Last week I defined four types of love fraud that constitute points on a continuum from predatory love fraud to adultery. In all these relationships, one member of the couple inflicts physical, mental and/or financial injury on the other. Unfortunately, the presence of children does not necessarily deter violence in relationships. The fact that children can be caught in the middle in violent relationships is illustrated by the following news story reported this week.
According to the MainLineTimes.com, the police were called to a domestic dispute in Narberth, Pennsylvania, Tuesday night. Upon arriving at the scene, they found a 34-year-old woman in critical condition. They discovered that the assailant was likely Glenn Minsk, the victim’s live-in boyfriend and the father of her child. The child, an 18-month-old girl, was missing. An Amber Alert was issued and the child was recovered in good condition at the home of Minsk’s parents. Minsk apparently brought the child there after he allegedly assaulted the child’s mother and stole her car.
Keep in mind that we do not have all the details involved in this particular case. However, this story highlights the problem violent relationships pose for involved children. Children are traumatized when exposed to physical and emotional violence. Children may also have attachments to the perpetrators and victims of such violence.
Other problems faced by the children
I have received many letters from parents asking me if children should have visitation with a parent who has demonstrated himself/herself to be physically or emotionally abusive to the child’s other parent. In discussing this issue, I find there are a number of people who hold a belief exemplified by the following, “Just because he treated the mother this way, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his child.” In fact, some might interpret the kidnapping of a child as an act of love. The courts also take this attitude and commonly grant visitation to the perpetrators of domestic violence.
The granting of visitation and custodial rights in cases of domestic violence/abuse is even more common when the perpetrator has not been found guilty of physical assault. The courts seem to take the stance that marital deception, psychological and financial predation, have “nothing to do with the child.”
What the courts and the public fail to understand about many perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse is that they are predators who are not capable of loving anyone, child or adult. These predators seek out social relationships purely for the sake of obtaining power, control and in some cases sadistic pleasure. We think that people who seek out social relationships do so out of a love motive. There is a general ignorance of the power motive and the manner in which this motive determines the behavior of many perpetrators of domestic violence. For more on power and control in domestic violence see The Duluth Model.
Anger management may not help
Those who teach anger management to the perpetrators of domestic violence can attest to the fact that not all perpetrators are sociopaths. Some have ability to love, but have very poor impulse control. These perpetrators do benefit from training to improve impulse control. Sociopaths and those motivated only by power motives are not capable of effective parenting even with training. A parent’s most important job is to teach a child to love, have impulse control and moral values (the Inner Triangle again). A parent who lacks these himself cannot impart them to a child. What purpose does it serve, then, for a child to have any relationship with such a parent?
Another issue that is discussed in older textbooks of child psychiatry is the impact that court-ordered visitation, in some cases, has on the custodial parent or guardian. How is a victim or a victim’s family supposed to feel about a child visiting a violent or abusive person? These are people we warn our children to stay away from! Furthermore, when those who have custody and responsibility for the child are stressed by a visitation arrangement, that is not good for the child. Caregiver stress has been shown to have a direct, negative effect on parenting and child wellbeing.
The true nature of human social relationships is just now being understood by science. If the perpetrator of domestic abuse/violence is a sociopath, he/she is unable to love. Furthermore, all of the sociopath’s intimate relationships are about dominance, power and control. Ultimately, our laws must be amended to reflect a more scientific understanding of our human relationships. Only then will our children be protected.
Buttons:
I want to give you a special congratulations….to you AND your son.
Graduating High School IS a big accomplishment. It’s the first in a line of many…..an initiation into HIS life.
Reading your post has me in tears……
My son did not make the same choices……although still in school, he will not be graduating on Wednesday with his class.
This breaks my heart, although I knew it was coming.
I hope my son can grow up, despite what has ‘gone on’ in his life, none of which he deserved, but happened…..and make this choice to graduate.
I believe this accomplishment is important to self esteem and knowing they can ‘achieve’ something on their own….no matter what they have gone through.
Your son did it!!!!!!! And I hope he can relish in this accomplishment. YOU TOO!
This is how I feel about my son…..you nailed it spot on!!!!!
“He’s got heart, he’s got soul, and he’s got what it takes to Survive his experiences. I hope that he’ll want to become a Survivor.”
(and i’ll add…..AND GET HIS DIPLOMA!)
Dear Buttons,
Well, he has accomplished so much more than he could have done! That is something for him and you to be proud of! I know you are! He has accomplished that IN SPITE OF what he had to endure, so that is a double ATTA BOY! for that o ne!
I wish there was a way you could open up his head and heart and pour all your love and wisdom inside and take away the pain of the last years and months! Unfortunately, that’s not possible, but hopefully with some safety, trust, and therapy to improve on that, he will bne able to march forward toward HEALTHY, HAPPY, RESPONSIBLE adulthood and you and he can have a good and healthy relationship—maybe the two of you can get5 some bottles of bubble and go play in the yard! It is never too late!!! (((hugs))))
Dearest EB; To clarify first, I have 3 grown children with an ex husband of 20 years and an 11 yr. old son with the ex-spath. The ex husband was NOT one of the people we’ve dealt with on this site, though he had a big name in a small town and plenty of money and he used that to get what he wanted in the divorce. The following is about one of my grown sons…
I have learned never to discount the amount of courage, hope motivation and knowledge children have. I too have a son who didn’t graduate because he’s very dyslexic and the school basically told him that he might as well quit..and that’s exactly what he did. HOW a school and it’s personnel can say this to a child, I don’t know. I know all too well that feeling of knowing your child won’t graduate, whatever the reason might be.
Two years later, without his father or I knowing it, my daughter helped him study for his GED. He GOT that GED and he earned it! I cried until there were no more tears left and I am SO proud of my son, BUT I was proud of him before that for the effort he had made. I focused on that at the time rather than the results. I believe, with all my heart and soul, that your son will GET THAT DIPLOMA. It might not be in the way you envisioned it, but I believe with you for a mother, this young man will make the right choices. You are a wonderful person who has gone through so much, you give so much and you are a Survivor. As parents, we set the example and I can’t help but believe you set a fine one for your son. He’ll find his way, I truly believe that.
I don’t know what your son has gone through. I know what MY 11 yr. old has been through and it’s been horrendous. He is a survivor and I can see that in him.
Hugs,
Cat
Buttons, silvermoon is so very right in what she is saying. The bond between mother and child cannot be broken. Time, distance, the actions of a spath, NONE of these things can break that Buttons.
Buttons, I’ve been where you are and yes, it is bittersweet. My heart is out to you. I am SO excited that he’s coming to you! You an ogre? I highly doubt it! But I know all too well how the ex-spath plays with the mind of a child. I am excited for you son because he will TRULY get to feel the love that you have for him.
Congratulations to you and you son as well!
Hugs, Cat
This is the conversation I had with my father that broke the camel’s back!
Our children’s mental and emotional health may far outweigh anything else. If they do not have the support of the extended family, then the extended family has, in my opinion failed. Because it is up to them to extend relationship to the younger generations and today, I see so many grandparents and Aunts and uncles who just don’t do it.
I told my dad that it isn’t enough to send a card or present on birthdays and have nothing in between and it is not my job to manage the whole thing by reminding him every time. If he is to busy playing golf and going to parties, then he deserves a lonely deathbed because no one will go for losing a relationship they don’t have. The only one who is going to be there is the step mother and her son who will sell everything that belonged to him and to our family and take her to live with him.
She has succeeded in alienating everyone in our family who would help and making sure our father was too busy going to parties to take time to relate to the succeeding generation or to his children.
She is his idea of perfection and everytime he made the announcement to me it veiled a personal insult of magnitude.
I am distressed that these children, these survivors have to grow so much, so far alone because over and over, I see that they do. And I hold the rest of the family to account for their negligence in letting it happen.
We’re all too busy. We’re all too judgmental and too broke and too spread out. Right? Wrong!
It will will break the fabric of society.
My own son is 3,000 mi away living with an N. It turns me inside out, but, it has to be right now until I get on my feet again. Outside the toxic environment, there is only me.
They all begged me to come “home” when he was sick and we were struggling and when we got here, they turned their backs. Like Lucy playing football with Charlie Brown.
I will never be able to make that balance in my mind. Just never.
Over and over I pray that the story I will have to tell will be like yours Buttons and Cat. You give me such great hope. And I do have such enormous fears.
These toxic effects last for generations and it takes generations and constant work to pull a whole family out. The twists of alcohol and step relationships which are unable to see past their own boundaries is destructive at a generational level.
Our children are paying for it in their lives and I hate that with a passion. With a flaming passion.Because the perpetrators who set me up are extending the effect to him while I flail.
And it turns me inside out.
So every time I hear a story like yours, I have hope. And I am filled with love for the Great Spirit that is resident in each of these young people who “make it through”.
Dear ((((((Silvermoon)))))),
The neglect and the evil treatment of even one other human is a slap against humanity itself and is what makes our world way less than perfect! We see these things and we care about the lack of love shown, we care about the neglects and the evil acts. It hurts, but I would never tell you to not care. I guess the way I “handle” caring about the millions of things that are bad, evil, injustices, is that I realize I cannot fix all of them. However, I fix the things I can fix, I do the good that I can do, and don’t try to take the whole responsibility for the evils of the world upon my shoulders.
Sometimes the best “fix” I can do is a kind word and a smile to a frazzled young mother pulling a cart and four rowdy kids through the grocery store. But I try my best to NOT let the fact I can’t fix it all make me feel like a failure. If that makes any sense. The other thing I can do is to pray! So focus on what you can do, and the positive stories that you do hear as well! ((((hugs)))) and God bless. You’re a wise woman Silvermoon! I’m glad you are here!
silver, you are so right that nothing inbetween the birthday card or present is wrong, it kind of makes it meaningless for children. I had so many good times with my family and extended family when I was growing up, probably why I miss it so much now. Thanks for reminding me to hang on to hope, better things will happen!
EB, with support and encouragement, you son will earn his diploma – he will. He may have to do it in his own time, but you are the shining example of Survival for him to look to and you’re one HECK of an example! He’ll want what you have and he’ll “get it” at some point that the only way to move forward in this society is through education.
Silvermoon, people don’t seem to take into account what their neglect and abuse does for generations. The innocents – the children who do not have any choice in whom their parents/family will be – deserve a fighting chance. And, these days, they just don’t seem to be getting that chance, at all. I think that’s why there are those pocketfuls of individuals and families that reach out to other kids whom they can clearly see are in dire need. “Family” isn’t really defined as people who share the same DNA. “Family” are those people who surround us with agape love, encouragement, support, guidance, and nurturing. Even as adults, we crave these things and, if blood-relatives are dis-eased, we can experience these things with non-blood family. And, we can return those beautiful values back without feeling that it’s a game or that it’s “required.”
What was so bitter for me to accept with regard to my son’s graduation was that he didn’t have a NURTURING childhood. His Art Spirit was shut down early on – my honest belief was that his artistic creativity was a constant reminder that the ex spath wasn’t the only person involved in making this human being, and he hated it. So, rather than nurture or encourage that aspect of this child, he barely put up with it and generally ignored it. All of the other “things” that kids experience as a normal, healthy course of events never came to pass. At holidays, there was no gathering of friends or family – EVER. There was no special meal (twice while I was still married to ex spath). There was no preparation and anticipation of wonderful times. Birthdays were all but forgotten with the exception of gifting. The gifts were to make up for the lack of humanity throughout the rest of the year.
Those views and expectations will be altered, to some degree, for my son. My family DOES recognize special events, holidays, and just days to celebrate when we’ve had personal epiphanies! My son’s about to enter into a world of healthy relationships, personal accountability, and a world where people are “allowed” to make their mistakes without fear of being ostracized or beaten. It’s going to be a strange world, at first, but I finally feel a comfortable level of confidence. I also intend to get some individual counseling to learn to manage my triggers, etc., but I feel that I’m confident and the fear of the past is slowly evaporating.
I want to thank you all so very much for your encouragement and support. I am so appreciative for this wonderful site for bringing us together to sort it all out and continue healing. Today, I’m okay – I’m excited and I realize that I’ve been handed a Divine Challenge. The Great Creator has nodded his/her/its head and said, “Okay, you’ve learned a little bit. Let’s see if you can put any of it into action for yourself and your family.” I have finally come to accept that I cannot fix what’s happened to my son. And, for the first time in my life, it’s okay and I’m actually comfortable with that fact.
Without this site and without the incredible support, guidance, and encouragement from people that I only know as ID names, I cannot say where I’d be right now. I don’t even NEED to know real names or anything like that – each one of you has given freely, honestly, truthfully, and it has been a continued help for me on my healing path. You’ve all helped me to see, hear, listen, learn, and teach, and you are each so valuable to me, and to one another.
Brightest and most sincere blessings!
Hello again, LFers. So I picked my 5 year-old ds up on Monday, and he told me his Uncle (the spath’s brother-in-law) hit him. I asked him where, and he hit his stomach HARD and then his behind. I asked if his Uncle was mad at him, and he said “Yes”. He said his father was there, as well as his Aunt and 8 year-old cousin. He told me everyone “got mad” at the Uncle and told him it “wasn’t nice”. I quickly e-mailed the spath and Aunt (who has refused to talk to me for over a year), and the only reply I got after a couple of days was from the spath telling me “I am 100% certain this did not happen”. I e-mailed the Aunt AGAIN this morning, saying I just wanted to know what happened, and if she would not respond to me, then maybe she would respond to someone else.
What should I do now?? Call the police? CPS? Whatever I do will obviously make everyone in his family furious at me, but I friggin’ tried to get an answer and they refused. This seems like a pretty big admission of guilt to me, but of course they will spin it (because the spath obviously will) that I am somehow “crazy” to accuse them of such a thing. These people have 3 kids, and if I get CPS involved, I will feel horrible knowing that they will be questioned… but what else can I do? My child has never lied to me before.
What would you do?
Freemama, I would consider calling CPS and think about getting involved with a child psychologist – I don’t particularly like the idea of having entities involved in visitation/custody issues, but if your son is claiming to have been struck by an adult, the issue(s) needs to be resolved.
Attempting to iron out facts with a spath generates NO positive results – there will be no reasonable response, no concern about your son’s well-being, and no joint action taken to see to the son’s best interests. Communication with a spath will never result in factual responses – not ever. The boy’s Aunt will not be forthcoming, either – NC where she is concerned.
You are your son’s only advocate, and it’s imperative to understand that the spath and his minions will never, ever put a child’s welfare before the spath’s wants. Not ever. In Spathland, a child is simply a tool to be used to inflict pain upon the Survivor, and a source target to manipulate and damage – that’s it. A child is valued no more than a disposable lighter in Spathland.
Why on earth would you “feel horrible” about taking proactive steps to protect your son? Yes, all of the children will be questioned – and, asking questions is precisely to determine the facts. One of the primary reasons that spaths are able to get away with most of the things that they do is because most people are afraid to ask questions. The children will be “questioned,” not interrogated, dear heart. If there are other children involved with the spath, you can bet your last donut hole that they’ve been damaged on some level, as well.
I would also suggest documenting your son’s behaviors after his visitation with the father – does he act-out? Is he sullen for a couple of days after visitation? Is he combative with you after visitation? Does his behavior take a negative swing before/after visitation? All of these things add up. A 5-year-old does not have the capacity to ward off the negative influences and experiences at the hands of the spath – they can only react according to their age. They do not have the language or confidence to describe their feelings, nor are they able to process “sociopath” in their limited experiences.
Freemama, don’t allow guilt to factor into your decisions and choices. This is not about THEM, it’s about your son who does not have the ability to protect himself from physical or emotional abuse.
Brightest blessings!