UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we’ll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don’t take it personally.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I’m divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions were mostly textbook, it was easier for me to let go. Once I convinced myself that I was not the first nor will I be the last, I shut my heart off and stopped taking it personally. This was my key to survival. I offered a silent apology to the women of the world for throwing this one back into the dating pool and went on with my life. I stopped taking it personally and I slept better, dreamed better, laughed more and found that I’ll be just fine. If this helps even one person, it will have made it worth it. Take care.
Simple, effective advice
Allison’s advice is very simple, but it goes directly to the core of the sociopath’s manipulation, betrayal and abuse. The sociopath never cared about us one way or the other. We were convenient targets. We had something the sociopath wanted. Or we presented an opportunity for the sociopath’s amusement.
Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do. We just happened to be there.
Of course, that’s not what the sociopath told us. First, he or she proclaimed love and devotion, or a sterling opportunity to succeed together — whatever the promise was. Then, when the promise started falling apart, the sociopath told us it was all our fault.
We, as normal human beings, believed the original promise — how could anyone say those words and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the person who made the promise, we believed that as well.
As we say here on Lovefraud, the sociopath is the lie. And the sociopath lied because that’s what they do. They are missing the parts — emotional connections to other people and conscience — that make us human.
Opportunity for healing
Still, there is a reason that we went along with the sociopath’s program, and that is something we do need to take personally, for our own recovery and growth.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
This does not at all excuse the sociopath’s heartless behavior, nor is it meant to blame the victim. But most of us engaged because we wanted to believe the original promise.
We have to ask ourselves, what was missing within us that allowed us to believe? Did we have experiences in our pasts that made us susceptible to the manipulation? If so, it’s time to look at these issues and heal ourselves.
So as we extricate ourselves from the sociopath, understand that this is how they are, their behavior is not our fault, and don’t take it personally.
But we should take very personally the opportunity to excavate the old, erroneous tapes in our heads, and create wonderful new lives for ourselves.
Learn more: Comprehensive 7-part recovery series presented by Mandy Friedman, LPCC-S
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 6, 2009.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hyper vigilance and PTSD
slimone
Xarico,
Glad you stumbled onto Lovefraud. Me too, just recently. And though I have been NC for a good while now–the archived material on this site, and the wonderful support and insight of the folks here is priceless.
I am sorry that you have gone through these quick and painful cycles of devaluing and discarding. It tears one’s heart apart. And please, no apologies for writing as much as you need to. I have read some amazing novelettes here at LF, and I am much the wiser and calmer for it. Thank-you for writing what you did.
James
blueskies
Not sure if it was you or greenfren who wrote this list but thanks for putting “soulmate” on top of it. Guess I really can’t tell you or anyone how much the “soulmate” pitch is used to trap the next victim into an commitment for a relationship.
This “soulmate pitch” also is good for getting the relationship moving faster and quicker then should be done. It has all the ear marks of that because if one is a soulmate then it’s expected that these two souls belong together and being of a divine/spiritual nature makes it one of the best sellers when “trapping” the next victim/soulmate.
Just like a s/p to take something good and wholesome and turn it into something horrific and dangerous.
James
Backatcha
Is this person an s/p?
Well, if someone told me what you just stated I would want to know more about this person’s history. We often refer to these people as emotional vampires which means they feed off the chaos and emotional damage they do to other people more so those who should be/are nearest and dearest to them. They also feed off of supply but let’s not get into that at this point.
They have no shame and no conscience and are very shallow people which allow them to “jump” from person to person for their needs. Your “person” sounds like it might be a good chance he is that plus leaving marks on his lover(s) might also mean he need to mark them as well. Anyway I would be careful and do more research on this person and if you are getting emotionally involve with this person yourself you might want to hold off until you know more about his past. In this age of STD’s many sexual partners are risky at best, so if it was me I would be thinking about this person’s integrity as well. Hope this helps?
Backatcha
Thanks all for your input. I am only a past acquaintance of this man, but I know the woman that he is spending time with. Luckily she lives a distance from him which does not permit much time together. I was married to a Sociopath for 15 months and I have told my friend stories, etc. of what he did to me, the way he acted, etc. Hopefully it sinks in once the “honeymoon” is over. This guy is definitely full of crap…I only hope she sees this before she puts her Mother in a home, therefore giving him access to her money.
James
Backatcha,
“Hopefully it sinks in once the “honeymoon” is over.”
Same here! Glad to hear you aren’t! Learning about these people have a long term effect on us and most don’t soon forget the damage they do. Just hope your friend wake up before it’s too late.
blueskies
James – it was Greenfern, but yes I sooo agree with ‘Just like a s/p to take something good and wholesome and turn it into something horrific and dangerous.’
They use the language of love so thickly, but it means nothing.
It’s very hard for normal people to fathom – normal people think “what is the ‘point’ in using words like soulmate, and I love you if you dont mean it”… because these words are expressions of a FEELING, you have to feel the feeling first to want to express it… dont you??(GUH!Wake up! Blueskies!)
‘The romans or greeks, or someone way back in the day, used to kill people who flattered, as they thought it was an obvious form of manipulation; meant to disable your sh*t detector, and open you up to being used.’
This is a fantastic and fascinating fact!I think my sh*t detectors are coming back on line, and I had the engineer put in some special kick-ass flattery firewalls too:)xx
James
Well then thank you Greenfern!
Very interesting about killing those that flatter, will need to look into that as well when I get the change but thanks for the infor!
🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
ahh, mine used to say, ALL the time, ‘it is what it is’.
yup. uh huh.
“Sociopaths do what they do, because that’s what they do.”
onelukygurl
OxDrover:
I have a question for you…when you are on and have time to respond, ok?
Ox Drover
Dear R-babe,
I’m here! What is your question?