Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
Dear Molly,
Here’s a hug for you since you stopped in.
I’m sending hugs even though I’m feeling a bit numb today. I feel like some very strong emotion is lurking just below the surface but I can’t access it. I didn’t eat much of the day and tried to eat some tonight at the store. I felt nauseous and like I wanted to scream and cry. Last I heard, you can’t do that kind of stuff in the supermarket, even in Walmart (well MAYBE in Walmart…..). I feel like there is this tension in my head, and I have a huge headache. Also my stomach is upset. I don’t know what is going on with me. I am going to drink some cold water and settle down to watch a movie.
I thought about the ex today and how he hasn’t been on the reptile site for exactly a month yesterday. Though I’m relieved not to have to deal with him any more, I started wondering if it’s because he found his next victim. The thought upset me.
My self-esteem has not been good today. I was feeling jealous of all the beautiful women in the store, even though I’m fairly attractive myself. I didn’t have the motivation to shower or put on makeup before I went out. It was just buy the stuff and come home where I have been sitting in front of the computer today. I wonder if anyone else is going through periods of numbness where you don’t feel anything but just get headaches or muscle tensions?
I guess I’m just not having a good day. Something is trying to break free, and I don’t know what it is. It is something that’s been there for a long long time.
Thank you all for being my therapist today.
Hugs again
StarG
Yes, Wini, and it wasn’t in this instance about “love.” LOL I was discussing a fact, and my friend disagreed with me, gave me a book to read on the “facts” and I read it, still sure of my own rightness and sure enough THERE ON THE PAGE IN HER VERY OWN BOOK WAS PROOF THAT I WAS RIGHT AND SHE WAS WRONG.
I slammed that book shut, feeling very SMUG and righteous! LOL Yea, right@.......
So later I took the book back to her and said “Your very own book proves I am RIGHT and you are WRONG.” She said “read it aloud” and I did, and as I read the words slowly and carefully aloud, I realized that it PROVED HER POINT not mine. But I had been so intent on being “right” that I had “hallucinated” the words on the page I wanted to see.
Thge old “don’t confuse me with facts, MY MIND IS MADE UP”LOL and I look back at that and I see how our emotions, our prejudices, or biases TWIST how we “see” things.
Just like with political statements “He is for the little man” or “he wants to help American people get jobs” and these are not FACTS (though they may be) but they are ABSTRACT statements of opinions. Yet people fight like crazy over these statements being “true or not.”
Same with religion. What is a FACT and what is an OPINION? Yet people twist words on paper to mean anyhting they want them to mean.
What is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong? Even what is up and what is down? Even 2+2 =s WHAT? LOL
It was just an “ah ha” moment for me, and actually took place years and years ago, but has always stuck in my mind that “reality” is relative. I may feel hot at a temperature in which you feel cold. So we both are in the same room but our “realities” are different.
Telepathic communication is a GIVEN NORMAL THING with certain tribes of the bushmen and the Bantu, yet our “reality” is that such a thing is impossible. We don’t “believe” in such things as mind to mind direct communication because we are “scientific” and “rational” and “such things are not possible” but I have SEEN EVIDENCE of it. I believe some people CAN and DO commucinate this way.
Some people believe they have been “abducted by space aliens” and that is THEIR REALITY. Were they actually abducted by space aliens and their bodies and blood tested? It isn’t MY reality, the aliens never took ME but does that mean that they never took them? ?????? who knows?
Am I crazy or is my reality twisted? I’m not totally sure, but as long as I am comfortable with it, then what I believe is REAL to ME.
If I feel sad, that is my reality. If I am happy that is my reality. I also believe I have control over whether or not I am happy or sad. If I believe I have no control, then I WILL HAVE NO CONTROL, but simply by believing I have control, it is there. A self-fulfilling prphecy.
“Don’t confuse me with facts, my mind is made up.”
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I didn’t want to believe I could control my emotions or my reactions, but my therapist insisted I could. I can choose to be angry at X event, or choose to “let it slide.” If I think that I have no choice in the matter then I am at the “mercy” of every “wind that blows” but if I believe I can and I do take control of my own destiny, then I can have control of my own destiny.
So I BELIEVE. I am believing more every day as I SEE evidence that I can do this. I want the JOY tht comes from not being a piece of flotsum in the sea of life. I can swim, I can paddle, I can put up a sail and control my directions. Sure there will be occasional storms but as long as I believe I can influence my destiny then I can and I will.
I am going to paddle and bail and stop CHOPPING HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF MY OWN BOAT. LOL
Oxy your love of people and of life overflows. That’s all it is … your love being stopped by others who won’t love, therefore, think they can’t love.
It is a mindset. I hope others understand. What we believe expands and becomes our reality.
That’s why life is easier if we focus on God’s virtues … how God wants us to live.
We focus on living our lives through HUMILITY to combat living a life through PRIDE.
We focus on living our lives through KINDNESS to combat living a life through ENVY.
We focus on living our lives through ABSTINENCE to combat living a life through GLUTTONY.
We focus on living our lives through CHASTITY to combat living a life through LUST.
We focus on living our lives through PATIENCE to combat living a life through ANGER.
We focus on living our lives through LIBERALITY to combat living a life through GREED.
We focus on living our lives through DILIGENCE to combat living a life through SLOTH.
The pain caused us by our EXs is simple to understand if we step back and examine it.
Our EXs never wanted to focus on living their lives by focusing on God’s virtues.
Instead, they allowed their EGOS to live their lives. They learned at very young ages that they could get what they want, when they wanted, if only they PRETENDED to be virtuous.
Pretending to be virtuous doesn’t allow a person to gain wisdom by focusing on the vices.
Instead, our EX s pretending to be virtuous learned the opposite of virtue, that of vice. They are in a perpetual spin of vice which is opposite of God’s virtues.
Therefore, because they did not focus, living and learning (wisdom) virtues in life they ended up doing and learning the opposite (not obtaining wisdom) ” that which is made of the vices of life.
That’s it in a nutshell.
Peace.
I read these post and realize I am not alone in this. I think we get to a point where intellectually we know what has happened. But emotionally it is different. Southernman your comment about love/hate/loss after she has been gone so long – makes me wonder if some of us will ever completley heal. And so many of us are suffering broken hearts and dreams and they have moved on and pay us not a thought. I still wonder what he is up to, where is he at? Does he regret what he did? Why doesnt he move a mountain to get us back on the right track. We had something special? No No No they are what they are and why do I miss him? Why? Too those of you just realizing what has happened. To those of you who are barely functional and the anxiety and depression has such a grip on you – I would like to say that pain will ease and you will get back to a more normal you. When will you stop hurting? I can’t answer that – I am still waiting for that myself. But 6 months ago I was a total wreck – and today I am somewhat human again. I know with out a doubt I was victimized and abused. I wish and hope and pray that we all find happiness and joy again. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is going to take more time – more time than I want to give this nitemare. If this is a lesson that will ultimately make me a more whole self then I am willing to continue. I often think about changing my screename here to something that is genderless. But regardless – like Wini has said’at least I had a heart that breaks’ and it still aches big time. But I am putting faith in me that I will one day be just a normal guy again – what ever normal is – I just want too send out some hugs and hope to all of you today that you are good people and you did nothing to deserve this – but it did happen and only you can mend your broken heart and we must live through this – because life is so short. I took back my life when I set him free – free to continue using other’s – but I can’t help that – I can only help myself be the good person that I know I am. I feel sorry for (HIM) really I do -but the irony in that is – he feel’s nothing -how sad. seven months no contact – seven months of healing from a three year relationship of pain. What I feel now is loss and I know my brain is confused because l lost nothing worth loving. And I am so glad he is gone and so sad at the same time. I am out of tear’s and past the worst part but still kind of numb. Thanks to all of you for sharing your story’s. And thanks to all of for your support and compassion…peace
Good Day everyone:
What’s so good about it some might ask?
We all woke up!!!! Yep, it’s that simple.
I remember when I left my EX, I had to stay at a shelter. That is when I realizes that despite my unwillingness to let him get the best of me, he did. I had no place else to go..no friends, no $, no GUT”S to say what I wanted so badly to say. Sometimes I think I remained silent because I had no idea how to put my feelings into words. I had spent so long denying them, now I had no way of describing them.
Anyway, when I went to the shelter I looked at all the plaques on the wall. First I thought they were people who contributed money for the new center. After closer observation and questioning one of the workers; I found that they were the names of people who had stayed at the shelter and went back to their abuser……..their names were on the plaques because they were dead. They were ither killed, or they killed their self because they resorted to unhealthy ways to relieve themselves of the pain and uncertainty, the unanwsered questions, the feelings of crazyness….I could go on and on… For some it was alcohol or drug abuse, some it was sucide .
So, if we are reading this….no matter how $hitty of a day we can convince ourself it is…because of what HAS happened….it is actually a GREAT day.
We can not say that we are alone, because even though we can not see each other, we have each other.
We can NOT try and convince ourselfs that NO one else could understand…because WE do.
And each time we have the strength to share our experiences, strenghts and hopes..we help save each others soul, but most important….we lighten our load..thus giving ourself more strenght to face another day.
STARGAZER: Someone once told me the best revenge we can have against our Ex’s….Is to be scucessfull.
I too have moments where I feel like I am going to throw up. My head pounds, my heart races, my mind fills up with woulda’s, coulda’s and shoulda’s. I beat myself up, but I did not have the courage to stand up for myself. I tell myself that I was wrong and that I was just a UNGREATFULL Bit@h.
I mean he changed all the locks (4) on the front door and removed 280 box’s of his things 2 days after I went to the shelter…I must be a untrust worthy person. IF I WAS AS GREAT, LOVING, SUBMISSIVE AND OBEDIANT AS I THOUGHT I WAS, WHAY HAS HE REFUSSED MY CALLS, EMAILS ATTEMPTS TO TALK? Somewhere I read a quote and I wish I could remember exactly how it went..but the person was refering to a sociopath..they said something like this “and when he is through with you…and he will be through with you”…there was obviously more..but those words hit me like a brick…I feel selfish when I say “but I did everything but wipe his butt and chew his food..from 4 am till he fell asleep…I woke up before I woke up trying to make sure that I could anticipate his every need and insure that he not have to endure any stress. HOW COULD HE BE THROUgH WITH ME?
Last but not least…If I can not get a sociopath to love me…how will ANYONE be able to love me….I just must have to face the fact that I am unlovable and that I will be alone for the rest of my life….I want to be here on earth fully participating to make the best out of it….I do not want to be here..just because I would feel guilty if I left my adult son to have to deal with the thought that his mother had to be “crazy” cause she could not handle life on lif’s terms.
SOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I had to come here to this site, because I wanted to look up flights again. I wanted to fly back to were I escaped, sit in front of the house I used to live in and wait for him. I wanted/want him to tell me why. I want to know if he will repluse me or if I would go weak at the knees.
Just writing, reading and sharing helps to give me the kick in the butt I need to REMIND MYSELF THAT I AM GLAD I WOKE UP>>>>Going back or calling and expecting different results will only end up with me having my name on a plaque….and I don’t want to go there.
Hang in there everyone…we may not be much but were all we’ve got and that’s SOOOOO!! much better than what “THEY” have.
Love, hug’s and kiss’s to all….Molly
Henry, Henry, Henry … don’t change your screen name … I like singing the 3 H’s (LOL).
You are in pain because you believed your ex to be like you … living life through love and all the virtues. All of us believed our EXs to be like ourselves.
We are all in pain because of the same thing … we want our EXs to understand and appreciate LOVE and all the rest of the virtues.
Hey, I’d rather be in pain due to LOVING someone than for others reasons. And, there are many other reasons we could be blogging about … thank God we only had to deal with this big hurdle. And we all know what a doozey it is.
But, we’ll get through it … there’s just no quick fixes … we ALL just have to stay the course to come out to the other side. And there is another side … slowly but surely, we’ll work our way back to all the positives of God’s virtues.
We just got sidetracked … slammed without warning … taken off our bearings … that’s why we waffle back and forth … it’s us being off balance due to unraveling the horror of the reality of what they TRULY are. And our hearts break for them … all of them … because life doesn’t have to be like this … but we have free will, just as our EXs have free will.
We chose to live righteously by taking virtuous paths in life and hence, it became a way of life for us … just as our EXs chose not to live righteously … so that too became a way of life for them.
We are dealing with the opposite from people coming into our lives pretending to be, know, understand what virtuous living is … to find out in horror, they have no clue what virtue is, how it feels, what it includes, how we got it and became whole (full) … how they never obtained it and stayed empty (devoid).
Peace and hugs Henry.
This is a good article, because I have asked myself on many occasions what it is about a Sociopath that attracts people to them. I honestly think that there are just as many female S’s as there are men. The difference being that men rarely come out and talk about the emotional pain somebody has caused them. Some men are attracted to dominant women. Usually because it’s the exact opposite of them. What they don’t understand is that they were maneuvered into a subservient position through trickery. Sociopathic women give compliments that are actually disses in disguise.
Yesterday I tried to help my husband’s ex-wife’s husband to see that he can’t “fix” her. He was going to testify against her at the trial for us. Once she found out, she reeled him back in and he’s going to give it one more shot. He told me that she freaks out about everything–from something being out of place, to how he’s dressed, etc, etc. It’s maddening because that is how she is with all her men eventually. She did it to my husband. And to try to HELP somebody see that they don’t have to waste their lives loving somebody who can’t return that love is like trying to help the river run the other direction. I guess I said too much to him. But he STARTED the conversation! I really don’t know what’s wrong with the guy! I can guarantee she’s cheating on him right now, and he doesn’t see it. HE CAN’T FIX HER, CHANGE HER, OR MAKE HER BETTER. AND HE WON’T HELP HIMSELF. I guess it’s his problem then. He just goes back and forth so much. From being terrified of her in the dark and kicking her to the curb and talking about her using her daughter as a pawn to get him to stay with her (she plopped the 1 yr old in front of him and said, “how could you do this to her?”), to “she just needs to go to her therapist and let her help her make better choices.” I guess he’s just not ready yet. But he will be.
Molly, your post really lifted my spirits today. I still have a headache and feel out of sorts. Though I know you weren’t trying to be funny, I had to laugh at your statement, “If I can’t get a sociopath to love me, then how will anyone love me?” If you can EVER get a sociopath to love ANYONE, you will be qualified for sainthood! LOL
It’s still really hard believe that the sweet unassuming guy I dated actually set me up to exploit me. I’m still scratching my head at this one. He just doesn’t seem like the type. Oh well. I’m at a bit of a loss of how to proceed with my healing at this point. I seem to have reached a plateau and I feel stuck. I guess I will watch another movie and tile my kitchen wall tomorrow. Like OxD, I love doing stuff around my little condo and trying to make it prettier.
Hugs to everyone,
StarG
Dear Molly,
Your “pretending” that everything was okay and that None of it “happened” is how I lived mylife with mymother.
Even after all that she had done to me and lately she said to me when I tried to talk to her “I don’t want to talk about that, LET’S JUST PRETEND NONE OF THIS HAPPENED.”
NO, I DON’T WANT TO PRETEND THAT YOU DIDN’T ABUSE ME ANY MORE. I am tried of playling “let’s pretend that you love me” too.
Your attitude about being in a shelter is wonderful, Molly, and I think that the shelter’s plaques is wonderful too. To show women (and men) that you can END UP DEAD WITH THESE DUDES (AND DUDETTES) They WILL KILL YOU and think NOTHING OF IT.
Not leaving when we are in danger, or denying that danger to keep from “losing” our home, or our car or whatever, is I think what keeps some of these people, primarily women, from leaving and saving their lives–it ALMOST MADE ME LOSE MINE BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE MY HOME.
I finally saw tht it was stay and die, or leave and live. I bought a recreational trailer to live in and got a friend tolet me put it on his lake property in a neighborhood of cabins and RVs (hide in plain sight) and no one paid any attention to another Rv moving into the area. I took only my bare necessities and my dogs and important papers and SNEAKED out of my home. I left not knowing if I would ever be able to return home. But I decided that my life was worth more than a house, or land, or my community, or anything else.
I know how hard it is to make that decision to RUN and leave most or all of what you have (your home etc.) when you are not sure you are really in danger, when you want to deny that you are in danger but you just can’t “pretend” any longer, when reality smacks you “up’side the head.”
I admire your strength Molly, and your guts! I know how hard it is, but you did it and I’m so glad your name is not on that plaque wall! TOWANDA!
OxD, another way of saying what you said is “Energy follows thought.” That which you think becomes your reality. We can most certainly can choose to think happy thoughts if we want. Even when we are sad and in pain, we can find something to have gratitude for.
I am looking to apply your words of wisdom to this strange disconnected feeling I’m experiencing right now. I certainly don’t feel happy. It’s always a test to love and accept myself when I am out of sorts like this. If I learned anything from years of Buddhist meditation, is that everything arises and passes away.