UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
“I wonder what it is like for S’s at night or when they are alone. Is it too much for them to handle being with themselves?”
nic,
This they fear as you or I would fear the plague. I not kidding. Because other people validate and support their very existence being alone leave them just that “alone” and without supply. As any drug addict they will begin to feel “withdrawal” symptoms. This causes them deep depression and anxiety. Some have noted that they become “confused” or start to have fuzzy thoughts. Reality (as they know it) starts to breakdown for them. Again they fear being alone as you and I fear the plague.
Having no “real self” themselves they lose touch of their reality and with deep abandonment fears which also causes them deep anxieties and a sense of lost of themselves. I mean this literally! This of course explains why any validation both positive and negative is acceptable for them. They don’t care if you are yelling at them or praising them. They will take the tears just as easily as your love because it’s all supply for them. For them both work just fine. All they want is someone anyone to acknowledge their own existence because without it they don’t exist within themselves. These people are empty shells that need to be refilled at all times. This also goes on to explain why they “must” have someone again anyone in their lives at “all times“. We go to find someone that is compatible with us. Not so for your P/S, they will take anyone that looks like a good supply for whatever they are searching for at that time. Being alone literally means fear of death too them.
James:
I agree with your theory that sociopaths can’t bear to be alone. My S was cut from that cloth. The thing is, that need of his was at war with his need to cheat on and betray me. I would turn sommersaults to get him to spend more time with me. And yet, he withheld and withheld because he derived some perverse pleasure from seeing me suffer. So then he went out cruising the bars and wherever else he went to get whatever “attention” he could get.
greenfern
I too live in Chicago and you are right. Living in a big city one must have what we call “street smarts” and have the persona of self-confidence. Interesting story is that my youngest son was walking home from school one day and there were a group of kids standing on the corner “checking him out” as he walked home. Because he walks home alone he would be an easy target. Anyway I taught both the boys about “street smarts” and explain how you must never show fear. One of the boys in this group (he overheard this being said to another boy in the group) told the others not to “mess” with him because he looks like he was “loaded” (carrying a gun). Of course this cause me great concern and wanted to start picking him up from school. My youngest didn’t feel this was necessary but I told him if it happen again to let me know so that something could be gone to secure his safely. Thank God this haven’t happen again but because my child understood and knows have to handle himself it allow him to get home safe.
OxDrover and greenfern
I too saw this Jim Jones documentary. It just blew me away and in fact I made sure to track it and watched it about three times. Jim Jones was nothing less then a psychopath. But what really was interesting was the speaker who lost two sisters in this “holocaust”. How she explain to us that whenever we hear the word “cult” and how we simply feel we know all there is to know about it simply because we label it as a cult and then dismiss it from our minds. I believe this also falls into the Cassandra complex way of thinking. It’s just way too scary to think that anyone one of us could have been a member of this church or a church like this. We need to see documentary like these to remind ourselves that they are some very scary and sick people out there today just like Hitler and Jim Jones.
Jmes posted: “they believe you will forget the abuse and allow them back in again for a second dose.” Thanks to this site, that’s never, ever, going to happen. Thanks be to God.
Well before I found this sight I took 4 doses of (starting over) wish I had known then what I know now but then again we have to live it to understand it. i dont recommend it tho..
Matt,
Another of the maddening “what’s wrong with me” side effects of dealing with a sociopath. They can’t be alone- but YOU are only good enough when they haven’t any other option. AURRGH!?!??!
While IL would be honored to have you (I live downstate) I don’t know if you’d like it… I think our most bountiful crops are soybean, corn, and socio.
To all:
Interesting comments about the S not wanting to be alone. I sat with that and thought about mine and what an eye opener it was. He has NEVER, to my knowledge, been alone in his 66 years of life. Leaves his wives only after he has a new one lined up. The thing I could not get was how his personality flipped in an instant. He fipped on the 3rd Wed of August 2007. Went from a quiet, decent, moral, generous, considerate, well respected man to a complete ASS. He breaks any rule he can now, just for the thrill of it I guess. Never would have done that before.
Tell me if any of you agree with this theory. I think that S’s “become” whoever they have attached themselves to. Since they are just hollow shells with no sense of self, they glomb on to the personality/character traits of the love interest (current target) in their life at the time. When Peanut was with me, he parroted my morality, personality, behavior etc. Now that he is with psycho woman, he actc just like her…..lying, breaking the rules, pushing the limits, doing illegal things etc. They are like androids that can be programmed. (If only they could be de-programmed!)
Matt: Thanks for the comments re: keeping the marital residence. My hope is to keep is as we own other real estate. A large home in Ocean Reef, Key Largo Fla. and have no debt. Fla house is on the market. He has 28 race horses, half of which I own. So I figure that half the value of the marital res. and half the value of his horses will be a wash. He gets his horse flesh when I get a quit claim deed to the house. Then we can start to negotiate the rest of the pot. I don’t associate any of our mess to the house so no bad memories. I poured my heart and soul in to this place, I get up in the morning and see deer, and a pair or ducks on my pond getting ready to make babies, and a fox who has her den. I just don’t want to leave. He has turned my life upside down enough and I resent the thought that I might also have to move at this time on top of everything else. If I have to though, it wont be the death of me. I will adjust, always have. Much of it has to do with what I will have to live on after it is all said and done. Rochester New York has one of the highest property tax rates in the NATION and my taxes here are obscene so all of this will have to be considered.
Matt I have a question for you. There are so many S’s out there and so often they wind up before a Judge. Are Judges/attorneys trained somewhere along the way, to spot sociopaths. My concern is that so many of os victims could get taken to the cleaners in court because the S’s are so good a fooling all of us, including the legal system. In my case, I do think our Judge is very much on to my perp, but I’m talking in general terms. Just like your thoughts on that.
And I want in on the party in Ill.
Spanky: I understand you wanting to keep your roots, to keep your home. That can help you heal, I’m sure, especially as it feels like YOURS, not his.
Regarding judges and lawyers: NO, they don’t have or get any special training. The typical attitude in court is that “both people swore to tell the truth and they are probably both lying to some extent in their own favor, so the truth is down the middle.” Of course, between a truth-teller and a pathalogical liar, the truth isn’t remotely close to “in the middle.”
Consider also, that judges and lawyers may also be sociopathic, and who would know unless they got found out by someone who knew what to look for? Seems to me that we recently had a governor of Illinois who looked highly psychopathic there at the end.
This subject is one of real concern. One way that we victims continue to be brutalized is through the legal system, which has no provision for dealing with pathological liars, and through the justice system, which also doesn’t take into account intentional conning, defrauding, emotionally and psychologically destroying behaviors that don’t leave bruises and broken bones. There is no recourse for a woman (or man) who was emotionally or psychologically battered.
And then there’s the whole huge subject of what happens to children who are caught in the middle of this mess in custody and visitation disputes.
You will see a lot of discussion of the legal system under the article on “Amy’s law” from last week. You will get some of your answers there, but the stories may break your heart.
Rune
Thanks so much. How scary. You are so right, that many judges and lawyers can be S’s too since S’s tend to gravatate toward positions of power. It is all so complicated and frustrating. My S was so convincing that in the beginning he had his lawyer fooled. He lied to the Judge in affidavits, and his lawyer swore to it! Needless to say, his lawyers was not happy when my side came back with solid proof that what he had submitted was a lie. Lawyers don’t like to made fools of in front of the judges they will be appearing before for years to come.
I wonder of sociopaths “get it” on their death beds……have sort of a “come to Jesus” just before checking out. Is there any hope for a souless perp?
Yes you have just purged your state of an S governor. We had Spitzer, who totally went out in flames!