UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
The “following” is a big red flag. When a person is only talked about in social circles in terms of admiration and god-like attributes, something is wrong. It’s like these starry eyed followers become blind in some way.
The s I was with had a unfinished degree in criminal justice. Now he is a college professor, with a gaggle of young (mostly) woman following him around, singing praises on their blogs, describing him as “the best, smartest, to be admired” etc, etc. He even emotionally seduced some of his male gay students, having them follow him around like puppy dogs, starry eyed. Just to discard them later, calling them homophobic names behind their backs.
He had extremely crafty ways of covering his tracks and gathering info on people. He actually went through people’s garbage and hacked into people’s emails.
Greenfern, I know what you mean about the “god-like” attributes. I enrolled one of my sons once in a private school at a church I did not attend, but I thought it was better for him than the public school (he was ADHD) after a while though, I began to hear the people in the church refer to “pastor” in a reverent tone, much like he had a direct line to God and was ALL WISE….after a bit more investigation, I realized this guy was setting up a church with a “personality cult” and sure enough—I ended up taking my son out of that environment, though he was doing quite well in that school. Later, I enrolled him in the same kind of school,, in a different church where the “pastor” was not “worshipped” as all-knowing etc. and was very satisfied with it.
The “Jim JOnes” type cults can be very very bad. We have one going on here in Arkansas now, though the man who has run this cult for many years has recently been arrested for crimes against young females in his “church” He is in federal custody now and charged with many crimes. The man’s cult still stands behind him, brainwashed to the core.
I recently saw a documentary on the Jim Jones cult in which he poisoned his followers and killed several people who were investigating his cult. Including a US congressman. The interviews with the FEW suvivors of his cult who lost their entire families was quite interesting. There was also footage made during the congressman’s investigation with interviews with the cult members before the congressman’s murder, etc. There were a few people who slipped him notes to try to rescue them, and that was what started all the killing.
While these cults are fairly rare, they are not SO rare that we should not keep our eyes open for them.
I guess it is “human nature” to want to feel safe in our environment, but the truth is that no one is totally safe anywhere. Look at Nazi Germany when the majority of the people who were marched off to the camps did not comprehend that ANYONE, or any government could be THAT CRUEL until it was TOO LATE. I think the “trick” is to see the red flags of any situation before it is too late.
OxDrover-
I saw the Jim Jones documentary recently too! I was pretty blown away by it. I thought it was so interesting to see the interviews with the cult members in the early days of the cult. It almost made me think: Oh, yeah, these people seems so peaceful and make so much sense…they seem happy, what a nice racially, gender balanced bunch with good ideas….that’s what it must seemed at the time to the outside. I mean it seemed to wholistic and idealistic. But boy, the undercurrents were totally different. In the later interviews by the survivors and ones that got out early, showed a completely different picture. So disturbing.
I am glad you took your son out of that environment. Your mindfulness from past experiences gave you an advantage to pay attention to red flags.
Well, that son is now 39, and that was nearly 30 years ago, but I have been aware of “cultish” religious groups as I have seen numerous ones, of course, not to the extent of the Jones episode, but right now we have one here in this state that is currently being prosecuted. The guy has “been in business” for many many years. His first wife died and he kept her in a glass coffin for years and was going to “raise her from the dead”—then he sort of went “underground” for a while and recently was arrested for the plural marriages of young females to old men and “interstate transportation”—he RAN when he knew they were closing in on him. I don’t think this P would have killed himself like Jones did. I am glad he was arrested though and hopefully the people in the cult will “see the light”—but you know, some of Charlie Manson’s followers were loyal for decades.
nic:
Glad to see you are back. Was wondering how things were going with the S vis-a-vis the divorce and the issue of the car seat carrier. Sounds to me like you are making a lot of progress on detaching yourself from the creature and gaining a lot of self awareness in the process. And so we soldier on…
I worked in a law firm where the principal was a S. Everybody there LOVED him and worshipped the ground he walked on, including me at first. When I finally began seeing him for what he was I tried to tell my co-workers but instead of listening to me, they literally shut the door in my face!
Seems they couldn’t deal with what I was telling them and were in complete denial. Sad for them is all I can say. I think all of them have been victimized by some degree by this man. I’m just glad I got out early….though not without the battle scars to prove it.
I’ve seen similar reactions from people in other situations where a narcissist total abuses a victim and everybody just stands there and denies its happening. I must admit that I don’t understand these people.
Matt: Thanks. Believe me, If I could dynamite the turd outta here, I would do it in a hurry. He is in a big rush to get the show on the road with our divorce. His lawyer is driving mine crazy because “Peanut” is driving his lawyer crazy. His lawyer does NOT want to go to trial…..for good reason. The judge has a very bad taste in his mouth where Peanut is concerned due to the lies he has told etc. Good reason for Peanut to want to settle. Anyway, the forensic accountants are done with their work. The depositions are done and my attorney is preparing a proposal to start the ball rolling. My strategy is to refuse to start the negotiation process until Peanut vacates and gives me exclusive use/occupancy of the marital res. The judge strongly urged him to leave back in August so I know where the Judge comes down on the issue. Plus I found a voice activated recorded in the house that he “planted” and recorded a conversation I had with my son. A felony, I believe. So I have him in a jam there, due to wiretapping laws in New York State requiring one party consent. My attorney intends to use this little incident for just more leverage if we need it. I could have him arrested for that. His girlfriend is certifiably crazy. She has beaten up her husband, kids, been arrested. Nuts. I have heard that Peanut is cheating on her! And if she finds out, I have no doubt she will come to MY house gunning for Peanut. I really don’t need to be in the middle of this sick drama.
All that to say that I think I have some very good reasons to want his butt out of here once and for all. If he wants out of the marriage so damned bad then he can get his sorry butt out of the house.
You are right about it being nice to be able to keep tabs on him, but he beauty of my situation is that his girlfriend’s husband and I talk. He tells me everything that goes on in their house, so I have a good idea of what Peanut is up to, when he plans to travel etc. This of course, drives him crazy. Oh well!
You are also right on about going to as many lawyers as one can. Yes, it was money well spent. Not to mention the forensic accountant. Wow, has he found some good stuff. I have to pay him ($11,000) and he has been worth every penny too. They can find out if assets have been “moved” etc.
Thanks for all your input.
Spanky:
One thing to consider, which your lawyer has already probably discussed with you, is whether you actually want the marital residence. I hate to sound sexist, but a lot of women want to hang onto the marital residence, when in fact they would be better off selling the residence and taking other assets such as pension benefits, stock options, etc. Sometimes you are better off selling the marital residence, taking the cash, and getting the hell out of Dodge and starting over. However, based on what you’ve said, it sounds like your lawyer is on the ball, so he’s porbably discussed this with you.
Also, you’ve got incredible leverage on him. One thing I learned with my S, their fear of exposure and/or criminal prosecution is the only leverage we have on them. You’ve already got the goods on him for a New York State law felony (illegally taping you). I imagine your forensic accountant has uncovered evidence of tax fraud or fraudulently absconding with assets. The threat of going to the authorities is a blunt club, but very effective when wielded. Just use it wisely. And carefully.
Matt and Learn thanks for the kind words and thoughts. I hope you both are doing well. Listen to Matt, Spank. Matt has given me great advice. Can you come to Illinois and be my lawyer? : )
nic:
Thanks for the kind words. Actually, I’ve recently been looking at a few opportunities in Illinois. Of course, the thought of having to sit another bar exam during this lifetime makes me physically sick.
Sounds to me like you’ve stopped trying to figure out your S and have adopted a “strictly business” approach. The day your divorce becomes final you need to go out and buy a nice bottle of Veuve Cliquor and let us all on LF know when you are popping the cork so we can be sure to join you in your toast to your new and sociopath free life.