Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
Also love her terms “future faked” and “fast forwarded”
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
Dear Never again your above post bears repeating!
QUOTE:
But I have come to realize that one way I was giving away my power, sanity, time, attention etc. was by trying to “make things right” or “explain what I meant” or “get closure”.
For example, if I get an angry and foul email from someone, and my first response is “OH, they clearly misunderstood, let me clear this up for them—.I stop myself and remind myself a) this person chose to be rude to me b) it is not my job to “help” anyone who has been rude to me, or illuminate for them where they are off, etc. . In fact, it is rather presumptuous of me c) I don’t care what rude people think of me or what they say about me”chances are good everyone else just thinks they are rude too! d) past experiences have taught me that they will just be rude again in the future, despite whatever I “work out” with them.
And with people who did NOT misunderstand something, but were just rude or whatever”there is even less reason to interact further with them.
I’m finally at peace with people hating me, people thinking the wrong thing about me, people saying something to me that shows how way off base their thinking is, etc. I just comment something like “interesting point of view, sorry I’ve got to go.” Or just walking away and no comment at all. They can think they put me in my place, they can think I’m hurt, they can think I’m angry”.I don’t care.
I think some of us who grew up with a narc or worse spent a lot of time trying to read them, tip toe around them, explain ourselves, clarify things, apologize, get closure, etc. Old habits die hard.
And if it is your own behavior that you are in conflict about, it is best worked out with a therapist or your diary or here, but NOT with the guy.
I’m almost to the point of ONE strike, you are out, and I don’t owe you or even want to give you any feedback, explanation, etc. I don’t necessarily hate the person, I’m just done with them. I don’t think it is insincere to simply be polite and get the hell away from them as soon as you can. I worry less about my obligation to THEM and more about protecting my valuable time and emotional energy and what I choose to focus on.
END QUOTE
WOW!!!! I swear I totally agree with you, you said it so perfectly, just what I was thinking but haven’t put into words. THANK YOU!!!!!!
I’m pretty close to that “one strike you’re out” myself. Depending on the particular “strike”–and how serious and premeditated it is.
It has been a looooong time coming but I am becoming more and more toward the realization that I am NOT responsible for what others think of me, or for “clarifying” or “keeping the peace”—-there is a big difference in peace keeping and peace MAKING.
Learning to let God run the universe and me take a back seat, just being responsible for myself has been a long time coming but I think I’m on the way to getting there.
THANKS for a well phrased post. Lots of stuff to chew on there.
Thank you, Oxy, that means a lot coming from you, because you’ve been a main teacher who got me to this place!
I guess I’m so used to putting up with less than stellar behavior from people because this just seems to be the way people behave. Most regard it as normal to have their cell phones attached to their ears. Seems you shouldn’t have to ask people to turn off their cell phones when involved in an activity. But when you ask them, they act as if you are the most needy person on earth. I was really starting to feel as if I was just making a big deal about the cell phone thing. Both of these people I’m thinking about know I think it’s rude, and they have their justifications why they do it anyway. I don’t know if I care enough about the friendships to even say anything. I don’t really care. But I’m feeling depressed today anyway. I think the mysterious skin rash is due in part to stress.
I searched the net for hours and could not find a rash that looked like mine. Then I bought some homeopathic antihistamines at the health food store. At the check out counter, the cashier told me he had a rash too and showed me on his arms. It’s the same thing I have. He said he thinks it’s a combination of winter eczema and possibly hives from stress. It was comforting to know I’m probably not contagious anyway.
Sorry not feeling great and just rambling.
Stargazer,
I hear what your saying about cell phone use. Sometimes when I’m massaging someone their cell phone will go off. Most people say “sorry, I forgot to turn it off” Others say “I need to take this call”ugh. Well, I just keep on massaging! If they want to spend their hour of “relaxation” talking on the phone while I massage their back…fine! I just gotta laugh, it’s absurd.
Sky,
My son loves dream interpretation. He bought a book awhile back about it and showed it to me. It was UNCANNY how accurate it was. I’ll ask him what the title and author name is and let you know. I think you’d find it a fascinating read!
LL
LL,
Has your son always been good at dream interpretation?
Because I have some crazy dreams every night. They’re all off the charts crazy.
Ana, I’ve had the same thing happen with massage clients. If it’s on their dime, I don’t really care. I think it’s ridiculous but it doesn’t offend me. I had one guy get into a heated work argument in the middle of his massage. I could feel his muscles tightening up while he was talking. LOL What a waste of money! Their money, not mine!
Stargazer,
LoL their money, not mine: prezactly!
And on a humorous note, I went to the healthfood store to find something natural for my mysterious rash. I *whispered* to the herbalist in the herb section that I had a mystery rash. She then turned around and YELLED to the herbalist in the next aisle, “What do we have for a mystery rash?” I turned purple and shrank into the corner. I said to her, “Could you say that just a little louder? I don’t think the people in the far end of the store could hear you.”
So when I got to the cash register, the cashier says rather loudly, “So, you have a mysterious rash, too? That’s when he showed me his and told me what it was.” LOL Certainly no HIPAA requirements at the health food store.