UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
I am new in this blog but in the short time since I discovered it by accident searching for answers I must admit that it has helped me a lot. I thought I was the only one that is/was going through this experience. I divorced my ex almost a year ago but we had been separated closed to two years. All those two years I had been thinking about her and had prayed that the Lord would bring her back. About three weeks ago I gave in and called her. To my surprise she was glad to hear from me. We saw each other the same day. She told me she was seeing somebody but it was not serious and that she was not in love with him. I told her that I still loved her and she said the same to me. Immediately we started planning how to get back together and how to break it to her kids and to my kids. Her kids do not like me and my kids do not like her. Anyway, I thought God was giving us another opportunity to make it righ the second time. However, after a week of bliss, she said she needed to formally put an end to her previous relationship. To my surprise she did not call me but sent a text message just telling me to keep calm and that we would talk the next day. The next day she she she was unsure of our relationship and we broke up. A few days later I called her ask her to return a couple of things that were mine. Again we started talking and went back together and spent some more days in extreme happinnes. Then again a couple of days later she dumped me again and told me not to contact her at all.
I will do my best to keep the no contact rule this time. By the way our marriage was destroyed by her lies, verbal abuse, physical abuse, abuse of my kids and my parents.
However, I am still in love with who I thought she was and it is very hard to let go. Someone said here above that they were in a suicidal mode. I am there. I will not do it but I just feel like going to sleep and never wake up. The pain is just too much.
Sorry for writing a lot. I just have so many things inside.
Welcome Xarico!
I’m also new to this site, it’s been 3 weeks tonight with no contact. Everyone has been very welcoming. Sadly, your story sounds familiar. I’d bet that all of us at one point have wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The pain can be consuming and overwhelming. I think that is part of the reason we returned to our ex’s in the past, to avoid that awful misery of REALITY. The good news is that you won’t continue to feel that miserable forever.
This site is a Godsend. I spent (wasted) 10 years with my S, and when I found this site three weeks ago (I too was searching for answers) it was like some light finally clicked on in my head. I guess it had been flickering in there for a while, but reading everyone else’s experiences did something that I hadn’t been able to do for myself in the past. I finally realized that NO CONTACT is the only way with these people. In the past I would relive your story of getting back together and breaking up like the movie groundhog day. I knew that no contact was what I should do, but always ended up giving it just one more chance. It’s easy to justify another chance at love, after all you are in love with the person (or who you think they are) and it is unnatural to break off all contact with a person who you care about deeply. I have always had a hard time understanding how he could just flip on a dime as if he never cared. Finally, through this site I’ve realized it’s bc these people don’t care. They don’t have emotions the way that we do, and there is no winning their game.
Sorry I went on a bit of a tangent..but what I want you to take away is that it hasn’t been very long since I felt like I wanted to die, but I have been amazed at how quickly this site has helped that feeling fade. Of course those awful painful moments are sure to surface once in a while, and I’m sure they aren’t gone for good yet, but when they arise it is a blessing to be able to get on here and seek encouragement from others who have been through the same pain.
Welcome…and sorry that you have to be here!
Hi Xarico,
I don’t know many of the details but sounds like you have figured out you are dealing with a sociopath. Sometimes normal people can just get confused and hurt others with their confusion and lack of clarity. But since you ended up here, I’m guessing she has some more serious issues.
The very worst part of a break-up with anyone is: What do you do with the feelings you have for them? But with a sociopath it’s ten times worse. They even rob us of our happy memories because they are not real. There is nothing to do but wait it out and maintain no contact, even when it’s killing you. That’s what we are here for. You can blog here any time. We all understand how you feel (sadly). Sociopaths go out of their way to hook us and make sure we’re hooked before the exploitation begins. There is no substitute for time in getting unhooked.
Just to share with the newcomers, I had a very brief and shocking involvement with a sociopath that ended almost a year ago. I feel like I am completely over him, but the healing has been extremely painful because I had to look at all the reasons I was vulnerable in the first place. Doing this opened up a ton of grief about my unresolved things from the past. I feel like I’ll always be a work in progress, but I’m not hooked into the sociopath any more. I don’t even have stray fantasies or any PTSD reactions over him any more. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. The more invested you were in the relationship, the longer it might take. But there is healing from this.
Thanks Stargazer, for sharing your progress. I hope that I get to that point sooner than later, but it’s just nice to know it’s reachable.
Done, there is no time limit on the grieving process. Grieving is over when it’s over. I still go through my ups and downs in life. I feel a little guilty coming here to talk about it because I don’t want to take valuable attention from folks who are going through the devastation of getting over a sociopath, which is, after all, what this site is for. But I enjoy checking back from time to time to offer whatever help I can and give hope for recovery. I was not with my S for very long before I read the writing on the walls and baled. Some of you have it a little tougher, with longstanding marriages and nasty divorces. Just remember that everyone here has been traumatized and that takes time to heal. You will be surprised when 6 months or a year has gone by and you are in a much better space. I truly believe this will happen for everyone on this site. It wasn’t long ago when I was so devastated I couldn’t eat or sleep, sobbed hysterically on my massage clients (!), and couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. As long as we are living and breathing, we have hope. The human spirit is very very resilient.
greenfern:
Vocabulary of the s
– soul mate
– you and I are one
– you are the perfect woman for me( for me, not anyone else, without me you would not be perfect)
– the world (your family, children, friends) does not appreciate you enough (I do)
– you are my best friend (eh? then why do I feel like I cant trust you with a thing?)
– you are the only one for me (immediately followed up by: “am I the only one for you?)
– I love you, do you love me (about 100x a day, and would get pissed if I did not come back with an i love you fast enough
It is just INCREDIBLE isnt it. Every single one of these I was fed on a daily basis.
The compliments and smarm always made me feel wrong footed though, it was either too much or laced with a subtle negative that would make you feel confused.
Like – you are so beautiful…to me.
you are the perfect woman… to me.
Strange cloaked BS. That ended up making your self esteem shrink, I didnt feel like anything except for what I was…. to him. yuk.
…and all the time they’re laying on the heavy heavy romantic crap talk, they’re busy behind your back telling everyone else you are needy and over emotional.PUKE!PUKE!
Such evil nasty intent, right from the start off.
(Just a little vent there)xxx
Dear Xarico,
Welcome to LoveFraud, and no apology needed. I hope you are still around and still reading. Your story is so typical, that is the way they are, she sounds just like a psychopath. Lies, lies lies.
Maybe this is God’s way of clarifying that she is still a liar and a thief. A thief of your love and caring which she spits on.
“Cast not your pearls before swinie”
I know No contact is hard, because OUR love is REAL, theirs if fake.
You are so welcome here and this is definitely a healing place. Please feel free to share your story here.
Star, I’m so glad things are better fo ryou! How are your pets doing?!
Is a man considered a sociopath if he goes from woman to woman within a few hours? He spent a week with one woman I know (leaving bite bruises on the inside of her thighs), and when he was done with her, heads on over for more sex from another (his ex) Is this behavior considered “without a conscience” as being a sociopath?
I don’t know, but the porn industry is calling his name.
Blueskies,
“The compliments and smarm always made me feel wrong footed though, it was either too much or laced with a subtle negative that would make you feel confused.”
SO true. Giving the ‘compliment’ with one hand while snatching it back with the other (or even ‘slapping’ you with the other!). I was always confused by the flattery, in that it rarely (if EVER) made me feel good or complimented.
The romans or greeks, or someone way back in the day, used to kill people who flattered, as they thought it was an obvious form of manipulation; meant to disable your sh*t detector, and open you up to being used.