UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
It’s a great observation and that is one of the things that saved me too. Once I “got it” and realized that if it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else. That now that it wasn’t me, it would be/was someone else. I didn’t deserve what he did to me- I was just in the proverbial wrong place, wrong time with a heartful of sorrow. In realizing that it wasn’t personal is the freedom that nothing they ever said mattered. Lie, truth, gray area- their words no longer have value.
Yeah, that “Don’t take it personally” light bulb went on for me 18 months after the discard (probably much to the disappointment of my therapist who tried to steer me in the right direction on the first or second visit). “The lying thing”, the smear campaign, made sense, then, too.
And Donna’s right…the goal is to figure out ourselves, construct our boundaries and defenses, and live for ourselves and the “real” people we love and will love.
TOWANDO!
“It’s nothing personal.”
That’s pretty obvious. The S has left a long trail of wreckage behind him, and he’s moved on to a new set of enablers now that I’ve cut off the money, sympathy and free labor supply.
When we step back and look at the big picture, the pattern is very clear.
Great advice, Alllison.
With the X-BF and the X-DIL I don’t have, didn’t have, a problem with that because I did realize it wasn’t “personal” I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. It was MORE DIFFICULT for me to see this with my P-son and my other family members, it sure did SEEM personal, aimed directly atME. I think now, it wasn’t ME, as Oxy, but the ME as “daughter” or “mother of” etc, but more aimed at me, the role I had in the family. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was even a different person, but just in the ROLE I was born into.
Oh yes! Oxy: I finally see it more clearly now, that even if it was not me who was her mother, she would’ve done the same abuse to whoever her monther was.
I will spend the rest of the day pondering that truth; I’m not sure that fact is affording my heart and mind enough easing, but my thinking proscess has slowed alot at 67, and I do get a bit swamped with paradoxical thinking.
I feel there’s an important key here, if I can grasp the truth that “it was not personal.”
She is 48 this year; living on the street, etc., not because I “threw her out,” but because she chose to try to kill me.
I’d like to write more, but expressing myself is a taxing process anymore. I think that “dealing with her diviousness,” for over 40 years has taken a huge toll on me; but at least I am still sane enough to realize that it was not my fault that her life is as it is; I actually see now that she likes living misserably, for it brings her attention she craves as she moves from one charitable group to another.
Look at me rambling on with my thoughts! I’ll look this over before I hit “post,” and see if it makes sense, or says what I meant to say. Thanks again for helping me to see that even though I was/am dealing with one who I personally born into the world, I need not take “it” personally. (She eventually abuses everybody who will take it. Almost put her sis-inlaw in the hospital one time. And her four daughter’s. Authorities have been slapping her wrists through the years; we here all know that routine and how clever the P is at word twisting, and smearing blame on us… ) Ok, that all… I’m not taking it personl!
…the no contact I’ve maintained for 3 years, is allowing me to finally dig out of the depths of suicidal depression.
I am glad to say the authorities finally gave custody of my dght’s 4 children to their fathers, and they are thriving. She has no visitation rights.
…the no contact allowed me to find ‘me’; now no contact will allowed me to find ‘guilt free’.
Lifevest, good to hear you are seeing some light. It must be sooo much more difficult when the P is a natural born child of yours, like for Oxy too.
don’t take it persoanlly is KEY!. We victims are objects, and interchangeable. There is a wonderful book called “The Four Agreements” that includes that concept as one of the 4. Very well articulated and worth keeping by the bedside.
The other three agreements?
Be impeccable with your word
don’t make assumptions
Always do your best.
On another note, I think it drives the P’s crazy when we stop taking it personal. They need to hurt and when we put the kevlar on it thwarts their sadistic needs. Tee hee.!!
THank you for this post. Wonderful.
any answers–
First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together—whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
If these “people” can so convincingly proclaim love and devotion– mine had the tears and all–
how is it that they truly do not feel it?
how did he know to tear up and cry when he said, “i love you”–
you know what I mean?
I am so grateful for this article. I do not feel so alone.
Lifevest–
thank you for your honestly about being in a suicidal depression. Tat is where I am– not to freak anyone out. I even have a call in with a Catholic priest to meet and talk this week.
Do you all know that my faith has been affected huge???
I doubt in God now b/c of the evil I have experienced and that I was so into to the Lord– and was still so taken advantage of–
two little stupid job interviews tomorrow, but they are something.
love you all!!!!
great article – however when we are in the fog we take it very personally, only when we realize we have to stop the madness and go no contact do we see that it was not personal. This takes time and lots of educating ourselves to see this. I am free of the responsibilty of him. My life is coming back together one piece at a time. However the only thing I am left with is the thought that he is happy with his new partner. And I am left with the residue of his exploitation of me – but this too shall pass because more and more I dont give a ratz ass what he is up to as long as he is gone,
Dear Lifevest,
Yes, it is definitely difficult to “give up” on your own child, and realize that they are monsters….but it is the ONLY thing that has brought me SANITY (if indeed I do have some, but I feel like I do) I have seen so many people waste their ENTIRE lives trying to “save” the “spawn of satan” that there is NO SAVING FROM THEMSELVES. I’ve done enough of that myself, and am glad that I am finally FREE FROM THAT “CROSS TO BEAR”—I am glad that you are too. I am 62 and have been “afflicted” with many Ps in my family, some of them hurt me, some didn’t because I was too young to know what was going on, but you know, looking back through the generations, it has been going ON FOR GENERATIONS like a “family curse.” Between the Ps and their ENABLERS, quite frankly I cannot even fathom who is the worst. The enabling “psychopaths by proxy” have done me as much or more damage as the psychopaths themselves. I have also observed this in other families. I SAW it in them, SAW the destruction they got for their trouble, but somehow I was BLIND to the fact I was in a way doing exactly the same thing, enabling the Ps by keeping up my own false HOPE.
Having give up (finally) that “hope” which actually was DELUSIONAL I am finally starting to heal and free myself from the pain that hope gave me. I am glad that you are doing so as well. It makes my heart sing anytime anyone gets on here and posts about how they are doing so well. (((hugs)))) and my prayers are for your continued peace. Post any time you feel like it and don’t worry a bout what it sounds like, we GET IT even if your words aren’t what you wish they could be.