Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
Hi Gemini and LIG: Mine has a receding hairline and always wears a visor or baseball cap. He’s a jerk. He works out all the time and yet used to tell me to stop worrying what I look like. When I watched my weight or wanted to wear nice clothes he used to accuse me of wanting to attract other men. He was so controlling. He has no clue what love is. His version of love is “possession.” He wouldn’t let me go anywhere by myself. I would get constant backlashes if I even stopped to get gas somewhere by myself. I couldn’t go out anywhere with him without him causing a scene accusing me of looking at guys. He cut me off from my friends and family. He wouldn’t let me sleep either. He would play computer games in the living room til 2 am and constantly bang the mouse on the desk during the game, and when he finally came in the bedroom, he put on this huge standing fan because he needed the noise. The wind blowing all night in my face. It sucked. It was all about control. Basically, I could sleep when he said so. Then when his son moved in it was 2 against 1. Both lying to me about where they’d go some nights together when he and the boy would go out with the OW. How sick is that? The more time that passes, the more I feel ill about how I allowed to be treated like a dog on a leash. All my money flushed down the toilet.
My hurt has turned to anger now. I’m angry at him and angry at myself.
I’m both of these things all at once. It makes me feel bi-polar or maybe it’s just that Gemini thing. He was subtle with his jealousy. He would call and ask where I was. That was probably for two reasons 1) so he’d know what I was doing and who I was with and 2) so he could make sure I didn’t try to find out where HE was.
I got so pissed the other day thinking about when he came to the restaurant to find out where his new phone was – I was still working there and he was at his new gig. And I made a snide comment about Sagittarius people. He told me “you better watch how you say stuff.” Every now and again I think about how I let him treat me and get mad and relive the scenario in a different way. Where I just cussed him out. That was the old me. I would have cussed you out in a heartbeat for something like that. But with him he just kept me so off-balance that I got so tired I didn’t want to argue about it anymore.
Now. I’m pissed! Angry! Hurt! Sad! Thanks to this site and some very good friends I avoided going to his restaurant, walking in and just palming him in his face.
P.S. I’m pissed at myself too. Don’t worry. I know my blame.
oh and I remembered something else. It should have been one of the many red flags. He once told me his ex-wife said “I had to go into the other room and pray I didn’t hit you in the head with the lamp bc you were laying there all peaceful like nothing was wrong.” He did that all of the time. Would work me into an arguement, force me to have sex with him and wake up the next day either like nothing had happened or kissing me and telling me he was sorry and everything would be okay.
Even down to the last day – i told him to get his stuff and he came home at 3:00 a.m. after being with the 18 year old no less – mentally and sexually abused me and woke up the next day and said, “Do I not have any clean socks.”
He actually said that. To which I replied “uh, they’re in the basket along with your other %*$# that you need to take with you bc I’m putting you out.”
Okay, wait a minute… why do I still think about him and miss him and feel love for him?
Gemini: I know what you mean. Mine would want a “quickie” sometimes right before I left the door for work…I was late so many times. I think he just wanted to “mark his territory” or try to get me fired…again. I’m not going shopping where I know he goes with the OW. I will not give him the satisfaction because either he wants to A. see if i will get jealous or B. see if the other woman gets jealous. You did the right thing by putting him out. Mine would fight with me then leave the house to the OW then come home like nothing happened and say “i really want to work it out with you.” Gee, did he ever think perhaps stopping the cheating may be the key to “working things out?” Nooooo. I’m glad I found out about the OW. I wasn’t supposed to. His evil plan was to leave without a trace. Since I dumped the last of his stuff off the other night I can have NC. I blocked texted messaging on my phone so he won’t text me. If I see his number pop up, i simply don’t pick up.
I hope the OW is having fun being abused.
PS: Thank God I have my Mom, my sisters, my cousin and this blog to vent to.
IWonder: Exactly! The last straw for me putting him out was hearing from my neighbor that the 18 year old’s car was in my driveway. I asked him about? He had an answer. I didn’t like it I told him to get to steppin.
Funny how he tried to flip it like all of a sudden “we needed space.” He told our friend that, “aw man, we just needed some space.” Yeah, space, that’s why you were with her two days laughter. I’m glad I found out about the girl. I know there were more than that but for some reason (her age) just stuck with me more and that is the only time I wish I hadn’t found out about her. I seriously can be more nosey than my own good and when I found her on Facebook and saw when she had graduated from h.s. I felt sick to my stomach.
My self-esteem – what I had left of it by the time I found out – was pretty much bottom out at that point. Only now am I accepting of the fact that being in my 30s is fabulous and you couldn’t pay me to be a teenager. Even my sense of style is better.
Thank God for this blog!!!!
I haven’t contacted the OW to tell her he is just using her for a place to live like he did me because she won’t believe it. What i did do though is contact the county prosecutor’s office when i was trying to recover my property. He gave back the stuff just before i gave the green light to the detective to go knocking on his door. I let the S know i contacted the prosecutor’s office and he is on their radar and should he EVER try to steal a woman’s money or property again he is finished. That’s the best I could do to prevent another tradgedy.
I was so close on several occassions to calling her parents to warn them. But I somehow just make myself walk away from doing any of that. I guess I’m going to have to cut my losses and just know I’m not going to get anything back. Iwonder – I have to tell you I don’t even know if he’s even still messing with this girl – I’m assuming he is. But I don’t know. I just know how I left it. Him moving back with his mom, his using his mom’s cell phone, his still being at the restaurant. Her still driving her parents car, her still living with her parents.
That’s why I need to find something to do with my life bc I am constantly thinking about what I don’t even know for sure.
Gemini: One of the reasons I don’t contact the OW is God forbid she throw him out. He may try to contact me. I’d rather he stay with her than knock on my door. I’m hoping he sets up another woman again before he’s done with her so he doesn’t knock on my door. I know this sounds wierd but I’m safe so long as he’s with her. Who knows. Someday she may contact me. But right now, I’m letting sleeping dogs lie.
About doing something with your life…don’t worry..this too shall pass. I know myself and have grieved over a broken relationship before and face it’s something i just have to ride out. With me, like in the past, it’s like a switch going off in my head. Last time I went through this, one day I woke up and thought to myself, “I don’t want to feel like this anymore” and POOF! The sadness, loneliness and despair disappeared like magic!! The mind is a powerful thing. I used to smoke cigarettes for 15 years. I really didn’t want to smoke anymore so for one full week when I went to bed before I fell asleep I did a countdown. Each night I said to myself, in 7 days, i will no longer smoke. Then said in 6 nights, etc, etc. On that 7th day when i woke up, i did not smoke cigarettes ever again. Cold turkey. Now that is mind blowing. One day, hopefully soon, I will wake up with that refreshed feeling of not wanting to feel bad anymore…and just won’t!!!
IWonder – That’s what I’m looking for. That I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I posted in another place that I’m exhausted! Exhausted from trying NOT to call him. I’m tired of this crap. But I know it’s something I have to ride out. I hope I can go into 09′ better than I did 08′.