Sort of like after the sociopath was removed from my life. Couldn’t I hurry up and get over it?
When I was in that relationship for 4 years 9 months I developed an allergy — to me. I couldn’t become allergic to my abuser, that would have wrested the power back in my own hands. And I was too afraid, too weak, too confused to try to do that. Throughout that relationship I kept mentally amputating parts of myself in order to contort myself into whatever shape I believed he needed me to assume so that I could be in sync with him. In the end, there was nothing that could keep me in sync with him. He was all wrong for my life. It wasn’t until he was arrested and I was released that I realized it wasn’t me I was allergic to — it was him.
In freedom, I wanted to be better. Right now. Right away. Tout de suite!
Healing from an abusive relationship, like healing from an allergy, doesn’t work that way.
Healing takes time. It requires patience, loving care and a commitment to continually do what creates more of what I want in life, and to not do things that result in less of what I want. Healing requires that I reclaim the parts of myself that I amputated. That I build my immunity, my strength and my self-esteem up so that I can live the life of my dreams and let go of the nightmare of him.
Life is about movement. Life is not stagnant, even when I’m standing still, I am in motion. Even when I’m ‘doing nothing’, I’m in action — the action of doing nothing. To heal, to grow, to live my life freely, I am responsible for ensuring each and every action I take brings me towards my goals, my dreams, my aspirations.
The opposite of action is Reaction — not inaction. No matter what I do, the choices I make will either be action oriented, or reaction driven. Reactive moves will always take me away from where I want to be in life. When I first started on my healing journey I knew what I wanted in my life — to be free of the past, to be free of abuse, to reclaim myself and to be all that I am meant to be. When I do or say or think things that take me away from what I want to create in my life, I am reactive. I am pulling away from my goal. It is up to me to keep my goal in my sights and to continually take steps towards it. Not away. Sort of like when I say I want to lose 10 pounds and then go out and eat a greasy hamburger and fries. I am not going to achieve my goal by that choice!
Taking action is imperative to living my life with integrity, love and joy. Taking action keeps me moving towards my goals.
Reactions take me away from the life of my dreams.
When I was in that abusive relationship, I got on a self-destructive train to peridition. I put my sights on disaster and could not, would not, apply the breaks to avoid the crash. There were 101 reasons why, and none of them added up to living the life of my dreams. They all resulted in a nightmare. I can’t change the choices I made back then. I can change the choices I make today.
Today, I choose to act responsibly. Live freely. And, to stay focused on what I want in my life so that I create more of what I deserve and eliminate the things I don’t want or need. Today, I choose to turn up for me and take responsibility for my words, actions, thoughts and deeds. This is my one and only life. It’s up to me how I live it.
Sort of like an allergy. I don’t know its source and must now begin the process of elimination to determine what is causing it. While I’m figuring out what it is I’m allergic to, I continue to take care of myself with tender loving care by applying the balm that is helping my skin reclaim its normal glow. It won’t happen over night but with patience, the redness will disappear and I will greet the day without self-consciously checking the mirror to see how I look. By doing what is helping my skin to heal, and by consciously keeping track of what is causing my skin to react, I am taking action that will create more of what I want as I eliminate those things that hurt me.