UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Dear Swehrili,
The feelings of wanting him to suffer are normal feelings from being injured. I think most of us have had them, and believe me I WANTED my Ps to suffer the way they made me suffer, but NOW I could care less. It isn’t important to me any more, because I am reaching a point of acceptance of what IS, and don’t feel the anger and the rage at them any more. It is all part of going through the “grief process” which takes TIME and work. Once you come to the acceptance stage when you have gone through (over an dover and over again it seems) all of the stages of anger, sadness, bargaining etc, you come to acceptance of what IS. It isn’t what you WANTED, but it is WHAT IS….and you accept that. It just isn’t important any more. I thought I would NEVER reach that point, but somehow it just “snuck up on” me lately. ONe day I just realized it was THERE. If that makes any sense.
Hang in there, “time wounds all heels” and he will one way or another bring down “fire and brimstone” on his own head….they usually do! (((hugs)))))
James I read the explanation you gave me a few times and that fits my husband perfectly. That is why he would contact me when she was out of town and vice versa. Wow, I get it. We are just a supply to him. He proposed to me about 15 days after he broke up with his first child’s mother (I found his journal after he left me). He was trying to be with her but she dumped him and so he came back to me and proposed….lucky me. I know I need to read through the archives to get more info. but I haven’t had the time.
Matt, Illinois would love to have you but I understand not wanting to sit through another exam. Best of luck with whatever you do.
Excuse me for jumping in and going back to the original article, but I want to say that while I realize the truth of “We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.”…..part of me just still screams NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DO realize the truth of the statement, but something about it gnaws at me. Like maybe it needs to read “We have to ask ………If so, it’s time to look at these issues and be better prepared to PROTECT ourselves”….instead of “heal ourselves”. Because for me that is more empowering and truthful. For in a world free of exploiters…guess what….my “issues” that “need healing” would instead just be unique strengths….For instance the ability to be sensitive to the feelings of others, the ability to forgive, the ability to be relationship committed, etc. But since there ARE exploiters out there, my unique strengths, which may in fact be partly due to the abuse I suffered in the past, can be used against me.
Hope that makes sense.
I still make changes in myself, but not from a feeling that I needed healing, that is why I could be exploited. But instead, I make changes from a feeling of : I now know that there are exploiters out there and here is what I need to do to protect myself and the unique person that I am, with special strengths that can be exploited if I don’t learn some “emotional karate” or whatever you want to call it.
PS In other words, the same behavior of “believing the promise” …works WELL, when you aren’t dealing with an exploiter!
Justabouthealed: That makes sense. I was lonely prior to marrying my husband but I was still lonely in the marriage. Even though he talked a good talk his actions spoke louder than words. I ignored the millions of red flags that were present when we were dating. For me the statement of asking what was missing was key for me. It gnawed at me initially when my therapist first told me that but it was true.
I saw how he treated other people but for some reason I thought I was going to be treated differently. What was it in me that I allowed this cruel treatment? I wanted to believe what he said but his actions didn’t match and for some reason I just continued to ignore the actions but pay attention to the words.
It is sad but when I do start dating I am going to have so many antennaes up that the poor guy may not make it during the first hour. : ) It is difficult and sad that we have to think of people as potential exploiters.
Thank you Oxy for your response to my post. I will definitley be glad when all this stops. Everytime I think I’m done with the tears, there they are again and he so isn’t worth one of them.
Dear Justabout healed,
Wheather you call it “protecting yourself” and I call it “healing” or you call it “blue and I call it yellow” it doesn’t make any difference, each of us has our own unique way of looking at things, but that is why it is good for us to share our concepts. Just like Psychopath vs sociopath vs anti-social personality disorder–essentially it is the “same” monster we are dealing with. LOL
I call my “recovery” healing because to me the things that I didn’t learn as a child, which I should have learned (like setting boundaries) and the things I did learn that were dysfunctional or false “injured” or didn’t protect me in adulthood. so I am having to learn new things and unlearn some “old” things….and I view that as “healing” which is, to me, MORE than just learning self protection, although that IS part of it.
When I first started this journey many years ago (but got side tracked) admitting even to myself that I had ALLOWED the abuse sort of smacked to me of “blaming the victim” but since then I have finally worked through that concept where I can accept that I DID ALLOW it to continue, but that me allowing it doesn’t DOES NOT excuse the abuser(s) in the least!
Just because my dog will lie there and let me kick him instead of biting me does NOT IN ANY WAY excuse me doing this to him just because he loves me and will allow it.
Like you, I finally realized that there ARE people out there, or in my case “in the family” that WILL abuse me without conscience, but I was emotionally bonded to those people to the extent that like my dog would do, I lay there and allowed them to abuse me. To me, now that I have finally gotten my “head around it,” I view myself as INJURED by the childhood I had which did NOT prepare me to protect myself by setting boundaries. I can’t “heal” the psychopaths (though God alone knows how hard I tried to “fix” them) but I can heal the injuries I suffered as a child that left me so vulnerable to the abusers.
But whatever you want to “call it” the concept is the same. We can’t stop them from TRYING to abuse us, but we CAN stop them from succeeding! “Crap on me once, shame on YOU, crap on me twice, shame on ME!”
Dear OxDrover,
This is my very first post and I do have to say I am so happy I was pointed into this direction. It took me the last six months to really come to accept my ex is an S. For 10+ years I kept on looking for answers why things were the way they were, I really did think he loved me. Boy, was I fooled! My healing is already started and I know it’s going to take some time, I have a 9 year old daughter with the S, never married though, thank God. I am reading alot of literature on the subject and visiting this blog every day, needless to say, it’s like it’s all written about time- scary, but empowering. Knowledge is now my power, I try to have very lil contact with him and I set very firm boundaries.
I am hoping with all your help and knowledge, I will help my daughter lead a ‘normal’ life.
Dear rislec,
Welcome to LF, this is a healing place, and I think a life saving source of information for not only me, but many. You are so right, KNowledge is power, and I am glad that you are gaining that knowledge.
I’m so sorry that you have endured the things that it takes to “qualify” you for membership in our “club.” I know that right now it may not seem like it for you and your daughter, but I have come to the conclusion that learning about these people is a blessing in disguise—-it is a shame that we have to “learn the hard way” but sometimes the lesson is worth the tuition, no matter what it costs! If nothing else, your daughter will hopefully learn those lessons at an earlier age than we did.
Again, welcome! Glad you are here and thanks for sharing. God bless you!
justabouthealed, I know what you are saying and I agree; I also think you are right about the semantics issue, Oxy (if I may call you that :). For me, the healing is about two things: one, getting over what the SP did to me emotionally, which was about 8.6 on the emotional Richter scale so that I don’t feel that weird sense of shame, maddening loss, and extra vulnerability (on top of what I normally feel/carry–whoever posted that we shouldn’t feel ashamed about being conned by people who are able to fool professionals – therapists, lawyers, judges, etc., really helped me to let up on myself about THAT issue – thanks!!); and two, getting my personality in balance. I’m with you, justabouthealed – I don’t want to stop being a loving, trusting person who is forgiving and gives second chances. But I don’t want to be naive or an easy target. I’ve been giving people third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chances who don’t deserve it. And I do think that this is large part comes from my upbringing (like you, Oxy) – in my case, with two narcissists who would always override my will whenever I had the strength to display it. If they gave me a choice between A and B and I chose B and “A” was the “right” choice, they would impose A on me and then punish me for picking the wrong one. Or if they asked me if I wanted to do something and said “No,” they would say, “Well, too bad, you’re doing it anyway,” and then punish me for being “difficult” and “negative.” It’s taken me a very long time to learn how to stand up for myself (I’m just now starting to learn how to do that!). Because what I learned as a child was that it didn’t matter what I wanted, and if I made the “wrong” choice, I would be punished. In order to survive psychologically as a child, I absorbed some toxic lessons that have not served me well at all as an adult. So, in that way, I think I need healing; I need to relearn those lessons and repair the damage that was done so that these people won’t look at me and think, “Mmm, dinner!”
But no, I don’t want to become cynical or hardened, let sadistic or conscienceless predators destroy some of the things that I think are my best qualities, if they’re not used against me. I think in that way, the word “protect” might be a better choice; but for me, being able to protect myself involves healing damage that was done when I was very young and vulnerable.
I’m new here, too, rislec. I’m finding the site and kind people here a wonderful source of understanding and support.