UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
Dear Meg,
I am glad that you are meeting with a priest this week. The evil that we endure at the hands of these people is indeed a trial and a tribulation to our faith. WE SEEM TO THINK, “how can God allow this to happen?”
My faith, ultimately was strengthened by this whole situation lately. My faith before was so shaky because my egg donor had instilled in me this horrible FEAR OF THE ANGRY GOD she preaches that is just waiting there to damn me to hell if I didn’t play along with HER INTERPRETATION of what “forgiveness” meant—it meant, to her, that I had to “pretend that none of this happened” and to TRUST those people again that I KNEW IN MY HEART WANTED TO HURT ME. I struggled with this, felt guilty, felt damned. But after all of this when she actually SAID TO ME “Let’s just pretend that none of this happened” after she had RAPED MY MIND, lied to me, discarded me for the psychopaths, etc. and it dawned on me that HER interpretation was WRONG. That was NOT what forgiveness means. I spoke with several very learned Bible scholars and caring ministers and they all agreed that “forgiveness” does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way with people who are trying to hurt you. It does NOT mean that we pretend they are NOT EVIL. I re-read the Bible verses and discussions of wht forgiveness means and I saw that it means we get the BITTERNESS against them out of our hearts, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH TRUSTING THEM AGAIN. Even Jesus warned his apostles and disciples to look at a “tree’s fruit” to determine if it is a good tree or a bad tree. LOOK AT SOMEONE’S BEHAVIOR. He also advised his disciples to go to “a brother” and to try to talk to him if he was doing wrong, but if after that, even if you take others with you and they still won’t change their ways, treat them like an infidel…DON’T EVEN EAT WITH THEM. I realized then that Jesus himself, and later the apostle Paul, was advising NO CONTACT with these people.
The story of Joseph in the Bible where his brothers sold him as a slave, and made their father grieve over his “supposed death” had forgtiven his brothers when they showed up in Egypt years later, but he didn’t TRUST THEM until he tested them and saw that they HAD CHANGED. He didn’t reveal even who he was until he saw that now they would have laid down their lives for their brother Benjamin and that they felt guilt for what they had done to him years ago. That they would no longer allow anything to happen to Benjamin and to grieve their father again.
God is there for us, Meg. He doesn’t promise us that nothing bad will ever happen to us, but He is THERE for us. “Tribulation worketh patience.” I now see this entire thing as a lesson that I needed to learn. To learn that God is always there for me, no matter who betrays me. Even my son, even my egg donor, they are not what is really important in the grand scheme of things, I AM IMPORTANT and I am NOT AN ORPHAN, I have a heavenly FATHER WHO LOVES ME….who is there for me. Just as a parent is there for their children, and it hurts US when they fall and bump their heads when they are learning to walk, but we let them try and fall because we know they need to learn to walk. We are not being “mean” to them, we are letting them learn, and some lessons are more painful than others, but we all need to learn and learn when we are ready and learn by our mistakes.
I realized that I HAD NOT BEEN LEARNING THE LESSONS WELL, and that I needed to change how I was behaving, how I was thinking. I GOT THE MESSAGE this time, and I intend to keep on learning, trusting in God’s goodness, in my faith in God, and that He will do what is right. The Bible says that “ALLthings work together for GOOD to those tht love the Lord.” Sometimes I have seen things that I thought were the WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME, THE MOST PAINFUL THING, and in the end, it turned out to be for MY GOOD. I realize now that looking back, I am SO MUCH BETTER OFF now than I have ever been, emotionally, and that being away from these TOXIC people, even my blood family, is what I should have done years ago. I depended too much on MYSELF and my own “wisdom” (or lack there of, really) and not enough on doing what was RIGHT—which is to move myself away from TOXIC and EVIL people. I firmly believe that these people, have “sold their souls to evil” and that they made the choices they made and now they are not interested in learning, loving, doing what is right. They know what is right but it doesn’t interest them.
I will continue to keep you in my prayers, Meg, that your faith will be restored and that you will continue to heal. I too had to give up everything that was prescious to me, my home, etc. and I realized that even if the material things I loved were gone, I was still going to be OK. I was fortunate that I was able to return home, but I am still not sure if I will be able to stay here forever….but if I have to leave everything behind, I will not grieve over it any more. It is just STUFF, what is important is ME. I will never let anyone take that away from ME again. God loves me, that I know, and I know he loves you too! ((((Hugs))))) and my prayers. God bless you.
Meg; I’m glad you are reaching out to counselling. I did 4 years of therapy with my County Mental Health Psychriatrist (not a psychologist). She was able to give me the tools in my mind to gain back a desire to live. I didn’t know what I was wanting to live for, but at least I became able to see that suicide was not the rational action that I had thought it would be.
My becoming suicidal was not due only to the attack by my daughter, but many other devistations in my life at the time also, such as financial, my health, and family deaths. All realms of my life were in hopelessness, no way out.
You hang in there, Meg; the counselling can do wonders, and I hope you get one who knows sociopathic predators.
Henry; the best thing I’ve done, and the hardest, is to have no contact: the “no contact” that works best for me, is interchangable with “no interest.” I dare not even read mail from her, nor ask others anything about her. The less I think about her, the more effecient the firing of my synapses. ( :
oxy-speaking of Joseph–
have you seen the musical “Joseph and the Amazing Tehnicolor Dreamcoat?”
three years ago I had the role of the Narattor– the girl that sings the entire show– it was the role of my life.
Now look at me– ughhhh!
Oxy–
your post means a lot to me.
I ask that you do pray for my faith to be restored.
I have lost things like my health and my voice and my dog and my job– things that you should not be able to lose.
thank you Oxy–
Dear Meg,
The Bible tells us to lay up “treasures” where thieves, moth, rust, corrosion etc. cannot take them away—- there is, unfortunately, NOTHING ON THIS EARTH that cannot be lost one way or another…only what is inside ourselves is permanent…what and who we ARE…that part, I firmly believe, lives after us. It is sometimes discouraging to know that there IS nothing that we can’t lose—our friends, our health, our safety, even our very lives. Look at the book of Job. Job lost everything he had, including his children, all his wealth, and then his health. Even his wife said “curse God and die” (HOW IS THAT FOR SUPPORT!) LOL
His friends all came and BLAMED HIM for bringing the problems on himself. (MORE GREAT SUPPORT!) We must realize that God does not give us a “smooth road” throughout life, because He wants us to learn, I believe…and the only way we seem to be able to learn (us humans that is) is that we have problems to solve. “tribulation worketh patience.”
Hang in there, Meg, you are not alone! Remember when Jesus was going to heal the man’s son and he asked the man if he believed he could do it, and the man answered, “I believe, Lord, help my UN-belief” Pray that God will help your unbelief. I will as well. ((((hugs)))))God bless you through this tribulation.
I wonder if most if not all of us get to this point sooner or later. I to agree that by not taking it personal and understanding just how little our own P’s and S’s thought or even care about us as people. For better or worst they really thought or care about us very little if not at all. It was like the old saying “out of sight out of mind”.
Whenever they were not with us or we were not in sight they don’t really think about us unless of course they are covering their tracks and thinking how to explain “missing time” or other “strange” behavior that we might expect some kind of explanation on. Their thoughts and feeling are focus on only one point, which is themselves. Now more or less this can be said about all of us.
What I mean is that we think about our daily routine schedules and appointments whenever we go through our day. Our thoughts are on what we need to do and how to get what needs to be done completed. But for those we love and for those that are clearest and dearest these people are always in the back of our minds subconsciously are will be brought back to our full attention whenever spark by an emotion question or ideal. This is normal and how most brains work but remember that the brain of a sociopath works differently and process information differently.
I believe that for sociopaths they lack this ability completely (emotional recall) and will only think about that person once they see them or have the ideal to see them. Again this is when their manipulating skills come to play because whenever they “see” or “call” you there is a reason behind it. They will say they only wanted to say hi but if one was to really look behind the smile you will find something they want and/or think they can get from you. Yes, I agree we shouldn’t take their actions personally because unless we can be used for something we are never in their thoughts anyway. One thought I always keep in the back of my mind is that I might be thinking of her but I know unless she could use me for something I was never on her mind.
Hi Gals and Henry, too, I believe that if this life was easy and simple that we would never yearn for or seek God or heaven. It would be Heaven on earth and therefore pointless. I believe that we are here to learn and some of us are hard headed and have to learn a harder way than others. I believe that we are here to right wrongs and support others even as we ourselves hurt. I don’t believe that we earn salvation but I believe that our good works please God and make him smile. I also think he cries with us and I think that he might just have a frying pan like Oxy to lovingly boink us when with we are just being dumb. Faith like love needs to be tested to prove itself real to us and others God included. The test was failed by the SP. It just took me forever to grade it and turn it back with a big fat F! I kept trying to inflate his grade because I didn’t want to fail him and thus us. I wanted my illusion. Meg, you are in my thoughts and prayers and always in your dancing shoes. Smiles and a big ((HUG)) to you always.
The Bible says that God will never give us more than we can handle… that doesn’t mean on our own. He gives us enough that we MUST lean on HIS strength to get through. Meg: Hang in there. I was married to my S for 2 1/2 years and have an 8month old. I am $600k in debt and when he moved out 4 1/2 months ago, he left me and our 3 month old at the time, $80 in the checking acct. In the past 4 months, I have filed for divorce, immediately entering the NO CONTACT policy. *which made him nuts. I also watched his FB and MS pages and warded off any poor souls that wandered into his path… this made him more nuts. I have also been working with the Prosecuting Atty, and 3 other Attys to get him STOPPED. This has become my life line to healing as well. My family and my son and I are doing well. BROKE, but well. My husband only sees our son at a Supervised facility for now. I am praying that by the time that is up next month that he will be in jail and all else will be mute.
I wish so much that you could find the PEACE that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7). God has given me that peace and I have no anamocity (sp) toward my S husband… he is sick and needs help… thus as his wife… I am happy to help those who can stop him and protect him and others from himself. I know how unbelievably BLESSED I am. #1 God has been in this and one step ahead the whole time. #2 My family is beyond supportive. #3 I got out early. I have met several women lately that have been with their S/P for over 10 years!!!! How do you ever get out at that point? Again, I am blessed. 🙂
Stay in God’s word… that is where ALL the answers are for all of this crazy life. Start reading Proverbs every day. Look how God deals with the “Fool”, the “Scoffer”, the “Wicked” … It made me sad for him (S) but also made me feel that God in his perfect time would take care of it all. And he IS!!!
God Bless!
Dear Issie,
With that wonderful attitude and trusting faith, you ARE INDEED BLESSED. I am, unfortunately, one of those “hard headed fools” that kept on trying to take care of things myself, but when I finally DID TURN IT OVER TO GOD, He did a great job. I’m finding out that I don’t have to run the universe any more, it can keep on spinning without my micromanaging it. LOL
God will, I believe, NEVER give us more than we can handle, but He may give us all we can handle, but he is there. If He tells us to “jump off a cliff” he will either teach us to fly, or catch us in his arms!
I am an “uppity old woman” and I was an “Uppity” YOUNG WOMAN, too…but I am finding that I don’t have to take care of myself all by myself, I am cared for and loved and I just have to learn to trust my God. I’m working on that! Every day!
I too found it sad that those I loved had turned their back on God, on goodness, and embraced evil, but I can’t fix that….only they can, and unfortunately, they’re not interested. All I can do is to pray for them, and let God be their judge.
This is a great article about the heart of the matter.
Don’t take it personally. But do take some time to take a personal look within to fine tune our personal boundaries and our personal limits for disrespectful people, abusive people, unfaithful/deceitful people and people who make us feel terrible at any moment. Our personal mantra should be NO SECOND CHANCE. GET OUT. STAY OUT. REMAIN NO CONTACT. They don’t deserve our love and friendship because they just use others. Thats what they do — let them go so you can be free to learn and grow be yourself again! NC.