UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Sabine,
I did see that book last year. When I was getting ready to go to court to testify against him, I was looking for books, advice, anything…..and I picked up “The Art of War” which I think is the same series. I bought it and figured maybe it could help me. I think it did.
I went to court and used some of the tactics I picked up in the book. Unfortunately, there is no ‘winning’ with them though. Getting convicted of stalking may have made him very, very angry.
I agree, the tactics in “The Art of Seduction” are classis predator. I have told people that I felt I was under a trance, I even once told the P that “I don’t know why I like you” my sub conscious was talking to me out loud. I just wouldn’t listen. If only my subconscious had sent me a text or something!
Spanky:
Question: “Any advice from New Yorkers on how I can get this jerk out of the house?”
Answer: Dynamite.
Seriously, though, if you feel you are in danger from his presence, you could have your lawyer take that to the judge. One of the terms of your divorce settlement should be that he has to vacate the “marital domicile” within X days of the divorce decree. And then make sure those nice gentlement from the county sheriff’s department show up that day to escort him off the premises while a locksmith is standing ready to change every lock on the house.
As crazy as it sounds, since S is living under your roof, does this give you a chance to keep tabs on what he is up to vis-a-vis you? If so, you may want to “keep your friends close, your enemies closer.” Not a nice way to live, I know, but does give you access to the enemy camp.
Also, good strategy of tying up all the good lawyers. Sometimes the cost of that hour with every good attorney turns out to be the best money spent, since they are then “conflicted out” and can’t take on your soon-to-be-ex as a client.
Akitameg:
Congrats on the new job(s). I’m of the school of thought that you should take both — Starbucks on a limited basis. The extra money will be nice, but, speaking from personal experience, keeping yourself busy will get you outside of your head, which will make you feel better.
James:
Good advice on the smear campaign. I’ve been trying to not take it personally. I’m finding as time goes by, and the amount of NC lengthens day-by-day, it gets easier to do so.
My third workplace S attempted the following smears against me:
1. Everybody says that I’m incompetent and stupid.
2. Everybody says that I’m gay. (this was a conservative environment)
3. I was an alcoholic or on drugs.
4. I was hypercompetitive and not a team player.
5. Nobody liked me at all my previous jobs.
At the end of the day, none of this sh*t panned out for the S. But these smears caused ’auxiliary damage’ to innocent others. I had a decent guy come out of the closet to me, another admitted he was a long term AA member. Because I was confused about the ’weirdness’ going on around me and wasn’t responding very well, I went to the big boss. The random rumors settled down, but a new rumor surfaced that I was a ratsnitch, which gained traction.
What I learned was that successful sociopaths will try to stick smears onto any “grains of truth” about you, or things that might be perceptible to others who don’t know you personally. When they’re first attacking there may be a period where they’re using anything they can.
The ’instability/insanity/social unacceptability’ and the ’threat to the group’ smears are the most common attacks I believe they’ll use. They try to create conflict between you and others who might be a potential ally for you. They’ll target sub-sociopaths and naïve paranoid types as useful tools to be the carriers of this FUD against you (aggressive others who have issues of their own which they wish to hide).
I’ve pondered what I’d do if this ever happened again. I’ve had to go through this crap three times in 20+ working years. What works for me personally, is that I’d remain calm and outwardly slightly bemused, but would quickly and quietly backtrack the sh*t to find it’s source. I’d learn all I could about that source. If I couldn’t find any allies or sympathizers (you can always find such but it can be a very slow process as the truth gradually but inevitably comes out), I’d go straight to the source of the trouble and Sun Tzu them, using whatever means of warfare is appropriate for that situation. For me retreat and physical encounters are both options, but each person should figure out for themselves what they’re capable and willing to do.
Doing fruitless battle with expendable henchmen is what the S wants, so I avoid that at all costs reminding them that it’s between me and the S. It’s a lot easier to take out a bad general than it is to fight an entire army.
why do they always come back? and when you say NO why dont they get it!!!! ahhh its so frustrating.
blondie
One reason is that at one time you were a very good source of supply (Narcissistic supply) and if there isn’t anyone else to contact they will then contact old supplies. Also I believe it has something to do with the way a P or S retains and/or process information. Like them they believe you will forget the abuse and allow them back in again for a second dose. One writer on this disorder (subject) wrote how they don’t understand why we get so mad when we get used and manipulated by them. In short they just don’t get it. Of course I believe there are other reasons but these two I have found most common.
I loved reading this. Even though I knew not to take it personal it was still hard. But my husband did the same exact thing to his first child’s mother that he did to me and now he is doing it to his third child’s mother. It is a vicious cycle and I am glad I am out of it! I haven’s seen him in a month and since the last phone contact that drove me to tears which was about 3 weeks ago I only talk to him via email and texting. That conversation really did it for me. He was denying things that he had said and did and I just decided I had enough.
I am getting there and it feels good. I am playing his game. I respond with one or two words and I don’t bring up any of his past behaviors anymore. I am trying to “act” like him.
I know I was a good wife but let him tell it I was horrible and mean. But he has to justify in his sick mind some reason for doing what he did. I am so happy to be free from him and that he is preoccupied with another victim. I do pray for him every night.
Nic: I am glad you are finding some peace. Remember, NONE of his words have anything to do, really, with you and who you are. It’s only his sick mind, and you don’t have to buy into it.
Wow James those reasons are great. When my husband has nothing else to do he contacts me. He can’t be alone and if someone isn’t available he will find someone else. He does expect me to forget all of the abuse and it is almost sick to watch. The things he has done to me but he feels like I should forget about it. He really doesn’t get it.
He has come back twice asking to come home and expecting me to forget that he had a mistress, child, etc., etc. I wonder what it is like for S’s at night or when they are alone. Is it too much for them to handle being with themselves?
Rune, I have missed you all. I have been trying to stay low key. I do know that now. It is a slow journey but one that I am looking forward to.
Returning late to the thread but just wanted to say that James, you answered an question I’ve been asking myself–why the SP in my life tried to rekindle our “friendship.” Thank you. That makes a lot of sense.
And greenfern, what you had to say earlier about paying more attention to people you initially considered bland, that the charge we get from other types of people might actually be a warning, really rang true with me. That was a good reminder. I really appreciate that insight.
Very helpful discussion all ’round. Thanks, all.