. Both he and his ex-girlfriend had moved there when he moved out and to Philadelphia. Out of nowhere one day, a year after he’d been here, he told me he needed to be closer to his son and moved to Chicago. This happened in the span of four days. I was devestated, but he continued to call and visit and tell me he wanted to make things work. He was here last week and talked about moving back to Philly and even applied for jobs here. He’s a chef, so it’s easy for him to move around and find a job. He checked his email on my computer and I guess did not log out because the next time I opened it, his email popped up. Normally, I would never read someone’s personal email, but there were postings and responses for anonomyous sex from craigslsit. There was also a file of emails from his ex-girlfriend indicating they were anything but ex’s. I confronted him, he denied it. I was concerned for my health first, and have been tested for everything. I also emailed his ex-girlfriend and found out that that they have in fact been together for 16 years. He told her he moved here for the job. That ring he proposed to me with, he gave to her 5 months later and she accepted. So he was engaged for most of the time he lived here near me. I have not had any contact with him since, but I just feel helpless. I’m so angry and I don’t know how to deal with remembering all the things he told me and how they were all lies. Thanks for reading this/listening, I think talking about it helps.
Dear dear letgoletgod,
It sounds to me like you may be clinically depressed, and sometimes it takes some professional evaluation/treatment to help you get better.
I’m not a “pill pusher” by any means or think that they “cure all problems” but believe me sometimes medication is what we need to help us get back on track so we can concentrate and focus on our healing.
Please consider this because I know you have been suffering so much and having so many problems letting go. At least talk to a mental health professional. (((hugs)))) and always prayers.
Hi everyone,
It’s again been quite a while since I came for a visit but this time my visit is for much different reasons than before….and reading this article, your posts and in particularly letgoletgod’s pain solidify’s I need to be here again.
I am still somewhat shocked, hoping this is not premature but I stay cautiously optimistic. I came here to ‘pay it forward’ if you will today. For some reason the last two months of this 2.5 year hell seem like the actual tail end of that blacker than black powerful darkness. I think I am actually out of the chains and am actually me. I’ve been sitting here the past few hours just so utterly happy…I’ve been trying to analyze how this actually happened, how I suddenly see me, see colours, see people, have my own thoughts. There’s days that go by now that the freak isn’t even pass by! I still can’t beleive it fully but I am more confident now then ever before that I could never be tempted by him again. I see him, the facade, the evil for all it is. I intellectually saw much much earlier but not emotionally. I am now aligned…and not just with myself…with the rest of life. I can’t even describe the bewilderment and sheer amazement that I actually feel this…I truly thought I would be bleed forever, isolated, and jailed.
One of the BIGGEST FACTORS throughout this process has been this site. Through every horrific stage it gave me exactly what I needed at that time. I recall reading bloggers just like this thinking…whatever…happy for you but tell me how the hell you got there. I have a hard time even writing as I recall the depths of that evil and reading Letgoletgod’s pain…I so know what you feel.
I truly thought I was going to remain in that place forever…it just never went away. I felt like a misfit in society and looked at people with vacant eyes. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I ruminated about him…the dream of him…trying to rationalize over and over again why his behaviors could be accepted…hence why so many trials of NC. I wanted that dream so bad and he presented it so perfectly. I had never been so ‘high’ before. I recall from another blog a few months ago one rational which really struck home to me about why it is so hard to let go. These S’s are master mirrors and reflect you and all your dreams..which is why you fall so hard and why you don’t want to let go.
I just want to let people know that there really is actual light at the end…literally…I see differently.
I’m not saying I’m completely out of the woods because I haven’t really dabbled in dating other men but regardless of that…I almost don’t even care…I’m just so happy the S is not dominating my spirit anymore. I see him as a sick reptile who could never even come close the the light in me.
The only thing I can say with certainty is that as much as the pain grasps your soul…it really is part of the process to freedom. Getting you back. It will often feel 3 steps ahead, ten feet back…don’t let that discourage you…just feel it and accept that feeling for whatever it is trying to tell you. Even if you can’t hear it whispers will plant seeds…they will grow. It is a damn process and by far the hardest thing I’ve experienced so far. Let the pain in…examine what it’s about.
I am now almost grateful the pain was as strong as it was for now I truly know what pure happiness and freedom are.
Thank you Lovefraud and everyone. We are all connected and we will all survive. Please beleive there really is light.
Ox-
Thanks. Thats exactly what my mom tolde me this morning. My mom is wonderful, and i love her very much, but she has been seeing a therapist and taking depression pills for years, and i think i just have it in my head that i don’t want to end up like her. I keep thinking I can fix myself, but it seems I just keep getting into these terrible relatioships, and nothing changes.
My entire family has been pleading with me to see a therapist for the past 2 years, since I started dating the first S in Florida.
I think it’s time, I agree, to talk to someone. But will it really help? It seems nothing is helping. I felt the happiest i have ever been when i moved out here, and look how that turned out! i am not sure if it was because I was living with my sister, and i thought I met the guy I was supposed to be with. Talk about euphoria, all within weeks of getting out of an abusinve relationship. I was as high as the sky! But now they are both gone and I’m depressed again. Should i leave to be with my family, since i just can’t make it here, or stay and believe God is doing this for a reason, and i will get through this? I know I keep finding happiness on the outside, that is fleeting. There is definitely something that I need to fix in my life, and it certainly isn’t just my x-s.
Thanks guys. I really do need you all right now.
Lauren-
It does help to talk, mixed in with reading. When I read (yours and others) posts, it is all so obvious, but it’s always your own advice that is hard to take, ya know!
My advice, (that I am being a hypocrite for : P), is keep yourself busy with trying new things. And pampering yourself. I’m running in circles like a chicken without a head, and look where that is getting me! i know what i need to do…Try new things, and focus on making ME happy, and stop worrying so much about HIMHIMHIM!~