UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Thanks, Jim. I have been going through a lot of anger and having trouble expressing it. It’s coming up in my dreams and toward a lot of people in my life right now. I’m terrified of it. My therapist is trying to get me to write it down, but I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even had time lately. I vented some of it on the other thread. Thanks for thinking about me. I have wanted to drop in, but just haven’t had time. I hope everyone is doing well. I don’t even have time to go back and read the posts. 🙁
A comment about protecting yourselves-
if you are not comfortable with carrying a gun or in addition to a gun, a high powered c2 tazer gun (this is the one police officers suggested for me,as they use this model themselves.) It loads with a cartridge that fires barbs into the perp with TERRIFIC intensity, attacking the nervous system, then acts as stun gun up to 50 shocks after the barb has fired.
NO PERMIT is required- I got mine at Academy Sports, called a 1 800 # for activation and it was working b4 I got home. Avail. for citizens in most states. I am able to carry it in my purse- anywhere with a measure of security. ALthough, somewhat expensive , I feel so much safer with it!!! Just a thought…
Matt.. Thanks so much for all yr legal advice to all those in need.
Your caring, no nonsense advice is PRICELESS.
Finding sound advice was (is) most stressful to those of us going thru this. As you know, most people view our trauma simply as us being over reactive, hysterical, and paranoid- Including the legal professionals we are paying huge fees to.
(You encourage us all to continue to stand up for ourselves.)
I know, my close, personal friend and atty. of 15 yrs. even bought into my x-P’s lies. Took him to lunch, loaned him money, and for awhile thought I was EXAGGERATING the danger I was in.
MATT, I am sorry for what you have gone thru, as well as the other beautiful people here- but you certainly have turned it around and are leaving a “legacy” of love and truth behind.
Peace is Planned….
Well, Stargazer, we seem to be chasing each other around these threads….but I noticed, as much as your anger (justified) needs vented…you stop and take time for blindsided31…that’s where your heart is…and it’s good.
Once again…you’re good…and deserving.
I’m not chasing you around again…(((HUGS)))
Jim
That’s just it. It’s easier to do for others. Harder to do for myself. I give massages several times a week. But I have to be half dead to get one for myself.
Jim, the last time a guy chased me, he turned out to be a sociopath. LOL
OK…Stargazer…I know what I am, and what I’m not. I’m tired. I’m not a sociopath. I trust my therapist, and he assures me. I don’t stalk, and frankly, I’m tired. I can’t handle two women, or one, or even the damn cat who runs my house!
You’re safe…but regarded with affection…and, finally…good night…and good dreams….henry?…you’re up? Good! “night all! LOL!
Spanky: Don’t take it personally –he’s crazy, but they don’t know it. He’s really crazy like “Dungeon Dad,” but they don’t know it.
His partners, his social contacts, all the rest of the “sheep” don’t get it — he’s crazy.
That’s why we shouldn’t take this personally. The defining term “disorder” just doesn’t get to the seriousness of the matter.
I’ve been out for a few days, but I’m really glad to see all these new faces and say –reluctantly, because I know why you are here — welcome! People here do care, and are in all stages of figuring it out.
Spanky, I hired a lawyer with the money I needed to pay the utilities and keep the phone on. He did nothing. His “nothing” probably cost me $350,000, if not more. When I sued him for taking the money and doing NOTHING, we went to court-ordered “mediation.” The mediator was clueless. He had “documentation” of his “notes” that I had said for him to take my money but “don’t contact me, don’t call me, don’t write me.” As if I would give him $2500 to do NOTHING???!!!!
Lawyers are in a profession where they have little supervision, little oversight, and if someone (like me) catches them in this type of colossal theft and destruction, he’ll just pull in a college buddy to defend him, and I’m screwed because I’m just a “crazy client.”
You go, girl. Hang in there however you have to. New York is an interesting counry.
And, by the way, I think our favorite lawyer, Matt, is chewed up because he’s a decent guy.
Hang tough!
I don’t know, Jim. You’re trying a little too hard to convince me…….LMAO I’m sure the mask will crack soon………….
(LOL I know you’re not a sociopath!)
Henry, that was a really beautiful song.
Stargazer: This past weekend I spent some time at an exotic pet shop and learned new things about some of my favorite scaley creatures.
I thought of you.
Friend, I understand all your rage and sense of righteousness. I’m glad you went after the SOB. But do you realize . . . HE’S CRAZY!!!!
Not just a little “disordered” but seriously bent with a totally different reality. Someone who would smile, laugh, buy you coffee, flirt, and shove you in an alley and do serious damage?
You are lucky to have gotten away from this creep — he is seriously nuts. If the Army brings him down, so much the better.
None of this is about you. It is about him being a scarey nutcase.
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
This is the big lesson. Some of them are not quite so scarey, but they are all NUTs — more or less. Really. Diagnostically. Certifiably.
Love will not fix this. Whatever they said had nothing to do with the reality that the rest of us live in.
Let’s encourage each other in our recovery, while we coach each other on how we can reclaim what we ought to have gotten from a normal dysfunctional jerk!!!!
Hi Rune,
I wonder if you went to the same shop where I got my babies!
I’m not sure what post you are referring to? I’m not angry at the S. I’m dealing with a lot of anger about other things. It actually has nothing to do with the sociopath, believe it or not. I stopped taking him personally a long time ago. Are you referring to someone else’s post?