UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Hello Star” I was posting to you about your comments about the realtor who you loaned money for the phone bill.
Hi All ~
It’s been awhile since I last posted. I kind of go from post to post and you all seem to be all over the place so I know it reaches the ones who knows what’s going on.
I went to court March 20th. I was nervous as all get out. The S didn’t show, as I suspected he wouldn’t. The judge granted me 5 years for the restraining order. I took the paperwork over to the Sheriff’s for them to serve. Well, here it is April 7th and they haven’t been able to serve him yet. They’ve tried 3 times…one time, his truck was there but there was no answer, and two other times, his truck wasn’t there. They told me that if they suspect he is evading them, they will take a different approach to serving him. They told me to hang tight, they’ll get him. In the meantime, I’m unprotected. I received a phone call from “unknown number” last Thursday at 4 am…hmmm…wonder who it could have been? He has sent me emails asking me to join his chat on certain sites, all of which I declined. He has even tried to contact my buddy, NikNak through instant messages. He said that I was the liar, it was all MY drama and to tell everyone at the club (the AA club I attend and he has only been there maybe 3 times in the last year with me and no one even KNEW him) that he will miss them and that he loves them all, those who loved him unconditionally. Talk about delusional!!! Sooo…
At first, I was very upset, very shaken, that how could he not see what he has done? Oops, then I realized, he IS THE LIE!!! I realized HE is trying to push MY buttons through my buddy, since I have not responded to him AT ALL. Well, it almost worked, but I stayed strong. He also said that whoever served him the temporary restraining order served the wrong person and that it wasn’t him….hmmmm, interesting since his little girl answered the door and when was asked for him, she called out “DADDY.” ANOTHER LIE!!!
This is the best advice ever…DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL! I learned early on in program that when one is treating you badly, they are probably and most likely treating EVERYONE badly. And, yes, my next question to myself has been…WHY DID I STAY? The best answer I can come up with for myself is because I was in love with the PROMISES of which turned out to be LIES. The greiving I am going through is what I THOUGHT was to be…not what really was.
I’ve met a couple of nice men since, but my heart is stone cold right now. I had one guy who was “interested” in me and I am very proud to say I saw red flags, paid attention to them and backed waaayyy off and away. He was too needy…really don’t need or want that at all!!! I’m also doing a workshop through AA called Traditions as a guide to healthy relationships…so I am moving forward and tring to put all this past me and learning along the way to avoid this in the future. I’ll say this for sure…it will be a looonnngg while before I get involved or even consider letting my heart get involved.
I don’t want to know ANYTHING about him…I’ve told my buddy that if he contacts her to not even let me know because he says the same thing, believes HIMSELF only, blames me and it’s all LIES. It just upsets me and I’m moving forward. I don’t want to stay stuck in the past.
As far as arresting him for him robbing me? Well, let’s just say we have keystone cops working for our city. They sent the fingerprints out WITHOUT a case number on them, so the prints were sent back and they will be sending them out again…delays, delays, delays…I haven’t pushed the issue, I figure let go and let God, everything happens for a reason, I’ve done all that I can, and the main thing is, I want HIM to leave me the HELL alone!
I’m working on figuring out who I am and what I like and need. I’m learning that I am a vibrant, fun, loving, caring person who has been buried behind the S for the past 3 years but is just now emerging as a butterfly does from its coccoon.
There are no mistakes ~ they are lessons learned. Namaste~
Hello DJ: I am glad you are safe.
When you are ready to do this, consider that he is seriously and truly crazy. The rest of it — what he says, and what he thinks — doesn’t matter.
I am so sorry that he has a child of his own who is exposed to this. No one should be exposed to this craziness, while still thinking that theya re dealing with someone who is in the range of “normal.”
First of all, work on your own healing. If you have anything left to spare for someone else, sondier that his child is being damaged every minute that she is around him.
But you can’t help anyone unless you are on your own feet.
Stay strong, compassionate warrior! Namaste.
Stargazer- I know what you mean- he already f—ed up a lot of the good memories on the days he d&d me- basically telling me that some of the times that meant so much to me, times when he was so, so nice to me had no more meaning to him than if he had spent it with a stranger. That part of the d&d has been the hardest to get over- I’m doing OK but it is still very hard. How sad it was so real for me. And for some reason his Dad passing away brought back the tender feelings I had for him that I’m trying so hard to get beyond. Today is the service/burial- I know I won’t be able to help thinking about him today. Gotta get to work now.
Rune – I like your comments and input. I can’t believe you got taken like that from your lawyer. My God, that is a huge amount of money! A legal sociopath? Fortunately for me, the court has ordered that “Peanut” (sarcastic name for my psycho which is the size of his brain, heart and eh-hem…”package”…combined!) has to pay all of my legal fees. Thanks to my lawyer making this happen. Of course, Peanut did not want me to work during our marriage and because of that, the philandering jerk has dug himself in to quite a hole. (pun intended) He has to pay for everything because I am “unemployed.” So far, I am very fortunate where my lawyer is concerned. My advice to anyone who finds they need an attorney, is to call anyone you may know who has any connection to the legal world in your area and ask them for recommendations. That is what I did and it was the best thing I could have done. I scraped together what money I could and interviewed 4 attorneys before I made my choice. I waited to see who Peanut hired, did some research on his lawyer and then chose my guy based on who I thought would be the best guy to take his lawyer on. If he hired a pit bull, then so would I.
One good thing about sociopaths is that they are SO arrogant that they often trip themselves up. Peanut is so enamored with his smarts that he has lied several times to the Judge in our case, has lied extensively under oath in his depositions, stole my hand guns (for which he has NO permit) and nearly got arrested, tried to run a process server over with his vehicle, the list goes on. He/they truly believe they are too smart and clever to get caught! I like to refer to what he has done to me as “I have been Spitzered.”
And yes he does have his following of “sheep” for sure. But I feel he is slowly self-destructing. Even some of the sheep are starting to scratch their heads at some of his wierd behavior.
Any advice from New Yorkers on how I can get this jerk out of the house?
Thanks
Dear DJ,
Thank you for updating us. Been wondering about you. And I have a little quote taped on my computer… Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over — it became a butterfly!!
You sound strong and determined…and ready to move on. Its a process but its also a journey worth taking! Keep in touch. Stay safe. Stay NO CONTACT.
You are going to soar again on your own!!!! xoxo
Akitameg:
Just read the posts this morn., and think you should take BOTH jobs, if you can, but the starbucks job just very part-time. During this dark year sometimes the barista at starbucks was the one spark of light in my day. Often I find the people working there to be very compassionate.
(at least, it seems that way) One of my new mantras.
But good luck.
Spanky – I LOOVE your nickname ‘Peanut’ for your Sociopathic ex. Love it! It’s sooo; demeaning. Perfect.
I agree that Sociopaths can trip themselves up with their arrogance for sure. My Acupuncturist /Sociopath/best friend/soulmate is arrogant beyond belief. he thinks he knows everything and is constantly acting like he’s the best Acupunc. or the best at Martial Arts, or knows the most about religion etc. He treats others very patronizing whenever he can, but I know one of his coworkers and now she thinks he’s a nut case. Of course now she knows he’s a S too…..
Akitameg – I agree with been-a-year-now…take both jobs if you have the choice. I am a nurse and worked with the elderly in Nursing Homes for years; and loved it. AND, I always wanted to work in a coffee shop too! So I can live vicariously through you – hmmm… or are those the people we are trying to avoid? Ha ha!
Hi,
I was hoping that someone may have some advice for me. I have a small daughter (nearly 4). I am currently fighting a custody battle for her against her mother. The battle centres around my ex’s assertion that I am delusional. The delusion centres around a number of times she was violent, trying to stab me, punching and kicking me etc. etc. Apart from this I got the twenty to thirty phone calls a day, which in the end I found harder to take than the physical abuse. I reported her to the police, but never had her charged. She was always sorry, but by the next day/week/month when the next episode happened would deny it totally. Stupid not to charge her or gather evidence in retrospect but I always thought it would work out (I now record everything, but she is too wily). I believe that she is determined to keep my daughter and I apart. She is incredibly good at lying, and has convinced, by using half truths or lies that I can’t disprove, a psychologist that I am the one with the problem. She appears to have no conscience, and believe what she says so much that I begin to doubt myself. I have a very hard time trying to not sink. My question is if I can prove she is lying – will she stop, or will she raise another issue at a later date and/or ignore any facts I can prove in court? I have to make a decision which is very hard to contemplate and even write here. What is happening has affected our parents, our siblings, us and most importantly our daughter. Our daughter is showing signs of being affected by what is happening. She appears very confused at handover and has been diagnosed as behaving as if she has been abused. I need to know what will be better for my daughter from the standpoint of her mental health both now and in the future – to walk away so my daughter will be saved from the stress and damage that is now happening, or to keep fighting on the basis that she will know her dad and not feel rejected by him (me). I sincerely believe that my daughter’s mother will not stop fighting out of her hatred of me. She is on legal aid, does not have to pay, and so could fight forever.