Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
hens
Indigoblue you certainly have spiced up the website~~~!!!! may I ask your birth sign? are you a scorpio??
Indigoblue
Hahahahahaha
Guess again :0 !
Indigoblue
HOT DAM HENERY You Friggin Nailed it!
Indigoblue
I want to say that I am sorry if i come across or read as arrogant ! I do allways think that I am right but I am not about to mince words ! I will addmit when I am wrong or have spoken before i fully understand . Henry here is a clue “perfect is almost good enough” If that doesnt tell you my sign nothing will and thats about how much worth i have for signs anyhow.
I was In Naw leans for three years of my Navy existance or tour
I did that sign thing and got a print out
It was a bit disturbin how accurate it be so I threw it away! :)~ love Jere
hens
Virgo??
Iwonder
Hi Wini: About working on oneself. When I caught my x cheating and kicked him out, he told me “I need to work on me.” He’s not. If he were, he’d be alone awhile and try to get his own place, own car, etc. He just moved out from my place to hers. still has no car and is sponging off the new victim. i don’t see a change. His last words to me were “I hope you find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.” His sick way of “loving” someone is to own them. To control them. Dominate. That’s not love. I guess the new victim enjoys this humiliation. It’s just a matter of time til he verbally assaults her. She will put up with it. When he left he said “…loves me. she knows i’ve made mistakes and is willing to forgive me and work it out with me.” She, the OW, does not help these S’s. Knowing he lied to her about living with me and involved, she accepted him. She thinks he won’t do that to her. How do they continually get away with this? Are these women that desparate? 2 months after he moved out he wanted to get together. He was willing to cheat on that woman with me in a heartbeat. I told him no. As long as you are with another woman, I will not see you. Sorry. Good thing I did that. I may have gotten sucked in to allowing him to play 2 of us again. NOPE. Aint gonna happen. He still doesn’t know right from wrong..or he does and choses to be an ass.
hens
Hi Iwonder – I would often ask my X ( Why dont you get your own place – then you wont have to answer to anybody) then he could whore around all he wanted too. But he has never lived on his own. He need’s to be taken care of, he needs that connection he gets from belonging to someone. But he still wanted to be free to do whatever. He asked onetime when I kicked him out what it would take to get me back and I said ( Get your own place and invite me over for dinner) well that didnt happen, now he is bound by someone else’s rules and he will break every rule and then on to the next and the next…..I want to add to NO CONTACT – NC – should be NCFE – no contact for ever – let go Iwonder just let go been 7 months and I can say I have let go……….
Indigoblue
Hahahahahahaah YUPPPPPER ! you so smart! :)~
Indigoblue
Ihave to admit it is somewhat ammusing now to sit here comfortable and see how when I thought I was alone and dealing with it the monster and trying to help it and be the good Christian I have been taught to be and forgive and I am my brothers keeper yes I am !
even if I offered a relationship void of sex ! Ya know I see it now I dont have any money
HOW the hell is that going to work for it??????
no beer
no food
no elect. no phone no cable or direct tv
No weed
no crack
no ac
no nothin what the F**k ?
Hahahahahahahahahaha I absolutely friggin love it!!!!!!!***
I got his name for you all
tapeworm !
:)~ love jere
Indigoblue
Oh here
MySpace.com/Natureboy0620…
facebook too Natureboy0620
Good nite my Precious ! MINE!