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By | November 26, 2008

A Trip to Death Row

I had visited my father on Death Row before, but this trip was different. I was traveling to Union Correctional Institution with two homicide detectives with the intent to record a conversation with my father about two murders he described to me years earlier.

Actually the main purpose of this visit was to get him to tell me about another murder, one that he never confessed to me, but one that I know he committed. It was his first victim, but they still have not found the body. It was an old friend of my fathers that disappeared after meeting with my dad, but this is a story for another day. It is so hard to write about my father’s activities simply because of the number of victims and crimes. I mentioned this because I thought my father might talk about it if I asked him so that is why I went up there, to help solve another crime. The two murders I knew about were secondary.

The drive up to Death Row was a two hour trip, but the detectives were extraordinarily nice. They were compassionate and I felt they understood my situation. We talked a lot about sociopaths and how much damage they do to their families. They mentioned that the families of the sociopath (perpetrator) are often the forgotten ones, so to speak. Most of the attention in our society is about what damage is done to the victim’s family, but there are two sides as many of us know all too well.

On the way up I was very calm. I prayed a great deal about this day and spent some quiet time early in the morning before leaving the house. The thought of facing my father and trying to get him to talk about these murders was frightening and I knew it was something I could not do on my own. It is interesting that I can find the greatest peace when I recognize circumstances are well beyond my control and I am able to surrender the outcome to a higher power. That is what I did before I left the house.

As I have mentioned before I idolized my Dad growing up and still continued to communicate with him and occasionally (every few years) visit him on death row. I would also write him to tell him about my accomplishments looking for his approval, even after all he had done. This is the most baffling part of all. I can’t explain the mixed emotions, just share my experience. It was almost like I completely compartmentalized things. On the one hand he was still my father, but on the other he was a cold blooded killer.

For those of you that have children that are being influenced by another parent that is a sociopath I can tell you that I knew right from wrong and knew something was wrong deep down. I always knew this and the more my father did others wrong the deeper this divide became. I do think it was always there it just took time and I am grateful for those around me as a young adult that simply showed me the right way to live.

Anyway, when we arrived at Death Row they brought us right in and took me to a private room that is used for inmates to meet with their lawyers. They placed a wire on me and a recorder under the chair, and then sent for my father. He did not know I was coming and I wasn’t sure how he would react to me being in this “special” room, but again, I put my Faith in another father that I had come to rely upon and didn’t concern myself with worry or circumstances, I simply stayed focused and calm.

He was shocked to see me, but also excited. It reminded me of how he had conned so many people before going to prison. He would make them feel so excited about a deal that they failed to look at or recognize things that they should have been paying attention to. Meetings like this just didn’t happen unless you were a lawyer, but I told him that I had met a powerful organization that was out to get bad cops regardless of whether they thought the person committed the crime. He had always said that the police in his case fabricated some of the evidence to convict him and I told him this group agreed.

I told him I could help him, something which I had not done in the 15 years he had been on death row, but I needed some security so I could feel safe. I had always told him that I wouldn’t help him because of the publicity that it might bring, but that wasn’t true, I didn’t want him out. Like so many of his cons before I was in this room for the complete opposite reason that he was so excited about. I was here to see that he never had a chance to get out, period. There was little chance of this anyway but he was optimistic about his appeals.

We talked for a while and when I told him that I needed to have information that would make me feel safe if he got out before helping him, his whole demeanor changed. He sat back thought about it and smiled. He looked right at me with his cold eyes and said “I get it, blackmail”. Odd as it sounds he seemed extremely proud of me for doing this; it was like I was now playing his game. He was suddenly very engaged, this was fun for him.

I am not sure how to tell this story without making it too long. We spent about two hours together and he repeated everything I told the homicide detectives, basically word for word. He also talked about the woman he killed that placed him on death row, a conviction he was still denying to others and a case that was under appeal. I think the thing that stood out the most is the excitement in his voice and mannerisms when he talked about the murders. He was proud of it, except for getting caught of course, which he referred to as “stupid mistakes, sloppy”. (He would not confess to the murder that I was hoping to get him to talk about, apparently killing a friend was not something he thought I could handle).

I left Death Row knowing that I had done the right thing. I still had some mixed emotions though. Even after seeing my father excited to talk about murders that he committed I still felt sorry for him and I also knew what was coming his way.

I felt a great deal of pain about how he was going to feel when he found out that I betrayed him. I was his favorite kid and now I was about to become his worst enemy. But, this is what separates me from him. I thank God that I have these emotions and that I can feel compassion for others, even when some people don’t think they deserve it.

They did bring charges and my father sent me some threatening letters. He turned on me as I expected but it was ok. In fact, I think it helped to see him direct his evil behavior at me and my family. This brought some closure and removed all doubt about what he was capable of.

A little over a year ago he plead guilty and was given two more life sentences. There was some TV coverage and a few articles in the newspaper but nothing major.

Now this experience allows me to help others. It is a gift that I am grateful for. I would not change anything in my past. I think everything we experience in life has great value if we are willing to learn from it and use it to help others.

Although I have enjoyed writing these stories I prefer to move on to something that might be more helpful to those of you that might have questions that you think my experience can help you with. If so, please comment and I’ll be more than happy to share my experience in future posts.

Posted in: Cases, Travis Vining

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peggywhoever

Thank you so much for sharing your insights and your story. It is so good to know that there is light and healing, and that you have benefited from the difficulty.

Your articles are an inspiration.

janetf

I am grateful to hear from the side other then the victim. I too have had great tragedy in my life and have a child who killed someone and my side is never told. The side of what happens to the rest of my children or how to cope after media coverage is never told publicly. No one feels empathy for us. I found this site because to top eveything off I also got involved and had a child with a sociopath.

Wini

Dear janetf: We understand that you have your side to your story. No one is disputing that.

We have many bloggers on this site that had to deal with murder in their families.

I’m sure when Oxy or some of the other’s logs on, they, along with the rest of us, will gladly blog with you.

Peace to your heart and soul … we do understand that there is a reason for every action in life.

Ox Drover

Dear Travis, Thank you for sharing your story, and your feelings with us. I too know what it is to visit someone in prison. Your “betrayal” of him (as he saw it) took courage and righteousness. I know it isn’t easy.

Janet, as you know, I have a son in prison for a cold blooded murder, planned well in advance with total detachment for revenge against her for “ratting him out” for a crime they were both involved in. At the time he went to prison, I was more devestated than I have been in my life before or since, even with the tragic and sudden death of my husband, or the long and drawn out death from cancer of my beloved step-father. Nothing ever gave me as much pain as the knowledge that he had killed a girl, and that he had “totally ruined his chances” at a normal life on the outside of prison.

You are right, there were conscious thoughts at the time in my head that I would gladly trade places with the mother of the murdered girl and have my son in the grave and hers in prison for the murder. Society comforts the families of the victims, but society scorns the parents of the perpetrator. We are condemned for being “bad parents” and “not raising them better.”

My son’s crime was news only in another state and not near where we lived so very few people in the community had any idea of the crime. That was some comfort, if you can call it that because I didn’t have to wear a paper sack on my head to go to the grocery store.

Parents of murdered children have support groups, but I have never heard of a support group for the parents of the murderer. I know there are some groups for the families of inmates, but they are “few and far between.”

If you look at the number of inmates at any give time in the US (and it runs into the million + numbers) 20% of them are psychopoaths, so that means that at least 200,000 inmates are psychopaths, not all murderers of course, and probably another 200,000 are “almost psychopaths” and not likely to reform or be helped in any way by the prison experience, so if you think of the numbers of the parents of this huge number of dangerous personality dysfunctional people, there are a great deal of people suffering. Even if all of these people only had one parent who is not a P themselves, still there are hundreds of thousands of devestated parents like us, grieving for the child in prison.

I’ve sort of “compartmentalized” my son, into the young and wonderfully fun and bright child, and that child is GONE, just as if he was dead and buried. I cannot reconnect with him anymore than I can my late husband on a physical level.

The “Man” (a stranger) that was his organ recipient is not someone I know. The “Man” in prison for murder is a violent psychopath that I cannot know, or grieve for, or pretend that just because he received my “dead” son’s “organs” that he is in any way the child I loved, the infant I gave birth to.

I can deal with the pain of the loss of my son in this way, maybe it is a healthy way, maybe not, but it helps me cope. I still have many fond memories of the child and the infant son. He was a joy. But he is GONE, never to return physically in this world. I can remember the child and laugh, and recall fun times, just as I can think about my late husband and the things we used to do and enjoy those times again in memory. I don’t think about the “man” much, and I don’t equate him at all with the child I lost and buried in my heart, any more than I think about my P-XBF in a loving way. They are just someone I met a few times, but not anyone I care about or miss, or want to be around at all. They are just people I have to keep an eye on because they are viscious predators. But I no longer live in terror, just caution.

Stargazer

Travis, I can only imagine your pain and turmoil turning your father in. I have great respect for you. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope to hear more. Have you considered writing a book?

Wini

Travis: You’re another one that needs to view this site to pat yourself on the back as you walk the path of freedom for your soul.

http://www.pathways-to-peace.com

View the presentation. Turn your speakers on ” let the presentation load ” then make sure you click volume on in the lower left corner.

Peace.

Ox Drover

Travis, my biological father was a flaming psychopath with at least two murders to his credit that I am SURE of. Neither of which I would have been able or the police able to prove as both that I KNOW of took place outside the US. He “admitted” to others but in vague ways and who knows if he even did them, he lied about everything.

My son, who never met my biological father, is so much like him it is scary. He has even started to look something like him and have the same expressions and the same hand writing as well. As a young child and even up until well past adolescence he didn’t LOOK LIKE my bio father, and in fact, my older son who is not personality disordered looks much more like my father as I do. If you put our photos together as young children except for the clothing you couldn’t tell us apart. Body build, facial features, etc. very much alike.

But my psychopathic son as a child and early adolescence looked more like his father’s side of the family. His other grandfather was also a psychopath, but not a criminal, just an abusive man to his children and his wife.

When I would go to visit my son in prison, it was almost like going to Oz or something. The SOUNDS, the heavy metal doors clanging shut and the razor wire and towers gave me the chills. I also noticed that my sons eyes did not make eye contact with me during a contact visit, they were continually darting around the room with hypervigilence. When I visited through the “phone booth” type of thing he did make eye contact, but he was locked inside and there was no danger he was going to be attacked.

There was a time I thought that if he had been sentenced to die that I could not have survived it, but I have come to a different feeling now. I know there are years and years on “death row” and sometimes even then, they are given life without parole. I’m not sure how I feel about the death penalty with all the people who are having DNA evidence prove them INNOCENT and they are being released from death row after many years. Of course there is no way to give them back that time of misery when they were innocent and looking at death eventually in prison.

During the years that I visited him fairly regularly I got to know the parents of some of his friends in prison, and it was interesting to see the different manners in which they dealt with it. Some, of course, even though the evidence was OVERWHELMING still believed their sons were innocent. No one in our family has ever thought he was innocent of any of his felony crimes.

I never hired an attorney for him or paupered myself for his defense. I figured if he did the crime, the public defender would do as adequate a case as a hired attorney and frankly I didn’t want him to get out if he was guilty. I raised my sons with the expectation that there were consequences for behaviors; at school, at home and in life.

I also never went bail for him. In Florida except for murder a juvinile would be released without bail to the parents, but he jumped it and ran. They brought him back and he did a few weeks in juvy, then they released him on probation to himself (he had turned 18 then.) He went back to TExas and within a few months was arrested again for a home invasion robbery. Florida was going to come get him after he was released on parole in Texas, but they missed some deadline to press for this so were unable to get him back. He served 2 yrs of a 5 yr sentence on the home invasion robbery and was only out 5 months before he killed the girl and was arrested the next day.

It seems strange to me that the Ps seem to have to TELL SOMEONE about their murders, like it isn’t any good if they don’t have someone to ADMIRE their “accomplishments.” Most of the time people get caught more for running their mouths than for anything else, at least it seems so. My son had to BRAG about what he was GOING TO DO (kill her) then come back after the fact and BRAG about what he did to her to her friends and hand them her personal items. He is still BRAGGING about how “horrible” it was. To me, I think to try to scare me, and to his “friend” (the Trojan HOrse Psychopath) to impress him.

EVeryone he has “bragged” to has “betrayed” him in the end. Very few people will keep that kind of a secret, or not use it for their own ends (blackmail) and not many people are “impressed” except other psychopaths and those can’t be trusted either. The bragadocio of the psychopaths though, like they must have that audience of approving “followers” seems to bring them down more than anything when it comes to criminal activity.

The police used his mouth as their biggest weapon against him, by putting a cop in the cell with him and he told the cop he had done it, and then asked the cop after the cop was released, over a monitored phone where the body was so the cop would go “move it for him.”

You know, I can’t understand why they would think that a person they met in jail for a few days would be willing to risk a murder charge for them—DUH! ???? But they don’t seem to have in many cases very much insight into “trusting” others. My son prides himself though on the “code of the inmate” and the “Never rat anyone out” even if they put you on the “rack” but I know that this “mythical” code is that, nothing but a myth! As long as you can get away with it without being discovered you are safe. Yes, the other inmates will retaliate if you are known to be a rat, but in reality THEY ALL ARE and will do whatever it takes to protect their own butts and the PERCEPTION that they stick to “the code.”

I actually think that my son thinks of himself as a success, and that the continual petty intrigues and smuggling of contraband is “entertainment” for him, gets his “juices flowing” to manuver and manipulate both other prisoners and the guards.

I ended up not only the child of a murderous psychopath but the mother of one too, so I do think I have “seen the clouds from both sides now.”

I’ve still got the entire 20 years of correspondence from him, but the letters I wrote to him are all gone as far as I know. They are all packed away. From time to time I have thought about destroying them, but have never done so, but have no desire to re-read them either. I’m not sure why I am saving them. Several people have suggested that I write a book about his life from my perspective as comfort for other parents of psychopaths, but I’m pretty sure at this point I will not do that. I think it would take too much out of me. I did write a book about being the child of one and had intention to have it published (I had a publisher) but in the end, I decided not to. So I only have a couple of copies of it for my kids and step kids. There’s no longer any desire to “have the world” to know. I think just the writiing of it at that time in my life, helped me resolve the worst of the issues I had about him. He had published a 1200 page tome, very little of which was not fiction, about his life and the first 7 chapters were damning to me, but not one word of which was true. I was so irate at the time about that (that was his point I am sure) that I wanted to tell the truth myself. But ultimately I realized that A) No one who knew me would belive one word of it and B) no one who knew him would believe one word of it and C) what did it hurt? LOL

When his next to the last wife divorced him she stated her reason that he was trying to get her to sleep with his business associates so he could blackmail them. My husband and I were defintely two people who BELIEVED HER. He tried the same thing with me. In his book, he damned anyone who had ever stood up to him, so it wasn’t just personal to me. He truly thought he was THE smartest individual in the world and the only one who had the right attitude about anything, yet, he STILL DESIRED, NEEDED, the adoration of the “stupid unwashed mases of worthless humanity” that he felt the rest of the human race was. He did end up with one son “created in his own image” though, and the other three of his children were “within normal limits.”

Wini

Travis: I’m glad your wife showed you the Interview with God … that was awesome too.

I like to read all the positives sites on the net … makes me feel good that at least we are on the right path … even if a lot of people in the world thinks we are wasting our time being responsible people in todays world.

I know for me personally, people ask me why bother, why not join in? aka to get along you have to go along … I can’t. I just can’t sell my soul, no matter how easy it would be on me to do so! I think it does matter to be responsible for your words and your action and to ensure peace prevails.

Peace.

Tilly

Rosa:
Thanks for being there .xo I am safe.

Tilly

Oxy:
Thankyou for your prayers, I hear them. xo

Tilly

KH:
Thankyou for being YOU.xo

Tilly

Acceptance is the key

Tilly

To our GRACEFUL:
(((LILY))). Get Better I love you.
P.S. Lily is not sick because of her negative thoughts.

Tilly

Insomniac….If you don’t sleep for three days in a row everything starts moving.

Tilly

And if you can’t afford to buy the expensive things in health food shops and grocery stores your stuck with eating cheap white bread to fill up.

Tilly

Rosa:
The starving white bread eating insomniac is in the box/on the stand today ! I have found that although i am gluten and lactose intolerant when i am starving my body is grateful for anything. All my money goes to lawyers and rent and art. In that order. It used to be kids then rent then psychopath. So i guess that is an improvement. No, come to think of it, its not. One day it will all go to organic apples, protein and vegies. For me.
Need your jokes Rosa. I’m sposed to go to ground but i am not travellin to well…must be my inner negativity…lol!!

Tilly

Rosa:
I miss my art teacher and piano man sooooo much !! oh!! THERE THEY ARE!! in the stand!! lol!!!

Tilly

You can get fresh white bread free in aussie. Its full of chemicals wheat and sugar and probably a dash of milk. Since i was a kid we would say, “pass the white death please”! lol!

Tilly

Rosa, when we meet up I will do a tap dance for you. I can do a “tea for two” tap dance really good. What happened to the tap dancer? He fell down the sink.
SEE!!! I told you i need your jokes!

Tilly

Rosa: When i come back tonight I want you to think up a question for the answer to this joke. It is for your book of “Jokes and Quotes for Victims of Psychopaths for When your in Court”. ( I will do the illustrations), (can’t wait to describe them to you).
ROSA: QUESTION????

TILLY: (Because) / I play my little tiny mouth organ.

I’m goin in : “ALL RISE”

Tilly

I know! You could have said that to the gym dude !! “Hey rat! Go play your little tiny mouth organ elsewhere! ”
luv yu!!
Till-of-the-Hun

Rosa

Tilly:

You are the only person who can talk about bread (or anything), and make me laugh.

I am heading out the door to go play tennis.
I will be pretending that tennis ball is a P’s head, and I will come away from the tennis game feeling much better and more clear in my thoughts, after hitting that ball as hard as I can…..with control, of course.

Talk to you when I get back.

P.S. I am trying to work out the logistics of sending you a graduation present for when you are finished with the P-teacher’s class. We will have to do it mafia-style, using our underground names. I am working out the kinks.

Tilly

Hey Rosa:
Love that game of P tennis… “6 /love for us and 6 /”can’t love” for the p.
I had to go to the hospital today (this is true Rosa and shows just how “in the present” I am.
I had two plastic bottles in my bag the same size and shape. But i forgot I had two and I only remembered bringing one. So when i was really thirsty (hot summer weather over here), I took a swig and went “glug glug glug”!! CHUNDER! The other bottle was TURPS!!!
(Only Tilly could do it. DUH) They wanted me to stay at the hospital for 6 hours after they took my vitals, as i was very sick. But staying at that hospital is worse than dying Rosa.
So I’m going back to bed. Everything tastes like turps.
So I reckon our underground, mafia- style – kinky grad present should be a sign saying “kiss me and you will catch on fire”.
I was great in there today!

Tilly

Oxy:
Is it safe to talk to you without being attacked yet?

Tilly

Going back to hos, not so good.

Tilly

What a joke…to die of turps

Tilly

can’t get it togetha, if i die of turps it is a fitting way for an artist to die lol
sick

Rosa

Tilly:

Sorry that the turps (I assume that’s turpentine?) required a trip to the hospital, but glad you are OK.

I am googling OZ, looking for the perfect location for my graduation present to you. I am serious, Tilly. IF I can work out the obstacles, I am going to make it happen. The password for you to claim your gift will be “PianoMan”.
There will also be a series of questions that only YOU will be able to answer.
You are on the Gold Coast side, right?

My “admirer”/potential stalker? was at the tennis center tonight. He made a smart comment about what I was wearing, just like my ex used to do. There was always a comment about how I looked, or what I was wearing.
Ah yes, the memories.

How many times does someone need to say, “I’m not hitting on you” before it turns into bullshit?

Rosa

I am so glad someone is NOT hitting on me.
If someone keeps NOT hitting on me, he is going to get sprayed in the face, and a knee in the groin.

Tilly

Did you say to him, “Hey RAT! go play with
your TINY MOUTH ORGAN ELSEWHERE OR GROW A LONGER NECK ! BUT LEAVE ME !” ? It will work Rosa.

Tilly

Rosa, I am in Perth remember!

Tilly

Failing that, when you use his head for the ball in your game of tennis yell : “Rosa = Love, Tennis Ball = Incapable of Love”

Tilly

Not sure If I am crook from the turps or the stress. But either way I’ve lost a stone in a few days.
Or maybe its the white bread and the negativity thats attracted this court case into my life.

Tilly

We both KNOW Rosa that it is the negativity in your little finger in your right hand that is attracting the P gym dude into your life…just like the negativity in your right kidney attracted the SIL into your life. What lessons have you to learn by picking this path and what part of my gall bladder has attracted this desire to kill myself by drinking turps and what part of my bum wants to be sitting in court all day with the ones I once so loved and mutter “yes sir nor sir three bags full sir” all day? You see Rosa, if you had got rid of that vegemite negativity in your last yoga class you wouldn’t have to be putting up with all the p dudes you and I are attracting into our lives to learn that we picked the wrong parents when we came in and manifested on this paranormal planet. And all its phenomena is created by our negativity so that you will learn the spiritual lessons you need to so that you can play a game of tennis or work out without a lusty old P dude tryin to get in yu pants!

Rosa

Tilly:

We are turning the page to a better, healthier life!!

Tilly, there was a day when I actually would have tolerated this gym rat guy for weeks before cutting him off.

How did you know he was lusty and old????

He’s about 30 years my senior, and still acting like a teenager.

Definitely old enough to know better, and have better game.

Tilly

Dear Almighty and everlasting Lord, All pervading Giver of Spirit Life,
Rosa and I know that you are keeping all the people on lovefraud who are in pain and suffering, safe in your Breathing Heart . Awaken us all now to Your Love to heal and soften us. Lead us to You Lord and Let us serve You on our way. Our faith in You Protects us Lord and helps us to yield our souls to your obedience. Make us a blessing to our mates.
Amen.

Tilly

I love you Rosa! These P’s are the devil incarnate, Dr Hare is right! Gotta go and bow down to one in a black gown and a silly wig right now! Luv YU!

Tilly

Thank God for YOU!!

Rosa

Tilly:

Are you OK?

Rosa

I worry about all the stress you are under right now.
I am stressed out, too. That’s why I have been playing tennis every day!
I need to hit something! HARD!
And, I am not going through anything even close to what you are dealing with right now.

You will get through this, Tilly.
This will not go on forever.

Luv you.

ErinBrock

Tilly:
I have to say I am finding myself very upset with what I have been reading….
and I am extremely worried about you.
You don’t sound right…..your posts are not making any sense and I find your lashing out mixed with the crying out, to be very worrisome.
I am envisioning you posting, then wandering around the house in circles, in a frenzy allowing anger to fester and coming back on and posting a lash or a prayer or a dig
I don’t see this as healthy for you in your current intense stress situation
It may be more productive for you to allow good thoughts and positive feelings in this time of stress.
I know it’s hard to find good things at times….but they are always around us …..there are flowers in bloom, there are the uplifting bible verses to read, there is the ocean, the birds, whatever you can find a molecule of pleasure in will help you NOW. I suggest you reach for any positive you can find.
It is not personal…..only YOU can stop the festering of these thoughts.
We are on the same team here!
I am not judging you, and I can’t control how you recieve this…..I believe (and I appologize to other members if I speak out of turn) and I know you and certain members have a close connection here…..but I believe you are allowing certain members to worry about your well being and yanking some chains…..I don’t think any of us should be placed in this roll and I believe it’s unfair of you to single your posts out to singular members and only them.
We are a support system, we can have discussions with other individuals, but all discussions should be open to all members feedback as a whole.
I believe is puts undue pressure on others and places them in an awkward position of caretaking at the risk of ‘having the gun pointed at THEM’.

You are stressed, you have support here……stop alienating yourself from your support….
We are not bullies or a gang from OZ…..you don’t have to be on defense!
I do not wish to soften your voice, or silence you, as you have valuable opinions that help us all…..I would like to ask that we have more productive, less destructive exchanges moving forward.
I hope you are feeling better and able to get some rest…..
You do have ‘friends’ here!
XXOO
EB

Tilly

Rosa:
Thankyou Rosa, and yes i am doing ok. (i.e. apart from my turps poisoning…the weight is dropping off me since i have diarreoh and can’t eat.). But I am learning to speak out and stand up for myself, especially to cluster B s!
Unlike the psychopaths who I am DISENGAGING with forever, I will YELL to a Cluster B…”DON”T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT YOU FAT PIG, I AM NOT SCARED OF YOU!!” (which is what I said today to one who was with my daughter outside court and had tried to totally humiliate me .)That shutemup fast Rosa. (I reckon that Cluster B’s can’t stand to be UNMASKED…unlike a psychopath, who doesn’t really care).
How can I help you de-stress Rosa? Let me know and i will do it. I can do anything at all that you need me to do (except pay a lot of money…because i don’t have any. Which has its advantages because no-one can rip me off anymore! lol!)
It is important that i have you to trust right now, to let me be me and to vent and not to have to worry that you are going to bully me or tell me I need to look at myself and tell me that I am this or that or anything else. I am just a little soul doing the best I can in a trial and so are you.
We are both stressed. My stress is NOT more than yours. Just different. And we both know it will increase before it gets better. And I don’t have anyone else but you right now that i can trust, except my son who is not here. So its you and me Rosa (and Lily), no-one can bring us down in this space, we are safe to love and be loved and supported. We are not VILE or having a go at anyone. We are praying our little hearts out to make it through to tomorrow. AND WE WILL. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Tilly

Rosa: Damn, just noticed EBs post. I didn’t mean to upset anyone AGAIN, thats the reason i am here in this space with you (and Travis) who understand how heavy this is for me. I DON”T WANT TO UPSET OR POINT GUNS OR WHATEVER AT ANYONE !! BUGGA!

Tilly

P.S.
I sure as hell don’t have time to wander round the house in circles…but when I do I’ll let you know!

Tilly

EB
I’m sorry. I am going through a very serious trial and i don’t have anyone to lean on or trust. But I am not mad. But I am gone now for good.

ErinBrock

Tilly:
Sweet….that is my point…..YOU DO HAVE US….
STOP PUSHING EVERYONE AWAY WITH YOUR ANGER and lashing out….redirect your anger to more productive means FOR YOU!
We do read your posts…..we do care about you….YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND THE PAST 2 DAYS!!!!
I look out at the lake here and in the wind and I wonder how you are doing at this very moment, I try to envision you in court…..I watched a boat sink today and thought …..that is tilly’s ex……
YOU JUST DON”T SEE you have love…you have support…..
STOP LASHING GIRL!
You need a breather…..you need to find fulfillment in TODAY! As lily’s situation should be teaching us….All we have is today!
As bad as our lives get…………….we only have today.
I bid you peace dear!
XXOO

blueskies

LORD! I am fed up with this. Tilly, seriously, I LOVE you and CARE about you but if its JUST Rosa you want to interact with then why not do it over your private e-mails?

I cant understand why you come here to let us know you DONT want any input from anyone except a select few.

It feels bad for me. and I am hurting too.

I dont want this when I come here.

blueskies

Also, Kim and Jill are GREAT bloggers, they disagreed with you and it got hairy ON BOTH SIDES. It doesnt feel good to be disagreed with.

But I cannot understand WHY, knowing how it feels to be going through what they’re going though, you would want to perpetuate the problem.

They have apologised and explained.

When i see folk nurture long standing GRUDGES for ‘slights’. It reminds me of MY MOTHER.

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