Last Friday Robin Hoffman interviewed me again on her radio show, The Feminine Soul. We discussed recovering from a relationship with a sociopath. She asked two very important questions, “How do we avoid picking another sociopath in the future?” and “How can we ever trust our instincts again?”
Coincidentally, yesterday I received this letter from a reader:
I got involved recently with a man who seemed to be the opposite of my previous psychopath. All the traits I like, strong, dominant, etc but seemed to have a good heart, and importantly a good history. I checked him out, he had a long service in the police force and a voluntary youth organization, was widely respected and successful.
Recognizing my vulnerability, I kept my eyes and ears open, and my heart guarded.
After 3 weeks I started to spot inconsistencies, tested a bit, and noticed the feeling of cognitive dissonance and didn’t ignore it.
After 6 weeks I ended the relationship, even though part of me was screaming inside “no, don’t do it”. Only afterwards did I discover that not only was he cheating on a wife who had cancer, but he was also cheating on a long term girlfriend, who genuinely loved him and is devastated. He was playing with fire by putting us both on the same webpage and we got chatting without having any idea of the relationships involved and it all came out. I’ve given her a link to saferelationships.com and can only hope she learns from the experience.
I SO proud of myself. I got out before getting involved, so it didn’t hurt. The experience was positive in that I made a different choice, for me. My stop light is starting to work and I’m learning I can trust my instincts again.
There are three parts of ourselves that are “taken” by the sociopath. The first part is the conscious mind. The sociopath fools the conscious mind by lies. It can be very difficult to detect these lies because skilled sociopaths use willing and unknowing accomplices to back up their lies. (This is why it is important for family members to distance themselves from the sociopath and his/her relationships.)
Sociopaths know to pick on trusting people. In general trusting people are loyal and trustworthy. These are good qualities so when your conscious mind is taken, you can be left with a lot of self-doubts. The strategy of carefully checking out people’s claims is a good one but it often takes time to uncover a sociopath’s lies.
Our unconscious minds also get “taken” in the sociopath’s con. Sociopaths are dominant and seductive. These traits may be arousing and attractive. I think that this may be in born. We may be attracted to these traits instinctively just like certain body parts are arousing for some.
Even though the attraction to the dominance and seductiveness of sociopaths may be instinctual, I don’t think we are stuck with it. I was able to train myself to be different and I want to share with you how I did it.
I am somewhat ashamed to say it took me too long to understand that I was drawn to sociopaths because of their dominance behavior. Once I understood this, I set out to find a way to feel differently about them. I wanted to like them less. I had always observed that there were some mental health professionals who were instinctively repulsed by sociopaths and I wanted to know what was different about them.
In studying the literature on dominance behavior and personality I discovered that dominance and empathy are opposed to each other. When dominance motives are in play empathy is turned off. The hormones of dominance also turn off empathy. The opposite is also true empathy and affection also suppress dominance motives.
Armed with this knowledge I set out to study men I knew who had long track records of loving empathetic behavior. I spent hours talking with them about their views of love, life and life’s purpose. I did this until the lesson had sunk in emotionally not just intellectually. A fully human person, male or female is loving and devoted. He or she is able to control dominance motives and express them only when appropriate.
Since this emotional lesson sunk in, I have found myself actually repulsed by dominant people. I no longer admire them or find them entertaining. Instead, I emotionally experience them as they are, shallow and lacking in important qualities.
Sociopaths also “take us” on another level. They manipulate us into forming bonds with them. These bonds are unconscious and chemical- whether the sociopath is a family member or lover. Breaking a bond with a sociopath is very painful. We do not have to be enslaved by our human bonds, we can acknowledge them and realize that at times these bonds have to be broken even though doing so is painful and difficult.
To sum it up then your new wiser mindset may have many aspects to it. Wisdom is a practice as well as a state of mind.
Gemini_Fairy: My EX had to sleep with heavy blankets (4) folded and lain across his feet while he slept … said it was due to years of carpentry work having heavy tool belt dangling from his belt. Another ex (no damage, still a scum though) would bounce when he walked … never having his heels touch the ground. I wonder if that’s a tell tale sign that their feet aren’t planted firmly on the ground .. they feel like they are floating, no firm foundation grounding them to earth?
Come to think of it … the anti-social women that I worked with all had feet problems too … one woman wore shoes 2 sizes bigger than the size she was suppose to wear … I never could figure out how they stayed on her feet and why she just didn’t walk right out of them? … the rest is one foot situation after another … always the feet with these folks.
It’s a well known fact that Narcissistic personalities are in the center of any function … holding court.
OxD,
I just had the funniest thought. You should have a work retreat for LoveFraud members who are trying to get their minds off their exes. We could all come out to your property and help you fix it up and work on the land. I’ll bet the physical labor and your positive energy would be so good for us!!!
StarG: They date younger women because women their own age would or could see right through them … so they are always going younger and younger, yes for the naivety factor, but also, the younger women haven’t had their lives destroyed yet … no clue what’s about to slam their world …
Peace.
Amen! You are so right about that. Interesting. His ex-wife (the one he has a son with) is 38. 4 years older than me. The girlfriend he had (maybe still has) when I met him is 23 (she was 19 when they met) then me. Now back to the teenager.
I think in my case it’s because I had just came off another (probably S tyoe) relationship and was very low in self-esteem, I had lost my job and was now working at the restaurant where we met. Although I wasn’t working a salaried job as I am now I did have my own place, car, and my own (although not a fortune) money coming in.
I don’t know what the deal was with him and his ex-wife but I can bet it was because of him being a lying, cheating pathological worm. Once that ended he probably had to get back into the game of control by picking on a teenager.
What a $%&#$%% – which is a whole lot of what I can’t really say.
“So I BELIEVE. I am believing more every day as I SEE evidence that I can do this. I want the JOY tht comes from not being a piece of flotsum in the sea of life. I can swim, I can paddle, I can put up a sail and control my directions. Sure there will be occasional storms but as long as I believe I can influence my destiny then I can and I will…I am going to paddle and bail and stop CHOPPING HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF MY OWN BOAT.”
LOL, loved that comment, OxD! The first order on our priority list is pushing the axman overboard! Then we have to refuse picking up the ax he left behind and finishing the job he started!
Hugs,
CZBZ
Bird-
Good for you and feeling annoyance (I’m sure it was easier to feel that way looking at how PATHETIC he is now that he is with an (18) year old)! Wow, how ridiculous!
My guess, in addition to what Ox said about him trying to come back soon, is that he was doing it for reasons to manipulate the young girl he’s with. Who knows for WHAT reasons exactly, but you said she came with him?!?! Kinda wierd. I’m sure part of it was to also throw it in your face just to PURPOSELY hurt you by showing you he can get (younger=better in his mind). I’ll restate that- PURPOSELY TRYING TO HURT YOU. Doesn’t that just sound terrible?! WHO DOES THAT?! I NEVER try to hurt somone, but these S’s and P’s do, at least in their reality. What terrible human beings they are. No idea what CONSIDERATION even means!
UGH! They are so pathetic in SOOO many ways. This makes me want to write a list of what I DID NOT like about my x-s, like how much he really is a BIG-TIME LOSER, and I’m sure that will overpower the feelings of missing him!
So many of us are on right now! Good Morning to all of you 🙂 I hope (we) all have a great Sunday!
Yeah LetgoLetgod: It’s cold outside (LOL) … my fireplace is cranked and the pets are all sleeping around it … all nice an cozy. U refuse to turn the heat on until the turkey comes out of the oven.
It is a beautiful day though.
Peace.
Stargazer,
Believe it or not I am working toward just such a thing, not for LF bloggers necessarily, but toward taking in one or two women who either cna’t get into shelters (many shelters won’t take women without children) and women who are so severely wounded that they can’t get it together in the 30 days or so most shelters will let you stay there.
I do not intend that these women come here to be “rescued” (me doing for them what they should do for themselves) but I realize that 30 days after my trauma I could NOT have been working at a job. The seclusion and physical work I did helped me very much. When the mind is troubled, work the body. I don’t mean to have these people as “slave labor” for my farm, but any means…but have them here as a sanctuary for healing, and also do some shorter retreats for others.
I am in the process of filing papers for a non-profit foundation, and have some former victims that are willing to help support the effort. I am also recruiting from the psych docs and nurses, and therapists I know to do some pro-bono work with these women and their children if there are children involved. There is a small community college near here where there are educational opportunities available for these women when they are ready if they need such things. There are also 3 universities not too far away that I have connections with to utilize resources and volunteers.
My plans basicly are to take in the women from the shelters that are not yet ready to go out into the world (weed out the women with the borderline personality disorders or get them out of here as soon as that tendency is spotted) I am not interested in being a patsy. I will take referrals from the shelters only.
Let these women and their kids stay here and start the healing process in some peace and quiet, and safety.
We have decided that all children will be home schooled here so that they can also have some time to heal. We have the volunteers lined up (college students) to accomplish this so that the mother doesn’t have to worry about her kids so much and can heal herself without using ALL her energy in taking care of her kids. I also have therapy lined up for the chldren (volunteer professionals). We also have a free medical clinic and dental clinic in the area so medical needs can be provided and dental too for both mothers and c hildren.
At the present time with the facilities I have available at present, I think I can handle 3 single women, or two women with children. (depends on the number of children) and will also focus on the women themselves in the future doing work helping the “new arrivals” to heal, letting them lead groups on enabling, etc. may also look at some 12-step type programs.
I have a church who will work with the individuals spiritually if they are interested in that, if not, whatever spiritual aspects the woman has will be supported as we have a wide variety of resources avialble in the college town 30 miles away.
We intend to focus on “self sufficiency” and because we have a complete mechanical shop here will teach the women how to maintain an automobile (many women have no idea how and it handicapps them in transportation not to know something about mechanical aspects of a car, what is a “serious” noise and what isn’t. Also the older children will also get an opportunity to learn to maintain an auto.
Due to the natural gas drilling in this area there are lots of jobs available as though the economy in the nation is in the pits, our area is BOOMING with jobs and opportunities.
The clients will have opportunities to learn “life skills” that many oppressed women have never learned. Money management, household skills, nutrition, job skills, and job application skills.
I am hoping that by the time the women leave here, which may be 6 months to 2 years, that they will be well on the road to healing with a new attitude of self reliance. With a car, a job or job skill, and enough resources for setting up a home and furnishing it completely with all necessities. She can change a tire or a fan belt on her car, know when and how it needs to be serviced, plant a garden, plan, prepare and serve a nutrituious meal with low cost foods, and have enough self confidence to “fight a bear with a switch” and WIN!
As my own strength is returning I am looking forward to this project. It has not been so long ago that although I wold have loved to have actually started working on this, I did not have enough excess energy or strength to SHARE it in actually doing such a project.
After my mother passes away I will have the two other houses on this farm available as well.
Both of my sons are participating in this project and my son D has worked with youth through the Boy Scouts of America as a paid counselor for many years and is excellent with youth. He gets a wonderful sense of accomplishment with working with kids, so he is gung ho as well on the project.
When the papers are filed, I will sit down with the board of directors which consists of 2 MDs (one a psych doc) and several therapists, an attorney, and two educators, and look at the directions we will be going. It will probably be 1-2 years before we are ready for our first two clients but I am moving along. I am hoping that by the time things roll along that we will have room for 10 women and their children full time. That’ s a long way down the “pike” but I honestly think it will happen.
We will also be doing pet therapy especially with the children, and have dogs, cats, donkeys and horses for them. We have gardening equipment and space and I already raise our own meat so those things will also be part of the therapy here. There is something cleansing I think about getting out and getting dirty planting things in the soil.
I am sure the programs and plans will evolve as things progress, so nothing is set in stone yet. As I am getting my art studio set up, for weaving, painting and sewing it makes me feel that someday in the future it won’t be just for me, but for others that need an artistic outlet.
Though I don’t personally have a lot of money, I have a good infrastructure (housing etc) already in place that is workable I think, and there are some financial backers as well as volunteers, so I am getting my ducks in a row even as we “speak.” I also have been successful in the past in “putting the squeeze” on others for financial backing of “good causes” and have absolutely NO shame in how hard I will squeeze them to get backing for a “good cause.” LOL
CZBZ: Your writing gave me a hearty belly laugh … I’m still laughing as I try to type this message to you … LOL.
Peace.