UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
I also heard that some get worst as they age. Does anyone have any information or sites on this theory? I had one co-worker who’s ex did in fact get worst as he aged. She also told me he die some years back and it was a very happy day for her when he die. This poor woman and her children (not his) were put through hell when he was alive. She told me how he try to run her with her children in the car off the road one day and when the cops shown up let him go because he was a firefighter and had friends on the police force. Totally Unbelievable. But this person was a good person and someone I trusted. So I believe her story.
James – I think they probably get better at the game as they age because they have more to lose. They take lesson’s (us) and learn what is acceptable and what isnt. They remember what got them in trouble and what got them aproved. They hone their skill’s as they age and realize the older they get the less options they have. And remember they are terrified of being alone or abandoned – so I think they take less risk and play the game of being human with more finese ‘fa ness’ as they get older and less attractive? anyone else’s thots on this?
Here are my thoughts, henry. I don’t want to stick around long enough to find out. lol I hope I never see or hear from him again.
StaryEyedGazer – I like the way you think~~~!!!! But there is just a little bit of me that want’s too know if he screw’s up again – but then again I should be careful what I ask for ……
Stargazer,
“Here are my thoughts, henry. I don’t want to stick around long enough to find out. lol I hope I never see or hear from him again.”
LOL! Good point!
Henry, you are no doubt right about them getting better at their con and games. But what about the “last” person who gets them for life or what’s left of it. I mean being the only source left for them to drain. Poor souls.
Oh God, I hope I never find out what my old S is up to again. I’m even nervous to call the congressman’s office to find out how the investigation is going. I’m afraid of bring that piece of crap back into my life.
I anticipate he will return to my reptile forum for his birthday because someone will start a birthday thread. But my arsenal is stocked. I have allies on hand to expose him if he comes back. They are ready and waiting. ha ha ha I’m almost looking forward to it. Sometimes a simple well-timed question on someone’s birthday thread, such as “Hey, how’s the fraud case coming along? Gone to prison yet?” can really clear the sociopaths off the site pretty quickly. LOL
well said Star – and I will ask my x if he has a new girlfriend or boyfriend this time around…
Dr. Hare in his research concluded that as they approach middle age and older they sort of “calm down” a bit, but keep in mind, he was dealing with the convicted criminal element, so he could be right that some or even the majority tend to lessen their violent criminal acts as they age, but I really doubt that at all. My egg donor is DEPENDING on this happening with my P-son, who is now 38. I think that is the ONLY information she remembered from reading Hare’s book. LOL
The older Ps that I have known, or known of their antics, did “slow down” some if they lived long enough that they got feeble physically, but if their minds were clear, I didn’t ever notice any emotional “improvement.” I know I should not “glory” in the downfall of any person, but I know of a couple of them that after a lifetime of conning others and abusing others “got theirs” the last few months of their lives with their health and no one to be “there” for them, as they essentially suffered and died alone.
I feel awful that I want him to be miserable. He just turned 43 and I wonder if he has “changed” into a more agreeable human being with his new g’friend. I wonder if he can be different with someone else. I’ve been left behind with all the emotional baggage and financial baggage. And then him trying to get me fired at my job! I have had more stress in the last few months than I’ve had in a long, long time. I’m sad and lonely and it so bothers me that he just walked right into another person’s life so soon. Of course prior to my blocking my number I knew he was drunk when he left those msgs. He didn’t drink around me because I didn’t drink.