UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
That was very funny sabine!
My 20 yr old kid worked at a starbucks last summer, and I got to know the ‘kids’ youngkids and olderkids (like me) working there and I thought that might be a healing place to work. Just a thought!
Also it’s a great place to make NEW friends.
Dear Majb
I wish I had a “simple answer” for you—-unfortunately, when you are dealing with a psychopath or other personality disordered person, there IS NO SIMPLE ANSWER where children are concerned. I suggest that you go to Dr. Leedom’s blog (you will find it linked to the Love Fraud home page at the left on “blog roll”) on parenting AT RISK CHILDREN and obviously your daughter is AT RISK with a mother like that.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with this sort of thing, but you are not alone. I suggest that you read and read all the old articles in the ARCHIVES, go back and read them all, just the articles. They comprize a “book” of great information and in dealing with these people INFORMATION & KNOWLEDGE=POWER. You need all the iinformation you can get. Also there is a book called THE LEGAL ABUSE SYNDROME that you NEED, it is a good book, and forsale here at the LF store. I am reading it now and it may answer your questions.
My prayers are with you and your daughter! God bless you.
OXDROVER:
I read and appreciate your earlier post about taking your safety seriousely. People often try and ‘talk me down’ by telling me not to get paranoid, he won’t hurt anyone.
Unfortunately these crazies get angry when you cross them, so who knows what they WILL do?
So, thanks for that post.
Dear been-a-year-now,
My P-son DID try to kill me, or have me killed, more correctly, and my X-DIL did try to kill my other son, her husband. I DO take my safety seriously, but I remember when I was so ANXIOUS, and kept telling myself I didn’t want to leave my home, move away, leave everything behind, and how I wanted to defend my home (like a Fort) but I realized in the end it would be like the ALAMO, there was no way I could defend it against a sneakk attack or even a frontal assault. So I did run and in running, without a common enemy, the Ps turned on each other as well as my other son, but you know, he came out alive, THANK YOU JESUS! And they went to prison/jail.
There is no real way to know what one will do if they get enough “injury” to their egos. And, to me, it is difficult to predict what will injure them. They don’t think like we do, that is for sure.
Glad you are taking your safety seriously. Keep it up.
Just cause you are paranoid doesn’t mean no one is out to get you, but I REFUSE TO LIVE IN TERROR ANY MORE. I live cautiously, but NOT IN TERROR.
MAJB…I’ve made mistakes both ways. My daughter from my first marriage, I saw every two weeks and had her in the summers…but I was a distance away. My mistake. A few years ago, during my last divorce after nearly 25 years of marriage, I apologized to her for not being there, right there, when I should have been.
I currently have a 13 year old left “at home”. Lawyers negotiated the agreement and the judge signed off on it. By and large, my ex-tox ignores it and the state parenting guidelines, but I adjust in favor of time with my daughter whenever I can. We are in a joint-legal, she has primary physical custody. I still see my daughter more days than not.
My therapist said: “If she has you…she’ll be alright.”
So here I am.
DJ-glad you’re back…stay safe.
Meg…Starbucks…Probably as good a place as any. My 24 year-old has worked for them for years…she recently returned to college, too. I think they’ve reduced/suspended their stock programs, but did offer some affordable benefits.
I’m in one almost everyday, and it’s usually an upbeat place to visit. You must and should be proud to find two opportunities/offers on the first day or two. Your decision, one, other, or both…as long as you see no “red flag” individuals there…then it’s nice to choose in your best interest.
Everyone I missed…hi!…need a volunteer for the “late shift” tonight…I’m too old for it…especially if Stargazer is wound up! Thanks henry….LOL
Jim in Indiana explanation on the “smear campaign” is good but I would like to add more to it. The “smear campaign” is something that our ex S/P starts because once they leave they know we will then expose the history we had with them. Think of it as a war, whoever strikes first get the element of surprise and will go on to do the most damage. Also this “smear campaign” is done by most if not all P/S’s. So in a way it becomes their “trademark” and confirms that they are indeed sociopaths.
Smear campaign can start at anytime during or after the relationship but most start it “before” they leave and sometime years before they discard you. They began by telling your friend’s’ family members’ co-worker and of course they tell the next “victim” how abusive or strange your behavior can be at times. Or that you are physically (my did this one) mentally and/or emotionally abusive to them. Many times they will tell others you are an alcoholic and/or drug user. Really the smear campaign is what they have done to you but only turn backward onto you. I see it as one BIG projection. Smear campaign beat you to the punch and they will use things and events that they themselves have done during the relationships. Because of the many variables it’s impossible to list they all. In short what tactic or type of campaign they will use.
One word of caution is the more you try to defend yourself the more you validate it. So I advise most not to give the smear campaign any credit or support. Again don’t take it personally they do it to all their victims. If you hear about what is being said about you by other people simply tell them that he/she has a right to their opinion and leave it at that. If you hear it from the horses mouth remind them that you have a legal right to bring them to court for slander and will do it in a heart beat. One another thing is that if you know someone that is involved with these types of people please educate them on this issue. Warn them ahead of time therefore the shock won’t be so shocking.
James…thanks…you’re absolutely right. In my post, for the sake of brevity, I left out the discoveries that I made later that the smears had started a year or two before…as the subtle beginnings of the devaluing had begun. I wasn’t perfect, for sure, but it turned out, in hindsight, that the smears were pretty much her thoughts/plans/intentions “projected” on to me…for sure.
And of course…nobody told me until later, including some family members, who wondered what was going on and why she was saying the things about me she did…it was a well-orchestrated campaign…I’ll give her that much credit.
Ditto, Jim
I too didn’t find out what was being told and said to other people even my own sister until after she left and yes she too started the campaign before she left. Well we live and learn don’t we? But thanks for the confirmation.
One interesting point was that when we first met she told me about how many “other” people cause her so much pain and grief even her own family, this should have been a “red flag” for me but in all honesty I didn’t know about “red flags” and what to look for. I do now. Also after learning not to take it “personally” I could begin to let it go. Then I was once again allow to heal and move on. Knowledge is power but always come with a price.
Smear campaign:
That happened to me right away, also. Do these people (and I use that word loosley) go to class to learn the ins and outs for being a good psycho? There would be lessons on being charismatic, and how to run a good smear campaign, how to appear to be a victim of life without actually complaining (to get our compassion up for them) really, how come they do the same thing?
Been-a-year-now,
There is actually a book called “The Art of Seduction”. I saw it at an Indigo/Chapters store. I picked it up to review it as it reminded me of the S and when I looked through it I was FLOORED. It talks about all the steps to choosing your prey etc… I SWEAR my S read this book. My counselor said he probably read many books/articles on how to impress women etc.
You see when it all ‘went down’ someone told me that he seduced me; created this relationship and then forced me into it by creating an addiction in me etc. Like someone said earlier, I was in ‘a Trance’ when he was in my presence: So full of anxiety that he led me to believe was passion. It was actually my instincts telling me to run but instead I ignored them and listened to him…
Pick it up the next time you are in a store – I swear it’s the step-bystep guide!